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Cassie Bitch Speaks, So Listen #2
Well, wasn't that predictable? Cassie Bitch's first column for Culture Uncut was soooo popular, that you people have been calling up to ask when the next one would be out? Do you how cool that is? Not cool! At all! It's actually bloody pathetic. You're all so needy...it creeps me the hell out. You know I wouldn't be surprised if I peeked out my window one night and found hundreds of you standing on my back lawn strumming lutes (and probably yourselves) and trying to serenade me. Weirdos!
Anyway, you may be able to tell, but unlike last week, Cassie is NOT in a good mood this week! Last week, I had a laugh, I told you I was moving in with Joey and looking forward to starting my family. This week, I just fucking want rid of this fucking thing that is living inside me! I've only been knocked up for like what, 4 weeks, and already it's ruining my sodding life! I can't sleep, I keep being sick, I've got a constant heartburn, and my stomach cramps like mad! Now I'm no expert, so I made Joey read the books on it, and apparently this wasn't meant to happen for at least another month yet! WTF? I hate it....Just fuck off you little shit! Oh, and I also had a dream where the thing in here burst out of my stomach. It was gory as fuck, and Joey laughed in the dream. So I punched him in real life when I woke up. In the sack. Hard.
Anyway, on to this week's topic. I wanted to talk to you about; Tisha Jackson, Suzie, and people copying me.
I think I'll start with the last one of those. What the fuck is with it? Cassie got pregnant and suddenly everyone wants a piece of the action. Just like days after Cassie finds out, Kamikaze Kate decides she's pregnant as well. Which would have been fine to be honest with you all, but how the fuck is Cassie supposed to hump a pregnant lady? Didn't think of that one did ya Kate?
Then, Hannah Beth decides she is too. Now, I know she says she isn't but after a hasty engagement to ball-field, she protested far too much. Before anyone even said a thing she starts shouting "I'm not pregnant though!!". We didn't think you were...we did after that though. Now though, she has given us more proof than ever, by going into hospital with "stomach pains". Why? Food poisoning....hahahaha, give Cassie a fucking break Banana Death! I almost laughed my child out right there and then when I read that. You know you want to be just like Cassie, that's why you allowed Ball-field to hurl some shit in there right? Hey I wouldn't hold the truth for too long....look what happened to your little mate Kuntie Coyle. You really don't wanna end up like that do ya?
And finally, the pregnancy copy-cat number 3...Cherise. She's so fucking desperate to be like Cassie that she went and got knocked up 2 months BEFORE Cassie. How sad is that? She wanted to be like Cassie so much that she looked at the future and transported herself there. Mind you, she is into the future...she seems to live in a parallel world where she believes BattY's above the legal age of consent. Seriously aunt Cherise, leave the kid alone yeah?
Who's next? It's you Suzie! What is this? I mean...I am almost stuck for words. I hadn't even heard of it until I saw the chart this week. Right there, I saw a song, right under Fuzz and Skype (how the hell is that drivel still at number one?), a song that interested me. She's talking about bin Laden, that's controversial. So Cassie gave it a listen. I didn't buy it obviously. I just used my torrent client to procure it sáns-legal. And then Cassie listened. What the hell? I thought you had to be able to sing to get into the music industry? This thing sounds like a fucking elk having a stroke. And it got to number 2? What the hell happened to people? Have you all gone deaf? In fairness though, when your song plays, my stomach cramps stop. I presume this is because even the hell-child I'm carrying hates your music so much that it jams it's embryo fingers into it's ear holes to block it out, and it's too distracted to piss me off.
Then I heard that her father had paid for her record deal, with TEA Records, and I wasn't surprised. I'd have guessed that she sucked off a few execs, but after hearing how bad the voice was I'm guessing that a) none of them would have put their wangs anywhere near it's mouth, and b) if that's how bad the voice is, I'm guessing the breath's bad enough to disintegrate any member that dares venture near. Do us all a favour Boozie and fuck off! This might be going back to last week's column but learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Can't you turn your talent to something you can actually do like.....ummm....wow....I'm thinking....I'm guessing shopping? Or having your tits inflated? I dunno, whatever it is you can do....just don't sing.
Wait! Wow....someone just told me you are having singing lessons. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That's a bit like Super Nanny trying to get Helen Keller's kids to "listen to what your mom tells you!" Or trying to teach Cherise that it's wrong to be doing what she's doing to BattY....it just won't work! Please please please please stop. I'll even pay you. In fact I'll carry you back to Sweden myself if you wanted, as long as you promise to restrict your "career" to your own country.
And now, Tisha Jackson...haha. You moaned Tisha, and Cassie was listening! Remember, I'm watching you all, you're all on Casssie's radar. Now Tisha, you claim to have sold a billionbilliontrilliongilliondillion records right? Yet you moan because Junction wouldn't promote your CD better. You moan that it only sold 173,000 copies in it's first week. Where were your fans? I'm pretty sure if Dying Dross Fernandez was to release an album today (and this is not a compliment), that his legions of wet-at-the-crotch middle agers would swarm to buy it, regardless of how many times the record company put a TV ad out. The fact is this: If an album is good yeah, people will buy it. If it's shit, people will ignore it. Thusly, your album was SHIT...Cassie seal of non approval right there!
Besides, if you were so worried about promotion, why didn't you dip into your own fucking pockets. Your pillionfillionrillion selling albums must have made you some money already no? Or did you spend it all bribing Old Lady Fierce and Old Spice to work with you on that horrific single?
Oh and I was supposed to meet up with some rubbish pop star to like "make up" or something last night....screw you!
Anyway, I really don't want to give you all a Cassie overdose today right. I've got enough on my conscience without having to worry about your poor mothers dry-cleaning bill for all the sticky underwear. LOOK OUT! I'll be back next week!
-CassEdited by user 08 July 2011 02:57:11(UTC)
| Reason: Not specified |
