7. Invanity (feat Eric Quillington) (6:11)



Katie’s Comments

Getting on towards the tale end of the album now, and the real sort of dark, negative, depressive side of Katie is starting to show more and more. This song is, of course, about the break up between me, Katie, and Miss Vanity. I called it Invanity, because it epitomises the sort of downward spiral she sent me into when she unceremoniously dumped me like a bag of rubbish. I went from being a happy go lucky girl who was in what she thought was a brilliant, happy, loving relationship with a wonderful woman....to a depressed girl living on the (wrong) edge of sanity, feeling like I had been hung out to dry by a superstar who just didn't care that she had hurt me, or that it was destroying me mentally.

I really don't have to point out the track by track story anymore I don't think, but chronologically, this was the next stage in the tale, and it gets close to where I feel the story should end. I am not proud of this song at all, and at first I was not going to use it in the album. But for the story aspect, and for the album to feel real, true and honest, it really does help give it an edge emotionally.

I was in a very bad place when I wrote this. I think I saw the paper through red eyes and soaked cheeks, because I cried for weeks after it. This was a really terrible part of my life, and I hope that people can hear that when they hear the tune. I know that the music behind my words ( thank you again Eric) really helps me to regain that emotion, and so I hope that it brings a degree of empathy through to you guys as well.

You'll also notice it gets more angry throughout as the song progresses. I suppose that's because of the stages of hurt, sadness, loneliness, and finally anger, that I went through at the time. Again, this is raw, pure organic emotion from me in this track. I apologise to Miss Vanity for it, and I thank Nicole dearly for not having a problem with it being released.

Track description

The song starts with a very repetitive guitar chord, played frantically, quickly, and over and over in quick successsion. This lasts for around 20 seconds before the same chord is played once, very slowly strummed. Katie's quiet voice whispers "shhhhhh".

Then another acoustic guitar part comes in, playing a finger picking riff which is fast, and then followed by the same single, slow chord, and Katie's soft voice whispers, "shhhhhh".

A drummer plays 1,2,3,4 notes on the rim of the snare, the skin and strings rattling lightly as he does, and the proper riff kicks in alongside one quietish tssshhhh on the crash cymbal. The chords are played quite quickly, alongside a very fast picking section, which stops as the vocals come in

Verse (1) is sung with only the chords for accompaniment. The lyrics are sung very fast, with a very much different tone to Katie's voice. The tone is lower, the emotion is more angry, and sad at the same time, and she peaks in the middle of each line. This plays down the last word of each line, giving a feeling of giving up, regret and hopelessness.

Verse (2) follows straight on from (1) without even the hint of a break. The only difference is the volume in her voice, which is still depressed, but louder and more commanding. The second line is sung in a much more upbeat tone for some reason. This only serves to highlight the depressed tone of line 3 and 4 however. At the last line of (2) the guitar stops the start of the last word.

All is silent for a few seconds, before the chorus (.c) comes in. The guitar plays a chord on the first word, and each of the "aye"s and remains silent for the rest of that line. On the even numbered lines it plays a finger picking section, to accompany the much faster and more frantic lines of the chorus (lines 1 and 3 and 9 and 11 are sung slow, and she hangs on to each word.)
Line 5 onwards is sung with the accompaniment of a continually strumming guitar again, as it is faster, and sung as one continuous piece, seemingly ignorant of the line breaks. The second section (from line 9) of the chorus (.c) is the same again repeated.

Katie "shhhhhhh" again straight after the chorus, and we hear her breathing quite quickly. The guitar then comes back in, strumming only chords along to verse (3). Theseverses (3) and (4) and are sung with alternating tones. She sings the first in a very downtrodden voice, displaying her pathetic depression, before the even numbered lines seem to give some semblance of hope, only to be dashed by the lyrics.

(.c) as above

The the unexpected happens. Katie counts out loud 1,2,3, and then the drummer plays a quick drum fill. The guitar kicks in with some ballad type loud chords, and Katie's voice sounds triumphant. Each line of the bridge (.b) is sung with a more positive tone. The lines are sung like that of an 80s power ballad, and are loud, brash, and even slightly cheesy. This makes a bizarre sounding comedown, when we return to the verse (5) after it.

Verse (5) is sung as vocal only, no guitar, before drums (played with a brush) come in for the second part.

