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TRSG Diaries: A Compilation of Some of Your Favorite Character's Real Thoughts - Erich Hess' Entry <---- NEW!
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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#21 Posted : 18 June 2013 05:28:43(UTC)
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June 17th, 2013
Dear Diary,


My memory is still foggy from the fire. I wish I could remember but I can't. I just remember waking up to bright lights in my eyes and people surrounding me in a hospital. The worst part was knowing that Joey was there too. I don't think I had ever been more afraid in my life when I watched him, completely motionless, laying there. I really love him and I'm positive I've never felt so strongly about a relationship before. He's everything to me, I don't want to even think of us apart. If I had lost him in the fire....I can't even finish that thought. I haven't talked about it to many people because I'm not sure what to say. I literally don't even know what happened. I've been keeping this thought inside since I left the hospital. What if? What if it wasn't an accident? I could be over thinking it but...I'm entitled to that thought since my life was almost gone in a second. I just don't want to bring it up and make more people worry for nothing. My parents want me to stay with them, Joey's mother wants us to stay with her, Joey wants to be with his mom, I miss my parents, but I just want our home back and that feeling of having something to ourselves, away from the public and everyone else.

I can't let it get to me though. I know a lot of people are counting on me and failing them would be another tragedy to me. We've been searching for another place to live but it seems like every house I get paranoid and think something will go wrong. I can't stay with my parents forever. I love them but that's no way to build a solid relationship with someone. I've just been feeling so lonely most days but I don't tell anyone. I hate being the reason someone is sad or upset or worried. It's really my weakness. It's hard wanting to please people all the time but at some point I have to grow up and say 'I just can't'. It's why I busy myself with so much work sometimes. When I'm working, I just feel peaceful. It helps me a lot. My family too, they are a big help. I love just holding my baby brother in my arms and just staring at him. In a way, he reminds me of myself or what people assume about me. So innocent, not a care in the world and oblivious to hurt and sadness. I guess it's abnormal to be so happy sometimes but what can I do? I'm blessed, I smile, I laugh, I'm content.

I just.....I need to breathe.

Edited by user 27 August 2013 13:46:07(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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Offline kandii  
#22 Posted : 19 June 2013 14:13:59(UTC)
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Airemese Smith

6|18|2013

Dear Diary ,
I am sick and tired of being under Nina's shadow . It has been like this ever since Middle School and now , less than a decade later , I still have failed to make a name for myself that has nothing to do with her . I was so skeptic to join this duo thing with her . She said together , we had raw talent and I went along with it , but the truth is ... she has raw talent . She never even told me she could sing , and now she is taking it to the studio for our next album ? That was the only thing making us " Rum & Coke " and not " Rum and that other girl " . I mean , even if she can't blow like me , she found this sick way of singing with her heavy Cuban accent ... it's just unique and not just me doing what hundreds of other musicians are doing . What if the idea of going solo pops into her head ? I'd be dismissed from Hollywood so quick . Even if I decided to go solo myself , I would never amount to having the charisma and personality of her . Don't get me wrong . I love her to death . That is my chick right there but ... I can't keep living off her name .


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Nina Taramino

6|18|2013

Dear Diary,
Ugh , the next time someone asks me about how I feel about Erich and Ada . I DON'T WANNA FUCKING ANSWER !!! Just ... I'm tired . I'm fucking tired . I'm tired of all the name calling . The accusations ... everything . I mean , they tell me what to say , and I do everytime . I say , " It was all just a big understanding . There wasn't and isn't anything going on between Erich and I . I just wish the best for the two and that they work out everything that this misunderstandment has caused . " And the first part is true . Nothing happened . It was just a misunderstandment . But that isn't what I wanna say . It isn't even close to how I feel . I dont care about their relationship ... let alone Ada . If I wanted , things could've gotten worse than me making a dirty joke , but it didn't because I care too much about Erich . And I don't mean that in a love way . I mean that as a friend . It's obvious that he is happy with Ada , and if for some reason they left each other , he would always regret it . So why would I put him in that situation just because I find him cute ? It just wouldn't make sense . Now see if the rest of the world thought like that , none of this would have happened . But noooo . Unfortunately the world is full of dumb asses that believe everything they read , so what more can I do ? Aire tells me that I can't get entirely mad if Ada says things because " She probably doesn't mean them , she is just in a tough spot right now , so I just have to be understanding . " It's not my fault Ada doesn't trust her man , now is it ? So I don't see why I have to understand what it would feel like if I were in her shoes . I don't see why I have to keep quiet because she is wifey . And her trying to kill herself just made everything ... just ... ugh ! I can't even write down how I feel , so why would people continue asking me to say it outloud ?

