Harlot: Erica Hess :the motion picture. - Roleplay

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erich hess		#1 Posted : 03 August 2023 06:48:47(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,638 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21699 times Was thanked: 17932 time(s) in 10423 post(s)		thanks to Mr sugar for this movie poster. a film by:Jayne Wriggle. Ooc:don’t pay attention to dates and ages. It wont add up/make sense. The hesses have never really aged in my head. Jayne Wriggle Erica Hess Jayne: today we are going to delve into one of the greatest mysteries of the music world: erica hess. Who is she? Where did she come from? Where is she going? And most importantly,what does she want from us? While this is going to be the no bullshit version of erica’s story,we will also get into the history of the larger hess clan. How did it all start? What is the relationship between erica and erich hess? Do nina and erica legitimately hate each other? Lets start off with the hardest question first,erica….when and where you born? Erica: laughs before pretending to storm out of the room my manager said that question was off limits! Fuck you and this whole mickey mouse operation! cackles pleasantly before sitting back down. well..i was born Kobayashi Hitomi in Osaka,Japan. I was born on…and I swear if I ever hear this mentioned by anyone,I will fucking kill them…I was born April 20,1982. Yeah,I am not 18. Sighs sadly the street in osaka where erica and her family lived. Jayne: oh wow… Erica: you aren’t much younger,jayne.. Jayne: grins but I am younger. Erica: flatly this had better get more fun and fast. Jayne: what was life like for a young Hitomi? Erica: I was the second child of Kanata and yumi. My parents had met in university and later worked at the same marketing firm. Unlike so many people in the industry,my family life was great. My parents were loving to each other and to my brother and I. back in the 70’s my parents were communist radicals ,but by the time I was around,they were firmly in the corporate world. My brother,jigen, was 11 years older than me. so he did grow up more as the product of two teenage parents. Me? I grew up in all the comfort middle management salary could buy. So I had a comfortable life. shrugs not the most “punk” of backgrounds,but whatever. Jayne: the harlots have a very….colorful past. We’re you always a little hell raiser? Erica:giggles oh god no. I was a little angel. Jayne: you? Really? Erica:yes! Why is that so hard to believe? I am a ray of fucking sunshine and always have been. Jayne: so you never got in trouble in school? Erica: not until much later. When I was little,the worst thing I did was knock over a plastic shelf. Well……technically, I didn’t knock it over. I bumped it and one of the legs fell off! so I stood there trying to not look like 5 year old me is the only thing keeping the shelf upright. The teacher made me return to my desk,and when I did? The shelf crashed to the floor and dirt from several potted plants went EVERYWHERE! laughs that was the extent of my “anarchy in Osaka” . The teacher was super pissed though. Hey,if I didn’t have to stop playing shelf leg and return to my seat,the shelf wouldn’t fallen. I think being a shelf leg would be just as fulfilling spiritually as being a rockstar. Erica age 8. Jayne: so what happened to make you want to be a rockstar? Erica: laughs and blushes oh,now were getting personal! I was pretty young when my brother took me to see shonen knife and bikini kill. He was always far more hip to things than I was,so I was always being dragged along to whatever show he was going to. From the moment I saw Kathleen hanna sing,I knew that is what I wanted to do. This night is also when I noticed I enjoyed looking at her too…laughs and turns ted so in the course of one night,I found my direction in life and realized oh shit,I like girls in the same way I like boys. Jigen thought It was hilarious that his quiet little sister wanted to be a punk rock singer. sighs and looks away before swallowing before speaking. he was killed on his motorcycle a few weeks later. So he never got to see if I did it or not. Jayne: oh christ! Erica: yeah..he and i were very close. He was the cool older brother and I was the nerdy sister... but he always included me,you know? And suddenly,I was an only child. I was never the same after that. How could I be? He was 28 and just like that,gone! After seeing someone I loved so dearly buried so young,I figured :fuck it,this could all be taken away tomorrow. I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want to do. My brothers death brought with it an interesting addition to our family: mariko..one day This woman we never saw before dropped this little girl off and told my parents that jigen has a daughter and just left her. Jayne: oh my god. Erica:yeah. Its highly possible jigen isn’t even mariko’s father but we never wanted to truly find out. Mariko was all we had left of jigen….but it seems his girlfriend wasn’t exactly loyal. shrugs it doesn’t matter one way or the other,mariko and I are sisters now. giggles and winks She is also the only other person than taki who I will say is cuter than me. Jayne: could you tell us a little about mariko? Erica: smiles warmly there is no other person alive that I am closer to. She feels the same way about me. We tend to get on each other’s nerves if we spend too much time together. It’s silly but sometimes I treat her like I’m her mother instead of her sister. But,you know..i lost her once and I promised never again. Before she found fame,my sister was a housewife. She lived a quiet life in Okinawa.well,that is what we all thought. Her husband,an American from the military base there,was abusive to her. To the point where her face has been rebuilt so many times that she doesn’t look like the person I knew. Mariko can never have children of her own because of that bastard. Mariko ADORES children. In many ways,she is a better mother to Takara than I am.shrugs and sighs So After reuniting with mariko and learning what she endured,I promised I would always be with her. Jayne: and for the record,everything you say about the other members of the hess clan was already cleared. Erica:yes,im not telling tales out of school here. Though,I am one of the few characters that can break the fourth wall. That’s myself,nina,erich,karoliena,mariko to an extent..oh! erica exclaims excitedly of course,your queen and mine: Mercedes! So I know everything about everyone. So some things might be a bit of an exposition dump Jayne:what…? Fourth wall? Exposition dump? what are you talking about? Erica: