captain's log...would i still be a captain when ashore? in any case we are happily motoring towards...ohio. west virgina was a hoot. i havent been in the state in....fifteen years? johnny and co have made us feel very welcome . that isnt to say we are sitting on our asses,sipping tea. the state's liscence plates say "wild and wonderful",and that has been the theme of the tour so far. the first couple shows are the sort where the very walls of the venue can barely contain the energy within.

why we have never toured with johnny and co is beyond me. it feels like we're the first people to mix rum and coke. as a psychobilly band,there are precious few bands we sound right playing with.i must admit i am slightly intimidated by mr mcdougal's playing. he certainly knows his way way around a fret board,whereas i am more "bang away and hope for the best". karoliena says this matches my lovemaking skills. she swears she is funny.

our setlist..that changes nightly.

no more hot dogs- hasil adkins cover
supercharged shed of baphomet.
snorting coke off a dead man's table.
fishnets and polka dots.
steelie and you.a cautionary tale.
rolling coffin.
come into my fallout shelter.
force fed beans till you explode with fart gas

this doesnt include the cover sets with johnny.those contain a little bit o everything.

captain's log : i cannot help but disagree with my tourmates pro ihop stance. ihop is a sure fire ticket to shitsville. if marketed as a laxitive,ihop could put exlax out of business. waffle house has it all. good food,cute waitresses,and kick ass paper hats. not to mention top notch people watching. its like the fucking serengeti in waffle house. bob evans...i cannot comment on,as i never been inside one. but i'll give bob the benefit of the doubt. guys named bob are always more likable than their non bob counterparts. erich hess,signing off......ps,to the owner of a now demised beagle,we are sooo sorry.

*karoliena takes over the dictaphone*
hi and welcome to karoliena's korner. i'll be keeping score of the war bride's achievments thus far.ok...

beers drank:78

groupies deflowered:4

road cones stolen:2 (they make funny prop bras)

rude things attached to the groins of defenseless statues:2

dogs accidently run down: 1.

bugs on our front bumper: 230.

truck stop porn purchased: 1 dvd. 3 magazines. 1 "other"(dont ask.)

blunts smoked: 10

cows milked:0 ....its harder than it looks.

innocent motorists who have been flashed by me: 23 (we passed a retirement home bus.)

times the phrase "if you dont stop,i am going to sodomize you with a rabid weasel" was uttered: 1.

tour car wet willy contests:1 (see above to see my response to being wet willied.)

karoliena:i find the girls look best in the wee hours.

erich:really any time is a good time.

karoliena:*looks down* yeah..they look pretty good now too.

erich: touring with johnny's grandpa has been great.he is one of those old cats who reeks of the sort of cool that is in short supply these days.

karoliena:i am not sure,but i think he pinched my butt earlier tonight.

erich:like i said,vintage cool.

Johnny: This is why we choose to sleep on the bus at times and avoid hotel rooms. You really can't piss anybody off. Well you can but it usually isn't a multitude of people. Also, nobody stays pissed at you forever on the tour bus. They remember you forever in a hotel.

Did I mention I loved Cleveland? It really does rock. I made sure I gave myself the time visit the rock hall while we were in town. Cleveland was an awesome place to play and I can say I enjoy sharing the stage with Erich as each day goes on. Though I can say with certainty that I miss those long tours when the days just melt into each other. Then you wake up wondering what day it is and where the hell you are on the interstate. Not to mention stopping at that one greasy spoon diner where you can get home cooked food and it all tastes great. I'm currently staring out the back window at Erich's Plymouth Fury waving at him and giving him the good natured finger. It's more of a hello than an obscene gesture to me. I still wonder how that damn thing hasn't broke down on us yet. It manages to keep up with us miraculously. I can remember when I used to ride behind the tour bus on a harley though. You see the country differently from the back of a motorcycle. I can't say I don't miss the van either, because I don't. I don't miss the smell either or the cramped spaces. Barely anybody could sleep. But honestly those are the days I look back with the most fondness.

Set Lists-

Southland:

Stab!
Mind Your Tongue
I'm A Long Gone Daddy
She Said (Hasil Adkins Cover W/Erich Hess)
Improv Jam/The Torgo Suite
Man of Constant Sorrow
Wagon Wheel
Roadhouse Blues
Ghost Riders In The Sky

Encore Set:

Elvis Is Everywhere (Mojo Nixon)
Hoy Hoy Hoy (Flat Duo Jets Cover W/ Erich Hess)
Tuesday's Gone (Skynyrd Cover)
Train (Blackfoot Cover)

TMK:

Radio (A3 Cover)
Under The Table
Cleveland Rocks (Cover)
Maria
The Water's Edge
Improv Jam
Podunk Stomp
Voodoo Chile/Guitar Battle (Hendrix Cover)
My Best Girl
I Don't Wanna Be The One

Encore Set:

Roadhouse Blues (Doors Cover)
Heart Attack and Vine (Tom Waits Cover)
National Anthem (Hendrix Version)