Edited by user 19 June 2013 14:16:05(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified
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Offline erich hess  
#23 Posted : 22 June 2013 05:19:58(UTC)
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Dear diary.
It's my final few hours in Japan before heading off with Jennifer Armstrong. I have no idea who she is,but my manager says its a good opportunity. Yes,I am now professional enough to "have people". It makes things so much easier. I am bringing Trent d'amour along as well. I promised vara I would keep an eye on him,and I like to think I keep my promises. I doubt there will be many drugs used on this tour so he should be fine. I know I have not used anything since that night out with vara.

Keeping promises.... I know of one I did not keep. I promised envy I would not cheat on her again. along with the threesome with vara and Trent....there was one time with just vara. I am not sure if Trent even knows. I asked vara if he knew and she was a little vague. Basically saying he knew she was bisexual. That may be true,but does that make it ok if he not around? On the last leg of the no venues tour,vara and I went out partying. Drinking lead to kissing,kissing lead to feeling each other up,which lead to hands in each others pants...oh and in full view of a bar. It was wrong and it felt soooo good. Not nearly as good as when we went back to my bus and...well,I know what we did. There is no reason to write it down. Trent has never said anything and I haven't brought it up. You know what? It is easy. If and when I see envy again, I won't say a word about that night. If she asks? I have been completely faithful. I will take this to my grave.

I still love envy as much as I always have. So I see no reason for her ever to know. It is not like Vara and I have feelings for each other. it was just fun. Am I evil for doing this? I know I will be able to look envy right in the eye and lie about this. I would feel differently If I met someone,liked them and then had sex with them. Vara is just a friend. If envy finds out..it will destroy her.,I doubt she would forgive me. Being the person she is,she would probably try to give the ring I gave her back. The ring my father bought me for graduation. But I would not accept it back. I was unfaithful, the ring is hers to do with as she pleases. A promise is a promise. I have my own morality,it seems.

Vara..a friend? Yeah,I guess she is. I thought she was the devil at first,but as time goes on? I genuinely like her. What you see is what you get with her.
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Offline Mckenzie-  
#24 Posted : 29 June 2013 00:06:31(UTC)
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a rambling man rambling.
ryan williams
28/06/2013

We wake up every morning. It's normal. It's part of your cycle. It's why we take more notice when something doesn't seem right when we awaken. What happens when you wake up with a strange feeling in your chest? You can't describe it, but you know its there. You'll walk around all day trying to figure out what it is or what's the source of it. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't give pleasure.. it's somewhere in-between. Flipping back through the past few days, where you see yourself puking on your own shoes after getting to drunk at a party. Seeing your friends carry you home instead of leaving you in a puddle of your own vomit. It's something more than that. It's the tall, dark, mysterious beauty who decided to stay for an extra drink instead of going home with her friends. It's her who sat down by herself at the bar hoping to catch your attention. It's her who gave the subtle smile of embarrassment when your eyes both met each other. Words became irrelevant. Time stood still, people stopped talking. It was silence. You could hear her giggle into herself just as loudly as you could hear your heart thumping at the prospect. The trance lasts until closing time, where you get up, put on your coat and leave without a trace. A look means everything. A simple look means, same time tomorrow. That's the feeling in your chest. The feeling of excitement for the night. The feeling of being youthful and having fun. Being nervous whilst your friends wonder what is taking you so long in the bathroom. Brushing your teeth twice before leaving. It could be a beginning. It could be an ending. All you know is that the prospect of either, is too exciting to let go. And that come tomorrow morning, you'll know yourself, whether the answer is in your chest, or was left in the bar.
retired x
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Offline Mckenzie-  
#25 Posted : 14 July 2013 07:38:38(UTC)
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a sign of things to come
ryan williams
03/07/2013

untitled demo // upcoming album // first verse


What time are we going to bed? The more I seem to drink, the more I can’t get you out of my head. I am way too fucked to think, all I really need is you around. Around me, lady can’t you see how much you mean to me. I guess I’ll sleep downstairs if that’s what you really want. The makeup runs from your eye, you still look so divine lying there. You always want to be mine, but you can’t stop thinking about the fall. Start wondering whether the bridge is too tall. Questioning if we’ll even be able to make it over the first ridge. Wipe the tears from your eye, I don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know I love you.
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Offline genocidal king  
#26 Posted : 16 July 2013 04:53:25(UTC)
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Sometimes something just goes right
By Scott Rose-Hilton

Rebirth -- Renata -- Pride

Sometimes in life, there are things that just go right, dear journal, and today has felt like one of those days - a day where I feel like I truly achieved something for the first time in a long long time. It's been a while since music has been at the forefront of my life in the truest sense. I mean sure, I've had the label, the awards, the magazine and various little side projects on the go for the past three or four years, but nothing has ever truly lived up to the thrill of what I was doing in my career 5,6,7 years ago. But for the last couple of months, my buddy and I have been righting the wrongs that not being focused on our true calling created. And today we got to the point where I was able to sit down, take a deep breath and just smile at what we had done.