don’t worry about it. Lets continue on. winks directly at you,the reader of this. Jayne: so earlier,you mentioned seeing some singer and realizing you weren’t straight. Did your parents ever know and how did they react? Erica:laughs and opens a bottle of juice. She takes a long sip before speaking. they found out when they came home early one night and found out how close me and my “best friend” were at the time! My dad awkwardly kicked her out of the house with a “you have to go …not because of…’and then just sort of trailed off. They made no bigger deal about it than if they walked in on me and a boy. They were always supportive of whomever I was dating because I have excellent taste. Even that time I was dating erich and nina together. giggles madly and blushes Jayne: erica! Erica:what?! I was young and needed the money! Jayne: under her breath sounds like someone needed to get the water hose on you. Moving on, so how did you start in music? Erica:laughs my parents used to travel a lot for their job. Marketing conventions and things like that. We were in London when I met nina delores o’sullivan. Better known and nina sangria. She was busking outside the station near the hotel my family was staying at. ..but she wasn’t any good. In fact,she was purposely terrible. Nina specialized in poorly done beatles covers. Finally I had to ask her why she was doing such a thing.Granted,by looking at the money in nina’s guitar case it was a lot more profitable than you would first think. But not really THAT profitable. Nina replied “I hate the beatles and I like to annoy people,love.” And then played the worst cover of elenor rigby I’ve ever heard. I knew I was never going to a joe strummer,or jello Biafra. . i’ll never have important stuff to say. I just wanted to make fun punk rock and nina seemed like just the right person to join up with. When my parents and mariko returned to Japan,I stayed in London with nina. .Nina Sangria in an old harlots promo photo Jayne: you stayed in a new country,with a woman you just met….why? Erica: chuckles i think you’re old enough now to know what two people who love each other very much do. Jayne: I will get the water hose. Erica: that’ll just arouse me more. Its not my fault we’re in the horny part of the story. Jayne: checking my note here….it seems like it never stops being the horny part of the story from here on out. Erica: what can I say? checks her nails Its what I do. Jayne: sprays erica with a spray bottle Erica:sarcastically oh now,I’d hate to be horny AND sprayed with water. Jayne:so what were the early days with nina like? Erica: she and I sort of bounced from place to place. Living like two scrappy little dickensesque street urchins. We’d perform on street corners…. sarcastically ha ha. Not like that. You fuckers know what I mean. We’d find touristy areas , where She would play guitar on one corner ,badly.while I would play a tiny piano beautifully on the other. People would feel bad and give her more money. giggles and takes a bow it was a brilliant grift if I do say so myself. Theres nothing wrong with a little grift if its fun,right? This is how we met chloe pastis,our future drummer. I’d tell you more about her,but why would you want to know about her? Shes a fucking drummer. blows a raspberry and gives a thumbs down Jayne:that’s rather harsh. I thought this was supposed to be a serious interview. Erica: seriously,fuck drummers. laughs Some bits I refuse to give up and the chloe bit is one running gag that will not be stopped. Jayne: so when did you stop the grifting and start pursing music as….nevermind. I can already see the joke. Erica: you deprived the readers of a good joke. Jayne: flatly did i? so with the addition of chloe,the band is formed and we all know the story from there. one thing I always wondered, How did you all decide on the name? Erica: giggles excitedly so as you can guess,nina and were more than just friends. She was my first serious girlfriend so you can imagine where this is going……laughs and shakes her head im kidding. We were just walking down the street holding hands when this grumpy fossil of a woman passed us and muttered: “would you look at the fucking state of these two harlots?” nina and I just thought it was hilarious and that more people should use the word “harlot”’. Plus,a band called the whores? Too scrunches up her face….ew. then smugly nods now the harlots? that sounds cute and fun. Jayne: now shortly after the harlots were formed,is when I met you. You were hanging around erich at the time,who lived across the street from me. takes a deep breath um,why don’t you tell us about that? erica on miami beach at the time Erica:long sigh picture it. Sicily,1939. Or actually miami…sometime.. The harlots had taken a bit of a break. Chloe needed to go back to arles for …I dunno, some ritual to resurrect van gogh or something ,so we were fucked. My parents were in miami for some business business shit and I met with them. I was at the hotel bar when this greasy guy walked up to me and handed me a flyer for his band, “the absinthe fiends”. Yes, it was erich hess. He was different sort of greasy then, less elvis and more bela Lugosi. The absinthe fiends were pretty much a rip off of the damned,so I guess that is apt. not that the harlots were any better. We were straight up doing a ramones thing. Jayne:doing…as in past tense? smirks Erica: sorry,what legendary band are you in? that’s right. So anyways,erich and I just sort of instantly had the sort of connection we have. It was like meeting someone and thinking “oh my god,this is me from an alternate universe.” erica covers her face and starts giggling and kicking her feet before regaining her composure a little oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I’ll tell you this before I tell you the sad part….I WAS ERICH’S FIRST! Yes,that rumor is true. Its really kind of funny because the only reason there even was a band called the absinthe fiends was because karoliena convinced erich that forming a band would help him meet girls. Jayne: ew Erich Hess and Jayne Wriggle At prom Erica: right. Soo…the next day erich and I are over at his house,well..his parents house. all of us were still teenagers at the time. He and I are have been there all day drinking mojitios and watching soap operas with his mom. Erich’s mom is named Samantha or sabrina ..i forget which one. His father then comes home…now,erich’s father was a police officer. He looked and,from the one time I saw him,acted like a crooked chubby southern cop in a cheap movie. As soon as he gets there,erich is like “We gotta go.now.” and we go to leave. erichs dad then