Chapter Fifteen: Music is Life, But My Life Was Music

Me and Jack returned to the house to find that Stephanie and Helle were not there. It was then that I really took in the severity of my situation. I began calling her relatives and friends in a feeble attempt to find her and make amends. I finally found out that she was at a local hotel from one of our baby-sitters. I asked Jack if he was okay and left without hesitation.

I didn't really know what I was going to say but I had to talk this over. I found Stephanie in her room watching T.V. She looked at me and told me to sit down.

"John...this isn't working anymore. I've been very patient while you went out and did this dream album of yours...but I will not sit by and watch you put music ahead of our daughter."

"Stephanie...I never intended to do that. You and Helle are the most important thing in my life, you know that."

"Do I? Because for these past few months, you've been completely absent and I am not prepared to let my daughter have the same sort of shit fucking family that I had!"

"...Stephanie..."

"No, you have a choice and you'll just have to make it on your own. Helle and I will be waiting here for your phone call." She pointed to the door and I left. I drove back to the house to find Jack asleep in the living room. I was alone in my silence.

I remember the phone ringing. It was the tour manager wanting to know why I hadn't arrived in New York yet. Before I knew what I was doing I was on my way to the car with Jack who I had woken up. He argued a little but ultimately just followed me with his luggage. We left that night and showed up for our show about three hours before show time. I never talked to Stephanie about it. She found out what I had done when it was reported on the news that I had begun my new world tour.

That was technically not accurate, it was only a few dates around the United States. But it was the wrong decision and it went on to become the final nail in the coffin that was my marriage. Stephanie went home that night and got her things. When I called home they told me that she had already bought a new house on the other side of the state. Broken and confused, I continued my fluke of a tour with Jack who was having more frequent fainting spasms. I tried not to notice, but I had to confront him over it. I already felt bad enough for dragging him with me in such poor health.

"Jack...are you alright man?"

"Yep..." he spoke quickly as he brushed the blood from his mouth.

"Hey...hey..." I moved closer, "Should we go home?"

"Johnny, I told you before we left that we should have stayed home. You decided to continue this tour. Therefore, we will finish this tour." He walked away.

We finished the tour. By the end Jack was looking very frail and had lost a lot of weight. I had not talked to Stephanie since the night in the hotel and I was feeling lonely and stupid. I walked through the front door of my house and found myself in a very large, and very empty home. Jack was back at the hospital getting some tests done, by this time I suspected what was really going on but he still had not told me officially.

I think I must have slept for around two days before my maid woke me. Stephanie was at my door and she was demanding to speak with me. I arose and put on a shabby flannel shirt along with some ripped jeans. I must have looked ridiculous when I walked out of my bedroom door and found her staring at me. I already knew the conversation I was about to have...I had had it before.

Edited by user 09 November 2011 11:52:59(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

OOC: Sir? Thats a first for me. Lol, thanks.

Chapter Eighteen: Storm-crow

The label was happy with the product we had created, they launched a pretty heavy promotional effort anyway. I think a lot of that was due to Jack's failing health though. I stayed in the hospital with him for the week that he was in there. They told him that there really wasn't much they could do now, and that the next time he collapsed could be the last time. Of course they worded it in very sugar coated ways, but if there's one thing I'm good at anymore it's being able to tell when I'm being bull-shitted. Jack knew it too. We went home and he spent an entire day in his room alone. But when he emerged again he was dressed in an all white suit and he told me to get the studio ready.

"Jack...it's over man...you need to rest." I tried to tell him.

"No. I've got seven songs left from my time before I met you and then three more I've written recently. I want to go out knowing I finished my job. Now, go get it ready."

I couldn't argue, not when he was giving me that famous stare of his. So, I got the studio ready for him and he recorded his three new songs first. It took longer than usual since he was constantly battling his energy levels, but his performances were strong. Around two weeks after we left the hospital Jack had finished every song he had told me about.

"Well Jack, are you finished?" I asked smiling. He grimaced.