Why today? Well, today was the day that my best friend in the world, Mark Talley, and I were able to finally finish tracking songs for our comeback album. This has been a fucking hell of a long time coming, and we've tried it a number of times, taking different approaches, hiring different people, looking at our music from different angles and all sorts of things. But this time around we managed to sit down, just us, the true life blood of what our band was, is and always be. We looked at decisions we've made in recent years, analysed our choices and realised that we have been lying to ourselves for a long period of time. Were we ever a rock band, an indie band or some sort of stadium outfit? Of course not. Did we realise it? Not until we sat down today and were able to press the pause button on that mixing board for the final time - 15 albums in and we have finally managed to hit the perfect metal balance, the album we have been trying to get out of ourselves for all this time. I said up there that I smiled at the end of it. I did, but I was close to tears, and that's lame, right?

Now the next phase of the album process comes - the worst part of it all - the release date. We've sat here and written our songs, recorded them, mixed them and messed around with them, and that makes the songs almost become a part of you. Then the time comes to release them, and fucking hell it is nerve-wracking. I've always been the sort of guy to worry when albums are coming out, fretting over how people will take it, what they'll make of it and how it will perform. This time that's mixed with something else though. Happiness is just around the corner. I'm excited to let people hear what I believe is the best thing myself and Mark have ever done and the release date is going to be one of the most important days of my life. Aside from the arrival of my two girls, the day this album comes out will be the greatest day in my 29 years to date, and I'm not ashamed of that.

You see, it's not big headed or arrogant to feel proud of your music, and no one should ever tell anyone that it is. When I see people being humble about their new album, or saying they hope people like it, I feel bad for them because I know that they feel they have to say that. I wish it was cool to stand on the rooftops and tell people that you are proud of what you've achieved, that you love the fruits of your labour. Maybe others will listen to this album and it won't be to their tastes, and that's cool. All I know is that today, my friend and I looked each other in the eye and shook hands knowing we had done the very best we ever could. That will be one of the best memories of my life.

- Scott

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Offline genocidal king  
#27 Posted : 17 July 2013 05:55:18(UTC)
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The 5AM Conundrum
Florian Lefevre

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It's 5AM...this is Florian Lefevre. I'm sat on a bus a thousand miles from home unable to sleep and the kettle whistles too much to put it on while everyone is asleep. Instead of a coffee, which always settles my nerves, I'm having to put all my faith in this cigarette. Forgive me my ramblings as I enjoy taking out my frustration at insomnia on this laptop keyboard.

If someone were to come to me and ask me what my two favourite things in the world are, I think I would answer them with "uncertainty and failure." I'm one of those awkward people who is deliberately obtuse, and if someone asks me a stupid question, then I like to give them a stupid answer. In truth, I don't have favourite things. Different aspects of life make me happy on different days depending on my mood.

However, while I may not have favourites, the opposite is the opposite. See what I mean about being deliberately obtuse? Yes, you see, if someone came to me and asked me what my two least favourite things in the world are, I would answer with certainty "love and live music." Or at least I would have, until very recently. This is the point where I realise I'm not as big on uncertainty as I suggested above. Ugh, how the human brain mocks me. Being an academic is much more hassle than it is worth. But yes, like I say, the last month....two months has really caused me to need to evaluate all over the things I hate.

Live music, for example - I have been in my band for about five years now, and I have hated every single live show that I have ever played - even although I would never tell anyone this. I feel as if when I stand up there, I'm not just playing my music, but I'm saying "judge me to my face." At least with a record, people can sit down and listen, be objective about it. If I'm there on the stage, I'm saying "look into my eyes and form an instant opinion of everything I am." I find....found...it horrific.

And now here I am on tour. Not my own tour, but that of the wonderful French pop stars Destinee and Adele and my entire theory has been blown upside down, inside out. I'm here in the capacity of a guest, and I have had the chance to watch these two girls on a stage every night. I see something in them that I never experienced - a connection with their fans. It has changed everything I believe in to look at the way the fans take their energy and turn it into an experience. This feels like something I have been missing out on. Maybe I will need to try to be more open. It has turned my opinion on its head and made me wonder if live music really should be on my list of things I hate.

And then there is the other great hatred in my life. No, that's too strong a word. The other thing that I was uneasy with - love. I've always taken an attitude that love is there, and that we all need it at some point. But the idea of rejection, pain and realisation was never something I was keen on. I always heard you learn too much about yourself when you open up to someone else.

To sum up my previous attitude to love, a story - I once got banned from a dating agency I joined for being crude on the application form. I resisted the temptation to write "yes please", when it said "Sex?" But I could not stop myself when it asked me "what do you like most in a woman?" Apparently "My penis" is not an acceptable answer. And they say making a girl laugh is one of the main qualities that can bring you success? It is a mystery to me.