says…”get that not so nice term for Japanese person out of my house. my dad didn’t kill them in dubya dubya two for you to bring one home.” And at first I thought it was a joke..a cruel joke,but it made more sense to me than thinking he really just said that. Before i know what is happening,erich has a gun to his father’s face. I don’t know what the fuck to do. Erich’s mom has passed out..i run across the street to the first person I see. This person was…... Jayne:my dad. Randy Wriggle Erica: jayne’s dad,randy wriggle. Who I was lucky to meet,since it so happened that randy intervened between erich and his father all the time,so this was nothing new for him. The attempted murder though? That was a new little wrinkle it seemed. Randy defused things and takes a long sip of her juice later adopted erich. Seems erich’s father held a grudge and kicked erich out. Jayne: it was pretty much a formality at that point. Erich always spent a lot of time at our house. for…obvious reasons. clasps her hands together and smiles at the camera. join us in part two where we’ll continue this look into erica hess’ life..... sometime.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#2 Posted : 14 August 2023 01:45:35(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,638 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21699 times Was thanked: 17932 time(s) in 10423 post(s)		part 2 and another excuse to post this spiffy poster. Jayne: so from there,the Hess clan was born. is there any particular reason you guys have always been sort of a commune? Erica: well, you know it just sort of stuck. when we first started out it.it just made sense to share equipment,rides,everything. plus,we kind of wanted that whole "Manson family" vibe...but wholesome and fun. Jayne: so who would be the charlie of the Hess clan? Erica:the answer would probably surprise you. you're probably thinking me or erich. but no. its karoliena. its always been karoliena. karoliena is the one who formed the absinthe fiends with erich. before that? he was willy hebmuller: local sex shop worker. shes the one who managed to get through the change the absinthe fiends to atomic war bride. she is the one who suggested we work together. she's always been like our mom or big sister. Jayne: i have to ask...what was the cause the absinthe fiends becoming atomic war bride? Erica: lights blunt and starts smoking something about a lost bet or something. all i know is a puppet troupe out of Fargo now has the rights to the name. I've seen their act...its fine if Victorian puppet drama is your thing. its not not my thing,but i wouldn't go out of my way to see it again. Jayne:...that frankly sounds awesome! oh my god...were tickets hard to get?! they would have to be for something like that. Erica: oh my god,you're so fucking lame,Jayne! it was me and a group of very bored little kids from a summer camp. they did give me a peanut butter sandwich,so i DO recommend the cuisine. Jayne: clearing her throat i see... moving along. so karoliena,huh? i guess it makes sense. she does seem to the one serious and responsible of the group. could you tell us what you know of karoliena's past? Karoliena before an atomic war bride show circa 2011 Erica: first off,karoliena is far from serious. she's silly as fuck. giggles shes anywhere between 30 and 90 years old. i have no fucking clue and its impossible to find out. see,karoliena is very old money,the kind that buys that sort of anonymity.. some sort of Belgian aristocrats. and not good ones. I've seen pictures of Kissinger at their house. when we mention the castle on twitter,its a real castle. she has a twin sister named karolien who is the exact opposite of karoliena. the classic good twin bad twin thing. karoliena was the bad twin. she was a constant hell raiser from early on. but not good natured hi jinx,more like "sink dad's yacht." karoliena's voice from off screen: it was insured. Erica:unlike karoliena's sense of comedic timing,her behavior never improved. in her early teens she found destroying people's lives was far more satisfying than property damage. one of her victims was someone her family liked or something. whatever the case,it was the final straw and that's when karoliena was disinherited from the family and was exiled to Miami beach. dont feel too bad for her. karoliena had a spiffy condo,a rolls,and seemingly always enough money. she still worked at the sex shop with Erich. they both thought working in a place with so many rubber dicks around would be hilarious. Jayne: what sort of relationship do you have with karoliena? Erica: you mean,is Wednesday night truly orgy night? i'm not going to answer because i dont want nina finding out one way or the other. giggles and winks Jayne: that isn't what i meant at all. Erica: yeah...i bet it isn't..i have my eye on you. karoliena is someone who has been there during some of the worst moments in my life. i have the tendency to overreact,or so i am told...karoliena is usually the one who gets me on an even keel again. she is really one of the most caring people i have ever met. if i throw up at night,there's a not zero chance she will be there with a damp towel for my forehead. ...and to kick me in the ass when I've a bit too much of something or another. cackles merrily. she is someone i sort of aspire to be more like. she has the most stable life of anyone i know. she is just amazing with her kids. she is literally perfect. sometimes it makes me wanna gag. makes a retching sound and laughs. Jayne:so to get back on track. the Hess clan was formed...but where did the name come from? Erica: Erich Von Stroheim and the Hess gas station near where Erich worked. we were tripping balls one day and walked down there for some drinks. we both thought the clerk was Erich Von Stroheim. history was made that day. willy became Erich and i took the name Erica, you know, since i guess its the feminine version of Erich. so pretty apt,id say. long dead actor director or gas station attendant? you be the judge. Jayne: real quick,is there any truth to the urban legend that you and Erich were actually married at one time? Erica: yuppers! we actually did get married in Miami on a rainy day in July. the white stripes were huge at the time and there was an urban legend that jack and meg white were siblings that were married or just possibly married.but the thing is ,nobody knew. it wasn't like the Ramones where you just knew they were four dudes using fake names. so yeah.we went a long way for a joke. by the time we were famous enough for anyone to care about our identities,nobody cared about the white stripes anymore and our joke was