Cassie Bitch speaks, so listen!
Well well, hello "Culture Uncut". Cassie's back with a new column. Except this time I don't have some dictator telling me how many words I HAVE to write in any one week, telling me what I HAVE to write about, and when I HAVE to have written it by. Yes, I'm talking about you Chaos! Cunts.
As everyone knows, Cassie was sacked by Chaos Magazine for being too outspoken, and too rebellious, and basically too Cassie...well, was it any coincidence that two weeks after they sacked Cassie, the whole fucking business went under? I think not!! One issue! ONE! That's how many it took Weedington to completely kill off the magazine that I, Cassie, had been carrying for the past three months. Anyway, less of that BS. You wanna know what's new with Cassie, don'tcha? You don't even need to answer, I know you want to know.
Since the Chaos debacle, Cassie decided it was time to make a new mark on the world. So I got rid of that fuzzy lame assed wankbomb pubeheaded cockmuch Smith, and decided to sow Cassie's wild oats. It just so happened that on the first evening of that however, my oats were well and truly sown for me. You see, Cassie lovers, Joey Starzz of Faking Our Own Destiny, was deemed man enough, cool enough and interesting enough to FUCK Cassie. And he did. He didn't do the half job either. No no, you see, Mr Joseph totally went and knocked Cassie the fuck up! WTF? I hear you scream....but yes reader, 'tis true. Your goddess Cassie is in fact totally "in the pudding club". A little bitch will be swaggering outta here in about February or March.
Oh and if you're worried about what I did to Starzz as punishment for knocking Cassie up...there was none. He is a really nice guy....and he didn't run away. Sooooooooooo contrary to the standard ball chop and death that I had planned, Cassie now LIVES with him, in Hollywood. It's so fucking cool. And so is he. So yeah....Cassie is gonna have a family...wow!
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, enough about Cassie (I know, that's a totally oxymoronic thing to say, since one can NEVER have enough Cassie), it's time to lay into those so-called "stars". This week, my topic is people who just can't keep their fucking trap shut!
Candidate 1 : Renée Storme...wtf? Did anyone else think it was totally crazy to see this woman almost totally fuck up a relationship single handedly for her sondaughter with the use of Twitter. Hey, in my day we used text bitching, but this old gal is getting with the fucking times eh?
For those who don't know what she did, I'll tell ya. Mrs Storme "accidentally" let it slip via Twitter that her "daughter" Raven Storme, is actually a dude called Regan Storme. I say "is a dude".....but apparently, it's had the whole change. Legally, I dunno what that makes it, so I'm gonna stick with "it" just to be safe. Now, it's fiancée, Scott H, knew nothing of this...and so when he found out, he ran away, sniffed up his nostril 17 lines of some serious shit and almost died....all because of Mrs Storme!
I mean, why, when you can see that someone's content, would you open your mouth and risk fucking it up? Don't get me wrong, I laughed....like fuck as it happens, but still. Why did I laugh? Well I hate Scott H. When Cassie first came into the industry, he was totally dickish to me and.....whatever that band I was in were called, IDK. So, when he "died", I laughed. When he came back, I swore at my fucking TV. And when this happened to him, I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna give birth at two weeks! Bravo Mrs Storme...bravo. However, for your family's sake in future....maybe learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Huh?
Candidate 2: Old.Lady."Fierce". First up, is that name supposed to be ironic? Cuz it absolutely is, so kudos if it was meant. On the other hand, if she's serious..well bwahahahahahaha! Anyway, I digress here. As everyone knows, Tranity died or something a couple of weeks back yeah? Whatever, oh no, blub blub tears etc. Yeah yeah, respect and all that to Tranity.
BUT, whilst the Lord Tranity was still gleefully smouldering away like a spent scout camp, Old Lady Fierce couldn't wait to pounce on it. Tranity was still screaming in agony under a hail of fire extinguishers when the OAP herself appeared on my TV, apparently confirming the death of her "sister" (ummm.....how can that be her sister?). She just can't wait can she. Jonny Johnson almost leapt from the mortal coil and the Birdies Stage all in one fell swoop, and she was there. Now Tranity's lying on some runway simmering like almost done pasta, and she's all over it. Self promtion like this is lame old one! Is it cos you've done nothing of note in the last few years yourself? Just sod off and retire if you've got nothing to offer. Acting as the angel of death is doing bugger all for your image!
Maybe you should learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Anyway, I'm fed up talking to you people now. Cassie is waaaayyyy more important, and she has a lot she wants to be doing tonight, so thats all you're getting, and you'll like it as well, RIGHT? More people will be told to SHUT THE FUCK UP in the near future. But for now, have a terrible fucking night!
-Cass