Randy riggles
Erich hess
*"wacky sax" plays and intro credits roll over clips of randy: fighting a ventriliquist dummy,getting pooped on by a bald eagle,cooking an omlette,and finally...arm wrestling a midget truck driver.
Randy: hi and welcome to late night riggles,the finest public access show on at the moment.tonight i have famed musician,erich hess!
* erich enters from the left and heartily hugs randy. randy's guests warmly applaud. The audience consists of people just as dapper as randy himself. The concentration of brylcreem and martinis is so thick,you'd need a belt sander to get throught it.*
Erich: hi randy. Hi folks....boy, i just flew in from.....meh,fuck it. It isnt that funny a joke anyway.
Randy: it is a classic though. A little bob hope-y though.
Erich: bob hope is an asshole.i met him once while visiting the chef boyardee memorial pasta press. Bob cut in line and had terrible gas. He cut one,and turned a little blonde kid into a ginger.
Randy: fascinating.
Erich: thanks, randy. In this age of iphones and reality tv,nobody wants to hear my showbiz stories. If you are good,i'll tell you about the time jim backus and i snorted coke out of tina louise's cleavage back in......hell,it musta been...shit,1964 or so.
Randy: 1964?
Erich:yeah.chocolate milk and all.
Randy: *eyes small dropper on his desk* well,i guess i can rest assured you gave me quality product...if i can change the subject...earilier ,a new atomic war bride album was promised,but not delivered. What gives?
Erich: jesus saves,but doesnt give. To me, that is like stealing from the till,and mooning your mother. It just isnt kosher,and i'll be damned if i will stand idle while this shit happens.
Randy: erich.focus...atomic war bride album,where is it?
Erich: starting a new tradition is never easy,casualties will be felt. But! Like the pilgrims of yore,this...THIS is manifest destiny. It is october,and being as such we must bend to it's johnnie cochran will,right? An e.p. like none the world has seen will rear it's head. It is inspired by outside of myself and of my time. "Live from pleasant valley" ,and it should be out soon.not at all like a pope's penis. *wiggles his finger while making slide whistle sounds* that...is a promise you can Cook muffins on.
Randy:" pleasant valley"? A reference to "two thousand maniacs" i take it?
Erich: as sure as dick dastardly's mustache is purple and pointy.
Randy: whew,that takes me back! A few of you may not know this,but i used to live next door to erich. As you can see,i'm a little older than mr hess,here. So he and erica used to skip school and come to my place,where i'd call the school posing as their father. That way the school wouldnt call their houses.It was a brilliant plan,if i say so myself. We used to get high and watch all sorts of z grade horror films.
Erich: good times randy.good times. It was in those confines i learned of pomade,lsd and love...all in the same day,if i recall. Bob ross appeared to erica and i at the most inopportune time. The man was a great painter,but not excatly the person you want to see
While losing your virginity. Bob brushed his fro against us,and told us " 8 eastern,7 central." And at the time this made no sense. But now? Now we take this as a sacred oath and refuse to purchase wainscotting because of it.
Randy: wow.somethings never change. Always such a hatred of wainscotting.
Erich:if you look inside a lemon drop dog,you could clearly glean the knowledge you seek. But to gaze at a cocker spaniel is akin to tilting at windmills.
Randy:...ok. i really cant say i follow you on that one,erich....but i could.* picks up dropper* can we hear one of your famous showbiz stories before we go?
Erich: sure.nobody ever wants to hear my stories..we got time?
Randy:*the dropper already on his tongue*thure.
Erich: ok. I was on the set of "lethal weapon" and danny glover and i were just fucking ripped on coke. Mel gibson was being a total dick,so danny grabs mel's dentures out of a glass,and drops his pants. Danny places mel's dentures around his wang and yells " hey mel,i got your teeth! When will the rest of you get here?" And the entire movie lot just cracked up. Mel was PISSED.i mean so pissed he was making up swear words and spitting on himself of all things. Later Johnny carson,dom delouise,and i doing jello shots and prank calling charlton heston.a lot. Dom keeps texting him pictures of his ass with the caption,"part this red sea,bitch!" Johnny and me would call and make monkey sounds and ask for "bright eyes". Johnny had a killer tree fort right by charlton's living room window,so we had a great view of mr heston.by the third hour,we all were laughing so hard,we nearly suffocated. Johnny's fort was really cool.he had a sega genesis with all the games and a keg of sharkleberry fin
Man,we had some great times in there. Once,i was between gigs and basically living in the thing. At the same time i was a regular at roddy mcdowell's famed parties.any ways,i met marilyn manning there and really hit it off. Nobody remembers her NOW, but she was quite a catch back then. At the end of the night,she wants to go back to my place,but i live in a fricken tree fort! And that is how tyra banks and i saved christmas..So yeah...hey... where is everybody?
*randy and his audience have long since left the set.erich is alone ,so he continues his show biz tales till day break.*
