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Offline erich hess  
#1 Posted : 21 March 2016 02:38:18(UTC)
erich hess
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when complete,all 48 records will fit inside this handsome case.


people said it couldnt be done. some said it shouldnt be done. but we at atomic war bride arent the type to listen to that nonsense. nope. we stick our fingers in those electrical sockets,we touch a hot stove. we have to find out for ourselves.so with that,i present to you,the inaugural pair of 7" records of: "the 48 verses of st elvis of tupelo". this amazing collection of music is only available through studio60's mail order division. after a stern talking to by our manager,it will no longer be limited to 6 copies.nor on the 66 rpm records requiring a special turntable. i guess losses in the millions of dollars arent a good thing. how the fuck should i know that?! im not a economist.i like getting laid,and i dont think ladies are lining up for mr greenspan....maybe they are. im not here to judge your fetishes. so all 48 songs will be on individual (and boring) 7" 45 rpm records. when you sign up for the st elvis collection,you will get a pair of records each month. maybe even a t shirt or pomade or some shit. i dont know. ill find some way to lose millions of dollars,dont you doubt that! future releases will have each record having its own art sleeve. these first two however,are just plain brown wrapped. you know,like how porn mags used to be. then the interent came and fucked that all up. i liked the brown wrappers. it felt like i was a reading a beer bought at a gas station. so. there you have it. this collection will only be printed once. if you dont sign up for this initial run,you will miss out. the tracks will not be sold separately.






1 . colonel Parker vs colonel Sanders

The battle ground of the South is active once more.
Fried Chicken and music notes will
Now replace the Gore.
From the great beyond they have risen.
These legends will once again
Walk among the living.

Colonel Sanders was a mountain of a man.
He bitch slapped all of Kentucky with but A single swipe of his mighty hand.
Armed with a deep fryer and a hatred of all poultry,he would stalk the countryside.
He had yet to meet the bird he couldn't fry.
Bald eagles,doves,California condors,even the Atlanta falcons.
Sure,the last were basketball players.
The colonel didn't give a shit.
Dunk them in the seven herbs and spices,
And into the pressure cooker they'll fit.

Colonel Parker was fucking Dutch.
The bastard probably didn't like Dr pepper or iced tea.
That is offset by what he brought you and me.( I know its "I",but fuck you)
Parker was the keeper of Elvis.
The holy king of kings.
No encores here.
Elvis will ALWAYS leave the building.
Colonel Parker was more than just the company he kept.
He was a salty bastard. He fucked many mothers while their children wept .
No man was more powerful in all of Tennessee. He was sultan and Sat upon millions. He WAS Tennessee. not that Tennessee Williams.

these two men met with a clap of thunder and cracks of lighting,they both knew it. they would end up fighting.
there is only room for one colonel,and this town aint big enough for the two of them.someones going to be shitted
out like a corn kernel.
parker struck first. he had a ham like fist. he also had no neck,it was looking like chicken man is going to get wrecked.
colonel sanders,ever the southern gentleman,ducked out of the way. deftly he threw handfulls of garlic,sage and bay.
parker groaned and made a face like he just had a skunky beer. to sanders suprise he came up with a knife and cut
off a piece of his ear.

the chicken colonel screamed in agony. that was his favorite ear.how would he know when his lover,aunt Jemima was near?!
this pudgy dutchman was asking for it,and kfc was having a two for one,everything must go,sale on ass whoopings.
original,or extra crispy.
sanders let loose with everything he had. with a mighty roar,he yelled "cock a doodle doo!" and fired off a hadouken.
the flaming ball of chicken batter aimed of parkers head. the end was nigh,and he'd soon be dead.
there was a splat and some burning. parker's last thoughts as he skull melted was, "if we put this on pay per view,how much would i be earning?"



erich sez:
this was a song about a battle for the ages. i didnt know colonel sanders personally,but i know he wouldnt like the bitch ass version of him on the commercials. the colonel was a rough and tumble man who swore like a sailor. i mean,cmon the man was the stalin of poultry. what chickens call hell,he called home. he wasnt having nightmares about nashville chicken tenders. colonel parker on the other hand...
this man was the definition of bitch ass. look at him. mother fucker looks like honey boo boo's mom in drag.i dont care if st elvis probably did like the man. to me colonel parker was the lou pearlman of his time.