Verse (6) and the guitar returns, along with the whistling of Eric Quillington, which brilliantly mimics the tone, sound and style of each and every word of the verse sung by Katie.

(.c) As above

Verse (7) and (8) are accompanied by both strumming and picking on guitars, and are a lot faster than all verses before them. Her voice sounds angry now as she has a proper dig at Vanity and really lays into her. There is venom when she wishes Vanity dead as well. We can almost sense how she spits out the words to that hateful line.

(.c) as above

(.c) A capella, just Katie, very quiet, very slow, and very sad

The song ends to the sound of Katie's sobbing.

Lyrics

(1)How did it come to this, we
We had it all in our hands and,
I watched as you drained away and
We simply failed to exist

(2)It was like a dream so ecstatic, where
you wake up just to find
That it was all in your head, and
It’s snatched away just as quick

(.c)And aye ee aye need
Someone to hold my hand, and
Aye ee aye need
A girl who’s more than a friend, and
This is not what we agreed to
I am not the enemy
But you act just like a princess
Denying all knowledge of me

And Aye ee aye would
I’d walk all night for you and
Aye ee aye would
I’d drive right round to you but
You don’t feel just what I’m feeling
And you don’t return my calls
All I wanted was some comfort
You were never here at all

(3)My personal Indian Summer
Brief burst of temperatures high
You didn’t take long to discover
I guess I wasn’t your type

(4)But in the end all I wanted, was
For you to be who I hold
Now there’s hope you get haunted
Just like when I was exposed

(.c)And aye ee aye need
Someone to hold my hand, and
Aye ee aye need
A girl who’s more than a friend, and
This is not what we agreed to
I am not the enemy
But you act just like a princess
Denying all knowledge of me

And Aye ee aye would
I’d walk all night for you and
Aye ee aye would
I’d drive right round to you but
You don’t feel just what I’m feeling
And you don’t return my calls
All I wanted was some comfort
You were never here at all

(.b)For now I lie alone in the cold of the night
It was the end of us but not the end of my life
Yes it hurt me bad when you spat in my face
I only hope you realise you’re a fucking disgrace

(.b)For now I lie alone in the cold of the night
It was the end of us but not the end of my life
Yes it hurt me bad when you spat in my face
I only hope you realise you’re a fucking disgrace

(5)When I reached out I was lonely
You scoffed and laughed at my pain
All that I wanted was only
You, but clearly that was in vain.

(6)The world just had to know that
Little Katie’s the case of a nut
But Vanity’s blushes are spared now
Priorities born of a slut

(.c)And aye ee aye need
Someone to hold my hand, and
Aye ee aye need
A girl who’s more than a friend, and
This is not what we agreed to
I am not the enemy
But you act just like a princess
Denying all knowledge of me

And Aye ee aye would
I’d walk all night for you and
Aye ee aye would
I’d drive right round to you but
You don’t feel just what I’m feeling
And you don’t return my calls
All I wanted was some comfort
You were never here at all

(7)I see you’re off round the world with
Big shoes and a fancy dress
The people think you’re a big shot
I’ve seen, I know you’re a mess

(8)You think that Katie’s extinguished
Another notch in your bed
One day when I am distinguished
That slut and career will be dead

(.c)And aye ee aye need
Someone to hold my hand, and
Aye ee aye need
A girl who’s more than a friend, and
This is not what we agreed to
I am not the enemy
But you act just like a princess
Denying all knowledge of me

And Aye ee aye would
I’d walk all night for you and
Aye ee aye would
I’d drive right round to you but
You don’t feel just what I’m feeling
And you don’t return my calls
All I wanted was some comfort
You were never here at all

Similar to

8. Shattered Dreams (feat Jack Straw) (3:13)



Katie's comments

This was another song that I was originally reluctant to include on the album. Number one, because it's about Nicole....and I love Nicole, and this song is all about the hurt and pain she caused me previously. It's not applicable any more. And number two, because it's a rap metal song. I am no rapper, or heavy metal girl, but at the time I wrote it, I was in a horrid mood, and it came out really jumpy and loud and heavy...so that's how it ended up I guess. It's different anyway, you can't say I'm boring.