moot. shrugs live an learn. Jayne: with things moving along,it was time to put music to tape. how was recording the first single? Erica: pssssht. nobody cares. nobody is watching this thinking "ooh,i sure hope Erica gets into the weeds about the recording process of sisters of Eris." waves hand dismissively Jayne:....um that isn't anywhere near your first single. Erica: i don't remember the shit,i just write it. Jayne: so the curtain falls and time passes. the Hess clan builds a passionate underground following and are inexplicably signed to Studio60 records. success finds the young Erica and her friends. Erica and her friends find life on the road. quickly the harlots became notorious for the offstage antics and none of the seven deadly sins were left untouched. life was good for the Hesses. it was around this time that Erica and Erich purchased the duke of Winchester. a cruise ship from the late 1950's that was on its way to the scrapyard. but there were dark clouds on the horizon. The Duke Of Winchester. seen here sunning himself in wales. Erica: dramatic much? Jayne: great,now i look like an asshole if i continue with this question. Erica: go on..i had to get that joke out of my system. i know where this is going. Jayne: on the 11th of march 2011 the harlots and atomic war bride were playing 924 Gilman st.a venue in California... Erica:this was the day of the tsunami..i was out playing rockstar. hell,i might even have been on stage when it happened. after my sister and i moved out,our parents retired and left Osaka for a cute little place in Ishinomaki. they fucking loved it there.then..after the tsunami.. there was nothing. bare ground was all that remained of their home. they were never found. i don't know...if i was there maybe i could have done something and helped? i don't know.its just a guilt I've carried for a long time. its stupid,but whatever. i never claimed to be bright. they had so much more life to give. sighs fuck. my brother never saw me perform and my parents never got to see how far i could take writing stupid shit and jumping around on stage with my friends. laughs as she cries softly maybe that is for the best,right? I've done some real stellar shit,right? Jayne: it was years before you returned to japan after this.it wasn't until your marriage to Natalya Dobros. Erica: a long deep sigh yeah...the place is just one big graveyard as far as I'm concerned. this is the real fucking messy part of the story. yeah,i hated japan. for the longest time,i had nightmares that i would find my parents bodies. it was always so realistic too..ugh..drinks from her bottle of tea. Natalya...someone who deserved a fuck of a lot better than me,that's for sure. aside from...."the thing",most people will remember her as a member of the short lived girl group,lashes. the group itself being most famous for having Gemma Kane in it. a lot of people don't realize how big a deal it was for myself and Gemma to be as close as we were on big brother. she and i used to fight all the time. she and nattycakes didn't get along,so i had to get involved....and,well...how Natalya saw things wasn't exactly the truth. shrugs just some fun history that like 3 people might care about. but anyway, i met Natalya through twitter. she...er...offered a threesome to Erich and i. Jayne: oh my god,Erica. Erica: what? I'm sorry you're life is super boring. Jayne:that's my brother you're talking about. Erica: oh,you never "help me,stepbrother. I'm stuck in the dryer"? Jayne: ew,stop. get back to what will probably be graphic descriptions of things i don't want to hear about. Erica:cmon,i could give the people what they want.. giggles and starts in her sleaziest voice so there i was,just slippery as hell with lube ...* cackles with joy and returns to telling her real story.* at the time,Erich and i were a couple. but sex was sex and love was love. we were never physically exclusive.obviously,because i think Micah was a kid when this was happening. ok..so...i kind of have a thing for large breasted blonde women. so,of course,i took Natalya up on her offer. probably being publicly gross about it,if i remember right. Erich ended up not being all that interested and didn't join. i met Natalya and..well,one thing lead to another and we were married shortly after. she wanted to live in japan...so i agreed. Christ,if i would have just said no...she'd still be alive today. but i didn't and...japan had a new corpse. Natalya Dobros. Jayne: could you tell us about your relationship with Natalya? Erica: lets out a long sigh and looks out the window at Osaka well...i would be lying if i didnt answer with "rocky". she is no longer here to give her side,so I'll be pretty general. we argued a lot. like...a LOT. but we had oodles of good times too. so i guess like any couple,really. for the most part when things were good,they were amazing. Jayne: soon you two were married and Takara Svetlana Kobayashi was on her way. Erica: nattycakes was so happy. we were so happy.. but Natalya...she never looked so happy as when the test was positive. she dived fully into the motherhood role. she picked out the name takara. it means "treasure"....shakes her head sadly and holds back tears. Jayne: so,who is the father of Takara? Erica: some people probably assume it's Erich. but that is not the case. though for the fact collectors at home,erich and i would have had a baby in about 2004. anywho. the father of Takara is a man named Sam Fischer. he used to front a Canadian metal band called "acts of hate". Sam was a super cool and funny guy. Erich and i used to have some crazy adventures with him. usually centered around inebriated operation of an RV,poutine,and Tim Hortons. groans* we have to talk about her,don't we? Sam Fischer. the greatest Canadian not named Zap Rowsdower ,Sami Zayn or Kevin Owens Jayne:yes...so how did you know Sam Fischer? Erica: the harlots tour with lots of bands,we just toured with acts of hate a lot...sighs and grimaces fine...Sam was the boyfriend of my friend at the time: Nichole shade. friend isn't really accurate. more like crush..i had a huge crush on Nichole. Jayne: she has long since fallen out of the spotlight. so could you tell us a little about her? Erica: Nichole shade and castor drake used to have a band called vile hour. they played piano driven stuff...very cabaret Erica does jazz hands. loved their stuff. Nichole was either really punk rock or a psychopath, tilts head maybe both. Vile Hour Castor Drake (left) Nichole Shade (right) Jayne: how did you meet Nichole shade? Erica: laughs and shrugs its another horny part. now I'm sure the harlots and vile hour played shows together