"trenchtown rock" is filling our rather dated plymouth with sounds,while acid fills our heads and laudanum coats our tongues like thick cow hide. rob is driving the car. karoliena and i are in place where car driving skills do not transmit back to the real world. rob must have the patience of a saint. new orleans or otherwise. i know miss verlinden and i are speaking of events he cannot see. most people would assume the we are raving mad,but rob knows different.

it is raining olive oil,windshield wipers are of no use at all. rob says we need new wiper blades.a charming theory,but even bosch ultra ganga ganga, panama creeper, triple teflon coated,now with zero trans fats,9000 mhz,animal cruelty free wiper blades, arent going to be of use against oily rain. so we are following the mcdougal clan's bus. clearly,they have superior anti-oil rain gear than we do. karoliena had an excellent idea that we should gather the heaven sent olive oil,and cook the best pan seared scallops the world has ever seen. these scallops would be like what would happen if wolfgang puck fucked jaime oliver. but will rob open the windows so that we may collect this fantastic olive oil? fuck no! he claims it is just normal rain...rob has overplayed his hand here. karoliena and i give sly winks to each other. we now know rob is a full fledged member of the crisco corporation...with benefits no doubt! a two story crisco tin shaped house. .with a company issued, shapely wife,made out of sentient crisco shortening. he probably had a fucking collie made from crisco too. i can think of no other reason why he refuses to open the windows to let the olive oil in.

we are approaching ohio's border....i hope to god the border agents dont search our trunk. we have enough narcotics and hallucinogens to supply an entire grateful dead tour circa 1966. the land here is unhealthy,its not flat like florida,its lumpy and near oceanlike in its rolling. waves of earth threaten to swallow us up as johnny's bus blasts through the border crossing. i like that man's style. he isnt going to stop so the punk ass ohio border guards can rummage through our stuff,stealing us blind no doubt! remind me to buy that man a beer. blowing through the bordt check relieves karoliena greatly. perverted border agents would treat her underpants and bras as rare treasure and use them as collateral in crooked poker games in back rooms across the nation.

rob says we are stopping for gas. karoliena and will be watching him closely. if he informs on us to the crisco corporation,we'll have to kill him. thats all there is to it..

An Eyewitness to the viral video that is now spreading like wildfire over youtube and tumblr has written his own account of the proceedings:

I was just minding my own business getting myself a slurpee to get my mind off the horrid weather before heading back to work. When this big ass tour bus pulled up and behind was pretty beat up Plymouth. I didn't recognize it at first but then I realized it was Atomic War Bride, Johnny McDougal, and his cohorts obviously stopping for gas and refreshment like any normal people would you know? But I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen next though I was glad I'd been there to document all this for future posterity and will carry it on to my children. Well I was just leaning up against the outside store window waiting for the rain to clear and sipping on my slurpee when I see the drummer come off the bus with some of those portable bucket drums. The small three drum kit with the kickdrum bass that's real compact and easy to carry. Anyway, he walks outside and sets up this thing under the awning to keep out of the rain. Then he goes inside with Erich and his smoking ass girlfriend who asks me how much I'd be willing to pay to part with that slurpee. She shoves 10 bucks in my pants and grabs the slurpee moving back to the plymouth like she'd just got the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I turn to look inside the gas station and it looks as Erich is raving about olive oil while TMK's drummer is propositioning the guy at the counter. He lays down a few bills on the counter and holds up five fingers then walks out. While Hess rummages around the gas station looking for whatever. So I'm standing there when I hear sound literally come from speakers I assume are built into the bus itself. The notes were the unmistakable hooks of a ZZ Top song. I couldn't think of it at first but it dawned on me that it was "La Grange." Then Johnny comes off the bus with Joe and Mack behind him wearing fake beards and sun glasses marching off in unison with each guy trading the solo licks before they gather around the drumset which was obviously mic'ed up with the rest of them. They made that BP station shake and seems like everybody was calling their friends to come down too see all the commotion that was going on. There was a pretty sizeable crowd there before too long and not too mention lots of money being spent on gas station fodder to supplement while watching the show. They did the whole ZZ Top thing before taking off the fake beards and throwing them into the crowd.

I thought they were gonna finish and head off but I was totally fucking wrong. They didn't miss a beat and went into another song which I knew right off since I and they had seen The Big Lebowski. "The Man In Me" is a good song and with what equipment they did have it sounded pretty good. Though it was a lot of wireless stuff but it they sounded great as they usually did and Johnny was naturally on fire on the axe with Joe backing him up as he so often skillfully does. Clyde had a flurry of a drum solo mixed into it all and it just meshed together into a something beautiful. Johnny's voice was slightly hoarse but he was later brought some two laters of either purchased or purloined mountain dew that he wet his throat down with. Then he began talking a bit about how the tour was going and exchanging a few jokes he whipped out a harmonica from his pocket. He blew a few notes and hit the opening horn notes for "Ophelia." Now when a man uses a harmonica to cover the sax parts for a song I am impressed. They launched into it no problem but held back a bit and I noticed nobody was singing. However the crowd parted like the Red Sea when I noticed Johnny's living legend of a grandad walking through the crowd. Cane in one hand and umbrella in the other to keep the rain off his head. There was also a mandolin gig backpack over his back. He sat behind the drum kit and took up the sticks like he was holding two swords then cranked out the beat with east. Then he did all the singing with the rest of the band backing him up. It was nothing short of majestic and I wonder if this is just a teaser for the Pittsburgh show! I wonder what this song will sound like a full band. They had the crowd jumping and swinging enough to be in a near riot with all the wonderful ruckus of sound they were making.

