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Another update from me guys - it's been a while, I guess I haven't really seen the point in updating. The majority of people who care come by and visit or phone me. But then I thought, not everyone who wants to be here can be, so I better do something.
I'm glad there's no cameras following me around in here like there were in the 'real' world. Other than a few patches here and there, my hair is now gone. I don't think Syke would of coped. I've lost a ton of weight too. I look like a ghost. I say the 'real' world, cause in here, it's really not all that real. People don't get on with their lives like they do normally, instead, they just sit and wait for something to happen. That's not living. I have had some concept of reality though in the past few days, I've talked with lots of people in the last 48 hours as part of the therapy I'm recieving. Some people I've talked to are perfectly healthy ex-patients, they're my inspirations, musicians will never mean as much to me as these guys. And then I've talked to family members who have lost people to this disease too. Since then, in the break between chemo and my next treatment (which I'll tell you about in a minute), I've started to write my will. Considering your own death is something that can really mess with your head. I can handle it, but there's moments when I feel totally lost no matter who's there or what I'm doing. If I'm not careful, that feelings gonna take me over completely. There's been a major development with my treatment, so I think I should get onto that now...
The news is not the best, but it's not hopeless either. My bloodcounts have not turned around, and as far as I know this means that the treatment I've been given is not working/isn't going to work, so they've got to look for something else. That something else would be a bone marrow transplant. A new immune system, if you like. But there's stuff that's gotta be done before that, and it's nasty. Firstly, they're gonna have to find me a donor, which I hear can be very hard in some cases. If they manage to find me one before I take a turn for the worse, then the next step is to irradiate me. That sounds awful. They basically destroy every cancer cell in my body, making sure that there's absolutely nothing left. If even one cell is left then the illness can come back, so it's all on chance. Thats when the bone marrow is needed - to start rebuilding my immune system, which will be pretty dead after all that irradiation.
I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. The majority of people who reach the stage I'm at now aren't expected to live a full adult life, and there's a significant amount who don't make it to the end of the next year. Then there's the many, many complications that could take place with the transplant, and that's if I can even get one at all. Hope's all I've got, so I'll just keep hoping.
- Jakey x |