before,but i know everyone is here for it...i met her on big brother. not the most recent time i was on there..i was on a season many years back. one of the crazy seasons. for some reason,the show always seemed to follow a pattern. there would be an insane season,followed by a cute and calm one. karoliena's wife,Cassie Summers,was on the first season...her first child was probably conceived on the show. Erich was on the season after that. it was pretty wholesome. much to his dismay. my season was after that.if i can remember, there was me,Nichole,billy khan,serenity Scott,Suzie? Andros, some British rapper guy,possible name of Matt?,and some guy billy was going to fight over insulin. there was more,but i cant remember. when i met Nichole by the big brother pool,it was just an instant crush. the entire show was spent either fucking or fighting Nichole. just vicious fights. nothing physical,but there were times where it could have been. Jayne: and for the record,did you win the season? Erica: seething no. billy khan did. speaking of,did you know that that season, billy turned down a threesome with Nichole and i in the pool?! big brother did nothing for my ego laughs dodged a fucking bullet or herpes there. Jayne: what happened after the show,in regards to Nichole and you? Erica: we still fought all the time. only this time there was no fucking. she had met Sam Fischer on one of our tours together and i guess fell in love. in spite of having had a crush on Nichole,even then i knew he was too good for her. i cant say enough good about Sam. cool dude. it's very possible my jealousy helped fuel some of the fights with Nichole. i would say its likely. i met Natalya and sort of veered away from Nichole for awhile. this is also around the time where the Hess clan sort of split. Jayne: split? Erica: yeah. usually our romantic interests were with each other. but around this time, i had found Natalya. and through Nichole, Erich had met her friend,Ada Von Wannemaker.Nina had met Nichole's band mate,Castor Drake. i think karoliena was dating someone from Sam's band. love was in the air. laughs Jayne:what a tangled web indeed. so how did Nichole's boyfriend father your daughter? Erica:baby fever was sweeping the nation! eventually Sam and Nichole became pregnant....erich and ada were pregnant. nattycakes and i were left out. Ada was extremely territorial over erich,so that option was out. like i said before,Sam was just an awesome guy. we couldn't ask for a better choice. so my daughter has three half siblings from Nichole. i think Nichole had 2 girls and a boy. I'm not sure. we'll probably hear about them again one day in a true crime story where they kill their mother. Jayne:that is dark. for completion,could you tell us about Ada and castor? Erica:i cant really say much about castor. he was a drummer,so who fucking cares? all i can say is,he was very possessive over Nina. he hated her showing off her body. which he didn't seem to mind when they first met.... i don't think he could ever really get over Nina being an ex porn actress. Jayne: how did that not come up earlier when we were talking about Nina?! erica: its a job. i wouldn't tell you every job i worked at..if i had a job before becoming a musician. laughs. castor never really seemed to treat Nina as an equal. even though she was older,the bigger star,and generally a better person. one day castor just up and left. Nina never heard from him or is daughter again. jayne: and ada? erics: laughs i better be careful with my words,eh jayne? jayne: laughs warmly and smiles full disclosure,I've been romantically involved with ada for over a year. erica: the music business is one big incestuous orgy when you get right down to it. jayne: yeah...don't remind me. Ada Von Wannemaker on one of the many harlots/atomic war bride/vile hour tours. Erica: anyway, Ada was a friend of Nichole's. her past is her own,and i wont really get into it because she asked me no to. so this is what she okayed. we all met ada shortly after this man she was dating committed suicide. she had tagged along with nichole to some little party we were having aboard the the duke. ada had a pretty good career going in....i dunno what you'd call it. like...soft stuff that people in volvos who frequent farmers markets like. i think she had a few number one songs and some awards. she wasn't small potatoes like a lot of people think now. in the wee small hours of the morning she saw erich dancing to tom jones' "whats new,pussycat?" while he was wearing a skirt made from the crystals of an old chandelier. love bloomed and the second most toxic relationship in the hess clan was born. chuckles personally, i think the problem was on her. we all know what erich is about. he has little problem being loyal,so it wasn't that. but i think she expected sober erich....laughs so hard she turns red cmon. that just isnt going to happen. it didn't help that ada has terrible anxiety. it's so bad she had to give up performing. she works for a big gallery in new york these days.she seems happy in that life ,so we're all happy for her..giggles and you ,jayne. jayne: back to living in japan with natalya. The home erica and natalya shared. cuts to erica walking in a lush park on a bright sunny day. the park is in a rural japanese countryside. she pauses at a fountain. Erica: this is where it happened. the absolute worst and best day of my life...and i wasnt even here for it. this is where natalya was murdered. she was nine months pregnant and i had been carrying on a 6 months long affair with nichole. nichole and i had our own little apartment in prague and everything. that is where i was on that day. our neighbor,who's name i refuse to say, was a disturbed man who live with his mother. do what you gotta do,its rough out there. im not slagging his living situation. but i think if he had other people in His life,they'd have seen his obsession with sailor moon was unhealthy. natalya...had blonde hair and blue eyes... so that day he came over and started talking to her. being kind,nattycakes invite him in for tea and..when she didn't treat him as he thought sailor moon should treat him..he threw the teapot at her head..she fell to the floor. the intensity of the situation sent her into labor as she was dying. its possible she never heard takara's first cry. the murderer took baby takara with him when he returned home..and yes,the myth is true. he took and ate natalya's eyes. so every person with a god damned youtube channel making "documentaries" about this can stop. there's no mystery anymore. it fucking happened. the man's mother called the police and soon after,i got the