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Offline PANIC!  
#1 Posted : 26 March 2012 06:14:08(UTC)
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OOC: This is an RP with GirlSpice. As always comments are welcomed in between the parts, if you'd like to do so. :)

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It had been a few hours since Ryan and Nadia arrived back in Los Angeles. The last two weeks had been something of an anomaly for them. They were able to get away from the rest of the world and just disappear, the two of them alone in the beautiful blissful paradise that is Cabo. A holiday that they had planned many months prior had come and gone, which for him at least exceeded all expectations he had set in this mind. Of course now back in LA, it was time to return from cloud nine back into reality. The reality was that they really only had a few days left together. Having spent the last four months pretty much tied at the hip of the other, it was difficult to now come to the realization that maybe for the next four months they weren't gonna see each other.

During their trip to Cabo, he revealed to Nadia and the rest of the world, that throat doctors had found a granuloma growing in his vocal chords. It was difficult from him to accept that. That maybe he wouldn't be able to perform live again until 2013. He absolutely hated that. Nearly as much as he hated all the things that were leading to it in the next few months; the surgery, the long chemically-induced period, the mandatory vocal rest. He may have received the news over two weeks ago, but it was all just setting itself into him now.

Back at his lovely Hollywood villa home, Ryan was now sitting on his living room couch, covering his messy long bed hair with his white a-la Bob Dylan hat. He was wearing an unbuttoned long sleeve plaid shirt and a white t-shirt underneath with a pair of baggy olive-colored pants. Next to him on the couch were many scattered pieces of papers and notebooks. It was a collection of lyrics he has written in recent memory, some of which were finished and others that were just a verse or a chorus or even just a single line that was stuck in his head at a given time. However little or large the idea was, he always penned it down on a paper.

He had his acoustic guitar at hand as he strummed a few chords, while staring at a sheet of paper beside him. He was trying to figure out the correct chords that went along with the lyrics he was reading off the paper. Ryan sang softly a few of the lyrics under his breath, "when you show me love, I don't need your words."

"Fuck," he said aloud putting the guitar down over all the papers as he reached over for a sip of the glass of red wine he had sitting on the coffee table. He was beginning to notice his voice cracking a bit when he sang, an effect of the throat condition he had at the moment. Ryan rubbed his forehead, throwing his hat to the side as well. He knew that the looming hiatus from music wasn't the only thing that was affecting him right now.
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Offline GirlSpice  
#2 Posted : 26 March 2012 06:39:43(UTC)
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Taking a hot shower to wake herself up from their tiresome flight back home from Cabo, Nadia closed her eyes and relaxed for a little while as she sang peacefully. Anyone else would have probably grown tired of her singing out old rock ballads in the shower, but as she was dating and living with another musician, she figured he would be a little more understanding and appreciative than most, who would have probably just called it annoying.

She stepped out and grabbed a towel, the water drops trickling down her body, her hair dripping wet, she dried herself and then threw on something casual, a tank top and jeans. Leaving her hair damp and not bothering to blow-dry it, she opened the bathroom door and made her way through to the living room, she turned her head and saw Ryan concentrating on the lyrics he had written down on the pieces of paper, holding his guitar. It was a sight that she was more than familiar with by now, deciding that it was best to not disturb him.

She walked through to the kitchen and opened the fridge, not much in there since they had both been away for so long, there wasn't much point. She reached her hand in and grabbed a bottle of water, before making her way back into the lounge, taking a seat on a chair close to the sofa he was sat on. She heard him get a little frustrated once his voice cracked slightly, her head lowered, clearly feeling terrible for him. She knew this was never going to be easy for him.

"Babe, don't overdo it, you'll have all the time in the world to sing these songs when you're all better," she said in a soft tone, taking a sip of her water and looking at him with her warm eyes.
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Offline PANIC!  
#3 Posted : 26 March 2012 07:07:42(UTC)
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Ryan gave her a weak smile as he saw her take a seat on the chair near the sofa. He took a long sigh, nodding his head in agreement. He knew she wasn't the only one who was telling him that, but it was right every time. Not much else he could do but accept the fact and look forward to the future. "I know, you're right," he said softly, running a hand through his hair.