"No Johnny. I've got one last song to record, I wrote it yesterday."

"Alright, go on then."

"Johnny, I want us to sing it together."

"Okay...yea, let me get my guitar." I said. But he shook his head.

"I never told you this John, but I've had a storage unit downtown that I was living in before I met you...and I kept some stuff down there." I looked at him blankly.

"Okay...I'll get my guitar." I said with a chuckle. "It's no big deal if you had some stuff I didn't know about." He broke out in a genuine laugh.

"No, John. Damn it, let me go get it." He turned around and left the room still chuckling at me. When he returned he had a guitar that I recognized immediately.

It was Storm-crow. And for those young kids reading this that don't know, Storm-crow was the main guitar that Jack had used during his career. A 1937 Gibson Blues King, re-furbished in the 1960's to be all black. It was a one-of-a-kind, and I was astounded that he still had the thing in such good condition as it was.

"Damn Jack, why didn't you tell me you still have Storm-crow?" I asked as I looked at it like a little kid seeing a superhero.

"I was sort of saving it." He said.

"Yea, I'll go get my guitar Jack. Put some strings on that thing and lets get in the studio." He looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Johnny, do not go get your lousy guitar...I want us to record this song together, and I want you to use Storm-crow...because from now on, Storm-crow is your guitar."

In that moment, I cried. It sort of hit me that Jack was really dying all at once. I knew that he was sick, but when he gave me that guitar I knew that his time was drawing to an end. With Stephanie gone, Jack was my only real friend left in the world besides The Rockers guys. But even the guys were more distant than ever now, and Jack just felt like a steady stone pillar in my life. I took the guitar and tried to give the best performance of my life on that last song for Jack.

We had three days of solid health after that. Jack was doing well and was happy to have his last songs finished. But that fourth day was not near as happy. I knew it was coming, but I was less prepared for this than I thought possible. Jack walked into my living room where I was sitting on the couch and looked at me square in the eyes.

"Joh...Johnny." He spoke weakly and then coughed as he stumbled forward and fell.

Edited by user 17 November 2011 17:03:05(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

Chapter Twenty: Wrong is Never Right, and Drugs are Wrong



The next few days were hard, but they would be for anyone who loses a friend. I'll try not to pity myself as I have been known to do. For others have lost far more than I have. The pain of Jack's death hurt deep though, and not even music could pull me out. I holed myself up in my house and refused to speak with anyone. Joey and Robert all tried to get in to see me, and the rest of the guys all called. I wanted nothing to do with any of them. I honestly began to believe that if I cut myself off from everyone, it would be easier to live. After all, the less people you have deep connections too, the fewer people you can lose.

I want to make it very clear to everyone reading this, that under no circumstances should you allow yourself to go to the places I did. Even if you are alone in theory, you still have much to lose. Your sanity may be the first thing to go, as it was with me. On my fortieth birthday, I found myself alone in my room with a needle. I had not touched any sort of drugs for so many years that I couldn't really remember the number anymore. Yet there I was, holding it as if it was still 1987 and I was the king of the world. Forty years old, and still as stupid as ever I guess. I pressed it into my arm and felt the metal pierce through skin that was clean. I felt the filth of it surge into my veins and I knew then that what I was doing was wrong. But I wanted to be wrong...I had been doing right so long and trying to please everyone for so long...and failing at it...that perhaps being wrong could be right for me...

I stumbled off of my bed and went into the kitchen. In my haze of broken thoughts I seemed to have found the notion to make myself supper. I opened my cabinet and found a pot to cook a stew in, and as I pulled it from it's shelf I ignored the sound of the entire cabinets worth of pans and dishes falling to the floor. Some shattered. I merrily placed the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. I then walked to the fridge and grabbed the milk and the jelly, both of which I poured into the pot. The milk flew from its jug and the pot found itself overfilled. Milk poured onto the floor and I found myself slipping. I fell to the floor and hit my head on the stone tile that I had installed with Stephanie. Only then did the real visions begin.