call...so while my wife was being brutally murdered and our daughter being brutally born...i was fucking a woman who i eventually would loathe. so i honestly don't know why anyone likes me. I'm the worst piece of shit in this business. that is the sort of thing i am capable of. so i get the call and leave for osaka immediately.i..identified the body..and was later holding our child. takara looked a lot like natalya...sighs I'm not sure if the affair with nichole continued after this. for months after things were sort of a blur. jayne: the murderer would never see a courtroom though. he would be stabbed multiple times while awaiting trial. erica:there is some absurd urban legend that i have ties to the yakuza. laughs cmon? seriously? using Occam's razor,which is more likely: i have yakuza ties to the level of getting someone killed in prison? or a guy with a sailor moon obsession is going to have a bad time in jail? erica turns to you,the reader of this post and pauses the interview this is actually true. my brother's childhood friend had this done for me. interview resumes jayne: that was weird. i had like a really long blink or something. erica:i hear its going around. better get back to the interview. winks at the camera. jayne: in those blur months after the murder...times were not good for you. erica:laughs mirthlessly and sighs no. not at all. in fact..i couldn't take care of takara. i don't know if it was also guilt,possibly because technically takara was a half sibling,or out of cruel symbolism...nichole shade and sam fischer took care of takara while i could not. i may have performed shows during this time..i don't know. all i can say it ended up with me on the floor of a prague service station. i had a bit too much vicodin and vodka on purpose. everything was too much and i was done. but,depending on your opinion of me,the universe had other plans. or perhaps i was reincarnated to the same body? in any case,i did a voluntary stint in a hospital. during this time i refused all visitors except one. which is wild to think since i haven't spoken to honor wynter in fucking years. Jayne: a few days after you checked yourself out of the hospital,the house you shared with natalya burned down. eventually becoming this park. erica: there's a rumor i burned the house down myself out of guilt and to keep people from taking souvenirs. the house was built in like 1867 and had wiring from the 1940's or so. i'm just glad no one was in it when the fire happened. i couldn't bring myself to sell the property,so i asked some students at the osaka university of art design a park. i think they did an excellent job. jayne: with the gift of being in the future,we know you and takara were reunited. how is having erica hess as a mother? erica: you'd have to ask takara. chuckles i think she was 3 months old when i took over mom duties from nichole. i'll always hate nichole for many things,but i cant deny she really helped me out with takara. probably for all the wrong reasons,but...whatever. i may be somewhat of an icon in drug culture,but i knock all of that shit off when i am home with taki. i don't even so much as drink wine when i am not touring. i think i became pretty good at the mom thing. it took trial and error and MANY impromptu classes in newborn mothering from karoliena, but i got there. but if not,there were back up plans. i know both nichole and sam, and nina and castor were planning to take takara if i couldn't...or possibly as some people thought,wouldn't. jayne: ada told me something similar regarding herself and erich. erica: yea,i remember hearing that as well. ada had a few times in the same sort of hospital i was in. she had a self harm problem and erich...was erich. so when marlena was born ,i guess people were concerned. jokes flatly at least people seemed more confident in my abilities over either of theirs. Jayne: that is it for part 2. join us in part 3 where its "erica and erich reunited?! the wilderness years" erica: your father has the film talent,doesnt he?
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

4 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		Cerys Nyland on 14/08/2023(UTC), 2001clay on 14/08/2023(UTC), BrownSugar on 14/08/2023(UTC), C4AJoh on 14/08/2023(UTC)
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erich hess		#3 Posted : 19 August 2023 08:53:51(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,638 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21699 times Was thanked: 17932 time(s) in 10423 post(s)		Erica relaxing in Okinawa before continuing/ Jayne: a new widow and mother,Erica bravely carried on. for better or worse,Erica still had the constant of Nichole Shade in her life... for the moment. Erica: There was a short period of time after the hospital where Nichole and i made a go of things...it just wasn't to be...like,at all. to this day i don't know if perhaps i mourned...maybe still mourn too much. shrugs Whatever the case,Nicole seemed to expect me to just bounce right back and be the fun girlfriend i was before. yea, i cheated on my pregnant wife. we had problems.. but i didn't want her gone!...maybe I'm just paranoid,but i think Nichole enjoyed knowing Natalya was dead. it meant she had won. but i wasn't the prize she thought i was and...she left. i came home one day and...everything of hers was gone. looking back now? i feel nothing but relief that the relationship ended with no chance of reconciliation. at the time though? i was devastated. i had no idea where to go. the duke was god knows where. Erich and Ada had also split and he was drowning his sorrows in solitude since she also took their daughter.. Mariko was doing her own thing..so where could i turn? waits expectantly Jayne: i dunno. why are you asking me? Erica: looks disappointed you're like the worst improv partner ever. i turned to your hot goth mom and mine...Karoliena! Takara and i arrived on the doorstep of Castle Summers like two little drowned rats. huddled,shivering,not knowing if this was yet another door we'd be turned away from. perhaps,perhaps Karoliena would let us sleep in the stables...i was a little like Mary,mother of Jesus. Karoliena's muffled voice off screen: you arrived by private jet and then Cassie picked you up in a Mercedes some south american despot gave my father in the 80's. Erica:...we were still huddled. the A/C was very cold. we arrived in Belgium where Karoliena and her wife,Cassie,were waiting for us. the condition of how Taki and i arrived is still the subject of intense debate. glances off screen. They took us in for a few months while i got the hang of taking care of a being other than