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Rachael gray
Erica Hess
Rachael: good morning and welcome to the show! Today we are going discuss how to put that spark back into your marriage using ordinairy table salt.
Audience: ooh.
Rachael: *laughs* OK,calm down.that's not till our final segment. First we have one of the chef/owner of "nommy nom nom", Erica Hess!
Erica walks out and takes a seat next to Rachael.
Erica: um,hi?
Rachael: hi Erica,are you still going to share that yummerffic recipe you promised us?
Erica:...uh,yeah...i guess.
The two walk over to the kitchen and put on aprons.Erica looks perplexed as she gingerly takes a chef knife from the drawer.
Rachael: remember folks,a sharp knife is a safe knife.be sure to pick up the Rachael gray signature sharpener from rachaelgray.com. only 299.99! Tell us what you're up to,Erica.
Erica:....OK...um,first you grab the largest knife you can,find.a two handed meat cleaver or sword would be best,but large chef knife will suffice.
Rachael: then what? This is great,isn't folks? A chef of Erica's caliber,right here with us!
Audience cheers madly.
Erica: yeah...i guess. Next you get a packet of ramen.any brand is fine,i prefer maruchaun.just dont use the kind with all the shit in it.
Rachael:Erica,you cant say that on the air!!!
Erica: why,are you sponsored by top ramen? Oodles of noodles? I said any kind is fine,i just prefer maruchaun.
Rachael: no,you cant say the s word on the air!
Erica: oh..right. OK,next take your large knife and beat the living sh..... stuff out of your ramen pack.oh,be sure to use the flat side.you dont want to cut the bag.next,empty the noodles into a bowl. Add Water and microwave for two and a half minutes.add the powdered seasoning,and you're done
Rachael: are you shitting me? You just made normal ramen on my show?
Erica: hey,you cant say the s word on TV!
Rachael: the hell i cant,what's going on here,do you think this is funny?
Erica: its all i know how to cook!
Audience boos and Erica promptly gives them the finger. The crowd of stay at home moms frown their dissapproval.
Rachael: how can you be voted one of the top chefs in the nation without being able to cook?!
Erica: my winning personality and charming smile? I'm no chef,I'm a musician.you musta got the wrong Erica Hess.surely you've heard of the harlots,right?
Rachael: * shakes her head*
Erica: really?? We're a quite famous punk rock band.
Rachael: no.i mainly listen to black metal.since you are here,and we got time to kill,might as well make use of these questions.....whats your favorite thing to eat?
Erica: honestly? Alfredo sauce.no noodles,just the sauce.its nasty,i know.i always feel like i need a shower after eating it.i cant help but feel i smell of garlic and cheese...heavily.and that isn't cute at all.
Rachael:who influenced you most as a chef?
Erica:my dad.he couldn't cook either.
Rachael:do you keep it organic?
Erica: I'd like to.i really would,the less frankenfood in me,the better.but 6 bucks for 3 ears of corn?! That's good drinking money.I'll buy a four pack of steelie and some blunt wraps instead.skewed priorities? Perhaps.but i dont care.
Rachael: what wine would we find on your table at home?
Erica: wine? *makes a face* the idea of drinking soured grapes doesn't sit well with me.plus its sorta tastes like ass.i prefer vodka.that way i bypass any offense with my wine not going with my meal.god,I'd just die if that ever happened.* rolls eyes.*
Rachael:.... OK.well I'm out of questions,and we have a lot of time to kill...what's your band's name again?
Eric: the harlots.
Rachael: are you any good?
Erica: we certainly like to think so.
Rachael: doesn't ring a bell. Have you guys released anything of note?
Erica: our last release," trickle down economics" and "lawn darts.death from above." Did pretty well.i hear that a made for TV movie is in the works.supposedly kellie martin plays me,while patty duke portrays Nina.somehow it ends up being Thelma and Louise for a new generation.
Rachael: for real? That sounds more than a little bizarre.
Erica: i dont know.seems pretty sensible to me.Kellie martin/patty duke buddy films are the zenith of the punk rock movement.
Rachael: .....OK. i have serious doubts about that,but whatever.
Erica: I'm sorry,how many punk rock masterpieces have you crafted? This isn't a sandwhich,bitch.you can't just pile a bunch of junk together,throw some seasoning at it,and hope for the best. You must love and caress it.and if that caress fest includes made for TV films,then so be it.
Rachael: i thought punk rock was a about anarchy and weird hair?
Erica: * waves hand dismissively* a common misconception to the outsiders at large.
Rachael: that's all we have time for today.up next,using ordinairy table salt to put the heat back into your relationship.
Erica: ooh,i wanna stay for that! Between my husband,my girlfriend,and hordes of nameless groupies,i need more spice in my life.
Rachael: all that and more...after the break.
Audience cheers
Erica: you know,rach.....I'm always recruiting for nameless groupies *looks Rachael up and down*
Rachael: go to break NOW!
