Okay so there's a lot going on in my life right now but this is the less depressing event so I guess I'll just vent about it here. It's pretty personal but I'm horrible at relationships so advice from anyone would be cool. It's a long story (that could be said in fewer words but whatever) sobare with me.

I'm gonna start from the beginning of this story to make my decisions sound a little more wholesome..lol. So I met this girl mid-September that I felt an automatic attraction to but that's usually the case with me and 76% of the females I run into. Within the next month we developed this routine of going to each other's house and having these deep conversations and movie nights that lasted for hours and then eventually fall asleep. Welp one night late October we didn't fall asleep early enough apparently and things took an.. interesting turn. I saw her a good week later and we had actually gotten into an argument because I was trying to take the time and warn her that I'm distant and boring (really I just lose interest almost instantly in people and I wait it out until the other calls it off because I couldn't be bothered with the drama) but she wanted a relationship either way. Next thing you know, I see her later that week and we're all over each other, PDA and all. I'm being weird and smiling and practically hopping down the street and she comes over later that day, shit happens and we don't see each other for almost a week but I didn't really care because, well, I liked what had happened. This went on until November, like 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. We stopped calling each other over and it was whatever. Then my grandad dies the day after Thanksgiving and I didn't know who to call, even though she's in my contacts, and I had written a whole paper on why my life sucked and I was seconds away from posting it on here before I fell asleep from silent crying which oddly takes so much more energy than just straight up sobbing. And the sad thing was I didn't even have to silent cry because my roommates went out that night...lol.

Anyway, by morning I was over it and I was convinced I was over her. I called her a few days later and we made plans but she cancelled on me at the last minute. Then she randomly popped up at my house last Thursday and roughed me up and etc and it made me the happiest thing in all of the world because I was feeling like shit that day. And then she told me her ride was coming to pick her up soon so I walked her out and we kissed each other and all I heard was "Woah. Woah. Wooow? Really?" And I looked over and it was her ride. His jaw had completely dropped and her face was expressionless but I just giggled out of embarrassment because for one, I only had a big t-shirt on and 2, I thought he was probably shocked because he was her friend or something and he didn't know about us. But the same guy shows up to my door Sunday wanting to take me out to coffee. So I agree because free food, why the hell not? On the ride there he started asking me a bunch of questions about her and I answer all of them because why the hell not? We get to the cafe and he asks me why I kissed her and then I casually say, "because she's my girlfriend, I guess." and he turned around and then he opened the door for me and looked me dead in my eyes saying "She's my girlfriend too."

Turns out this guy is her ex from a while ago and they started dating again a week before Thanksgiving and she went over to his parents house for Thanksgiving. They were probably somewhere fucking while I was refusing to let myself properly sob. I laughed about it really because I didn't think what we had?/have?/never exchanged in the first place? was that serious. Plus may I remind you that we only see each other in week intervals, if that, and we never talked while we were apart. So yes, I was still flirting and got a little grabby with one of roommates who I also call a friend but really isn't. But by grabby I mean a really tight hug and a pinch where the sun don't shine, I wasn't laying around here talking about our future and claiming him as my second wife in Mexico, wtf?

I call her the next day and she sounds surprised (obviously because she thought I'd cut her off) and I call her over but when she comes over, we don't talk or anything, I just turn on the TV throw some snacks at her and sit on the couch awkwardly trying to control my body language.
"So are we gonna talk about it or just pretend like nothing happened?" I ask her at the end of Quantico which is a crappy show if you ask me, nice plot but poorly executed and subpar actors but it's our thing so I don't mind watching it. And she looks me in the eyes and shrugs, "what?" BIITCH. I'M BEING THE CHILLEST MOST LOW SELF ESTEEMED "GIRLFRIEND" YOU COULD ASK FOR THAT I'M 3 SENTENCES AWAY FROM LETTING THIS GO AND YOU WERE PLANNING ON RIDING THIS OUT UNTIL I EVENTUALLY FOUND OUT FOR MYSELF? whatever, I ask her again, she tells me it's nothing and that I should let it go and I nod my head away and she rushes out the door by the time the credits roll in not saying bye or anything.

I don't know when I'll see her next because temporary companionship is my thing and I doubt I'll send her back home tomorrow if she randomly pops up. Or should I? Idk, I feel like if I don't call it off first then I'm using her but if I let her call it off first, then I'll feel like I was being used. Or should I just not call it off at all? It's obvious that nothing about this has to do with love, should I even be thinking this much into it? Wowowow im not equipped for this.