myself. I'm not stupid,it really isn't that hard. but with everything going on...it was nice to have support if i needed it. Castle Summers Jayne: could you tell us a bit about the mentioned,yet seldom seen Cassie Summers? Erica: giggles Where to start? The time she stole this other woman's band? I forget if it was Big Light Show ,Cosmic Beauty Contestor another band,but i KNOW it happened. I'm pretty sure she conceived her first child on Big Brother..possibly while under 18. I thiiiiinnnk she may have dated a member of the zone that isn't Blake. she was a writer for culture uncut,she worked for a label...oh some woman named Lauren threw a coffee mug at her head. there is so much more,but she was a hell raiser! not cute and fun like me,like...INTENSE. laughs Cassie was someone you didn't fuck around with. but here is something cute about her. now this is a true story: Cassie met Karoliena in a sex shop. Karoliena thought Cassie was cute and hit on her...CASSIE GOT SO NERVOUS SHE BACKED UP And KNOCKED OVER A DISPLAY OF DILDOS!!!!!! Erica cackles they have been utterly smitten with each other ever since. Jayne:What role does Cassie Summers play in the Hess Clan? Cassie is too cool for this film it would seem. Erica: Cassie became our manager...so,second hot goth mom. laughs warmly. so Karoliena shares something with Shania Twain and Celine Dion: sleeping with the manager. Giggles Cassie also is occasionally part of the 60s girl group project, The cass-ettes. It's actually not named for her. We just wanted a name that ended in "ettes". I was talking to Dustyn Blue one day and he mentioned collecting cassettes, so that was the actual inspiration for the name. Cassie also runs the fetish lifestyle company Summers Time Black And Blues with Karoliena. she also sometimes watches my daughter when i'm touring. their daughter,Eris is very close with taki. so....i think that cover it. Jayne: ah,thanks. So you and Takara spent a few months recovering at Castle Summers and soon it was back on the road. I know because I was the nanny you hired. Erica: you were the cheapest one I could find. Only the best for Taki! Giggles seriously though,you were the only one I could trust. All my other friends would be touring with me. After a few months and finding the perfect babysitter,it was back on the road! No rest for the wicked,right? And boy am I wicked. over the course of these months,i really became close with Karoliena. now i know what you are going to ask, how close? Jayne: no. the next question is about Branson,Missouri. Erica: shrugs and pouts. send all disappointed messages to @JayneSez. she just deprived you of a tale about super hot,girl on girl on girl bondage. with me as the damsel in distress who'd never done this before. puts her hands to her cheeks. Jayne:.......oh... any way, during this time,I wasn't the only one playing babysitter. Karoliena,being the Hess clan mom,had to keep track of both you and Erich. Erich's marriage to Ada Von Wannemaker also dissolved around this time. So now you and Erich were free to associate once more . Erica: somewhat. There was a major difference. Erich wasn't exactly a parent. Ada had left Erich and joined some cult. From what I gather it started off as some therapy group and before anyone knew it,she and their daughter were living in some compound in Vermont. Erich handled this by his typical antics,but now intensified. After failing to kill myself i promised I'd be there for Takara....that didn't mean I went straight edge! but night after night of being just absolutely ripped on cocaine were out. Laughs Branson...the place a Hess foot can never set. Jayne: Erica,you yourself are still banned from Branson Missouri. I've looked, the ban expires in 2086. Erica: shrugs fuck em if the can't take a joke. It seems singing "Marie Osmand and the Sybian from hell" gets people worked up there. Jayne: the article actually claims Erich and yourself stole cattle and were nearly hanged on an old cattle rustling law. Then you guys drove a rental car into the hotel pool. Erica: what? are supposed to go to Branson and not light a fire under those fuddy duddies' asses?! we also used salt to draw a very life like penis on the lawn of the silver dollar city amusement park. The report claims we tried to do the same to dolly parton's stampede. But that's false. We have respect for comrade dolly. We did go there while on acid and laughed until we passed out .but dolly knows what we're about so i think she'd be cool with that. This was pretty much the flavor of the next year or so. Just mayhem for mayhem's sake. I could go over it all but after the third "we never saw a Corolla catch fire like that before" and twentieth groupie orgy story,it just all runs together. So I'll just skip ahead. with Takara in tow now,i really couldn't live on the duke anymore. i had things like doctors being close by,schools and shit parents have to worry about. i bit the bullet and moved back to japan. i didn't want to but,i thought i owed Natalya to keep her wish of living in japan with our baby. plus, Jayne was moving to Scotland sat the time to- Jayne: cutting Erica off it doesn't matter what i was doing in Scotland. this isn't about me. Erica was losing her babysitter and needed more stability in her young daughter's life. Erica:oooh, she's blushing! Erica teases Japan also worked because i had someone Taki could be with while i worked. Mariko! my sister just loves taki and taki just loves her too. Mariko's touring schedule was always a lot lighter than the harlots',so Mariko took care of Taki while i was on the road. one night after a harlots' show in Osaka, i hit up my brother's old friend,Juro. He ran a club and i thought i could scam a few drinks off him. i was his friend's little sister,right? one drink turned to five,five turned to twenty, and twenty turned to blackness. Laughs i said i cut down,i wasn't aiming to be jesus or anything. the next thing i know i am in one of the duke's bathrooms being drenched in water. i distinctly remember knowing it was the duke because my face was on the tiny green tiles it has. there's blackness again before I'm in bed again. there was a few cycles of this until i woke up the next morning. one of the dancers from the club had taken care of me all night and made sure i didn't choke on my own vomit and die. in my still drunk state,it was shocking to see a tall blonde woman on the duke. i really thought it was the ghost of Natalya coming for vengeance. when my eyes finally focused,i saw it was one of the dancers from the club. and that is how i met Gretchen. Jayne: Erica,i really thought it was a cuter story than drunkenly