I saw Stephanie, as she loomed over me like a giant goddess. Helle and me were pressing ourselves against a corner of wall as Stephanie grabbed her from my arms. I cried, and screamed...but I watched as Stephanie and Helle walked away from me smiling. Leaving me to die. The vision went black and then lit up again in a fiery haze. My home was burning. Somehow, I had managed to catch the place on fire in my fumbling idiocy. I stood and grabbed for the phone as the flames roared around me. I called Joey and yelled at him to come and help me and that the house was on fire. Then the smoke choked my breathing away from me and I fell down into blackness again.

I awoke several hours later on my couch. I sat up in a hurry and jerked my eyes towards the kitchen to find it perfectly intact and no signs of a fire having happened. I then became aware that Joey was on the chair sitting across from me. I threw my hands to my head and lowered myself back down to the cushion.

"What the hell are you doing John?" he asked in a low voice.

"Grieving..." I tried to act innocent as if I had simply fell asleep on the couch. "What are you doing here?"

"Well...I received a call from you informing me that the house was on fire and that you were dying and I thought that maybe I should come and see the spectacle." He was angry, I could hear it.

"Oh..."

"Why the fuck would you tell me such a thing as that on the phone John? Quite loudly I might add. It sounded as if you may have been dying indeed...any explanation?" I had no choice but to confess.


"I may have...done some stuff..."

"Really? Because when I busted through the window I found you laying on the kitchen floor mumbling about Stephanie and Helle...I didn't find any fire or a dying version of you...and you say you may have "done some stuff?""

"The rest of it's on my bed...could you just get rid of it please?" I asked as I sat up. My head hurt...severely, and so did my chest.

"You're damn lucky I don't kill you myself." Said Joey as he came back into the room. "You've been off this shit for years Johnny! Why I ask you...after all you've been through in those years, did this one event turn you back on it?"

"It wasn't just this one event Joey! You know how it is..."

"No, I'm not drinking again. But you are doing this again."

"No I'm not...it was one time and I won't be doing it again...I promise you it..." He cut me off.

"Don't you dare make promises to me you ass hole... I don't need to have weak promises be broken. Make them to yourself and see if you can't make them hold for your own sake."

With that he left me. He only paused once as he walked towards the door to look back at me. He shook his head and continued. I on the other hand went back to sleep. The worst sleep anyone could have, for I was anything but "at rest."

Edited by user 21 November 2011 06:20:53(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

OOC: Dude couldn't this get any more epic. Excellent job, for real man!

Chapter Twenty-Two: Round Up

I listened as the phone rang wondering if Joey would pick up. He had to know that I would be calling soon, and if he had caller I.D. then I was probably out of luck. But as always, he proved to me just how worthless I am, and how good he is. He picked up and greeted me happily...as if nothing had happened.

"Hey John, what's up?" he said. I felt terrible, but I continued with my plan.

"Hey Joey...I just wanted to call and discuss some things." I replied.

"Alright...what do you have on your mind?"

"Well to be honest Joey, it's about The Rockers." I waited for his reply anxiously.

"Yea? Let me give a wild guess..." He laughed, which put my mind at ease.

"Nothing big or permanent you understand, I just want to see if all of you want to go get those last shows done. Then I'm done though. No more." He was silent for a while.

"What do you mean done? No more?"

"With music, I'm retiring Joey."

"That's an awfully bid decision John...you sure you've given this some proper thought? I mean, you aren't letting that whole drug thing get you down too much are you?" He sounded honestly worried about me, but I was certain.

"Yes Joey. One last run, it's all I can give it. It's not giving me much anymore...It's time."

"Well, if you think that it's best..."

"I do. Would you call the guys for me?"

He called them and they all met me at my place the next day. As each of them walked in, they were shocked at the difference in my house. That made me feel good, and I went into the living room with a smile on my face.

"Well, what are you doing with all of us John?" Randy asked with a smirk.

