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Dear Ms Woods
By the time you are reading my letter, your "beloved", Katie Coyle has been missing for almost three whole days, and you must be worried by now. Who am I kidding? You were worried in the first ten minutes, when her phone battery died...weren't you...that's right, I follow you on Twitter. But there are many of us, just try and guess who I am.
Speaking of Twitter, if it has all gone according to plan, and it will have, you and I will have spoken on Twitter by now, quite extensively, and in order for me to dispatch this letter via the "unnoficial postman", I must have been satisfied that you were suitably distressed, and ready to prove your love...
You must be wondering just what it is I am after...I'll disclose that in a few minutes. First, let me tell you how we got ourselves into this...predicament. I want you to know, that to hold Kitty-Kat hostage was never a pre-planned notion. I did not go out on Thursday evening with the intention of picking up a pop star and holding her to ransom. No...I'd have to be some sort of animal to have done that...and I'm not an animal, am I Ms Woods? No, I was merely walking my dog on Thursday evening, at around 7.30PM, in the forest near my home...I saw a girl walking there and I could see that she was somewhat distressed. Upon asking what was wrong, I immediately recognised her as the beautiful (I'm sure you agree) Katie Coyle....or my Kitty-Kat as I now know her....please don't you ever call her that!
Anyway, when she told me she was lost, I told her that I would give her a ride home....but first I thought I might ask her to my home...it wasn't far after all, for a wine. She refused to go, saying that she oughtta be getting back to you. For some reason, I felt enraged...I locked the car doors, and I drove to my home. I parked in the garage, and I duct taped her mouth, and locked her in the car. Of course, I couldn't risk moving her into the house then...someone might see. So I went upstairs, taking her phone, and tweeted you the most pathetic of "lost" tweets....now the battery really did die, and of course I could not log in to her Twitter to continue this facade...so that was why it all went silent.
Later that night, I brought Kitty-Kat upstairs and I tied her to a chair in my kitchen with tight ropes....she has been there since...I hope she's comfortable...
Oh, it has come to my attention that there are people in the world who pretend to be criminals to merely garner attention. To alleviate this notion, I thought of something. I asked Kitty-Kat what her happiest moment in life was (something only you and she might know) and she said, "When Nicole reached over at the Dirty Bastard and pulled my hood down, it was the moment all of the garbage in my life faded away, and everything brightened up!" This made me laugh! It's quite ironic given the predicament she finds herself in now! hahahaha! However, hopefully that will prove to you that I am not lying.
I should say that I have been very confident in my own deception in the last few days. A lot of people have been searching...including you, and no one has even been close to finding her. In fact, that fool Comatose was the only one who came close to here....wandering around here last night shouting "KATIE KATIE KATIE!!" I know that was just dimwitted (almost) luck however!
Next, we move onto the main show....just what could I want? Well, I'll tell you, plain and simple...I want ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
Haha, I'm just messing around of course. Kitty-Kat and I watched Austin Powers earlier today....she didn't laugh much though, which is a shame. Doesn't she cry a lot? I never even hurt her once, but she's always crying! Wimp!
OK, onto the real stuff. As you'll guess, my initial motivation was money....Katie was to be used as a tool for me to get my hands on some lovely Suburban Sunrise green. You, my friend were going to empty your account and give all your money to me. But now? No!
You see, Kitty-Kat and I had some deep meaningful conversations this week....even though she was uncompliant for long periods of time....and I started to feel sorry for her. Because. Of. You.
She might love you deeply, and I'm pretty sure she does....but Katie has a bad bad bad broken arm Ms Woods...it's very sore. I know this because when I twisted it, she yelped and shrieked...I laughed. I asked her who did it. And you know what? She wouldn't tell. Now I know who did it, I always knew who did it. But she loves you that much that she wouldn't tell!
That reeks to me, of spousal assault syndrome, and that is one thing I cannot abide. Katie is clearly in love with you, but she is equally scared, and filled with the pain of what you did to her....I'm telling her what I'm about to write to you...you know what she's saying? Guess! She's saying "NO NO NO NO DONT MAKE HER DO IT! PLEASE NO!" It is just so very funny, and pathetic. She still sticks up for you.
Well here it is....my friend. If you want to see Katie again, you will need to do one thing. You will need to prove your love for her. Prove how far you can go for her. Prove that youwant her to know just how much she means to you, Ms Woods.
Smash your arm.
You read correctly. I want to know that you have felt the pain that you made poor Kitty-Kat go through, and I want you to appreciate her, and all that she has done and forgiven for you!
I want you to find a work bench, and a massive hammer. Place your arm between the slats of the bench, and thump it so hard that you snap your own bone hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
You think I'm joking around? I'm not! Here it is, in plain English; Break your arm, and you can have Kitty-Kat back....don't break your arm, and you can have Kitty-Kat's broken arm back instead.
You have a short time...I'm not going to specify anything...but the choice is yours...it's really that easy!
Yours,
STARLOVER193 |