Anyway, I always treated romance and love until now as a necessity that I needed to have occasionally as a human. Strange concept for a scholar of the romantic novelists of England, right? But then, I always treated that sort of literary love as being something of a fictional concept. Much as I like to read Gothic novels about vampires, but I am not going to sit here and say I believe in them.

And then something changed. Why am I on tour with Destinee and Adele? Simple - Adele. I spoke to this girl on Twitter because we are both French and she invited me out here for a coffee. I guess I never got round to going home yet. What scares me is just how I have changed. I used to be able to keep myself locked up, to keep my emotions in check, but now I am faced with someone so expressive and honest that I cannot and I just open up to her.

We have been dating...a concept I'd have balked at some months ago, for a few weeks now, and I find myself admitting that the fairytales in novels may have some basis in reality. I don't think anyone knows how hard it is for someone like me to admit he was wrong. I wake up and look to Adele and I smile. She speaks and I tell her anything, I hide nothing from her. And then sex...why was it ever simply a necessity pour mois? I've gone from experiences of meaningless bumping of genitalia with other women in the past, to this - a connection, emotionally and physically so beautiful that the great artists would fight each other to the death for the right to paint it.

The scariest thing of all though....love. Fuck, I promised myself I would never let myself fall into that trap like so many other people. Do I love Adele? I would never admit it to her....not for a long time, but yes I do. And it's not even frightening any more.

I disliked changing my opinions. My opinions are the one thing I thought I could control. And now I don't even have the power to do that. Do I mind? Not particularly. And that scares me.
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Offline snap_itshannah  
#28 Posted : 17 July 2013 06:16:25(UTC)
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OOC: Anddddddddd I'm crying. Beautiful.
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Offline genocidal king  
#29 Posted : 17 July 2013 06:22:27(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: snap_itshannah Go to Quoted Post
OOC: Anddddddddd I'm crying. Beautiful.


OOC: Aww thank you so much, that's so sweet and I'm glad you enjoyed it :) I really love writing as Florian.
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Offline erich hess  
#30 Posted : 27 July 2013 03:52:19(UTC)
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Ooc: this is my favorite ai picture. It suits the Erica character so well.

Dear diary,it's Hitomi! I hope nobody else is writing in you,I don't like being cheated on. Life is going so well. Naty is cooking little Takara well. We both have been taking such better care of ourselves. No drinking,no more hard drugs. We still smoke a bit of weed though. It helps with her nauseous feelings and my....well,I just like it. I bought us a super expensive house,Japan's real estate is crazy! It really is a mini castle and will be great for our family. Naty has agreed to us living in Japan and sending Takara to the same school I went to. I really worry naty is giving up too much of herself in all this. I don't want her to hate me for living in Japan,our daughter speaking Japanese,and basically being raised Japanese. Other than natys genes... What is she giving Takara? I think she is sacrificing too much to make up for my not being genetically related to Takara. Trust me,I feel as attached to her as I did with ....with Nicholas. Ugh,It still hurts after all this time...sometimes I feel guilty for being attached so to takara....and I still feel I failed..I can't say anymore on this subject. Whenever I speak about it,it still feels like it happened yesterday.

I've been doing cartoon voice overs lately. It's super fun...if I wasnt doing it because I had to. Buying the house nearly cleaned me out. I told naty I could easily afford it.. But it'll be a few more tours and a few more voice acting jobs before I'm back in the black. Erich is basically paying for everything at the moment. I doubt Ada knows. Hopefully she doesn't mind or take it to mean more than what it is. Erich is the only one I could trust to not look down on me. Nina would call me stupid for spending that kind of money on a house for naty. I know deep down nina expects Natalya only wants to bleed me dry. She's mentioned the fact naty doesn't work several times. I'm sorry ,but why is that her business?! I couldn't ask Chloe as she's the youngest and supposedly least responsible of the harlots. I'm sure she would give me all the money I need,but I couldn't ask her. Erich will keep my secret and not judge me. Under all his drunken madness,he really is a good man. I love that Ada knows this and is unafraid to expose it to the world.

