Dear celebrities, the shoe in the picture above is the one that I, Cassandra Smith (Nee Summers), am about to kick your ass with! So bend the fuck over and get ready for the heftiest thump you ever felt! Who left the lights on? It seems like such a long time aince I've been away and out of this game of blogging, laughing (at you), and generally telling what and who sucks. But guess what? I'm back in business again. I know you might have heard that I mellowed out after I had my kid, but you know...if you thought that let all you idiot celebs off the hook, then awwww I'm sorry....THINK AGAIN! Hehe...I think I have unintentionally lent my title to people like Layla something or other and Prince Alexis in my downtime, but now is the opportunity to rip it back off them again...and if I take half of their body with it when I tear it from them...I just hope it fucking hurts. Now queue up; who's first....?
Well well, it seems that the first person to piss me off for my return blog was intending to get themselves severely hurt at some point in her life. At least that's what I assume would be the mindset of someone who would do something so idiotic, stupid, downright selfish...and fuck it, I'll give her praise, brave (I believe in credit where it's due, it's one of my more redeeming aspects lol). Anyway, as everyone knows, I have very few friends, but this silly silly girl decided to fuck with one of my good friends. People seem to know about it, but I have yet to hear her get enough abuse. Before I start, let's take a look at her face...it may take me a moment though, with those lips I'll need to double source Google to make sure I'm not showing you all some ginger pubed Donald Duck impersonator!
Alright, here she is:
Ewwwwwwwwwww. What's wrong with its mouth? it's as if the Ugly Duckling and Ron Weasley got together. Yuck! It's name, for those who aren't aware, is Arianna Harley. Allegedly it's in some band or other, but I had never heard the name before, so I doubt anyone else has paid much attention to them. What this thing did...this piece of dirt, was to fuck my friend Gia's husband. For TWO MONTHS! What.The.Fuck.Bitch? I don't even blame him. I mean sure, he's clearly a fucking idiot, but men are easily led, and this tramp has attempted to single handedly tear apart a family which was doing perfectly well without having a fucking Cheez-its Daffy Duck get in the way.
What happened dear? The debut single and EP flop and you just had to grab hold of the most high profile cock you could get your cunt on? Well that's not how it works! You disgust me. Seriously. I mean I know that I was a tad liberal in my early days with my sexuality, but you just DO NOT take someone's husband. Are you like sick in the mind? I hope that your career plummets now though, and I'm sure it will. As much as the public love a scandal, they hate a hussy who tries to use power and her vag to get to the top. And I'm glad. I hope you just get the message and fly back to your flock...or don't they like gingers either...?
Also, while I'm on the subject of this....thing, let me also address its alleged band mate (although not any more if rumours and reports are true...) Jared. He seemingly likes to go by the name "Scar". Really? Is that supposed to make you seem cool and tough? It doesn't, it just makes you seem like you've given yourself a nickname inspired by a character from a mid-90s Disney cartoon....hardcore! [/sarcasm]. If that's your game then you should have just gone with Pumba...cos you stink! Eww!
Oh and, quick message to Gia: I've only seen a picture of this...but if I were you, I'd get yourself checked out hun, cos it clearly has something, and I bet it passed it on to Scott...Ewww!
Bitch-slaps: 8/10
Alright, well who is next on the conveyor belt of Cassie telling you why I hate you? Mirror mirror on the wall...which celebrity's rep shall fall? I know, let's have some fun. This person went out of their way to royally piss me the hell off the last time I was in the limelight, and I'm sure she'll be more than glad of a little lip service. Especially as she's now about as relevant as a yo-yo or Kenan and Kel.
Why don't we take a little look at someone who backtracks so much she's about to try to climb back inside her mother's womb!? Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce my old foe (and I mean fucking OLD), Ms Stephanie (allegedly) "Fierce".
Hmmm...are you wondering why I'm targeting one of the biggest stars of the 18th century? Don't worry, you might be surprised to learn that she's not actually dead! And apparently has even mastered the art of using Twitter. Although if rumours are to be believed (and I started them so you better fucking believe them), Ms Fierce was seen on a bus recently, she gets a free pass what with being old you see, and she was thumping away at a typewriter...apparently that was a "laptop" in her day....Ugh. What a mess.