Again, this one continues the story, and despite my misgivings, it's a good way to start to bring it to an end. The songs previous were sort of the middle if you will, whereas this starts the conclusion. If breaking up with Vanity was a terrible time in my life, I think this was the only thing that was worse. My dream had always been to make my own album. It would just be Katie and a hollow bodied acoustic guitar. I knew how it would sound, and I knew it would be wonderful, and perfect, and Katie. And then this happened. Nicole broke my arm to the extent I may never play guitar again. And at the time I was devastated. My perfect album was gone, just like that. And that's where the title came from.

My favourite lyric in the song is to do with birdies talking. It has a treble meaning, which I'll tell you about now. Number 1: The birdies, where this sorry fiasco all began. 2. the chirping press with their snapping beaks (cameras), and 3. Tweeting/twitter, where the fall out with Nicole, and subsequently the whole thing which this song is about, started.

Again, I had Jack with me on this song, and I'd like to thank him, he was wonderful.

Track description

This song begins with a loud bang on a drum, one bang only, and then followed by a fast guitar and keyboard riff. This plays for a while before Katie's vocals come in, with the music stopping just in time.

Verse (1) begins, and is sung very slowly, and each line feels almost cut into two as she takes a break, and we can actually hear her breathing, sighing loudly in between. The only instrument playing is a softly picking guitar (acoustic) in the background.

A high pitched keyboard comes in and plays an interlude between verse (1) and (2), as the guitar returns to strumming chords, but this time in a more reserved manner, much slower and without the volume from the beginning.

Verse (2) is sung to the accompaniment of the same guitar piece, but she sings this one a lot slower, and with a lower, deeper tone. The lines have the same breaks, and the same sighs, with the only real difference being at the end of the last line, where the music stops, and the guitar plays just one slow chord as she finishes singing the last word.

Then the quick intro returns, with keyboard and guitar, this time accompanied by drums, and the (.pc) pre chorus is sung in a surprisingly happy tone, which defies the theme of the song, and very very quickly, with the first line running straight into the second and the the third into the fourth without breaks.

The music stops and there is silence for 2 seconds, which feels like an age.

In the (c) chorus, there is a single, very loud guitar chord played on each of the first two words, before it picks a quick, complicated riff for the send half of the line, and strums for the second line which is sung without a breath being taken. The next three lines are sung with just the strumming of the guitar, and a little drum accompaniment. The last line is sung without music, very slowly, and in a very sad, alone sounding tone. There is then a brief silence.

It repeats the same method for the second half of the chorus (c).

Verse (3) is a lot faster than (1), it doesnt have the same breaks and sighs in it, and the guitar plays a much more upbeat style strumming riff.

Verse (4) is almost the same as three, but a drum fill just before it begins heralds the return of the drums, which play throughout the verse, accompanying the guitar riff.

Then the quick intro returns, with keyboard and guitar, this time accompanied by drums, and the (.pc) pre chorus is sung in a surprisingly happy tone, which defies the theme of the song, and very very quickly, with the first line running straight into the second and the the third into the fourth without breaks.

(.c) as above

Verse (5) is the same as verse (1) completely.


Verse (6) comes in after a very loud drum fill, and plays on the same way as (4)

Then the quick intro returns, with keyboard and guitar, this time accompanied by drums, and the (.pc) pre chorus is sung in a surprisingly happy tone, which defies the theme of the song, and very very quickly, with the first line running straight into the second and the the third into the fourth without breaks.

Silence for about 15 to 20 seconds, and then a massive drum fill, then the keyboard comes back in, and then the guitar once again, as they build up to a crescendo.

(.c) as above

Lyrics

(1)Oh, the pressure was on when I called for a friend
Where I needed to cry you had an empty to lend
From the start you were with me, and guided my hand
But what you've gone and done now, it was not part of the plan

(2)Now the birdies are talking, they snap beaks in the night
You say you wanted to help but you just added more fright
To the hell I was living.... in a media haze
I looked to you for advice and you just handed them praise

(.pc)And when the push came to the shove
It's fight or flight, (pick from above)
I stand my ground right through
I won't back down to yoooouuuuuuuuuu
I make mistakes, but I want you to show
The loyalty I showed you

(.c)Smash! Bang! Once you came in
Katie what you're doing's all such a sin
Knocked down! Don't get back up!
What I'm doing here, it's not a hiccup

Thump! Slap! Look at you bitch
Head is spinning I don't know
which way is which
My dreams are shattered by you
Yes my world was shattered by you

(3)You thought it was a joke when you ran your mouth
It's the funny kind of thing that I could live without
I'm losing my cool and I'm losing my mind
But all I really needed was for you to be kind.