Felt kind of weird as of late. The new vile hour album.....it hits too close to home to be comfortable with. It really is great. I mean,like album of the decade good. Nichole is the artist id love to be.i think she will really go down as one of the most important artists of our time. Sorry castor,you
Know everyone forgets the drummer. THOSE songs on the album have made me think a lot about the ballad of Nichole and I. I can't help but be a little hurt by that one song. Nobody likes hearing About themselves in a negative light. Though I admit,I love the way the song is written. Especially since its a more eloquent way of saying everything I thought about Nichole during that time...aside from the lousy lay part. ....oh my god, AM I ?! Naty doesn't know any better,since I am her first girl. Fuck,now I am paranoid. It's almost soothing to know Nichole felt used and preyed upon.not that I am evil. It's just I felt the same way several times during that time period. Maybe I was horrid to her and didnt even realize it. The only time I made a conscious effort was when I threw Sam under the bus. I still feel shitty for doing that. I can't do purpose evil...mine might be more subtle and I'm totally unaware of it,kind of evil. She is right though,,as soon as someone cried,it was over. I don't recall either of us making fun of the other for crying. Nichole never hurt me as much as when she brought up my plastic surgery. I can still remember Sliding down that wall and crying my eyes out. Nichole could've easily kept at me. But she did not. Without those times,I doubt we would be so close today.no matter what,I know Nichole has my back,and I hope she knows I have hers. I love her. Not like that! I can't even masturbate while thinking of her.. ....I've tried. You wanna know who I do it to? .....edilih Greene! I know,weird huh? Oh well,a little fantasy is healthy!
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Offline kandii  
#31 Posted : 27 July 2013 06:08:26(UTC)
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Nina Taramino

7|10|2013

Dear Diary,
It has now been about 5 years since my dad has talked to me . What hurts the most ? I moved out 3 years ago . The last 2 years of me living with him , and all I got was , ' Hi ' and , ' Bye ' . Not a ' Good morning ' . Not a ' Good night ' . Not a ' Don't get shot ' , or whatever everyone else fathers say when their kids leave the house . That fucking hurts . He didn't at least try to be a crappy father . He just simply treated me like his acquaintance . How could somebody be so pissed at ME for getting shot ? I didn't tell him to shoot me . I didn't choose to be shot . Still my father sat there , with hopeless eyes as I was in that hospital bed and calmly disowned me . Like the process was that easy , just as long as he had my receipt in hand . He's so hypocritical . All of those times we had to visit him in jail and put our hand on the glass window , like we were apart of some Lifetime movie . I never grabbed the phone and said , " I really hope that around the time I was conceived , mama cheated on you with that white guy that lived across from us back in Cuba . " That guy was nice to all the kids on the block . It was like Mr. Rogers moved to the hood or something . He would've been a great father and the ideal grandfather . But my point is , why is he so mad at me ? I was never mad at him . I always wondered that , if I had made a name for myself , would he apologize and come crawling back or something like that ? But no . I don't even know how he feels about my career . All he does now a days is send me holiday cards . Like when he sends me a Happy Birthday card , he just signs it . The fuck ? Nobody does that ! Especially not if the inside of the card is blank ! But I mean , is that his way of slowly making his way back into my life ? I asked Nita to talk to him , because he wouldn't dare say no to mama . But she said that's something we have to work out on our own . I told her that was too complicated and she said it's not , we are just too stubborn . Please , I'm not going to apologize about something I had no control over . It was his decision to not talk to me and so he should be the first to start talking again ... Right ?

7|18|2013

 Told You So .

I let myself slip away
I let my demons dominate
You should've listened to me ...
When I told you that I'm not the type of person that was made to love
Because now you have to find out on your own that I was made to destroy and self destruct

But you just dropped it
Ain't pay no attention
What was that something
That was blinding your vision
To be ready ... yea to be willing ,
To risk your all for nothing ?

But if you want to save me from , save me from me , baby ...
If you want to save me from , save me from me , go ahead .
But I'm warning you that in the end ...
You might be the one that needs saving .
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Offline erich hess  
#32 Posted : 10 August 2013 01:10:45(UTC)
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Erich hess: father?!
It official. Ada Is pregnant with our child. It's weird to think we had sex for its intended purpose. Makes me feel like we were featured on an extra terrestrials wild life documentary. A posh English accent narrating the entire time. "Here, the wild erich mounts the Ada. Lets watch as they mate vigorously. The small feline on the bed's purpose is unknown. It is thought to be worshipped as a fertility god. The pair sometimes offer it small trinkets in hopes of winning its favor." Crazy shit,this sex for procreation stuff. I was reading the other day that due to increased hormones,pregnant women usually have an increase in libido. Hot damn! Ada and I already go at it all the time. I foresee many awkward moments of answering the door for Jehovah's witnesses. For pure humor factor,I wonder if she'd give me a blowjob while I answer the door. That would be a riot! Fucking her against the wall by the door would be good too,while just calmly talking to them about their watchtower or whatever it's called. Maybe pass the pamphlet to Ada while pointing out an interesting article,all while copulating tightly. Ah,to think a damaged mind like mine is going to be half responsible for another life...yikes.

I'm scared as life isn't a game now. Well,it is. But the stakes for losing just got a lot higher. What if I raise the next Jeffery dahmer? I'm clearly not normal,what If this trickles down to the baby and he or she becomes a serial killer? Do you still have to love them if they become killers ? I don't want to spend Xmas in the big house ,visiting our first born. What would you get them? A file? A shiv?

