OOC: This is really good =D Can't wait to read the rest!!

(OOC: Thanks! Means a lot to see at least some people are reading it. Next update after this one won't come probably until Friday. Super busy with school all this coming week. Nonetheless, enjoy. Hope this is entertaining enough for you guys. =p

---

Location: Barcelona, Spain // Nashville, Tennessee
Date: December 17, 2008
Involved: Ashley Perry, Ryan Ross Hernandez Gabriel Hunter, Nick Asher, and Joey Fallon

---

They tried to pretend everything was okay.
In essence, it wasn’t, but they tried.
They really tried.
Unfortunately each time Ryan tried to sing The Only Way That I Know How to Feel or Let My Heart Beat, the same thing happened: they looked over on at each other and were hurt.
There was nothing they could do about it, these songs meant something to him.
And he hurt Ashley.
He just wanted to leave this tour, to crush it in their palms and pretend it never existed.
But they couldn’t.
He could tell the rest of the band was also fed up with this nonsense, their nonsense. They told him to let go, to find someone other than Ashley, but she held a place in his heart.
It was a place that wouldn’t be replaced.
He still couldn’t let go.
He wouldn’t let go.
But he was forced to, since they were sucking it out of him. And as they did this, they slowly killed him from the inside. Putting up with this tour was just too much, having Ashley in the same bus with him, having the band constantly reminding him that he couldn’t be with her anymore.
The break up was so fresh.
And now another little piece of trouble was shoved in his face.
Patrick.
This guy, this muscular, wavy haired guy was another reason he wanted to leave. Europe had its perks and privileges, but having Patrick on the tour with them was pure torture.
He couldn’t even approach Ashley.
She was untouchable when Patrick was around.
She wouldn’t be touched.
She wasn’t aloud to be. And yet Ryan usually spent those rare moments with her, past midnight, eating and talking with her.
They were short lived conversations, but conversations nonetheless. These little moments of talk with her were those he’d treasure in his heart forever.
He wouldn’t let this go.
But he couldn’t put up with this either.
He needed a break from it all, since it was crushing his spirit, affecting the way he performed every night.
And he needed to go away and let his heart figure it all out.
So with the thoughts in his head and his heart set, he called for a band meeting, excluding Patrick from it.

“Guys,” he began weakly. His voice was a tiny whisper, and his head looked to the ground, never really meeting their eyes. “I think we all need a break.”
At first they took it as a joke, wondering if he meant what he said, but he did. He didn’t doubt it.
He was sure.
“Ryan, we can’t just cancel the European tour. Are you crazy?” She asked, the voice of Ashley, a voice too familiar to him. Seeing her there, puzzled, with a quizzical look on her face, reminded him of her expression when he told her he wanted to leave her. He said he wanted to take a break from their relationship.
“I might be crazy,” he muttered. “But I can’t do this anymore.” He laughed, a stiff and fake laugh, and they questioned why. There was absolutely nothing to laugh about. “I know I’m crazy.”
“You’re acting like it,” Joey pitched in.
“I don’t want to deal with this anymore, we all need to just..work it out. We need to. This tour will end up as crap if I continue with the emotions I’m carrying right now.”
On the back of Ashley’s mind, she knew he was right. She saw how he was acting, how he felt. It was obvious to them all.
“Maybe we should,” Ashley said suddenly. The heads turned to her.
“What?!” Gabriel yelled out.
“Ryan’s right. We should take a break for a little bit. I know it’s soon. But I don’t even feel comfortable either.”
“How can you guys not feel comfortable? We’ve been touring for so many years now and you aren’t comfortable?” Nick asked, confusion running through his mind. Was there a shift of feelings or something?
Ashley sighed. She couldn’t explain what he felt.
“We can cancel. It will be quick. Please, you guys,” Ryan begged, looking them all in the eyes now. They looked back at him, and didn’t recognize this serious, pitiful Ryan. They didn’t know him.
“Fine,” Nick announced. Joey looked at him, now the only one who did not agree yet.
“You guys are serious about this?” He asked them, his jaw nearly dropping.
They all nodded at him, and an angry frown fell across his face.
“Alright guys,” he sighed. “If this is what you want.”
“It is,” Ryan finished.
Ryan did his best to inform everyone.
This decision would send everyone in a frenzy, but he couldn’t do anything about it.
They needed this break.

“Thanks for agreeing to this,” Ryan whispered as he prepared to depart from the four at the airport. He did his best trying to hide the tremble in his voice, but it was obvious, even to him. “I appreciate it.”
“Just be sure to come back,” Gabriel told him, his threatening voice on. Ryan smiled and nodded slowly. He wasn’t so sure about that.
“Alright, I’m off,” he told them, giving them all one last wave goodbye before disappearing into the line.

