live from wonder bowl studio it's..... the erich hess show!
with your host, erich hess!
also featuring...marilyn van mansfield,as useless eye candy!
tonight's special guests are....
nina sangria!
and
erica hess!
" deep dark jungle" by the meteors plays,and screen fades into an ultra swanky cocktail party.
marilyn:* whispering to some one behind the curtain* i am not serving drinks,its demeaning!
voice behind the curtain: just do it,the cameras are rolling!
marilyn:*shakes her head* no way! its bad enough i am wearing a fucking bikini! i am not serving erich and his buddies drinks!
*some arms appear out of the curtain,thrusting a tray of martinis into marilyn's hands and shoving her onto the stage. marilyn stumbles across the stage,giving dirty looks to who ever is behind the curtain. she unceremoneously drops the tray on erich's desk and leaves,muttering.*
erich: uh.,thanks marilyn.*hands his guests their drinks*
nina: can i please have another olive,love?
*a jar of olives flys from off screen and smashes above erich's head. nina gingerly picks up an olive and drops it in her glass.*
erich: thanks,marilyn.
nina: *drinking* only a little bit of glass dust.
erica: it builds character....if it doesnt kill you.
erich:*laughing nervously* a few minutes in,and its already a disaster.....*perks up* right,then. hi and welcome to the maiden voyage of the erich hess show. you've already met my lovely assistant,marilyn van
mansfield. *a shoe flies at erich,who ducks* my guests tonight,are the equally lovely,nina and erica. these
two have a reputation for being...slippery interview subjects,so hopefully i can tame these minks.
erica:*winks* you can try.
nina: word,love. we arent going to take it easy on you.
erich:*looking nina and erica over* i hope not...i hope not. i find a joke helps break the ice,so....a pirate walks into a doctor's office. the doctor notices the pirate has a steering wheel stuck to his crotch,so naturally the doctor asks about it. the pirate looks down and says," oh that? it drives me nuts."
*clearly canned laughter plays*
erica: heard it before.
nina: and your laugh track is skipping,love
*screen cuts to marilyn beating a cd player in an attempt to get it to stop.she finally shrugs and throws it on the floor.she smiles and gives the camera a wink and a thumbs up*
erich: the harlots latest release has sold nearly one thousand copies,how have you handled this newfound success?
nina: i use both hands,love. i find if i cup the b-
erica:*elbows nina* nina, no! erich,if i may field this question? it feels great knowing people out there like what we do. even vanity came out and said she liked us...vanity! now that is an ego boost.
nina: this morning,i waved a dildo at a nun. not because i wanted to,mind you. but because i could.
erica: it wasnt a normal dildo either.it's too big to support itself,so it's extra floppy.
erica and nina sing: floppy woppy dildo. flopping on your toes,tickling your nose....
erich: ive heard of those.
erica:*narrows eyes * we never said you could join our song.
erich:*narrows his eyes* you never said i couldnt.
erica:*eyes still narrowed* ...you're all right,hess.
erich: better than all right.
nina: teenage groupies who dont know any better's opinions dont count,love.
marilyn:*from offstage* you can say that again!
erica: ouch!
erich:.marilyn,watch it.i dont kindly to you siding with the guests.....question two. you and nina are locked on tbe tourbus,who would be the first to cry?
nina: erica.after i kick her ass.
erica: whatever. you cant beat your meat without getting a black eye,"love".
nina: oh yeah? i'll beat your meat,bitch!
erich:oh wow...that calls for drinks. marilyn?
marilyn:* staggers on stage and lays across erich's desk* sorry. drank 'em all...you can have the tray though.
erich: good help is soooo hard to find these days. im lucky to have found miss marilyn here.
nina:no booze,love? oh ,this is going to be fun.*sigh and looks around*
erica:...*poking marilyn's passed out body* sleep well,you fucking greedy lush.
erich: no booze,and down one blonde bombshell. yet,we still soldier on. ....your songs are very unique,how does a typical harlots song get written?
erica: well,first ...we call your mom.
nina: good one.*laughs*
erich: fascinating. seeing as my mom hates you and blames you for my loose morals.
erica: your mom knows about being loose!
nina: sorry,i cant encourage you on that one. one mom joke is ok,but after that? meh.
erich: sadly,i have ran out of time.the old clock on the wall says "thats all from the erich hess show" i think it went well,right?
erica: if i was at home,i woulda changed the channel by now.
nina: me too.isnt judge judy on now?
erica: i love that show! judy is such a bitch.when i get old,i hope to be that bitchy... but still cute,so i can get away with it.
nina: dont you have to be cute first,love?
erich: hey-o! you sir, are correct!
erica.... can we go now?
nina: yeah,it smells in here...*sniffs* sort like...eggs and....play dough?
erich: *shrugs shoulders* could be anything..*hides plate of fried eggs and bacon made from play dough under desk* yup,could be anything.
erica:see ya,erich.thanks for having us.
nina: being on the show wasnt bad either.
they all laugh.erica and nina bow,and leave the screen
erich:*pokes the snoring marilyn* wake up! you gotta do the sign off...*pokes her again* wake up!......damn. ok. *waves* nite nite folks! stay frosty
the erich hess show was filmed in front
of no one at all. if you,or a friend wishes to be a
future guest: write your name,what you are famous for,and favorite tv show on
a 3x5 card. crumple the card up
and throw it away. you'll be glad you did.