He racked up all the scattered pieces of papers and placed them inside a notebook, which he tossed onto the table before him. As horrible as he knew this situation was, having Nadia there with him almost made it a bit easier to handle. He stood up placing his guitar on its respective stand nearby, while taking his hat in the other hand. Ryan took the small steps needed to reach where she was sitting, placing a hand on each of its arms and leaning in to kiss her. He held to the kiss for a couple of seconds before releasing it, still maintaining just a small distance away from her face. "Thank you... for everything," he told her in a whisper whilst staring at her warm brown eyes.

He backed away from her, leaning against one of the arm chairs beside her, playfully dropping his hat on her head. He leaned his head forward to get a better look at her. "You know, you don't look to bad in it. Country music might be your next career move," he said with a chuckle, holding to the back of the chair to keep his balance.
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Offline GirlSpice  
#4 Posted : 26 March 2012 07:26:40(UTC)
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Nadia knew he was finding it hard to deal with this whole situation, she didn't blame him, imagining herself in his place made her realise that she would have struggled, any musician would. To go off on tour and leave him to deal with this on his own was something she dreaded, this tour really was bittersweet to her, one half of her looked forward to all of the good times that were ahead, the other didn't want to leave Ryan, she wanted to be there every step of the way. She sighed softly as she thought about it, backing out from this tour wasn't an option, not that she wanted to, but she couldn't help but wonder how Ryan would cope without her. The two of them had grown so close these past few months, it even scared herself what she'd do without him during the length of the tour.

She watched Ryan put away his lyrics and guitar, she appreciated that he knew every moment together counted right now. Giving him a smile to let him know that she was thankful, she then returned the kiss he gave her, pulling him in close, before smiling and letting him go.

She giggled as he placed his hat on her, posing playfully, "What have I been doing in GirlSpice all this time? Country is where it's at!" She ran her fingers through his smooth hair, clearly a fan of the length he'd grown it to, before placing the hat back onto him. "I know we only got back a little while ago, but did you wanna have that chat now? I'd just rather get it over and done with."
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#5 Posted : 26 March 2012 07:44:20(UTC)
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ooc: Sorry to disturb, but I enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read more!
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Offline PANIC!  
#6 Posted : 26 March 2012 07:53:29(UTC)
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His biggest worry right now was knowing that in just five days his small theatre tour across the country was beginning, and if he was already struggling with his vocals before he began to sing 15 songs each night, he didn't want to know how his voice would be at the end of the tour. Better question, if he would even be able to finish the tour with his strained vocals. The timing of all this was what most angered, as well as scared him. As cheesy as it may sound, he imagined that this entire process would be easier if Nadia were at this side. Yet he understood that wasn't possible, and there was no way in hell he was going to stop her from going out on her first solo tour. He knew how excited she was to head out of the road alone for the first time. He was going to find a way to cope through all this, even if it meant a lot of whisky to be consumed.

Ryan laughed as her pose and comment. He adjusted the hat on his head and dropped his vision to the ground when she brought up the chat he had previously told her about. He knew perfectly well what he had to tell her, but now that the moment was here, his head was a bit scattered. If timing was such a pain in the ass for him right now, was now the best time to tell her about this.

He cleared his throat, mentally scorning himself as he did knowing the doctors advised him against doing such thing. "Yeah, I guess now is as good of a time as ever," he said to her with a small, force smirk. Ryan took his hat off, placing it on his knee as he thought about where to begin. "I feel I need to be honest with you because you're the woman that I love," he began in a slightly more serious tone. "And I don't want us to keep anything from each other because as much as I might act like it doesn't matter to me," he sighed before continuing, "I want us to work..."
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Offline GirlSpice  
#7 Posted : 26 March 2012 08:05:35(UTC)
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Nadia sat back in the chair and relaxed herself, she had wondered what he wanted to talk about many times when she was in Cabo, anticipating the chat. She knew they had to at least talk about their schedules and how they were going to cope without each other for their time apart, but she knew deep down that there was probably something else that he wanted to bring up. She looked him in the eyes, curious on what he had to say.