(4)And now you tell me, you're coming round here
You're gonna beat up Katie, just cos she's queer
I'm just not as brave as you think
And now the bloody river, it flows in my sink

(.pc)And when the push came to the shove
It's fight or flight, (pick from above)
I stand my ground right through
I won't back down to yoooouuuuuuuuuu
I make mistakes, but I want you to show
The loyalty I showed you

(.c)Smash! Bang! Once you came in
Katie what you're doing's all such a sin
Knocked down! Don't get back up!
What I'm doing here, it's not a hiccup

Thump! Slap! Look at you bitch
Head is spinning I don't know
which way is which
My dreams are shattered by you
Yes my world was shattered by you

(5)You burst in then and hit me hard
I thought you had marked my card
Curling up tightly into a ball
I dunno what you intended at all

(6)It was then I felt my dream getting ripped
From my mind and my conscious mind as you slipped
And you hit me hard and shattered my arm
If you wanted to destroy, it worked like a chaaaarrrm

(.pc)And when the push came to the shove
It's fight or flight, (pick from above)
I stand my ground right through
I won't back down to yoooouuuuuuuuuu
I make mistakes, but I want you to show
The loyalty I showed you

(.c)Smash! Bang! Once you came in
Katie what you're doing's all such a sin
Knocked down! Don't get back up!
What I'm doing here, it's not a hiccup

Thump! Slap! Look at you bitch
Head is spinning I don't know
which way is which
My dreams are shattered by you
Yes my world was shattered by you

Similar to (but a loooot sadder)

9. Fade Away (feat Jenny Hudson) (3:47)



Katie's comments

Nearly at the end of the album now. This song is kind of the darkest moment of my life, but is actually one of my favourite songs on the album. It is one of the shorter ones, and it is also very musical, I mean it has long instrumental parts, as opposed to the hugely lyrical tracks that have come before it.

I felt totally alone after the arm break, and this bit started after I was back home in London. I had tried to start the recording process for this album, but it had just not worked, and every time I came to the studio, I just left feeling worse and worse in my own mind. This song documents the lowest of all those moments. The moment when I felt, honestly, that someone was telling me to go out and hurt people...to make them feel as bad as Katie felt, and I have to admit, I was very close to letting it out.

It's probably just as well that we have the internet, and that I was at home when the thoughts first arose to be honest. I lashed out on Twitter, everyone, yeah everyone sadly, saw the way I just launched myself at Miss Vanity, Nicole, Cassie, Mandy, anyone AND everyone who got in my way. I honestly think that if I had been face to any of them at any of those times, that I might have done them some harm, and that is really not what I wanted, ever. Believe me. Anyway, no worries, I feel better now.

Because of the voice in my head, I felt it was important to have another female voice rather than mine in the song, so that it was easy to distinguish between me, and the voice telling me to cause people pain. Jenny Hudson stepped up to the plate, and I have to thank her for playing what is quite a strange part in my Katie opera here haha. It wasn't at all hard for her to pull off though, she did a magnificent job with the haunting tones that the song needed at that point, and she gave a simply outstanding performance. She also played the guitar part in it, which was cool as well. This one doesn't have as much guitar as other tracks, but what it does have, Jenny was top class at executing. So thanks again to her for all she did for me here.

This song is also very exciting for me because it features some playing by me. Obviously I haven't picked up a guitar, because that's totally impossible, but I do play the main musical part of this song, which was played on grand piano. We got it to sound distant, and haunting, and I love how my music, my playing sounds. I'm just so happy that there is some of my musical skill in the album as well, you know? Anyway, I hope you like it!

Track description

The first music we hear is a very distant piano playing a fairly complex sounding, and very theatrical, yet still slow piece. As time passes, around 15 seconds, it is getting noticeably louder than it was, as it gradually fades in. After about 30 seconds, the music ends with a dainty flourish.

A drummer using a brush on a hihat then counts four beats, and the piano begins again, but with a more haunting melody, slower than before, and not with the same theatrical performance that the last piece contained. It is very repetitive, but changes every so often to play the same repetition, but on a different scale on the piano.