Karoliena sez:
we've had this song kicking around for awhile. its lived in many incarnations. everything from a polka sound to death metal. eventually we went with our usual sound. while interesting as a lounge song,these two giants of southern usa culture needed some serious rockabilly. one day will will write a song where the lyrics flow with the music..but not today. it sounds more like a someone reading bad poetry over music. i mean....we're reviving the beat culture erich and i both love so much. before the hippies ruined it. yeah...thats what i mean...

sounds like:




2. 30 things you don't want up your ass.

On a day ,nice and green.
The doctor said to me:
Boy,some things just don't go in your ass.
I'm going to list them,
So that you don't forget them.....

First things first,no badgers go in the back.
Even if you could fit them in your crack.
Badgers be vicious,badgers be quick.
They'll tear through your anus and
Pop out your dick.


The same can be said for ducks.
They are no go,even with
Lube by the cup.
Their bills are broad,
And their feathers quite greasy.
Resisitng them in your ass,
It won't be easy.

Pancake batter.
Aunt jemima. Or store brand,
It doesn't matter.
It's hard to say no,
When you've got whisk in hand,
Ready to go.
When it dries,it will be like concrete.
It'll rip your ass all the way to your feet.

Combs are definitely out.
Pull in that bottom lip,
Don't you dare pout.
Combs are for the hair on your head,
not the hair in your seat.
Brushes have bristles
,while combs have teeth.
Keep both away from underneath.

As for a compass?
It's got the word "ass".
So it seems a natural fit.
I call chicanery,I'm onto Its shit.
Needles that point or poke,
Glass has been known to cut a bloke.
Magnets always point north,
A sad state of affairs,to come up from the south.

As an endangered species,
manatees should stay far away from your feces.
Their immense size is dwarfed
Only by their horrible breath.
A manatee in the ass,
It's just courting death.

Another classic on our forbidden list:
The the garden weasel.I can't believe I have to say this.
With long wooden handle,
And three rotating blades...
When It comes to anal play,
It's really tailor made.......................
But it voids the warranty.

Moving on,we come to The humble pug.
It's hard not to try them as a butt plug.
Get them excited and they bark and yip.
Their curly tails make a good grip.
You'll lose them forever if inside they slip.

You may have your hands full with paperwork.
You lust for a time saver,responsibility you never shirk.
In goes a highlighter,deftly freeing one hand.
A quick wiggle over important parts,ain't life grand?
Sadly for you,the ink soaks in.
Writhing and groaning,this is your end.

Knock knock,who is it?
It's us,the friendly Jehovah's witnesses!
It may seem polite To skip the trash.
By putting that watch tower right up your ass.
That isn't The way to become religious.
You can't accept the Lord through anal osmosis.

Furthermore we have the collectors edition DVD of pretty woman.
You were a cheap bastard,didn't spring for the blue ray.
Now you're stuck forever with lousy sound and poor
Picture quality.
plus...Julia Roberts movies...what the fuck?

You may always have been a fan of the Khmer rouge.
But I assure you,they weren't righteous dudes .
Pol pot belongs in the ground.
Not in the part where you make your Brown.
Trout that is. Texas tea.

Next we inspect the avocado.
Shaped like a pear,
into your ass it should go?
This isn't the case as we will soon know.
From that seed,a tree Will grow.
No guacamole.
It will split you in half,
Before your first bowl.


The collected works of jk Rowling.
This goes without saying.
So many volumes,so many pages.
You'll only reach the order of the Phoenix ,
Before your hair is graying.
There is a line involving "snape" and "gape"...
But I'm too classy for that tripe.

A 650 megabyte hardrive is useless anymore .
That doesn't mean you should store it like a whore.
Random access or write only memory?
Both are useless in your anal cavity....
And the corners are sharp.

Dr oz has a lousy show.
A stupid bastard whom Oprah blows.
For this reason,and this alone,
Keep him out of your ass.
Even if he sAys He is looking for broken bones.


A dictionary?! Don't be a size queen.
Oxford can tell you right away
What anything means.
Watching you try to turn the pages
Will soon bore us.
Please,oh please...don't try the thesaurus.


