OOC: dude, that like perfectly describes the last 6 months of my life. no word of a lie.

OOC: Yeah, like literally perfect minus the pregnancy scare. But it's kinda refreshing to know i wasn't the only one going through this :P Have now taken the step and realised that it's no good for me to be in this dead relationship! But yeah, it was a good read :D

Yesterday I came to the conclusion I hate Nichole Fischer. Fuck,hate isn't even strong enough...loathe? Detest? Wouldn't piss on if on fire? Honestly, do not want to see or speak to her ever again,And I won't. When Takara is born,it will be like ," here's your god child,kiss her and get the fuck out. You'll be contacted if Natalya and I both die and your services are needed. Please don't raise her to be a cunt like you. "

She ruined a perfectly fine time when I visited her after she gave birth to the triplets. All beautiful and healthy! Anyways, nina and castor were there and went off to the bathroom together. Which is kinda weird as far as I know,Natalya still thinks i don't pee or poop. So seeing nina there...it stirred old feelings I had for her. She was my first serious girlfriend and we literally went from rags to ritches together! Of course I can't just turn that off! Nichole's selfish ass wanted to know how I could turn off my feelings for her but not nina. If she wanted the answer to that,she should look in the mirror. She HUMILIATED me on tv. I don't care that people saw every inch of my naked body. Or saw what I am really like when pleasuring or being pleasured... I KNOW I wasnt playing up for the camera. That was real,that was hitomi...who knows about Nichole? Yesterday she mentioned being new and impressed Erica hess as attracted to her...did that cunt use me for her career?! Oh my god...what if she did?? Oh,the humiliation. ...she rejected my want for more than sex. On tv. Twice. That makes it pretty damned easy to turn off feelings for her. She may as well have turned the off switch herself. I told her I still cry for her...and I do. I could almost see the smile on her bitch face. That's all she wanted to hear, That she still owns a part of hitomi kobayashi. At erich and Ada's she got mad with me at how I let Natalya manipulate me. ...Natalya's manipulation had nothing on Nichole's. hers is an evil and hurtful manipulation. I finally saw that yesterday. Was Natalya really manipulating me all this time,or did nichole just want to watch us fight....with the hopes of splitting us up?

Oh humiliation part duex? Her song that told the world I am lousy in bed?! You don't do that to people...especially people you claim are friends. As far as anyone knows from me,nina is a kitty goddess and erich gave me the fucking of a lifetime. I damn sure would NOT tell the world any of my Ex's shortfalls,and I know she feels she should be thought of as an ex.... But ..Nichole not being an ex,I'll put it out there...well,here . Natalya is a wee bit better at kitty kissing. I like it gentle. Again,I would never utter those words to anyone except Natalya.

Oh,this is rich too. She kicks me out of her hospital room when I tell her I wished that whole thing with us never happened! How much stress have those few hours of pleasure caused me? It's a good thing Im Japanese,or else I would look as though I aged ten years because of this shit. Does she want me to be," oh Nichole,I am so glad you made me look like a lovesick puppy . you ensured everyone knew i was a girl you fucked because nobody else was around...with a vagina who would give you the time of day on that fucking show. After said show you made sure to display that you could abuse me at will and I would take it and ACTUALLY DEFEND YOUR ABUSE OF ME! you are right,how rude of me to wish this never happened. Thank you sooo much Nichole. I am so glad most of the fucked up shit in my life involves you."

I am no longer her friend and I am cutting her out of my life. ... Sorry I ever chose Sam to be the father of my child....which I am sure she agreed to only to hold over my head and use as leverage.,I don't think I have ever despised anyone this much. I honestly hate her ....

Barbarian: Yesss, let these lessors know!