After three scale changes, Katie's voice comes in, sounding very sad and low, it is the lowest key we have heard Katie sing in yet, and it sounds so very sad. She sings verse (1) with only the piano in the background. Line one is sung very slowly, with an increasing key on every word, then line 2 is sung faster, and the tone decreases on every word. Line three is sung slower again, and with again, an increase in the tone along the way, before the last line is sung in a very low tone (for Katie), and quite quickly, before she holds the last note for a good few seconds.

(b1)comes in straight off the end of verse (1) as Katie makes the first key change on the piano, and sings the first line quicker than the verse, before a piano interlude takes over for a few bars, and then she returns again with a very very slow second line. The piano then becomes louder again as it returns to the original key for about 10 seconds, and then moves to the third key, the highest of the lot.

(c1) The chorus is sung in a very disjointed manner, signaling Katie's mental state in the song. The first half of line 1 is sung incredibly slow, before there is a noticeable break, and she sings the second half of the line and holds the last note for a long time, her voice wobbling a bit intentionally with the tears welling up.
The second line takes the same vocal pattern, but is sung in a much lower key, until the last word when it returns to the same as the last word in the previous line.

Verse (2) is sung in the same style as verse (1) exactly.

(b2) Is sung and played in the same style as (b1) exactly.

(c1) As above.

The piano then plays a different style for a little while, returning to the original intro piece, whilst the ghostly voice sings "ohhhhh, and woooooaaahhh" over the top for around 30 seconds, and Katie can be heard to be whistling the tune from the verses in the very, very distant background.

For verse (3) katie returns to playing the verse part of the piano piece, but this time Jenny Hudson is singing, and a constant, consistent drum beat plays, steadily and loudly in the background. This signals trouble, and change, as katie can hear a voice in her head, a voice that she doesn't even believe is coming from her. Jenny sings it in the same style as Katie sung previous verses though.

(b3)As above, but with Jenny singing, and the drum beat increases in volume.

(c2) As chorus (c1) but Katie whistles loudly in time to the melody of Jenny's vocals, which come through as haunting and distant, obviously playing heavily on the idea of it being in Katie's head. The whistling portrays Katie trying to ignore the voice in her head, and not listen to what it tells her to do.

Verse (4) is sung in the same style as verse (3) except the music mutes totally on the last line, before kicking straight back in for the chorus.

(c2) as above.

The piano then plays the different style again for a while, returning to the original intro piece, whilst the ghostly voice sings "ohhhhh, and woooooaaahhh" over the top for around 30 seconds, and Katie can be heard to be whistling the tune from the verses in the very, very distant background.

Verse (5) is very much slower than all that came before. Katie sings again. The lines are sung in a broken style, and very sadly. The music plays the same notes, on piano, but much slower and quieter, and the drums and whistling are gone again.

(c1) as above.

(c1) as above.

The piano intro returns once more and plays for a while alone, before slowly fading to silence, save for the sound of soft sobbing.

Lyrics
(Jenny Hudson in bold)

(1)Weight of a lonely world
Is baring down on me
My brain failed to take the mould
This pain won’t let me free

(b1)All these thoughts they swirl inside
No answers in here I can find

(c1)I played it out, this way
My sane mind slips away

(2)It’s my shame resting here, where
You people just don’t care
Confusion up in my head there
In a dark place this ain’t fai

(b2)My world back then was torn asunder
No resolution I’m full of wonder

(c1)I played it out, this way
My sane mind slips away

(n)Oooooooooooooh oooooooooohhhhhhhh
Oooooooooohhhhh oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh

(3)Scream and lash out
Oh Katie girl they need to see
How it hurts you now
Don’t be afraid to show it to me

(b3)You show them what it feels to know pain
Don’t worry if they say your insane

(c2)You’ll play it out, this way
Your sane mind is regained

(4)You want to hurt everyone
And that’s alright with me
We’ll justify what you’ve done
Their pain will set us free

(c2)You’ll play it out, this way
Your sane mind is regained

(n2)Oooooooooooooh oooooooooohhhhhhhh
Oooooooooohhhhh oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh
Wooooaaaaaaaaahhhh Woaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Wooooaaaaaaaahhhhh Wooooooaaaaahhhhh

(5)I slowly………. feel the weight
I’m spiralling…….. deep again
And you……….. can see my fate
But no one ………..knows my pain

I played it out, this way
My sane mind slips away

I played it out, this way
My sane mind slips away

Similar to (in the lyrical pattern and tone)