This day and age everyone is going green.
Microwaves aren't with It.
Know what I mean?
What ever you do,don't grab a fistful of popcorn.
It doesn't belong in the back pocket thAt you were born.
With.
On a hot day,the kernels May tickle your colon.
But the road to explosion
Is where you're going.

Mayan pyramids may be fun to climb.
But I'll tell were they don't go:
In your behind.
There was nothing On the doomsday calendar.their prophecy was wrong.
Cast your eyes from the stars,
Gaze at the ground......
I think Dr who covered this once.
I'm sure Amy fucking pond was involved.


Rolls of tape can be placed
There by an ape.
Mitt Romney runs staples,you know
He'd like the extra business.
In his stores,
You can buy a pack of six.
Fourteen dollars. U.S.

During This holiday when the wind is all chilly,
Pagans and atheists will get
A bit bill of rights-ie.
Better watch out.
Better not bout.
Better not stick a Nativity in your ass.
Mary,Joseph and Jesus May fit.
The three wise men won't
No matter how they are gripped.


Doritos already smell of ass.
But don't get any ideas.
Those fuckers are sharp as glass.
The spicy chili flavor will
Give you a mighty ring of fire.
Not even Cool ranch won't dispense the relief you desire.
Keep all corn chips far from your delicate back door.
You don't want the blood to pour.

Parakeets make lousy pets.
Souless black eyes and tweety songs are what you gets.
Cages are tacky and birdhouses
Can mean escapes.
Don't shove a Bird or two in your ass.
Even if they are still in eggs
The size of grApes.

The Brooklyn bridge makes for fine transportation.
You may be misled, thinking with enough effort you may get it all in.
Let's say you don't listen to me. You think you might.
Those obnoxious new York cAbbies
Would keep you awake all night .
.......some day a real rain is going to come.


You think The ghost of Bruce Lee would be a fine thing To have?
He could practice his kickboxing
On your nads.
During breakfast or at an important meeting.
It'll be your testicles he is beating.
If you desire peace and productivity,
Pass on the spectral enema.

Don't think you'll save on toilet paper by installing a fecal guillotine.
Chopping those logs into tiny pieces
Are not worth the diseases.
Or the additional tailor fees.
Where would the blade fall from,your knees?
Don't be absurd,
You're chopping a turd.
Can't tell gravity to Fuck off for that.



Uranus sounds like a natural pick.
It looms out there in space.
It's where Neil degrasse Tyson gets his kicks.
Uranus has got a spot like Jupiter,
And it's laying in it's side.
Its a fucking planet. You'll never
Get It inside.

Global warming is no myth.
The destruction of polar bear
Habitats can be traced to this.
Those gangly oafs are looking for homes.
But don't you dare let them into your holes.
Once they take up residence,
Polar bears will shit and piss.
Bastards have no decency and will expect you to foot the Bill.

McDonald's is a fine place to eat.
Like I give a shit where they get their meat?
But let's think a moment On poor grimace.
A purple Fucking nightmare,straight from lovecraft.
Don't put him in your ass,
Or else the elder gods he will invoke.
Tiamat will not help you,
And marduk will think it's a joke.
Fuck grimace,that evil purple dildo.

Finally we reach the end of the list.
I see you nodding off. You're ignoring this!
Keep Charles Manson in your prayers,but out of your person!
Charlie rants and he raves.
He's got a swastika on his forehead and will send us all to early graves.
You put Charlie in your ass and axl rose will come a calling.
Full of Crap music and totally botoxing.
After awhile,axl will puss out and donate to the victims' families.

Now as doctor ,I promise
what I say is true.
The only thing allowed in your ass is......me.


erich sez:
we live in a world where people need to be told not to try something at home. i think that means
this song will one day save someone's life. if just one person thinks twice about sticking the brooklyn bridge up their ass,i'll have done my job.
there really isnt much to say other than that. im looking out for you guys. stay safe out there.

