Drop Dead - The Official Blog of Kai Rollins
Alreet? Thought I'd have meself a little try at writing one of these blogs, innit? Browdy's off at work, TV is shite, everyone outside is German and I've already nearly wanked meself into oblivion. Basically I'm bored and I need summat to do, so this is it. I've seen a load of folk out there reviewing songs and that, and it always seems to be the same sort of thing - "I liked this song, it has nice sounds and also the words. Those are also nice,", so I'm going to do that a bit differently at the end. I in't decided the songs yet, so I'll just choose three or summat at random and write shite about them. Seems the fairest way, innit?
Right. Here you go. Enjoy. Or not. Just read. And buy Drop Dead clothing, son.
Love,
Kai reviews…...The Stat Nerds - This Life
The Stat Nerds. Four glorified anuses with all the talent of a collection of actual anuses and all the charisma you might expect from orifices that serve the dual purpose of spewing shit and accepting cock.
One's called Jerry, and then there are three other ones as well. Are there three others? I looked at their picture, but it was all a blur of polo shirts, non ironic suit jackets with jeans and bleached teeth to me. How do I know one name in particular, though? Well the little virgin has spent the last 6 weeks spamming the twitter world with sexual innuendo and straight up perversion toward anyone who ever had the temerity to sprout a pair of tits. Advised to do otherwise with his time, the plebeian fool ignored the advice of many who have been there before and spammed relentlessly until he managed to eventually guilt one of the admittedly cool members of the rap world to actually spend time with him (and then jumped all over yours truly for even talking to her the next day. Amazing.).
Aside from that, I've seen them antagonise numerous other famous folk just for a laugh. Calling Mariko Chinese was out of order, by the way, and even though I enjoyed the way they set out to antagonise that Blood of Wecz sell out wanker, it was not really advisable.
What is there to say about this band, though? Stick them in a police lineup with 8 other generic teenagers (probably a lineup for the inevitable sexual atrocity Jerry will cause one of these days) and it would be practically impossible to pick them out. I have no clue who molded and manufactured this, nor do I particularly care, but I imagine the selection process was less X Factor and more close your eyes and point at a frat house somewhere on a shitty campus anywhere in America. Are they even American? I've actually never spoken to one, but I assume they are.
I would imagine a Stat Nerds video, and this is pop so one will absolutely definitely be on the way in the next few...what, hours?, to be all cool and summery and homoerotic. I don't look forward to it anymore than I look forward to anything they do, to be honest. But if you're a fan of fake tanned show-biceps then be sure to get all over Vevo in the next few days for summat that has more views than it does credibility.
Don't get me wrong here, by the way, this isn't just a flat out attack on the pop industry. This is a straight up, no-holds barred attack on one band from that industry in particular. I actually quite like some pop. I quite enjoy Weekend. It's just…..well this is basically nothing more, in my eyes, than an attempt to replicate the success. These are Gillberg to Weekend's Bill Goldberg, and all the sparklers and shouting in the world can't bring about a credible and realistic comparison.
So yeah. I haven't mentioned the song yet. And I'm not actually going to, because the song doesn't matter a jot, thanks to the Stat Nerds. This is a band whose hype is entirely built on pissing people off and generating heat through controversy. I imagine the song is shite, anyway, but maybe next time make your music about the music and I'll actually put on some headphones and take at least one listen of it. If you keep perving the world and promoting yourself through pure horseshit, then that is all you shall be.
Love,
0/5
Kai reviews…..Weekend - How It Ends
Reet, well let's move on to another pop band, shall we? I bloody love a good comparison, me, and although there is almost literally no comparison here, I thought it would be ace to stand the cardboard cut outs that are the Stat Nerds up next to Weekend, for a laugh. Ironically, those cardboard cut outs of Weekend that their fans, I have no doubt, do unspeakable things to, probably have more of a personality than the Shat Nerds. Even the Billy one….(you know I'm joking, love ;)).
So it's a bit of a comeback weekend for Weekend this one, innit? After basically killing off anyone else in pop with a knob with their debut album, the five of them took a little break there before coming back with this, and for their fans, it will definitely be worth the wait that they've had to deal with. Apparently they were taking time out to deal with 'family issues'. Not sure what that means, tbh, but I do know Oscar is banging that red-haired lass, Riley's wife shat a kid out, Scott buggered off and married that hot chunky lass, Dustyn has kids (wow) and Billy….well even that cunt doesn't know whether he's coming or going ;). It's all good though, they're back and you can all relax.
