Honor: I wouldn't aim to be anyone else ;) You stay beautiful!

Kai Rollins: People can only be someone's role model if they're not a cunt. It's why I can't be my own or anyone's role model. One day, Honor Wynter will have a similar revelation. Until then, I believe she genuinely does think of herself as her own role model. It explains a lot. I liked your blog though...mostly because I always wonder why the hell anyone needs a "role model" that's famous. I hear "ooooh Miley is so not a role model to young girls." No, you're right, she's a fucking singer and she never asked to be anything other than that. Thank you world, Kai has schooled you.

My team is everything. Not only my personal assistant, Faith Browdy, who I'm sure you've never met but heard some mad shit about, but also my spiritual team. I value them, I tell them how much they mean to me via text message, I buy them candles, ect. ect. Recently though, I started to feel like someone or something was missing. Even though I had a shaman, psychic, astrologer, Vedic astrologer, and an energy healer, it wasn't enough. And that's when it hit me: I needed a numerologist.

After a series of referrals, I finally found the go-to numerologist in Detroit. She's gotten so crazy in demand that she's had to start an online business where people can order than own numerology blueprints and then have personal skype convos about them. But thankfully, I'm famous, and I got to see her face-to-face. I gave her my birthday (4/27/91), my birth name (Nichole Dolores Shade), and any names I've ever gone by before (Nichole Fischer, and for a brief confusing time, Nikki L'Wren), and then she sent my information to a guru in India who mapped everything out and gave it back to her to translate for me. Anytime there's an Indian guru involved in my spiritual journey, I'm obsessed, so I knew this was going to be major.

We met at my house, and she gave me a folder that contained every number that's associated with me and what they all mean. It was a lot to process, but she broke everything down for me. Based on my birth date, my birth number is a 9. And oh my god, I am such a 9: I'm all about travel, seeking freedom, hating office jobs, and living life. Unfortunately, I also have a shadow number of 14, which means I'm paying off some sort of karmic debt from a past life, which I hate for me, but it explains sooooooooo much. I mean, obviously I have bad karma! How else could I explain my divorce, my need to have labiaplasty what I was eighteen, or fracturing my spine when I was twenty? I was on the verge of freaking out/killing myself until she advised me on how I can combat all the weird karmic vibrations in my life. So I'm pretty sure everything is going to be okay.

All I have to say is: Thank fuck for my numerologist, because numerology is my new addiction. It's secretly everyone else's addiction, too. There are tons of people who decide who they want to hire/date/makeout with based on their numerology. Therefore, I've started ordering blueprints for everyone I know, starting with a compatibility blueprint for me and my new girlfriend. Oops, did I just say that? Yes, yes, I did. Secrets, secrets!

My spirtual team has never felt so complete. Hopefully you'll find enlightenment as well. And let me know what your number is, so I'll know whether or not I need to hate you.

You're welcome,

Nichole

Edited by user 07 January 2014 03:51:11(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

Nichole: I don't think I can help you until I get your numerology blueprint back from the Indian guru. I don't want to go about it the wrong way and end up confusing you even more.

Kidd: Alright I can answer some of those questions coming from a Christian background myself. Ahem,

First social hour is like happy hour only no liquor and everyone just finish bible study, which people tell how the bible works in this day and time

Second yes there is but then it wouldn't be a Christian bible anymore and couldn't be used in church.

Third you have to be holy to do that kind of stuff and takes years to master but if you have time yea you can learn


Fourth I would say a 4 money loving Jews are dead on but you don't have to worry as long as money is involve.

Finally Karl what his face I doubt that he is the messiah their would be more signs.

Now that's taken care of what the number mumbo jumbo thingy

Dear Nichole,

How do you get over an ex? Should I jump right back into dating?

D****

Dear Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction,

Jumping into a new relationship less than two weeks after a breakup is a bad idea. Getting over an ex is less about the person you're getting over and more about you. First, you have to move on from the pre-breakup "you" to the post-breakup "you." This requires a few very important step: Namely, the right juice cleanse, an ivy league educated therapist, a hot trainer who you can fuck in between sessions, and a computer genius capable to removing any traces of your ex from your online life. Second, constantly remind yourself that you don't need a man to make you happy. While there are many ways to do this, I typically have my personal assistant send me daily anonymous gifts until I'm physically and spirtually ready to re-enter the world.

If none of this works, you can always revenge-fuck his best friend/new girlfriend.

You're welcome,

Nichole

Honor: I digress. Not everyone needs to spend 3 weeks getting over someone. And no, that doesn't mean that 'I never really cared in the first place' some of us heal faster than others and some need to drag it out to make themselves feel better. I think jumping into a new relationship after 2 weeks is only bad if it's for the wrong reasons.

Honor: Same difference.

Mariko: does this juice...go in your butt? Because that does not sound fun at all. If they use frozen concentrate,it begins to sound down right horrifying.

Nichole,

All my girlfriends have kids now, and never have time to chill out anymore. Ugh, I'm getting sick of them.

V***

My life,

I feel your pain. Kids are psycho, and having kids is even more psycho. Who the fuck would want to voluntarily gain 30-60 pounds and stretch their vaginas out only to give birth to something that could potentially be the next Lindsay Lohan? Me. I'm that psycho. But for you, the way I see it, your choices are as follows:

1. Get a whole new group of gay friends. Even if they have/are having kids, those kids will be chicer than the kids your straight friends are having. You might actually want to hang out with them.

2. Adopt a baby (from a foreign country, obviously) so you can fit in.

3. Become best friends with all of your friends' kids. Think about it: They're younger, they're skinnier, they have their finger on the pulse, ect. They might be cooler than your actual friends.

4. Move to a new city. Assume a new identity. Make new friends.

5. Get an IUD. Date a mega-hot eighteen year old. Fuck him 24/7. Be obsessed with him to the point that you talk about him so often that all your friends get jealous.

6. Date a rich forty year old, fuck him 24/7, and accidentally get pregnant.

7. Buy your friends' kids outrageous baby clothes and Instagram their outfits.

8. Hope that one of their kids is cute enough to become famous. Nurture their career, emancipate them from their parents at an early age, and become their mentor. Turn them into the next me.

You're welcome,

Nichole