She nodded her head as Ryan spoke, trying not to smile at his comments, she might not be smiling in a few minutes. Either way, she tried to lighten the mood, "Well duh, we've been together all this time, I'd be a little worried if you didn't want us to work!" She grinned afterwards to show that she was joking, before taking another sip of her water to clear her throat. "Was there something you needed to tell me?"
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Offline PANIC!  
#8 Posted : 26 March 2012 08:26:09(UTC)
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Ryan chuckled at her comment, he was thankful she was able to lighten the mood a bit, it allowed him just for a moment to believe that maybe what he to tell her wasn't going to be taken so hard by her. Albeit, all was up in the air at this point. He stayed silent for a few seconds before turning his head to look at her. "Yeah, there's something that I need to tell. Probably something that I should have told you a long time ago," he told her, his tone decreasing with each word that slipped out of his mouth.

His eyes drifted down to stare at her legs, as much as he loved her legs, he wasn't staring at them purposely at this moment. Instead he did so because he didn't want to look at her dead in the eyes when he spoke again, unsure how it was going to be received. "Nads, huh, I've been going to therapy for a while now," he said he in a swift voice, a small sigh escaping his lips, "I've been going to therapy on-and-off for years."

He still didn't look up to read her reaction, thinking that it was best to keep going until she spoke up herself. "That time a few months ago when we were in New York and I told you I had to fly over here for a meeting with the label, it was bullshit. I flew across the country to see my therapist," he let out a sarcastic chuckle, repositioning his spot on the arm of the chair she was sitting on.
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Offline GirlSpice  
#9 Posted : 26 March 2012 08:42:51(UTC)
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Nadia noticed he looked uncomfortable, she suddenly knew what he was about to tell her wasn't going to be what she wanted to hear, but part of her still wanted to know what it was, as she waited for him to tell her. And then she heard him say it. She smirked, letting out a small laugh as if she didn't believe him, "Therapy... good one! No, seriously."

She looked at his facial expression, she knew him well enough to know that this was far from a joke, his face said it all, he was telling the truth. "You're telling the truth, aren't you?" She asked in a quiet tone, not even giving him the chance to reply as she blurted out, "Therapy, but why? Is it something I've done?" She couldn't help but blame herself at first thought.

Another thought came to mind, she looked puzzled. "Why on earth did you keep it from me for so long?"
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Offline PANIC!  
#10 Posted : 26 March 2012 09:06:26(UTC)
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Ryan couldn't blame her for her reaction at first, anyone who knew him personally could say that he was one of the least likely people you'd ever see at a therapist office. He was a prideful man, so it was hard for him to come out and be honest about something that in his mind made him seem weak.

He looked up at her, nodding his head to respond to her question. He quickly changed his expression and grabbed a hold of her hand, "No," he said in a stern voice, "You haven't done anything. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for my own shit. You've been nothing but great to me," he said still resting his hand on top of hers, gripping it to reassure her of his words.

He gently moved his hand away from hers, bringing it back to rest on his leg. "Nadia, it's not easy for me to tell you this. I can't just walk in one day and tell you, 'hey babe, I went to therapy today.' I'm just not that kind of man," Ryan pulled his hair back, directing his eyes onto the floor again. "I don't want you to have to deal with my own problems too. I don't want this relationship to bring you stress because you don't deserve that. You don't deserve for me to bring my problems upon you."
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#11 Posted : 26 March 2012 09:33:29(UTC)
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He still didn't give her just one certain answer on why he'd been going to therapy, she assumed that it was all more complicated than she originally thought. She looked at him with a serious look, taking in everything that he said, trying to make sense of it all.