I worry for ada...a lot. I saw it the other day when she said she will get fatter. The girl isn't fat by any means. Sometimes I actually think she could do with a little more on her. Id NEVER tell her this. What's going to happen when she really starts showing? The hormones plus her already existing... Hang ups.. It's going to be fucking Rough,I can feel it. There's no seat belts on this ride. Air bags or crumple zones aren't to be found either. Nope,Ada is going to be a super charged vw beetle. Fast as fuck,and just as dangerous. Maybe. The therapy has helped a lot. I never speak to her about it. It just seems too personal and not my business. I just learned about her fathers near shunning of her after....well. That. How many years did she go without any affection? It makes me cry thinking about her life. Never in front of her,but I do cry for her. How can a father do that to his daughter? Especially for something not her fault?! The father should have loaded up his walther p38 and plugged that bastard. He's German,I know he has a p38.

I love the rock and roll baby club we have going. Sam and Nichole are very close to baby time. Erica and Natalya are coming along nicely ,now Ada and myself. I think Erica,Sam,and i should get a kickback from the obgyn industry,for sending so many hot women their way.
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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#33 Posted : 13 August 2013 11:06:10(UTC)
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*Enter Typical Bullshit Girl Problem Diary Entry*

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I just have sooo may things to air out that I don't wanna put up in a blog. I still do need my privacy. This is about to become a rant right now.

First of all, I can't tell you how annoying it gets when someone just talks about their significant other non-stop. It's like, okay, I'm glad you're happy and all that but shut up. If I wanted to hear about how in love you were, I would have just not talked to you today or any day for that matter. I'm not one to just go all skipping in flower fields and shouting my love for another, sorry but that's idiotic. Do you feel like you just have to prove to everyone how in love you are and that it's not fake? Case in point, I love Erica as a friend but if another one of our conversations ends up talking about "Natty this' and 'Natty that' I might just choke her. I really don't give a damn about Natalya. I can accept the occasional boyfriend/girlfriend talk but my lord. I swear, next time I'm gonna cut her off and just go ape shit crazy for 30 seconds. I can't understand her. She's married to someone yet proudly admits she has a crush on another woman? Who does that? That's fucked up. I would have told her to go to her crush then since I wasn't the only woman in her eyes. And for it to be Suzie of all people? It just blows my mind.

On a side note, I feel like I'm about to be the bad person. I'm not sure if things with Alec will work out. He's nice and all, great sex, but I don't know, I just don't feel much I guess? I think I got some red flags from him. He doesn't like my friends (I love being with my friends and would like him to go out with all of us), He's not really being helpful with me trying to quit smoking (I don't want him to be like 'You're gonna die ho!' But I mean at least show some support, not tell me 'Well we're all gonna die someday right?' What the fuck?) annnnnnnnnd, I just don't feel like we have that much in common. Granted, he is cultured and has opened my eyes to new things but I love being out at all hours of the night, partying, I love doing things in the moment, not planning. He seems more organized, and that's not a bad thing but that's not me. I feel like he deserves someone more centered and not like me. I have my own troubles, I feel like I'm putting that on him now. He's an amazing guy but...I don't know if he's THE guy for me. I'm not saying I'm looking for a husband but I just want someone...that eventually I'll be able to love I guess? But I don't wanna be a bitch and hurt him, not at all. Although, I doubt he'll wanna be friends after we've been through so much already. We adopted a kitten, what's wrong with me? Should I do this for Jynx? Maybe he'll change? Fuck, who knows? Where's Miss Cleo when I need her?! Oprah? Anyone?
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"My God! We truly are a talented bunch. The fact that we write entire albums all on our own while the biggest stars in the world have 45 co-writers on ONE track?? Where the hell are OUR record deals and GRAMMYS?" -BrownSugar
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Offline Mckenzie-  
#34 Posted : 24 August 2013 04:10:36(UTC)
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judgement day is calling
ryan williams
23/08/2013

I guess it was pretty clear that this was the road that i'd be walking down. It had been the only thing on my mind for the past 2 months. Hell, the only thing on my mind for the past year. It still doesn't take away the shock or surprise that it is really happening. It was inevitable. I'm now just waiting for the alcohol to flow, the tears to start and then i'll get all awkward again. Not that i'm shy or unprepared. More of the fact that i'm not convinced. Truth be told, i think I did a better job convincing you than I did on myself. Those times when I dried up all your tears with just 5 words; "Don't worry, we'll make it". I'm not worried. Not scared. Just helpless. How will the news go down? If I had those answers it would be easy. I'm not sure I can let her down. If i had more time, this could be something. Really something. It was just last week we were smoking and confessing our undying love. Love hasn't changed. It's been replaced. Replaced by something much more powerful. Much more convincing. Doubt. The shadows have been cast. I'm expecting the clouds to break any day now. When they do, I don't think i'm prepared for the amount of rain that will fall. The amount of thunder that will be directed at me. At the end of the day it was my choice, my words, my heart. You can't have everything. But I want everything.
retired x
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Offline RoseJapanFan  
#35 Posted : 27 August 2013 13:44:37(UTC)
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Something Tells Me This Is Wrong...