picking up a woman at a bar. Erica: giggles oh it wasn't like that at all. Juro wasn't about to send a drunk me home with one of his male employees. Gretchen knew who i was and she volunteered. one of the few times being recognized as Erica Hess was a good thing! Jayne: sarcastically yes,because you usually just blend into a crowd. so what can you tell us about Gretchen? Gretchen Geist Allin on any given laundry day. Erica: Gretchen is currently 33 years old. she is originally from Salzburg,Austria. Her parents are Kris and Mary Allin. they're both...something with hippie crystals. they aren't weird about it,like thinking a rock cures cancer or anything. they just like crystals. Gretchen is an only child. she actually has no middle name. she started using "Geist" in her teen years because she was a fucking dork and liked M.D. Geist. its some anime or something even i don't know anything about and i'm pretty nerdy. so that should tell you what sort of person Gretchie was as a kid. when she finished school she moved to Japan to pursue a career in teaching German.ends up, She hated it from the moment she started! laughs but she still stuck with it for several years. it turns out taking your top off a few hours like 3 nights a week gives one FAR more free time. so that is exactly what she did and still does sometimes. I know you dirty dogs out there are subscribed to her on that site...you know the one. she obviously likes dorky shit and sort of looks like a real life anime character, so she's a fixture at cons...she also does the actual manufacturing for Summers Time Black and Blues. you can rest assured she hand forges every iron codpiece and carefully fills each dildo mold. She also works the merch booth at harlots shows. swing by and say hi sometime. Gretchen is THIS nerdy Jayne: so Gretchen takes care of you after you get embarrassingly drunk... Erica: i was going through some shit and definitely over imbibed. smirks Jayne: so jayne is living proof folks,you CAN marry your favorite celebrity. laughs Erica: i said she recognized me. i didn't say she was a fan! actually, Gretchen wasn't really a fan of the harlots. she much rather preferred metal music. she knew me from big brother. she actually voted for billy yo win...ugh. the nerve,right? giggles now a lot of people probably think that it was wine and roses from the moment we met. this is not the case. she and i would see each other more and more...getting closer and closer...but it was always on the Duke,never a my house.. Months and months pass and finally Gretchen confronts me and says she tired of being treated like a groupie. she was right,i sort of was. my personal life was still very much my own. it had to be. i didn't want a revolving door of people in Takara's life. also...lets talk about the elephant in the room. Gretchen resembles Natalya. i didn't know if i actually liked Gretchen or i i was doing something that some psychologist definitely has a name for. so after many long discussions...i introduced Takara to Gretchen. This wasn't near as dramatic as i make it sound,But it was one of the hardest things i have ever done. It felt like bigger betrayal of Natalya than anything i had ever done with Nichole. it took many years for me to "feel" like Takara's mother. i felt more like i was just someone taking care of Natalya's daughter.Who was i to bring someone into this child's life? but at the same time....i couldn't live the rest of my life alone. it had been years at this point,i had to move on. I lucked out and Gretchie was just wonderful with Taki. I'm not sure if the world is just a fucked up place or I actually have good karma. I don't want to toot our own horns,but she and I have been pretty good parents. Jayne: Everything was smooth sailing for Erica,her daughter,and now Gretchen. one day,however something happened that would cause Erica to leave japan once more.... Erica: by this time it's probably about 2015? It was sometime in the fall because the cass-ettes were gearing up for shows. It may shock people to know: but I'm big in Japan. I learned this when the stalker attacked me! I was just getting out of the shower when this lady just fucking trucks me. We go through the glass shower door,with my back cushioning our fall. There is now glass and blood everywhere. And as quickly as it happened,she ran out of the room and out the front door. The police come and do their thing. Acab,i know. Turns out she's been living in our attic! She had a pretty comfortable little Hamlet up there. There were mannequins dressed in our old clothes that we thought had been lost. She was just a very disturbed person. Seems she found help and is living a pretty good life now. I, however, walked away with all sorts of cuts and shit. I remember hating the cass-ettes shows that year. For the cass-ettes shows,we wear backless dresses...and I had so many little stitches on my back. I looked like I had been flogged and someone didn't respect the safe word. But still,the show must go on and it did. Anyway, after i get out of the hospital after the attack, Gretchen is like "we're leaving Japan. Now" and I didn't want to. I owed it to Natalya,right? This is one of the few huge fights gretchen and i have ever had.. it didn't help that Karoliena offered us a little castle of our own on her estate. Jayne: you... were miffed someone was giving you a Castle? Erica: The one thing I hate is looking weak. Here I was being chased out of Japan and then being offered charity?! And by Karoliena?! See,i felt Karoliena looked down on me during my messy period in life.i didn't want her help,or what i saw as her pity. Karoliena once again having to " deal with the little fuck up Erica.Again". There were some firm and strong words against your friend and humble narrator from Gretchen and Karoliena. Basically I was told, correctly,i was being irresponsible. I wasn't just some rando in the underground anymore. It was irresponsible to think Takara could have a "normal" life like I had. So to Belgium we went. Jayne: join us in part 4: the modern day Erica Hess. in one of life's strange twists,Erica is mainstream. How did a walking cautionary tale became safe enough to be given multiple hosting duties? Erica: a man who can eat his own weight in silly putty?! you'll see it! but first we'll talk about that time i got pregnant.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

5 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		Cerys Nyland on 19/08/2023(UTC), C4AJoh on 19/08/2023(UTC), 2001clay on 19/08/2023(UTC), BrownSugar on 21/08/2023(UTC), PANIC! on 27/08/2023(UTC)
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