Karoliena sez:
sounds like a the sort of song a drunk sings to entertain themselves. which is exactly what is was. erich and i played the same few riffs over and over,and thus a song was born. this could be where we hit rock bottom...but i think we can fall much further.

sounds like:
ooc:it would be a lie to say there is a lot of mojo nixon in the erich hess character.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
thanks 11 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.
JohnnyBBB on 21/03/2016(UTC), Clampdown on 21/03/2016(UTC), Atonic Records on 21/03/2016(UTC), kandii on 21/03/2016(UTC), Welat65 on 21/03/2016(UTC), Famouss7x7 on 21/03/2016(UTC), RoseJapanFan on 21/03/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 21/03/2016(UTC), Lastrevio on 22/03/2016(UTC), BrownSugar on 23/03/2016(UTC), squaregatescrub on 12/08/2017(UTC)
Offline RoseJapanFan  
#2 Posted : 21 March 2016 11:43:50(UTC)
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Hayden: I can't believe I just downloaded a song about a battle between Elvis' manager and the creator of KFC and a list of things to not put in your ass. First of all, I'm not sure if the Colonel and Jemima were an item. I mean have you heard of a little thing called "Segregation?" No way those two were ever together. Maybe a secret affair. Possibly, that's where Sara Lee came from I always fond her bread to be a little light if you know what I mean. Secondly, since when was Ryu teaching the fucking hadouken? I mean why does he of all people deserve to learn it? Bullshit. I'm eating a Popeyes now.

And don't even get me started on the things not to put in your ass. Maybe you should've sent this to a young Richard Gere.

OOC: This is all really great, it made me laugh so much lol. Only you would be able to write songs like this and that's what makes you super unique to this forum :) Great job and I can't wait for another 10 years to pass until we get another gem like this again :P
isabel. jennifer armstrong. kato. nova. pixie. kimi. casey johnson. eilidh.
hannah beth.anaísz. asya. hayden. dylan shaw. bianca hughes. lacy ward.
nothing but trouble.

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erich hess on 21/03/2016(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#3 Posted : 21 March 2016 12:30:02(UTC)
erich hess
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ooc:thank you,miss japan.itll be ten years before i finish this. the only reason i posted this was in case i never finish all 48 songs.


erich:you bring up many,many good points. but,i am correct.sanders and Jemima were actually the first televised interracial kiss but nobody remembers. captain kirk and lt uhura got the honors because they were far more sexy than colonel sanders and aunt Jemima . im not saying aunt jemima is responible for the colonel's great biscuits.....but...im not not saying it. im not having anything from sara lee. other than the poundcake. the rest of her offerings can go soak their nose. oh,and ryu didnt teach the hadouken....its was ken. you know that bro doesnt respect the martial arts at all. i fully agree on going out for popeyes. but i couldnt put him in the song. nobody can beat up popeye.


poor richard gere. i think he suffered enough through all the juliya roberts movie.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
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RoseJapanFan on 21/03/2016(UTC)
Offline Lastrevio  
#4 Posted : 22 March 2016 22:54:15(UTC)
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OOC: I don't believe you actually did this, if so then GOOD JOB
Bands:

Evil Lake: Alternative Metal, Nu Metal, Metalcore, Rapcore, think about some weird combination between Nu Metal and Metalcore:

Influences: Slipknot, Goodbye To Gravity, Linkin Park, Korn, Bullet For My Valentine, Hollywood Undead, Deuce.

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erich hess on 22/03/2016(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#5 Posted : 22 March 2016 22:57:00(UTC)
erich hess
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Ooc: thanks.it was a rare exams of my actually following through with some thing.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
Offline BrownSugar  
#6 Posted : 22 March 2016 23:31:09(UTC)
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Billy: This isn't really the type of music that I listen to but I heard so much about it, especially from Dustyn, so I decided to mug someone and grab myself a copy of this seemingly elusive record. I have to say that I really enjoyed it. The second song is my favourite one for many, many reason. Although I have inserted a handful of those items in myself beforehand...
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erich hess on 23/03/2016(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#7 Posted : 23 March 2016 00:26:29(UTC)
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Erich: what? I thought everyone liked pyschobilly? Hmm. Learn something new each day. I really wrote the second song for mere mortals.not the Billy kahns of The world. We are the music makers,and we are the dreamers of dreams.
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kandii on 12/08/2017(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#8 Posted : 11 August 2017 22:43:01(UTC)
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I didn't call orkin

L Ron Hubbard is in my cupboard
That mother fucker is all up in there eating up my beans.
That man,he don't understand
That I got,I got needs!

