South Florida psychos
Erich hess
Sfp: it's been quite awhile since he was last on our show,but we finally have erich hess with us!
Erich: *clears throat* tv's erich hess.
Sfp: sorry,TV'S erich hess is joining us today. So tell us,how are you? You have kept a low profile as of late.
Erich: well,Tom. First let me say,it is great to be here. I was worried I wouldn't make it here. At least not if that bastard,Merritt stone had anything to say about it. Wot,with his battle ready jungle cat and all. Things got a little hairy,but I managed to come through unscathed and undone.
Sfp:.....ok.
Erich: oh,it's easy to be all "...ok." When you are sitting here in your comfy ivory fucking tower! But let me tell you something,sister,! when you're staring down the business need of a Bengal tiger,with a full Israeli defense force bolt action set up......life falls into perspective too sweet.
Sfp: rumors abound you are set to be at the next no venues.your band has not toured since the last one,has the war bride become a festival only band?
Erich: *looking scared* who have you been speaking to?! Loose lips sink ships. My friend Erica and her wife live on a ship....you're trying to kill them,aren't you? We are planning on doing no venues. But a festival only band?! Fuck that noise! I don't want a bunch of white guys with dreadlocks around me. That shit looks weird and factor in the sandals. Oh god the sandals. Who the fuck thinks sandals in an outdoor setting is cool?! Nobody wants to see your grungy ass feet and crooked toes! Hide those things.
Sfp: the 90s were over a long time ago,erich.
Erich: that's what they want you to believe. The 90s are still there. Lurking. Waiting. And when we least expect it? It pounces! Tie dye and Birkenstocks will become compulsive . It will be horror! Horror I tell you.
Sfp: ok erich. you need your meds,honey?
Erich: *hyperventilating* good idea...good idea. *starts eating a cup of some horrid looking jello*
Sfp: ew. What is that? It looks rancid
Erich: *inspects his jello cup* I don't see anyone from that band in there....yet. It's mescaline jello. It's good for what ails ya. Want some?
Sfp:*shakes head* it looks so foul. Most bands are into actually releasing music. Can we look forward to any new atomic war bride material ? It has been quite some time since.....hell,I can't even remember what your last release was.
Erich: well....we've been sitting around trying to write our next album. but inevitably someone brings out a delicious ham,I mean a ham that Dom Delouise himself would fuck. Just an ideal ham,straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Who are we to deny that kind of ham it's moment in the oven?! Granted,if Dom did fuck the ham....we'd postpone ham time until we got a new ham. I prefer Brown sugar glaze myself. I don't care how many times Dom was on the Johnny Carson show.
Sfp: so....ham is the reason your band rarely releases music?
Erich: the American pork concern is an insidious group,right? Right up there with skull and bones and the bohemian grove. Why the fuck do you think ponyo was obsessed with ham? She rode fucking tidal waves! Do you think the American pork concern is going to let that power go unchecked?! Hell no! They did the typical pusher move of "first slice is free,kid.". 5 months later? Ponyo is laying in the gutter,spam jelly crusted around her lips and pork rind residue under her nose. So do NOT dismiss my band's lackadaisical take on releasing music as being due to "just" ham. There are forces beyond your understanding at work!
Sfp: *blank stare* Have...have you ever been chased by men in white coats? Possibly armed with large butterfly nets?
Erich: never. But I was chased by an armada of gondolas piloted by Charles neslon Reilly clones.
Sfp: really? Do tell.
Erich: picture it. Sicily,1938. I had just gotten done losing an arm wrestling contest with Walt Disney. I had drawn a mouse on a napkin,and he really liked it,so I told him he could have it...if he could beat me in an arm wrestling match. Course,in those days arm wrestling was about the filthiest past time two straight men could partake in. And this IS including sicily's famous brothel. You know the one with Esmeralda and her magic orifice? So anyways old Walt finally bested me in the arm wrestling match. This was no doubt because of his thin layer of brylcreem coupled with my lack of Spinach. Mine and old walts rivalry was legendary. They later made an animated documentary series about it. Names and appearances were changed to keep walts blood thirsty lawyers at bay. But the information given is solid and true.
Sfp: the gondolas?
Erich: what about them? Charles Nelson Reilly was a terrible boat captain,what makes you think his clones would be any better?! You can put a captains hat on a turd. Even a turd with two kernels of corn for eyes and a wrinkle that gives it an adventure seeking smirk,and it STILL won't be able to captain a vessel properly!
Sfp: as scary as this sounds,it seems every couple is having a baby... You and Ada?
Erich: we are trying. Which translates to more sex than a chimp with six peters can handle. And if animal planet after dark can be trusted.... That's a hell of a lot. You know what happens when Those little buggers get all hopped up on banana liquor and the erotic adventures of curious George? Look the fuck out. That's what happens. monkey semen starts falling like a god damned monsoon and can near kill people with weak constitutions.
Sfp: what part of child rearing seems like a good idea to you?
Erich:*aghast* none you sick bastard! I only rear people of age. Ada may be younger than I,but she is well over the limit.
Sfp:*sighs* nevermind. That's all the time we have for today folks.goodbye.
Erich: up next,how to win friends and flatulance people. The secret? Ordinary table salt.
