Erich hess
Mindy in the morning.
Erich is already sitting In The guest chair when mindy comes out. His eyes are wide and he jabs at things only he can see with a broken door knob. The audience is half scared,half enthralled by his antics.
Mindy:*pauses mid stride and holds the bridge of her nose* shit...you again?
Erich: *pats the host chair and stirs her coffee.* come,come. Sit and let's talk. You've got acres of questions and I've a vast vat of verifiable answers and pie charts. Always with the pie charts.
Mindy:* drags herself to the chair,knowing what she is in for.* haven't you od'd yet?
Erich:NEVER! I live in a ape village of near perpetual ice cream truck music. Paul Bunyan is my next door neighbor and he once drunkenly penetrated my chimney. A new throw rug ,recliner and all paper thenI was right as rain.
Mindy: ..where'd you get be door knob?
Erich:* cringing and holding the door knob defensively .* they were handing them out at Home Depot. There was a corny joke about one good turn deserving another...or something. I really wasn't paying attention. It seemed awfully close to one of those "feed the orphans" things. I just took the door knob and left. They weren't about to get Money out of me!
Mindy: so you are always intoxicated and you hate orphans?
Erich: hate is a strong word. I just don't feel we should give them shit. They are used to being self reliant. It's an insult to help them. Besides,batman is an orphan. He turned out ok. Nobody named erich hess ever grew up to be batman,and that's a damn fact! Greedy Fucking orphans.
Mindy: for the mutters who wish to see you live,there is an upcoming European tour? I understand its sold out.
Erich: yeah. We'll be rampaging through Europe like...whatever Europe has instead of Godzilla... mecha John bull? Yeah.,we'll be stomping around like mecha John Bull. It is indeed sold out. When the news reached miss wannemaker,she smiled so bright I got third degree burns. I got better,though. That's why I don't look all cinder-y now.
Mindy: are you resentful of Ada's success? She's pretty much a household name,while you....you remain a boogy man anti drug programs use to scare kids straight. Atomic war bride has went nowhere and won't be going any where in the future.
Erich: *shrugs and "reloads" his door knob* I do it for the kids. If I can get just one kid to pick up a bottle,when every fiber of his being says "no"...I've done my job. It can always be too late to quit drugs and alcohol, by its never too late to start. When the zombie moles surface ,do you want to be sitting there with several zombie moles in each of your offices thinking," hmm,I really wanted to try that heroin shit,but it's too late. My colon is stuffed with moles." Of course you don't!
Mindy:....zombie...moles? *she sighs* moving on.
Erich:*interrupting* don't scoff at zombmoles! They are already underground and alive. They are ready made zombies.
Mindy:..,and they attack the...er,holes of the body?
Erich: shit yeah! The are used to dark tunnels. What you call hell, John Rambo calls home. What you call a nostril,zombmoles call home. What you call John Rambo,I call John Rambo too. We'll do lunch in the morning to celebrate our new found common ground.
Mindy: *sits for a second,staring at erich* fuck this. They don't pay me enough to deal with this shit. Kurt loder never had this problem. *she gets up ands leaves the stage.*
Erich: Kurt loder is a chode. I went to that bastards house in the early 90's . Oh we were all listening to ace of base in those days. Any body who says they didnt is a fucking liar! So Kurt and I are dressed to 9's in kick ass zoobas,listening to ace of base and doing lines off nena's rack. Course, nowadays this is reprehensible,but in those days? everyone did blow off nena's chest. It's just what you did. It's like just doing it when you put on nikes. You do not just do it when you slip on reeboks,do you? Don't make me laugh, you know you don't. So the power cuts off and Kurt screams like a little girl. I mean what the fuck? What grown man is scared of the dark? He grabbed my hand and everything. It's like "dude. Find the fuse box and quit soiling your sanitary napkin.". I stood up right then and there and took my ace of base record over to Walter kronkites house. NOW there was a man who appreciated fine Scandinavian dance music and coke. Nena didn't come over.she was booked Solid for the next three weeks.,so Barbra Walters had to do. Granted doing drugs off a woman older than my dead grandma was weird at first...but after the 4th line? I realized I was snorting cocaine off an American Icon! This was more patriotic than fisting a bald eagle while wearing George Washington's wooden teeth.* erich realizes he is the only one in the darkened studio* nobody appreciates knowledge anymore. I blame MTV. Did I ever tell you about the time I did blow with Kurt loder ......,
