"When I was 15 I ran away. I didn't have anywhere to go. I had no plan in mind. One day I just decided enough was enough and I ran. I acted off of pure impulse. It turned out to be the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, but at the same time it was the boldest. My whole childhood I had been that little quiet "shy" pushover girl who took anything from anyone because she hadn't taught herself how to do otherwise. I've never so much as stuck up for myself, I've never fought back. I just let everyone beat on me, pick on me, spit on me. I could sit here and complain about being everyone's punching bag, that the world is full of evil and that I was victimized but I blame myself. I was never convinced that it was important to put my foot down and draw the lines, that it was okay to hit back and grow a backbone, people knew that they could hurt me and not have to face any consequences. I did myself wrong, I put myself through that. I sometimes wonder if that's why I was so easily pleased with being submissive during sex. I'd like to say that I was naturally attracted to sadomasochistic relationships but really, I was fresh meat, I was vulnerable, I was alone and I was taken advantage of. It wasn't like there were just kinks that I had yet a chance to work out, I was a knot in it's entirety and it wasn't hard for anyone to see that. I embraced the men who used me and I managed. I muddled through. I did what I had to do in order to stay alive. I did what I had always done: I allowed. Little Ishani gave up that nonexistent idea of a childhood that she had unfaithfully held on to for the longest and submitted. Submission is a funny thing. I think you become a nice punchline when you actually profit from it. There isn't much to gain from such a world like the streets of NYC other than memories and insanity. Common sense was useless, morality was unheard of. Most look at the homeless and everyone shackled to a life on the streets as hobos, barbarians, addicts and prostitutes. I'm delusional enough to pretend I don't know under what category I was. What I do know is when thrown into a pit of indifference, an ache for dependency becomes your thing. Knowing that in a world where you've been completely shunned, there's someone or something out there that you can lean on, you flipped all switches and became as submissive as can be. Lucky for me, I'd experienced my salad days with the same feel of emotional oppression. I knew how to play my part. I wasn't naive. I never believed a word spoken to me, never trusted a soul who came close to me. But when I saw something beneficial, I went with it and when I was confronted, I played dumb. Maybe growing up I never had the guts to say anything, maybe even now passive aggressiveness is my thing. But if there was anyone who needed to change in any of these situations, it wasn't the world. It was me.