OOC: That was hilarious!! XD

Ugh. I cannot believe Adam black is back....and had the balls to show up at honors party. I honestly would have left,. but I think between honor and billy ,Dustyn and I were safe.billy seems like the sort to not put up with any shit in his club. ( was it the devils playground I had a fling with faith in? ) I truly am petrified of Adam. When i saw him? It was all I could do to not run out of the devils playground.
I know people would find this hard to believe,as the persona of Mariko is one of ultra violence...but I have my reason.
It's the same reason I fell in love with envy pilgrim so easily. Envy and I shared a lot in common. ( Sorry if you ever read this,nina.I did love her. but you are who i love now,and only you. promise!) envy was the first girl I had ever been with. It was such an enlightening experience. It was so gentle and loving. I forgot that is what it was supposed to feel like. My previous relationship was.....different. To be honest, I have been beaten and..."other" More times than I can count. Most of my face has been reconstructed due to him,and I can never have children either. After the 4th miscarriage,I was sterilized...so he would not have to be bothered by me. He was American and was in their Army. He always said he would kill me of I left,or told anyone. I fully believe he would have killed me. I would like to say I got the courage and left him...but I did not. There was no white knight of justice either. No. He was simply killed in action somewhere in Iraq many years ago.

When Adam grabbed me by my hair,it all came back to me. He would do the same. Usually before hitting me,it was harder for me to get away that way. After he was killed,the first thing I did was cut my hair short,as I wasnt allowed to before. I spent too long living like this to forgive Adam for what he did....or treat him with the wrath he deserves. I cannot help but be scared of him.When nina comes to my protection,I just melt. Nobody ever did this for me and I spent so long hoping someone Would. To put this to paper makes me feel like I am pathetic. As much as I want to forget this. It is my past. It did happen....and I did nothing to stop it. I could not,it would have only made it worse. ...or maybe a stronger person could have. I am just not that kind of person. Nina would not let this happen to herself.Neither would vara,hitomi or hitomi's friend Nichole. No. Just me. If that snipers bullet would have missed,I would still be at his mercy. (I do not know if it actually was a sniper.but I like to think it was.) I wish nina chan was here..I swear I can smell his cologne in the air.

I can count on my right hand everyone that I trust. That includes family, friends, coworkers, other artists. I don’t trust easy and the reason why is because I know what happens with you open yourself up like that. I going to go ahead and say they I don’t trust humanity as a whole. Sure there are people that I have watching my back but when I do this I am very much aware that this person is in control of my blindsided and will be more shocked if I survive rather than being shot. People are cunning they will trick you and use you to their advantage and I know I am being egoistic but I can’t seem to find my faith in people as a whole. There are exceptions to everything and this is too. I meet someone who I want to open up to. Who I want to be next to, and protect and help be everything to this person; but I am not a fool. I have been in this position before and had my heart broken. To distance yourself from emotion means that the pain isn’t as bad, and I would much rather be hurt by someone that I don’t know or care about than for that person to been close. I can understand and rationalize why a stranger will not give money to a bum. I’m now cutting off family members who constantly ask to “borrow” money with no means to repay. For every good that you see, there is bad everywhere else. Morality isn’t balance like that where they tally up all the good and bad. What happens when you die, and angel comes and say if you were naughty or nice, I don’t know but here on earth nobody keeps checks. And in the world of “get-away-with-it” people who take shortcuts and have their cake and eat it too are the ones that get all of the attention. This public seeks attention like a misbehave child and no one talks about the well behaved honor student like they do the bad boy. What is it about the rebel the person with a lost cause do what he wants when he wants attitude that makes people like the idea. Fair, Justice, and Equality are just words the same way that Nigger, Bitch, faggot, but ears only perk up when they hear the latter. You learn very early that life isn’t fair, but can it be? Can people learn to care about others as they care for love ones. To give yourself to others knowing others with give of themselves. Open your doors to the homeless and feed the hungry not because you seek attention but you can understand their pain and what they are going through. I want to believe that we as a society can do this. I want to believe that this is very much possible and that life is fairer than what we make it out to be. I want to but again I am not a fool and if you asked me this question I would say no because we all prey for the best but a lot of us hedge our bets and expect the worst to come. That is why I only show my back to people I’m okay with ending me. So if I should die I would know that it wasn’t a random fly by night person but someone who went through what I went through. Knew what I knew and shared life with me to come to the point that life isn’t worth it and takes mine. I hope that when they do they have more meaning because nothing about me will change, my mind already tells me that the worst is yet to come but I keep pushing having faith that there is light after darkness.