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I've never been in this position before. I've always considered myself to know right from wrong, I never disrespected my parents or my elders, I never did drugs, I only drink small amounts of alcohol and yet I managed to get myself into this. I'm not even sure what 'this' is yet... I'm against cheating very much, but I feel like a hypocrite. I am one. In fact, I am a whore for sleeping with a man that is still in a relationship, after one encounter after nearly 2 years. I fell for his blue eyes again. No, I can't blame this on eyes, that's stupid. I just, fuck I don't know. I can't tear myself from him even if I tried. I am wrong, I know that but I love him and I always have. Today's society would call me an idiot or compare me to Monica Lewenski or something but I'm in love. I don't know everything, I don't even know everything about him but I know what I feel inside and I know what I felt when he was gone. I'm not young and dumb, I was 19 and now I'm 20, a lot of growing up can happen. But I have to think for two now. Whatever is good for Luca, I consider good for me. I didn't plan any of this. In fact, some days I wish it didn't happen but how could I stare at my son and wished he was never born? Does this classify me as a whore? Do I deserve to wear a Scarlett letter on my chest? How long should I wait for him to actually make good on his word and break up with her? How long do I continue to be the other woman? Something tells me this is going to get even more complicated and messy...
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"My God! We truly are a talented bunch. The fact that we write entire albums all on our own while the biggest stars in the world have 45 co-writers on ONE track?? Where the hell are OUR record deals and GRAMMYS?" -BrownSugar
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Offline erich hess  
#36 Posted : 31 August 2013 02:57:55(UTC)
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It happened! She finally said yes! Nina tarentino and I are an item. When she said ok,I wanted to run around the devils playground and high five everyone! But I didnt. I played it cool. I have wanted this for a long time. Nina is exactly what I want in a girlfriend. She is funny,sweet,protective of me,SUPER talented,and so beautiful. This is th happiest Ive been in a long time. I really think nina and I are going to work.

I do have a confession to make. I've been hanging with serenity Scott a bit. She is a total sweetheart and I adore her. When she hugged me recently.i couldn't help it. I mean,if you were hugging serenity,what would the first thing you think of be? Actually for me,my first thought was: she smells REALLY good! But my second thought? "Serenity Scott's boobs are touching mine. Holy shit,they are nice." Since my.....recent hijinx with several girls,I am paranoid that nina won't trust me. I am sure serenity is straight,and it was just a hug. But I couldn't help it. I totally thought of her boobs. Does this make me a bad girlfriend already? I wish I knew. I also wish I could take back all those girls I slept with. Nina probably thinks I'm a whore. Maybe I am. But all that is in the past. I will not cheat on nina. Maybe nina has similar fears? Well,aside from the whore thing. She DID cheat on her girlfriend. What's t say she won't cheat on me? I am not special. I also know she still has feelings for emerald.maybe it is for the best she is with me,as i can surely sympathize. I was there that night. In an odd way,I think this is why we will work. We are both damaged in just the right way,maybe our jagged pieces will fit And become whole.

Oh,one last thing. I know I mentioned serenity's a lot....but nina has some killer boobs. They are just so perfect. Seriously,I want some just like them.
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User is suspended until 28/07/4752 18:55:55(UTC) Walton  
#37 Posted : 31 August 2013 03:45:56(UTC)
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Life amazes me. The people in my life amazes me. The last few months, I've been so happy and I've learned to never let anyone take my joy away from me. I try my best to stay away from negativity. The people that I'm with on a daily basis inspire me so much. Like my good friends Nichole, Mariko, Ellie-Grace, Billy Khan, Dustyn Blue, and so many more. They just inspire me so much. I can always count on them if I ever need anything. What I find so hilarious however is the fact that most of them are younger than me and are either married, in a relationship, or have kids. Personally, I'm proud of myself for having self-control. So many people young people these days are bearing kids before they can even reach the legal age of drinking in the US. It's crazy.

Sometimes I wish I could travel into the future however. I know that one day I'll be a mother and it's always been a dream of mine to have a baby before I reach the age of 32. I want a baby girl first. I'd give her my everything. I'd make her my top priority. She'd be my little princess. I don't know what it feels like being a mother, but I sure know how it feels to be a daughter. The connection my mother and I have is something so unique and I always wondered how it felt to be in my mother's position. One day, I'll know the feeling of being a mother.

I find it weird that people like to torment and harass me about being single. People try to humiliate me and try to make me out to be desperate. They also try to harass me about my lack of success with my last album. To me, everyone is so concerned about success. What people don't understand is that success really isn't everything. All people want to do nowadays is to release singles. I could name a whole lot of artists who's been releasing singles since last year with no album being released. They just want to have that one hot single and when it burns out, they release another one. That's totally not me at all.