She understood what Ryan was like and why he struggled to tell her, but part of her couldn't help but feel that they should be close enough by now to be able to share these things. "We're supposed to be there for one another, you should have told me. You know I'm always there for you, and it would have been no different through the therapy," she assured him. "I love you, that means your problems are my problems, whether you like it or not."

She sighed, regretting that she asked to have the chat now, although their flight was only short, flying had always made her tired. "How can I be there for you if you won't let me?"
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Offline PANIC!  
#12 Posted : 26 March 2012 09:58:35(UTC)
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It was difficult for him to build up a satisfying reply to answer her question. For weeks, months even, he has tried his best to align everything in his head, yet even at this moment he wasn't sure what to tell her. It was a lot of things that contribute to his decision to go to therapy.

He took a sigh of relief hearing her speak, but he was still unable to let it all sink in. Ryan understood where she was coming from. It still didn't comfort him enough to accept it aloud. "I love you too, but I don't want them to be your problems too. I know what happened to you a few years ago, and I'll be damned if I'm the reason for something like that you happen to you ever again," he told her. He was protective of her, he never wanted to see her hurt, even though he knew that unintentionally he might be hurting her by not bringing her into certain parts of his life.

"I don't know why I'm like this," he began in a soft voice, "I like keeping things close to heart. I don't like showing any sign of weakness because it makes me feel small. I tell myself that I want you to be there for me, yet I don't know if it's my fucking pride, but something keeps getting in the way of me allowing you to be there for me." He knew he was still delaying the inevitable question of why he has been going to therapy, and he was gonna have to answer it to her during the course of this chat.
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#13 Posted : 26 March 2012 10:17:30(UTC)
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She shook her head, as if he wasn't listening to her, wanting him to open up to her more. "I was a wreck a few years ago, I'm better now, you don't have to keep things to yourself to protect me. I won't go off the edge just because you tell me you've got troubles of your own, that's life," she said as she looked into his eyes.

"I don't just wanna be there with you when we go on the fancy holidays or to award shows where we just stand and smile for the cameras." She grabbed hold of his hand and squeezed it gently, keeping eye contact with him. "I wanna be there for the problems as well, I wanna be there for you when you're struggling with stuff. That's what you should expect of me, otherwise what good am I?"

She couldn't help but feel a little hurt, wanting him to be able to let her be there for him at all times. She really had no clue what was stopping him. Determined to get it out of him, she decided to ask him again, "So, you never said, what are you going to therapy for?"
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Offline PANIC!  
#14 Posted : 26 March 2012 10:41:35(UTC)
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He looked into her eyes as she spoke, he wanted to believe. He wanted to put all his trust in her so she could be there for him all the time. She was right, that was years ago, and who better than herself knew that wasn't going to happen again. Although that was just one wall being knocked out, it still didn't make him lay his armor down.

He knew she was right, every word that made its way out of her mouth made perfect sense. He glanced down at her holding his hand, before returning his eyes to meet hers. He brought his gaze down once again when she asked him that stinging question again. What was he going to therapy for? Ryan rubbed the side of her hand with his thumb, taking a deep sigh before he spoke up to finally answer her question. "Nadia, I don't know what to tell you. There's a lot of reasons I go to therapy," he said.

"I go to therapy because I feel safer going to see a complete stranger and telling them my problems because I feel they won't judge me," he began again keeping his eyes locked on hers, "But lately I've been going to therapy because I don't know what I'm doing here with you. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. I keep feeling like I'm not grown up enough to be with you even though I'm fucking eight years older than you." Ryan looked down, shaking his head. "It kills me to think that you're just wasting your time with me because I might not be able to ever give you what you really want."
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#15 Posted : 26 March 2012 10:54:09(UTC)
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She bit her bottom lip as he answered the question that she wanted to be answered the most, staying silent and not really knowing what to say now. After he finished speaking, there was an awkward silence for a few seconds, she didn't know what to say or how to react.

