Christopher Walker's One on One Interview
Lately Christopher Walker has been everywhere from being on suicide watch to being the life of the party with no middle ground. After hearing about Chris childhood we decided to sit down and have a one on one with the blog star only we to make some adjustments. Upon his request Erica Hess was the one to ask the questions, so this was that interview we had last week.
Interviewer: "Hello I'm here with Christopher Walker and I'm here to do a sit down interview with him to talk about his past. I was really interested in how growing up in such a harsh environment lead to his behavior. "
Chris: "Nope I'm not doing it."
Interviewer: "What do you mean you're not doing it?"
Chris: "I'm not doing it with you. You make my life seem depressing, and I'm not a charity case. I don't need your pity or sympathy."
Interviewer: "Okay is their anyone you would want to make this easier for you?"
Chris: "You have Erich on speed dial?"
Interviewer: "I'm afraid that Mr. Hess can't come in this building for last time we had to evacuate."
Chris: "Really," Chris said interested for the first time "may I ask what he did?"
Interviewer: "That is a classified information."
Chris:"Alright get me Erica to do it."
Interviewer: "Erica...."
Chris: "Erica Hess she hasn't done anything bad to get kicked out right?"
Interviewer: "Well no but,"
Chris: "Then she does it or no interview."
Interviewer: "Okay, fine." The man said looking disappointed it took some time but they finally convinced her to come in and try to read from a script of questions "Now Erica, could you please do this for Christopher. This is his first sit down interview and it is important to get to the emotional and mental issues. Do that and we will work on your demands"
Questions include
What were your parents like to you growing up
Do you still feel responsible for your mother's death.
How did you feel hearing your father passed away.
Why were you hated by your grandparents
Have you ever met your father's side of the family
Tell us about your relationship with Jake
Do you still feel depressed?
How long were you an orphan
How did Jake's parents react to you
What is your relationship like with Sarah
How are you emotionally
Chris asked "Can I look at those?" looking at the list of quesions "Gah these questions are terrible it feels like I'm doing that emo test again." He then ripped the paper and tosses it across the room.
erica: i dont think you doing the emo test will cut it...get it? cut? hahahaha,i kill me. im open to some questions,but i am not open to tasteful nudity.
Chris: You seem like the type to do tasteless nudity just because it would get little attention and people wouldn't pay it mind. No Playboy more to like AV idols. Just come up with some stuff. It will be better this way. And then I can ask you some questions while we're at it.
erica:with these questions they gave me. ON PAPER NOT SUITED FOR JOINT ROLLING i might add,it leads one to believe you had it pretty rough growing up. the culture uncut article didnt help. but, I know that site can be less than truthful. so lets have it then, what was growing up chris like?
Chris: Not very fun. I mean it wasn't terrible I wasn't Oliver Twist begging for food in rags. I just didn't get along with my parents for the most part. You know how young teens are in a rocky relationship and they think that a child might fix things well taadaa turns out it didn't who knew. What about your childhood it must have been fun with your sister going on crazy adventures.
erica: oh! my kidhood was more scooping ice cream to my shit-heel friends on summer break.I'm talking goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. while i got you here...whats with the bunny mask? has v for vendetta become passe and you young kids dont like it anymore?
Chris: It sounds like your childhood was an acid trip. You sniffed markers? You tried toad, cause that seems like what happen like Mariko was like "I wonder how they make markers smell like fruit?" Then you being the caring sister that you are found how to take the tops of the markers and sniffed those little packets and the cycle began. How can you be Asian and not know that it's a panda mask. It is my campaign for equality. Black white Asian vegetarian bear. It doesn't get more diverse then that. Panda Gang.
erica: that would explain the burning sensation.if i recall one of those questions on the NOT ROLLING PAPER was something about blaming yourself for one of your parent's deaths? that can be a pretty hard thing to deal with.it took me years to get over it.
Chris: It wasn't pretty I can tell you that. You would think the first thought was oh man My mother is gone, what am I going to do without her, but really my first thought was damn it and I don't have my key to the house where am I going to sleep. It's cold outside would they mind if I break in.
erica:and what of the other parent? rating from one to ten on the attachment meter.
Chris: I got to take points off for ditching and not coming back but he was the cool one so I'm going to give dear old dad a 5 most of my memories well the few that I remember about him were good ones.
erica:not to be rude...but to be rude, any weird fetishes? surely someone with that background has to be into some weird things? demand to be called henry kissinger? slathering your gonads in butter and baking them to a golden brown? please,i need the dirt! im working on my girl scout journalism badge...about 20 years too late.
Chris: That last one sounded painful who in their right mind would put them in a STD slit ooooh you meant actually baking like an oven. That makes more sense, ummm uhhh dirty secret alright I got one I like dirty talk the rougher and nastier the better. I don't know why I just like when a girl does it. You know when you are cooking in you momma's juices before sexual characteristics come in everyone starts out a girl. And mine just seem to show up sometimes.
erica: you ever want to just box christopher from the stat nerds' ears? surely the name "chris" being in both your twitter handles has caused some animosity.
Chris: I met Chris and he seems like the prefect version of me. If I could sing, dance, worked out, had talent. I could be that Chris no problem.
erica:*shuffling some papers she pulls out of thin air* so,you ever seen a grown man naked?
Chris: You want the want the truth you can't handle the truth so I will tell you a half truth and say I didn't see a grown not naked before let's just say it happen in a catholic church and I got another to take the fall for me cause I got enough problems.
erica:isnt it a shame what has become of the slapstick genre? the brilliant "airplane" has no place in the world today....though anal cavity searches are funny. if put to the benny hill theme.
Chris: Like adding Chan to the end of thing The Benny hill theme makes anything funny. Its all about pain humor now. No witty banter anymore just a bunch a kids who think nut shots are funny. What is the female version of nuts shots, cunt bunts, boob slaps? That last one needs to catch on big breasted women just walking up and slapping people in the face with their breast.
erica: if you could still order from the kids menu,would you?
Chris: Fuck yea I would, who said I don't do it now? If girls were weren't feeling bad about it I would do it during a date. Billy isn't going to do the activities in the booklets and he damn sure isn't going to draw in between the lines.
erica:lets go all j-14 here...who's your one crush who you would fuck the living daylights out of?
Chris: What's a J-14 I heard of a B-9 and W-2 but a J-14.....ummm crushes, crushes god so many of them I would have to have it like big brother style where I put them in a house have them go though challenges and whoever wins get to be the one I pick.
erica:*clearing her throat* ok,i've just been informed j-14 would never use the word "daylights". oh well. so chris,as one of the non musical members of our little industrial family,how do you feel about people ,usually artists,saying "get a real job"?
Chris: Oh I bet you get that question too. " When are you going to do another song," "When are you going to follow up to afterlife." See you set the bar to high. If anything I tell artist I can always work at TMZ following you around all day and take pictures or I can just leave your personal space alone and keep doing what I'm doing. My bar is so low that this is a success. Hell getting people to bring you in for me means I hit diva status.
erica:i see...and would you kill them if you could get away with it?
Chris: Oh sure if I could get away with it I would hop in a time machine and kill my grandpa. But I cant cause of that whole paradox thing of you won't be born so you can't kill your grandfather. Celebrities and other people depends I could be a badass mercenary to get away with stuff like that, but people aren't really worth the effort to plot death plans on them.
erica:lastly. drunk or high? which do you prefer?
Chris: Drunk makes me laugh a lot but I can't do anything else so I rather be high. Worst I just be hungry and giggle while getting work done.
Umm I don't know what this was suppose to do but they seem like they get along too well.