I was reet surprised to see this was a pop/rock tune as well. Who knew they had it in them to produce something with a little class and style like this? Don't get me wrong, I had a soft spot for the Weekend of old, but that was for the way they cynically shit all over the competition with straight up pop, no nonsense. It seems that family problems Weekend has a lot more to offer though in terms of talent and summat new and interesting. I might punch Browdy later and see if it works for me as well. JOKE. I AM NOT GOING TO PUNCH HER. IT WAS A JOKE! Just had to put that out there in case we get the bloody hairy leg brigade threatening to rub their sweaty pits on me. Again. Seriously, she would batter me anyway.
Anyhow, this is how you do pop with a twist and keep it fresh and interesting. The voices of these five are well matched and practiced, and the sense of experience and a real maturing in their music can be seen throughout this from start to finish. The cliches that I mostly always expect from pop music have pretty much been banished, which I love, and they are just laying themselves out there and letting their voices do the talking. Also, it's a song about some lad just stealing a lass from her boyfriend. That's some bad ass shit right there. Too many pop songs are like "aw boo hoo, mate. My girl left me and now I'm sad and I can never trust anyone again," but this is like "here, fuck you. This one is mine. Sit down." They say it a bit more subtly than me, like, but that's about the essence of it, innit?
I was going to say it's not one for everyone, but here, you know what, it bloody well is. If a tattooed violent cynic like me can learn to love it, you can too. Embrace the Weekend like it's the bloody weekend and drink and sing along to it, loves. This is a pop band returning to the battlefield and scene of their greatest triumph, but managing to change what they are doing to keep it fresh and put themselves in pole position to rule the roost for at least a wee bit longer.
Fuck you, Stat Nerds.
Love,
4/5
Kai reviews…..Elyar Black - Sex Babe
Funny reason for choosing this one to review, but I just wanted to put it out there. I banged this dude's sister once. Well more than once actually. Multiple times, but all in one sitting. Now she's dead (nothing to do with me) which I find fucking weird. I think she went all crazy eyes and went out screaming. You keep it classy, love!
Aye, so since I went to review this without knowing bugger all about the bugger, I had to look him up - before doing that I never even knew it was a him, btw. Wtf sort of name is Elyar? Are you off on a quest to toss a ring into a fire with a little dude with hairy feet? Give Jerry a call if so, btw. He doesn't have hairy feet, but I'm willing to bet his palms are fucking layered in a thick fur by now! Anyhow, this one here is listed on his website as a singer and dancer. Aye? Not interested. I've not even hit play and I'm already turned off, mate. Sing and dance, by all means, but do you need to list both? Sometimes when I'm on stage I bounce a bit, should I change my website to say "Kai Rollins - singer and jumper"? I doubt it.
Anyhow, I should probably get to the actual song and stop denting this lad's ego all over the shop. It's called Sex Babe, right?, which almost sounds a little bit too Yewtree for my tastes, but that's another issue. It's like a hip-hop pop mash up that just does literally nothing for me (sorry, kid). Well that's not true, it did do something for me, it made me nearly need to buy a new laptop. I were taking a drink of beer when the song started, right, and then someone starts moaning "oh, Elyar". That was me gone, beer laughed all over the fucking place. Cheers for getting me in trouble by the way. Browdy's cat smells of beer now, and I got told off for that. It's understandable. Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath? It's like trying to change the blades of a lawnmower while the fucker is switched on.
Fucking hell, I keep getting distracted here. Let me get a new fucking beer. BRB. Back. Reet, well anyhow, after that chaotic opening, I'm afraid this song just goes from funny to creepy. The faux porn (that's faux porn, not fox porn - that's wrong) moan in the intro gave me a laugh, right, but the way this lad sings the verses of this song...in that weird breathless voice...it sounds like he's watching the subject of this song from a tree outside her house while wanking and calling her on her cellphone. Was that the intention? And that's before we even get started on the sexual language. I sort of feel like I picked up the phone when my gran was on the other line and heard her chatting dirty. Not cool. I had to have a shower after this song.
In saying that, the chorus in't actually all that bad, actually. I mean sure, I don't think it really fits the song, and the hip hop kinda comes out of nowhere to kick you when you're not looking, but it's actually reasonably pleasant if you pretend it's its own song. Sort of like if you take Pitbull out of that Timber song, know?
So aye, decent chorus, but a bit of a creepy track elsewhere. I've heard worse, but other folk have done better efforts at what is essentially music porn already this year, and Elyar lags behind those.
Love,
2/5 