"I can see why talking to a stranger would be easier, but you really think I'd judge you? Don't be silly," she said in a comforting manner. She knew exactly what he meant about what she really wanted, she just had no clue on how to answer him, was she really wasting her time? She didn't seem to think so. "If I thought I was wasting my time with you, we wouldn't still be together. Simple as."

She thought for a moment, looking away from him and staring at the floor. "I won't lie, sometimes I feel we want different things. I don't want you to have to force yourself to give me what I want if you're not ready, that'd be my worst nightmare," she closed her eyes and just imagined the situation for a second. "Do I think you'll ever be ready? I don't know, I just keep hoping so."

Her eyes met his again, "Would you say the therapy is working?"
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#16 Posted : 26 March 2012 11:26:29(UTC)
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He sighed at the few seconds of awkward silence the air between them had taken. Her words were comforting, probably more so than anything his therapist could tell him. It made sense, they've been together on-and-off for nearly two years, granted on Ryan's part that's the longest he's ever been in relationship.

Ryan took in the words she spoke, keeping eyes on her until she was done speaking. "Yeah, sometimes I feel that way too." he said softly, following her comment about them wanting different things. "My worst nightmare is holding you back from that, because you deserve all that you want. And I'm sure there's a million guys other there more than willing to love you and give you all of that," he brought his eyes back to hers as he spoke, "Yet, I don't want to see you with someone else."

A few seconds of silence following her question once again, he brought his eyes as he thought it over. He raised his eyes once more, their brown eyes striking each others, "I don't know," he shook his head as he said it. "It's opening my eyes more, it's making me see that I shouldn't shut you out of any aspect of my life, he spoke with his words slipping out naturally, "But at the same time, it's also making me realize that you might deserve better than me. I'm a fucking mess," he told her with a scoff.

He kept his eyes on her, "I'm not ready to give you what you want. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Maybe my therapist is right, maybe I should let you go," he said feeling his eyes watering and pausing for a second to run his eyes over them. "But I can't fucking do that. I don't wanna lose you, Nads."
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#17 Posted : 26 March 2012 11:51:06(UTC)
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Nadia ran her hands through her hair, having a bit of headache, grabbing the water bottle in front of her and pressing it to her lips again as she took a longer drink from it. She put it back down on the table and sighed, there was no easy solution to all of this.

"I don't wanna be with someone else though," she said hurriedly, assuring him. "God knows that things could have been a lot easier for me, for the both of us, if we didn't fall for each other, but we did," she said, letting a small smile form at the corners of her mouth. This wasn't the first problem the two had faced together, and she was eager to overcome this one. She tried to remain optimistic, but this problem of Ryan being unable to fully give her what she wanted was hurting her more than she wanted him to know.

She looked deep into his eyes, there was really only one way that would make him be able to find out. "This time apart when we both go away on tour, I want you to think and think hard. Do you really want me in your life for good? Are you ever gonna be able to fully dedicate yourself to me? Because this time apart is really gonna be the test."

She probably sounded like his own therapist, but she thought she was making sense. Noticing his eyes well up, she placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him gently, she hadn't seen him get so emotional before. "Listen, go and fuck every girl you see if you decide that hey, maybe you're just not ready and we should end this. But don't expect me to stick around if so. If not, then I want us to be completely open and honest from then on, a clean slate and for you to know what you want."
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#18 Posted : 26 March 2012 12:32:14(UTC)
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He was beginning to think that this whole chat was a bad idea. He knew perfectly well that all this was bound to come up at one point or another, at least with him bringing it up now it was in his hands, and wasn't used as darts they threw at each other during a fight later.

He smiled a bit hearing her talk about how things would be easier if they hadn't fallen for each other, catching a glimpse of her small smile as well. He knew they had overcome other problems during the course of their relationship, yet this problem was almost entirely on him to decide what he wanted. If he were to tell her that he could never give her what she wanted, that would have been it for them.