Wait a minute. Apologies. CAN YOU SEE THIS STEPHANIE? SORRY, I'M WRITING BIGGER FOR YOUR BENEFIT! I KNOW YOUR EYES AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE. PUT YOUR GLASSES ON DEAR!...Better? I hope so. Anyway, this "Twitter" thing has seemingly been leading Steph to show up just how senile she is getting in her ancient old age. I mean, one day she's telling us all goodbye, and making everyone happy with the news that she is going on "hiatus" (by the way, did anyone ever use that word before Blink 182 in 2004? I don't think they did. Bandwagoning idiots), and the next day she's announcing a new single? What? Is she even serious? I know you're getting old Steph but for the love of God come on, you can't even remember what you said a day before? Wow! Anyway, I look forward to the single...what is it gonna be? An Edith Piaf cover? Some of that "new fangled" jazz music you've been hearing so often on the gramophone? LOL!
As if the memory wasn't bad enough though, poor Steph appears to have forgotten who Brittany Knox is. Hello...she's only like one of the biggest stars in modern times. That's OUR modern times Steph, not your 19th century disco era. And then guess what; as if to keep on trend with her plan to reverse more times than the French army, Ms (allegedly) "Fierce" decided to take back the (frankly brilliant) comments she made about that girlgroup at the weekend. Typical huh? The only good thing you do or say in years (a LOT of years) and you go and retract it like someone who realises they've just stuck their cock in Arianna Harley's festering disease hole!
Anyway, before I ramble on; that wasn't all the news from camp (allegedly) "Fierce". No no. You see, congratulations is most definitely in order. Stephanie Fierce is pregnant! Wow! I don't know what shocked me more; the fact that she managed to find someone at her age who still wanted to do her AND had the ability to get it up, or the mere notion that her post-menopausal spunk bucket was still able to make a baby at that age! Either way, it's great news. The age gap between her two kids of 64 years will mean she has a ready made grandmother/babysitter for when it emerges from its dusty hiding hole.
Good luck kid...what a fucking shame....
Bitch slaps: 10/10 and a kick in the sandy vag for good measure.
So, I think I got time to lay into just one more person tonight, and I was really, really thankful to hear that this person was back in the music industry. I was almost fearful that I wouldn't have enough to talk about in this first blog, so when I was flicking through some of the God awful celeb mags that I was trawling for ideas, I almost screamed like Arianna Harley on heat...being mounted for the 47th time that day. If you have ever followed my writing in the past, you will know how much I hate this "girl". Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the artist formerly known (by me), as the Lord Tranity!
Now, Manity, last time I was aware of your existence, it was my understanding that some men with big shovels and hi-vis waistcoats were still trying to scrape your burning flesh from a runway after a hilarious plane mishap. How disappointed I was to hear that your gender-bending self was still alive and kicking...wow. Shame about the face though, it looks like that runway accident really did a number on it. Bitch. You know, I struggled for a while to remember why I even hated you in the first place for a little while. And then I remembered, as soon as I heard your grating and awful screech through my radio. For about a mile and a half I was driving along thinking that the signal on my radio was gone...but alas, no, it was merely your hideous muelings about being some sort of bad-ass and talking to a devil. Note to Manity, stop writing cryptic songs and stop getting naked to try and be edgy.
One day, and I will genuinely feel sorry for you when it happens (I won't but hey, God loves a trier), you'll wear panties so tiny that you JUST won't be able to hide that cock of yours anymore. And when it pops out, everyone will know what I have been trying to tell them for years...that you my dear, are as much a woman as I am a Peregrin Falcon.
Anyway, I wondered for a while where it was exactly that you've been? I mean, if you allegedly escaped unscathed from the plane, where did you go? Unless...no...I bet you actually got out of it looking like a melted welly, and you just went to the same plastic surgeon as Suzie, right? I mean that girl is so fake she is basically 90 percent Piz Buin and Silicone, and you DID disappear for some months...I'm surprised there wasn't some horrendous sob story actually. What happened? Afraid Piers Morgan would make you open up so much that you would reveal your gender issues? Hmmm....understandable.
Also, Manity, I hear that you are off on tour soon. If I were you I would go by boat or something..it seems that flying is really not the best option for you...oopsie.
Bitch slaps: 4/10
Sadly, friends, fans and fuckwits, that is all I have time to type tonight. Shame. I was having sooooo much fun. Expect more from me next week though. Oh, and next time, I won't be so forgiving. Much love. Mwah xox OOC: Just trying to get the feel back for the character tonight. Let me know what you think, and expect much more :)