Well, kudos my lovely diary. My pen will meet with you again!
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Offline freestylechamp  
#38 Posted : 31 August 2013 03:53:48(UTC)
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The Real Kidd

It's me TJ aka Kidd Amaze so much has happen in my life to this point that I feel like I'm in a storm with end in sight. I kind of have an idea of what the music industry is going to be like but I wondering if I'm ready for this. Music has given me confidence I didn't know I had cause every time I look in the mirror I still see that shy boy that was always told to speak up. He is still here but the crazy part is I don't know which one is the me now. Is Kidd the persona that I created in order to have that swag or is TJ still the quiet shy boy that write in his book all the time but is too afraid to take the first step? How many times have I wrote a short story but never show it for fear of failure, the time I was too afraid of asking a girl out because she might say no. I don't like TJ he's too much of a pussy to make it in anything. Kidd has drive, knows what he wants and has a that attitude about himself. How often do you hear people say they hate what they have become I love it,I'm even jealous of my other self how fund is that. I just want this to happen I can't go back to being TJ that part of my life is over. Unfortunately my friends won't let that happen. They're so quick to remind me that I was the nerdy guy in the group. That TJ was once an ugly duckling, and I know why they do this. Success, power and money can corrupt anyone giving the chance. Once that happens you lose yourself you become something that people won't be around until you fall on your face. I don't like the real me but it is the me that has kept me humble for so long.

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Offline GirlSpice  
#39 Posted : 01 September 2013 00:13:13(UTC)
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I usually use this notepad for lyrics, but I don't know, a song isn't enough for now.

Right now, I just feel extremely tired, exhausted in fact. I'm scared to even take a minute to rest, because I know if I do, I'll just have this sort of explosion of thoughts rush into my head, and it'll make me feel a whole lot worse. Right now, I feel selfish and ungrateful, and I really don't want to feel that way. I'm performing every other night on tour, which is all I've ever dreamed of, I'm back with my best friends and releasing music with them, but it's all so demanding. It's all starting to feel so much like a chore, where I'm going along with it, but it's not out of passion. It's more out of pressure, and the fear of disappointing. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, to do my own thing, and that's how I feel right now. I don't have my heart in this.

A lot of things in general are just getting me down. Me and Ryan got married earlier this year, in June, it was extremely low-key, I'm pretty sure the public aren't even aware of it yet. You expect after getting married to just feel on top of the world, surrounding yourself with your other half, but we've both had tours to go off to, so I'm not able to experience that whole newly-wed feel properly. I won't even get to see him until October, which is the time of the GirlSpice album release... so even then, I'll have to leave again for a promo tour. It's the same boring cycle, it feels like groundhog day, I'm tired of schedules.

The only place I'm finding true peace right now is when I'm left alone after a show to go and write a song in the studio, a song for myself. I've been writing my own record for a while now, and it's the only thing that's truly exciting me right now. These days, I don't feel a lot, and I'm bored of feeling numb over so many things. The bipolar medication does that to me, a lot of the time I just don't feel anything, and I'm tired of that. I'd rather feel something than nothing at all, maybe it's time I came off of it...
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Offline kandii  
#40 Posted : 03 September 2013 05:53:16(UTC)
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미 일 김

일기 친애하는,
지난 몇 개월은 너무 압도적했습니다! 나는 팝 아이콘 해요! 사실, 아니,하지만 우리는 전세계 차트를 배치 한! 우리는 매일 매복 공격을 받고있다! 아이, 청소년, 심지어 성인! 우리는 단지 하루에 너무 많은 사인을 서명! 저와 미키 쇼핑몰에있을 때 누군가가 다른 일을 밖으로 떨어졌다! 것을 믿을 수 있습니까? 그들은 우리를보고 그냥 풍덩 갔다! 그건 단지 ... 충격적. 나는이 인생을 정말 좋아. 내가 꽤 많이 나는 여섯 살 때 모델링에 밀려 그래서 내가 드디어 내가 원하는 뭔가를 얻을 너무 행복 해요 하였다. 그래도 난 내 머리에이 중 어느 것도 얻을 수 없다는 것을 바란다. 나는 그들이 지구에 사람보다 더 생각하는 연예인 중 하나가되고 싶지 않아요. 나는 아직도 다른 모든 사람에게 동등한 자신의 생각 수 있어야합니다. 나는 나의 '상태', I 박탈하고있어 내 하루의 끝에,이 지구에 다른 사람들처럼, 오전 기 때문에 큰 전원 또는 다른 어떤 유명 인사와 인간은 생각하는 경향이있다. 모르겠어요 ... 하지만 ... 아! 내 꿈이오고있다! 그리고 지금은 완전히 'FAN GIRLING'해요! 나는 주말에 레코드 레이블에있어! 세상에! 나는 숨을 쉴 수 없다! 아!
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