Clyde replaced Johnny's Grandpa Jack behind the kit again as they helped him get out his mandolin and the old man began to play the opening notes to "Maggie May." Johnny took up the singing again and lead the sparse but large enough crowd in a nice little sing along while plugging their big Pittsburgh show and then tore into the solo with relative ease. These guys are real showmen and love playing to the crowds as it shows every time I see them. The whole crowd was hopping and bopping along to every note! When they finished even the guy at the counter was outside applauding saying it was the best break he'd had in a long time from this shitty job. They stuck around and signed a few autographs as well as mugging for pictures before high tailing back into the bus using their instruments to part the crowd. The cops got there later after they had already hauled ass down the road. Those that recorded it are already billing it as "The Exxon Show" as a joke even though it was a BP they played at. A hell of a show nonetheless even if the equipment was limited and the weather was shitty. These guys just live to play and rock where ever they go. I'm being told the cops want to cite them for enciting a riot. What riot?! Maybe a few things were stolen but nothing was broken. All in all a good time was had by all and it's a memory I will never forget.

tour log captain's : sorry pittsburgh.we raised hell in your city's walls.....and knew one of your women in tbe biblical sense. the city of steel was cold and this coldness contributed to our prodigious alcohol intake. we battled in vain to stave off the cold but nothing doing. no dice and other phrases of negativity. we were far too drunk to take the stage,and today we pay the price. karoliena has remained barricaded in the bathroom. i would worry for her safety,but i can hear her snoring a drunkard's snore. myself? i am laying on this bed,barely able to write this. i dread the show tonight,my head pounds like a fucking gorilla is humping my brain. clearly,this particular gorilla hasnt had female company in quite some time. fear not ticket holder's tonight we will be firing on all cylinders....and then some. some benzedrine and we will be right as dodgers.if it was good enough for jack kerouac,it'll be good enough for us.

oh,and if anyone is missing: a scooter,garden gnome,garden hose,small ladder,two lawn chairs,bird cage( had two parrots in it....the birds are long since set free) ,and a pair of gaudy sombreros. check with us,we may just have it.

we bid a-doo to pittsy burg,and are supposed to be on our way to allentown. i hope they let us in,i dont think any of us are named "allen"..i am going to get a sticker and write "hello,my name is allen" on it,by attaching this to my person,i should be able to blend in. currently i am writing this tour entry at the counter of a diner that looks to be from the 40's. cozy and made from brick. one can smell the years on this place,and i love it. miami has old buildings too,but they've been scrubbed clean of whatever history they have experienced and painted over in modern sterility. and brick buildings? all but unheard of.

im sitting at the counter,munching on blueberry pie and slogging down coffee. i am taking an off day from chemicals,so nothing stronger than cofee for the next 24 hours. contrary to how it would seem,i dont NEED drugs to fuel my gulliver. i am alone in my sobriety. rob is outside on the phone,it seems he is pretty involved with some girl he met at a zoo. rob loves zoos and animals.i am pretty sure he is vegan as well.a bizzare concept of self denial,if you ask me. but i dont think any one did. karoliena went home with johnny. i wish the boy luck. i dont think he knows what he is getting into. a night with karoliena is like a burn on the roof of your mouth,it hurts,but you keep going back for more. to my critics,see? i am not a misogynist with a harem of girlfriends. what is good for the gander,is equally fine for the goose. life is too short,and too fun to be bound by social norms.

lost a virtual fortune playing cards last night. i never picked up the manly art of cardplay. but i use a straight razor,repair my own car,i can hold my own in a fight,and i can drink like a sailor. i am plenty manly....even if i owe johnners about 30,000 dollars. next time i tour with johnny and company,we're hitting vegas. every last one of them knows when to hold 'em. knows when to fold 'em. knows when to walk away, knows when to run. they also know you never count your money while you're sittin at the table. there'll be plenty time for countin,when the dealin's done.

tonight we'll be playing a new tune, "aunt may's ironing board". karoliena wrote this one. it is about a slightly older woman ironing a skirt for work,she notices her reflection has very slight wrinkles. in a moment of demented inspiration,she takes the hot iron to her own face. weeks later after the scar tissue forms,she notices the scarred skin is taught and wrinkle free. she then starts abducting old people and ironing their entire bodies. hope you folks like it.