"We have an up and coming singer in the house tonight but all of us in Los Angeles know this woman. In fact, we've all seen her on our way to work, and now she's finally got a proper recording contract so we don't have to remain calm as she screams in our face." [the crowd laughs] "But before we bring her out and talk about her music, we have to get to know her music. We have to recite her music, we have to be one with her music. Bottom line: we have to understand her music. Unfortunately, it is 2016 and no one makes sensible music anymore." [the crowd laughs again] "It's not fair, it really puts a strain on the elderly. But I think we can all agree that we are in a day and age where practically no one understand's what the knuckleheads on the stereo are yapping about. I am here to offer my aid and translate these poetic advances but not without the help of the original writer, WINNIE, come on out!" [the crowd cheers loudly for the starlet as she walks out next to Jimmy]



So WINNIE, you've got this new song out called HANDYMAN, am I correct?
[nods long and smiles] Yes, yes you are. It's available on iTunes now!

[shakes his head] No no, you have to prove to the people you can crack a decent joke before you plug your stuff, [the crowd laughs] did they not tell you this backstage? Get it together.
Give me a break, I'm new at this!

You got it now?
[nods and laughs] Yes yes, I got it.

So about this new song...
IT'S AVAILABLE ON ITUNES NOW. THERE'S EVEN A CUTE LITTLE LINK TO IT ON MY OFFICIAL WEBSITE, WINNIE.COM!! [the crowd laughs]

You done now? [the crowd laughs]
Yes, for now. [the crowd laughs]

Alright then. Tell us a little about this song and the message you wanted to display as an example of life for the next generation and the generations to come.
.....Well,Jimmy. I just want people to know that when I come in contact with things of excellence, I consider myself inseparable from them because I'm the type of woman who surrounds her self with excellence.

What kind of things?
....Things that excel.

Are there any specific examples you could give us? [the crowd laughs]
[tries to hold a straight face] Not one that comes to mind, there's just so many excellent things in the world.

I bet there are. [the crowd laughs] So basically you've go this song that not many will understand. Is that correct?
Yes, yes it is... But my dad is backstage and my sister could be watching and I don't think this is such a good idea anymore. [the crowd laughs]

Do they think highly of you?
Yes, yes they do.

Not for long [the crowd laughs] Ladies and gentleman, it's New Lyrics For Old People!

[the crowd cheers]



Alright so this is how it's going to work, you're going to say what you wrote in your song, 2 lines at a time, and then I'm going to say what they mean.
Okay.. so you're going to say what they really mean, no censor?

Yes.
Out loud? [the crowd laughs]

Don't worry, Winnie, this is all apart of the process of becoming a rockstar. You have to embarrass yourself and shame your family, it's practically initiation [the crowd laughs] Just take a deep breath
[takes a deep breath] Okay

You ready?
I'm ready.

Alright, go.
Okay.

"High off Shakespeare lines/I'm out my mind"
Translation: Your pick up lines are getting to me. And that's mind blowing because pickup lines are 100% designed NOT to get you laid.

"No need to check the time/I'm stuck here for life"
Translation: I don't have to worry about this one night stand ever ending because the memory of the hormones will have a shtick to it.

"I was never strong/Never claimed I was"
Translation: Not gonna lie, I don't have many standards. You're a man with a functioning sex organ? I'm down.

"Strung out over you/With a rush of adrenaline"
Translation: I didn't have to fake an orgasm this time. Not too shabby."

"You can't call this love/I don't care!"
Translation: I am in love with this fine sir's penile abilities and I would write it on the skyline if given the chance.

"He'll be moving on/Just tell me where!"
Translation: His genitals are so powerful that they are magnetic.

[WINNIE bursts out in laughter and blushes] I think we should stop while we are ahead! [the crowd laughs]
You knew what this was when you wrote it!

"That feeling wont last forever/I'm not dumb!/But as long as he'll drill into my arm/I will come!"
Translation: I just really want to have an orgasm..

"You are mines for now/And now/I'm yours/Baby, do whatever you like!"
Translation: You won't be here in the morning to give me judgmental looks so I'm going to take advantage of that.

"On the edge of losing my life/Every night/Don't think/No one could ever take me this high!"
Translation: This isn't good for my heart, I probably should be calling the emergency room...

"Handyman/I need a helping hand/I got a few screws loose/And they call your name/Always livin' life/Driven by pleasure and pain/Handyman/Come blow me away"
Translation: Dear mister, my hormones are at an all time high and I feel like you would be a fine candidate in taming my urges. I've waited for a guy who at least wont start that weird pep talk, you know the 3 second pep talk, after their done. You're just outdoing yourself.

"Who needs moderation?/I want it all!"
Translation: Do marathoners stop after 1 mile? NO!--... i think--SO WHY SHOULD WE?

"Gotta milk it dry/Before you withdraw"
Translation: ....

I don't think I'm allowed to say this one on national television [the crowd laughs]
I don't think you're allowed to say ANY of this on national television.

Last verse! We're gonna get through it without getting cancelled, I promise!"
It's irreversible now. Ughhh, I came in my good girl dress and everything! [the crowd whistles] Wait, no no!! Stop it!!! [begins to blush]


WATCH JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE TONIGHT AT 11 PM FOR THE FULL EPISODE!
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