Ryan met her eyes as she spoke, the test. It made sense though, despite the fact she sounded a bit like his therapist. In all honesty he was unsure of what this sudden change was going to cause, having gone from this period of time that has really been the height of their relationship to now being months without seeing each other. Even before this time, distance was always a challenge for them.

His eyes met her again, "Trust me Nads, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna fuck any other girl," he assured her. "I might not know what I want in the future, when it comes to us becoming a couple who's married and with kids, but I know I want you. I know that I can't think about being with another girl that isn't you."

The real question that was still looming, was if he was going to be able to give her what she wanted. "But that's fine, if you want that, we'll see where we are when you get back," he began, "I can assure you that when you get back I'm still gonna love you like crazy. The only thing up in the air for me is giving you what you want. I can give you everything, but I hate myself that I'm not man enough to give you all you really want from me," he sighed, frustrated at himself, as he ran a hand through his hair.

He looked her deep in the eyes and asked her, "If you get back from touring and I tell you that I still can't give you what you want, what are you gonna do?"
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#19 Posted : 26 March 2012 12:55:16(UTC)
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Nadia really had no idea the chat would have gotten so intense, seeing him get emotional in front of her made her realise that this was a huge obstacle that they needed to get over. Their past problems seemed miniscule compared to this one, they all seemed so easy to solve before, unlike this one.

He may have not been able to promise her marriage and children, but the fact that he was so open about wanting her made her smile grow wider. She couldn't help but notice some sort of change in him compared to a few months ago, he seemed more caring in a way, a side to him that she liked seeing more of. She had no idea who this therapist was, but whoever they were, they must have been very smart to have gotten through to Ryan, even just slightly.

"Maybe you need more sessions with your therapist?" If she had noticed even a slight change in him now, maybe the continued sessions would get more sense into him, at least she liked to hope so.

Looking right back into his brown eyes, she pressed her lips together as she wondered for a moment, what was she going to do? She knew that she was too madly in love to break it off with him, but she desperately wanted the perfect family and wedding that she'd been dreaming of. She couldn't give him an answer, "I... I don't know," she stood up and hurriedly changed the subject.

"Flying kills me... I'm gonna go to bed, I'll see you up there in a bit." She stretched her arms and then quickly made her way up the stairs. She shut their bedroom door and lifelessly fell down onto the bed, letting out a long sigh, closing her eyes.
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PANIC! on 26/03/2012(UTC)
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#20 Posted : 26 March 2012 13:42:38(UTC)
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This conversation had brought out all the shadows that they may have been hiding the last few months, now into play. Their last two major problems that he could think of from the last few months, was the whole Ryan scandal with that country girl, that was never really scandal, but they got past that rather quickly. The other was the almost pregnancy of Nadia. Those incidents were nothing concrete, they were fickle. This one on the other hand, brought up questions, many of which time was needed to form replies for them.

He was taken aback with the fact that she was almost suggesting he continue his therapy sessions. Maybe it was working, but at a very slow pace. It had been months since his therapist was advising him to be honest with Nadia, and just now was when he finally got the courage to do so.

Ryan saw her as she quickly changed the subject and rushed up stairs. He stayed seated and wondered what was gonna happen between them. He thought of how simple it would be if he was just able to give her what she so desperately desired, and it would be picture perfect them. Yet, he knew he wasn't there, he didn't know if he was ever going to get to that point with any woman.

He stood up and reached for the glass wine that had been sitting there since their conversation began. He leaned his head back as he drowned the rest of it with ease, before placing it back down. Ryan rubbed his forehead as he began to walk towards the stairs. "This should be a fun couple of months," he said sarcastically to himself, as he walked up the stairs at a much slower pace than Nadia had, moments prior.
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GirlSpice on 26/03/2012(UTC)
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