He ate the pork n beans.
He ate the bushes baked.
He ate the cannelloni, pinto and green!
Aw shucks.
Aw gee.
I'm unwittingly feeding
Scientology.

L Ron Hubbard is in my cupboard.
That mother fucker is all up in there
Eating up my rice.
That man,he don't understand
That starch is,starch is nice!

He didn't eat the store brand.
He ate the Uncle Ben's
He ate the Mahatma.
Aw shucks.
Aw gee.
I'm unwittingly feeding
Scientology.

L Ron Hubbard is in my cupboard
That mother fucker is all up in there.
He's all full now.
Fat,bloated and farting.
I poke him with a shrimp fork
And he goes....
Pow!

Out comes my beans.
Out comes my rice.
It's too digested to meet my needs.
It's too digested to be nice..
I can't help but wonder if
Mr Hubbard was diabetic.
I shrug my shoulders and take a bite of
Dianetics.



Erich sez: this latest installment of "St Elvis of tupelo" comes emblazoned on high quality, suitable for framing, vinyl. Seeing as it's only one song...use the other side for whatever you want. Beetle sumo ring, draw a picture on it and impress mom, put a pea in the spindle hole and say it's a model of Saturn. That b side is yours to do with as you please. It's our gift to you. ...and totally not because we only recorded one song.

Getting down to brass tacks,the inspiration behind this was..what do you fucking think?! The Scientology guy found his way on to the Duke and has been eating me out of house and home!

karoliena sez: now let us be clear,eating out is NOT frowned upon aboard the Duke. In fact,it's encouraged. But we draw the line at it affecting the food stores.

Music wise,we kept things pretty peppy. It would be a piss poor psychobilly song if we didn't.
This particular song has a swampy,southern feel to it. After all,seeing l Ron Hubbard in your cupboard could certainly be described as,how you say? "Sounding like a freight train"?


Sounds like:
Ooc: can't get it to work on my phone. If interested, it's: "redneck rampage" by mojo Nixon.



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Offline squaregatescrub  
#9 Posted : 12 August 2017 12:54:55(UTC)
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Bao: Should be released on 666rpm vinyls!

Lili: OMG

Keiko: Oh so hardcore. Love it.
(click on the banner for more info)

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erich hess on 12/08/2017(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#10 Posted : 12 August 2017 14:06:59(UTC)
erich hess
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Erich: you get it. How awesome would it be to release 48 songs that can never sound right until you modify a turnable?

Karoliena: we are just too damned Arty for our own good. Speaking of,I heard the klf is gearing up to do something.
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Jimmy firecracker sez: Jimmy firecrackcorn and he don't give a fuck..
Offline kandii  
#11 Posted : 12 August 2017 14:35:29(UTC)
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Rum:
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Winnie: Wait. So did you take a bite out of the Scientology guy?

Rum: Oh that's what's happening? Oh okay, Erich. Yess! Giving me Hannibal teas!

Winnie: Its that or...

Rum: Or what?

Winnie: Well he poked Ronnie and he...released the beans and name brand rice...

Rum: And? So?

Winnie: So...

Rum: So??

Winnie: He ate Scientology flavored shit, Rum.

Rum: I... *takes a deep breath* I'm gonna pretend like I didn't hear that shit. Where are the 45 other songs?

Edited by user 12 August 2017 14:58:51(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

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¤9LIVES¤Aikya Balan¤Allison Cooper¤Anniken Dahl-Smith¤Bonnie Summers¤Dakota¤
¤Dae Ho Park¤Drew Westbrook¤Flame 1&2¤Giovanni Gigante¤Jake Baskett¤Jayne Moore¤Lotus¤
¤LUXX¤Mi•Mi¤Romeo Lefevre¤Rum & Coke¤Stephanie Fierce¤WINNIE¤Yasmine Kiambang¤Zayne¤
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erich hess on 12/08/2017(UTC)
Offline erich hess  
#12 Posted : 13 August 2017 08:02:38(UTC)
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erich: well...i didnt really think of what would have came out of mr hubbard. im thinking its more a pre turd sludge,rather than poo itself. and i cant answer where the other songs are without being rude. you'll just have to be patient. its the journey,not the destination and all that.

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kandii on 13/08/2017(UTC)
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