"Well surely you must know." Joey replied with a laugh. I shook my head and grinned.

"Yes, it seems I can't let it go....I've been thinking about it and I think I want to do one last tour and finish my...well my career actually. We never got to finish the farewell tour, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth."

They all looked at me with grins that told me that I didn't even have to ask. I should have known the guys would all be game. They were always ready to get out on the road and play. It still amazes me how well they could handle their lives, and also handle the music. I could never figure out how they did it.

When they left, Joey stayed behind to talk with me. We sat opposite each other just as we had when I woke up from my escapade on the couch. This time, we were both smiling though.

"Well John, do you have a handle on yourself?" He asked.

"No I do not."

"Well maybe we should fix that before adding a tour to our schedule?" He smiled even bigger than he was before.

"No Joey. These last few weeks have taught me something very important about myself."

"Yea? What would that be?"

"I'll never have control of anything. Including myself...but that's just fine." He paused and stood up.

"Just fine." He said as he tipped his hat and left.

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Flame Still Burns

Watching the trees pass by through the window of a tour bus is a feeling that isn't matched by anything else. You can think in there, and though your actual vision is blurred as you're driving at high speeds...you can see. You can see your life and yourself better in those moments. With the guys telling stories again, I felt at home. I always knew that the flame was burning inside. All through my career, there was a part of me that was enjoying every second. Even when I was living on the streets and I was broke, when Robert Kain found me and took me back to my parents I could feel it. The flame that was always burning. I hadn't put it out, and as time passed, I found I couldn't put it out even when I wanted too.

I've called it a flame, but it's a bit of a beast within me as well. I've already described how it has torn me apart from the outside in, so I'll try not to repeat myself. But, it made me greedy as well. So that was something I had to deal with later on more than when I was young. Knowing that I had to make this our last tour, for my sake and my former families sake...it was hard to accept. But I swallowed hard, and reminded myself why I was ending it. That image of Helle and me in the park as I pushed her on the swings. That was a fire within itself, and there was no beast to be found in those flames.

Joey and I walked into the dressing room together and sat down on the two chairs that were arranged by a table there. I looked at him and smiled, he smiled back. It was then that I realized how old he looked. He was still obviously scarred from the car-wreck he had after a drinking binge, and though we all denied it...we were getting older. At the time I was nearing my forty-first birthday, and Joey his forty-fourth. It's a humbling thing when you realize that half of your life is through, and from here you are in the downward section. Joey had always been my friend, even more so after Robert left the band. His smile still looked alive though...I wondered...did mine?

The rest of the guys helped the crew set up the stage and such as I did my usual vocal exercises in the bathroom. My voice sounded the same as it always did to me. But what did it sound like to those people in the crowd? Common sense would tell me that my voice sounded different than it must have in the 1980's. But I'd never thought about it much before. I left the bathroom and roamed around some of the usual concrete halls until I finally found Joey again.

"Joey man...I'm worried about this show...I've never been worried about a gig like this before." He just looked at me and grinned.

"You always worry about the gig John."

"No but not...wait, I do?"

"Every time, just before we go out there. You ask me weather your voice still sounds alright after all of these years."

"I...oh."

I walked away and couldn't help laughing at myself. After some brief reminiscing I realized that I was just going through my usual over-thinking of things. I laughed as I recalled how often I had asked Joey about my voice. I turned to see him still smiling at me, he gave me a thumbs up and went on helping the crew as I returned to the bathroom.

I went out onto the stage to find large blue lights shining in my face as always. I drew the mic to my lips and greeted the audience. The roar penetrated my bones as it always had. The band kicked in with the opening sounds of the first song, and the crowd's cheers penetrated my soul.

"Uh-huh." I whispered to myself before beginning the first line of lyrics. "The flame still burns."

ooc: Man, this is brilliant. Just read it from start to finish.

OOC: Video had me teared up. Such an unique individual she was. She inspired so many of us here at TRSG.