erich hess
one doesnt appreciate how dark night can be until they are out in the middle of the sea. the awards show is over and i'm back on the duke. according to the gps i am closing in on the arctic circle. never been up here before,maybe it will be something to see. maybe i'll hit an iceberg and pull a titanic. if that happens,my worst fear will be realized: dying alone. at the same time? if it happens,it happens. so it goes.
i've been spending more time on the duke lately. worrying about spreading germs makes for a good excuse. there is so much on the land i wish to avoid. who'd have thought unprotected sex leads to children?! i am now up to three official ones! i went and had the snip,i cant deal with anymore surprises. granted,i could use condoms,but seriously? i am only with ada. i was tested clean. condoms are for sailors. in any case,it seems selene and i are now linked for life. which at one time i could see,in a far different way. never really considered pregnancy was an option. but i could've seen myself marrying her. our relationship was bizarre and unexpected,but it worked. i loved,and still do love her. if i am being honest. our relationship just sort of ended. there wasnt a yelling match or something we could point to as a reason why it ended. we just both ended up going our own ways. i do wonder what selene thinks of me. does she think i was just playing with her? does she think i saw her as a conquest? i guess it doesnt matter now but i loved selene. i adored her. in a way, i still do. i think i will always love her with a little bit of my heart. i admire her as she is a very driven person. there is nothing she cannot do. i am sure selene will do just fine with dean. but i dont know where i come in in this regard.
how much contact is "appropriate"? what is the fine line i can walk and not upset ada.
like,i get it. i can see why ada would be sort of iffy about this. but...to be honest,she cant be that pissed. she left just like selene did. one cant be ok and one not. if you never left,selene wouldnt have had dean. if selene hadnt left,i wouldnt be with you today. that sounds harsh to write out,almost like i am settling for ada. but that isnt the case. i stuck it out with ada when we were first together. i love her dearly and wasnt about to run out on her. if the cult wouldnt have entered the picture,i think we'd stil be married today. i am not going to judge her. we are all looking for answers in life. that may take us to a cult. to this day she hasnt spoken about it and i havent asked. do i need to know? no. the important part is she and marlena are here now. but there were years where they were not here. a person has needs. and i dont mean mere sex. i'm a famous musician. i could find ten people right now who could fill my every physical desire. i mean love. love for that kernel of truth that is under the performer. love for that person that exists after the house lights come on and the crowd goes home. and well, selene gave that. she wasnt a fling or anything like that. again,i wonder if that is how she sees things. yes,there is a lot of guilt here. i never wanted to cheat on her.some may even say i didnt cheat on her. but,it sort of feels like i did.
but i guess,enough about that. i cant change what went down. the fact of the matter is dean exists and is sort of being placed in the same bin as micah.
micah...shit,i dont even know where to begin here. at first,i had no interest in him. he was a god damned downer. the young and vivacious women i knew and,well,didnt love,but fucked as though i did,was now dead. dead after a life of normalcy. far away from the spotlight. dead because of something i do all the time. the drink killed micah's mother. micah is an adult and really doesnt need me. hell,i dont even know why he wants to know me. there is no place in his life for me,no place in my life for him. we are each an extra person in the other's universe. we cant get that time back. hes older now that i was when he was conceived. what the fuck is the point now? dean,well,hes got it a bit better. i cant see selene living a quiet suburban life and seemingly just getting by. but..there will be a time where she will meet someone and that someone will help raise our son. like,a small part cares. but a bigger part thinks it may be for the best. it may boil down to : i dont know what to do or how to bond with a son.
its been ages since i've thought about him but my own father was a bastard of a man. i never was good enough for his approval until after i made it in my career. then he wanted in. fuck you. nothing made me happier than knowing you died without seeing me again. this may be why i am so close with dustyn. in fact, i know it is. his biological dad,like mine, was terrible. randy (jayne's dad) took me in and showed me love and acceptance. i,like to think i do that for dustyn. but,i cant see myself doing that for micah or dean. i want to be better than my father,but at the same time..i want them to hate me. spite fueled me and made me who i am today. spite to deny my father in his time of need. you and mom are going to lose the house because of back taxes? maybe you should've accepted me instead of worrying i wasnt manly enough. (i did pay it after he passed. my mother is an alcoholic and sort of deserves a house to pass out in) mom could've have stuck up for me,but never did. spite of the town i grew up in. i keep a terrible run down mansion on star island,just to piss everyone off. oh you are going to fine me? fuck off,i'll pay it. look at that eyesore every day and enjoy the rats running through your neighborhood. i've made more money than you could even conceive. i live pretty simply,so i have time and means just to fuck with you. spite is what drives me. i could easily have beautiful yacht instead of the duke. but i like pulling into port with a piece of shit i saved from an indian salvage yard. again,i guess i want my sons to hate me. it is all i know. marlena....marlena is different. i have a bond with her. i take her everywhere i can,i do everything i can with her. things are fun with her. this beat to fuck porsche 356 will be hers one day. we're rebuilding it together. she's been turning wrenches and getting greasy with me. i've always been closer to women. i dont really know why. i think its because there is less competitiveness? my own mother,as i've said earlier,was an alcoholic. like,cant function without a drink,alcoholic. but,at least she recognized i existed and involved me. i've played bartender for longer than most my fans have been alive. my specialty has always been the mojito. my mother was never a mean drunk. she was always kind,if a little loopy. i think this is why she gets a pass from me. women were safe. they werent going worry i wasnt straight. they werent going to wonder why i wasnt competitive. this is what i learned early on. its a blanket statement,sure. but my mother was at leas approachable. i think this is why i have few male friends to this day. micah and dean, i dont know what to do with you other than make you hate me. i am sorry,but this is all i know. it is either ignore you or mistreat you. the first is probably the best for all of us. i hope you never reproduce. the hess bloodline deserves to be snuffed out.