So far, so good, Ryan thought, looking around his house. He sat here, in his bedroom in Nashville. It has been officially three weeks since he and the band had parted. Not only was it a good time to think, it was a good time to pour all his feelings out into paper and write down simple songs.
He looked over at one she had just written.
He refused to let the band see this, it was just too hard to explain. He expressed anger in his words.
He shoved it to the side, hopping off his mattress and walking out the door.
It was silent out here. The morning rain was still pouring.
You could hear it hit the roof and windows, rattling against both. It soothed him.
He put his hood on as he walked outside, into the rain, letting it soak him wet.
He didn’t mind.
The street was glossy, and the cars passing by sent sprays of water on the sidewalks. He couldn’t see anyone out here.
The rain picked up, icy, cold and loud.
It was pouring.
Down, down, down it went, on the street, into the street filters, onto his hood.
But it was also silent. Ryan trudged through the street.
He wanted to let the rain crumple him up and wither him so much that he would disappear right into it, never showing his face again.
He continued to move through the street, walking past the rain that sprayed his pants.
That’s when he finally appeared at the place where too many memories took a space in his mind.
This park, this lonely and wet park, was where he and Ashley had their first kiss.
He groaned silently. Why did Ashley have to get back into her mind again?
He stared at the park, over at the kid’s playground, over at the lush, green grass that was sprayed with water droplets.
He made his eyes look at that one bench, over at the far end of the field, where he took Ashley to sit down and gave her a kiss she wouldn’t forget.
But the more he thought about it, the harder it was to remember the way she looked when he kissed her, the way her lips tasted when it molded with his own.
He sighed.
He had forgotten.
He so desperately wanted to remember, though. With that thought in mind he walked over to the bench, letting the slushy, wet mud seep their way into the bottom of his shoes.
The bench was wet and worn down. The wood was chipping.
He sat on it, looking out into the field, imagining how it looked when he was there with her.
He wanted to remember that night when he ran off with Ashley, for that night was the only thing that would keep him happy and hopeful.
Stupid Kid.
You should have known.
The cold air hugged his cheeks and roused goosebumps on his skin. It was ironic this weather matched his mood perfectly.
It was even more ironic that the weather when he kissed her was sunny and nice, nothing like this.
He watched in envy Patrick kiss Ashley, in her bunk.
Ryan just brushed past them, never really caring.
Watching them was like purposely stabbing himself. Again and again.
It hurt.
But he knew he didn’t have the power to stop anything, and that his best friend, for once, was finally happy.
This he knew for sure, late at night when he overheard them talk but he did know he was in love.
Deeply, movingly.
But he was in love with her, too.
How would this mess work out? Why was there always something in between them?
The human mind never seems to let go of things that it holds near and dear to it. It refuses to let you move on.
When you finally do move on, it seeps back into your mind again. Sometimes, you can’t help it, and you cry.
Like he was doing now.
As the rain hit his face, teardrops fell and continued staining his shirt until he was all out of tears.
He wanted to get sick, to have another excuse to not come back to the band sooner.
But that thought was selfish, it only benefited him.
He was thinking about himself.
The band needed him back, and he continued to think about only her.
That wasn’t the way to think.
Ryan opened his eyes, looked out into the park and finally walked back toward his house, ready to crawl into bed and disappear below in the sheets.
In his home, he took a handful of the powerful drug Ativan.
Not enough to kill me, but just enough to make him forget, even if it would only be for a few hours.
Without even thinking it twice he swallowed them down his throat. Not even taking a sip of water to disgust them.

A sudden ring of her doorbell startled him.
He lifted the covers over his head, and just looked over at the white door.
With the ringing and knocking continued, unwilling he got up to answer it.
He never expected her to be here.
And yet there she stood, with a calm expression pasted on her face. Both their hearts wanted to jump out of their chests.
He had no words to tell her at that moment.
They just stood there in silence, an overwhelming silence that shook them both on the inside.
Neither one could find the words.
Ashley, slowly, walked toward her.
She was right there, his face inches from hers, his breath hanging on her lips.
He couldn’t bear it anymore.
He had to do what she wanted for once.
And so he did.
Without any hesitation their lips slammed into each other, equally wanting whatever they were going to do next. His fingers moved down the sides of her arms, sending trails of fire along the way. His lips burned hers, and as their bodies moved with each other, so did each piece of clothing.
Because the more they moved, the more came off.
And they had no care, for this is what they both wanted.
They wouldn’t let go.

But sadly it was a dream.

Ryan woke up with his body dripping with sweat.
His eyes were bloodshot red due to the strong dose of pills he had taken before.
The empty bottle lied on the ground with the last few pills surrounding it.
He woke up once again with the same angry, sad, depressing thoughts.
A sudden ring of her doorbell startled him again.
The only difference this time is it was real.
He groaned in angry, not wanting it to be real like in his dream.
Nevertheless he stood up to answer it.
He was in rather shock of the small women figure he saw in front of him.
Ashley was standing before him, this time not in a dream.
"My God, Ryan! What's wrong with you?" She asked him after seeing in the bad shape he was in.
"Nothing I just went out for a jog.... But come in." Ryan said not short if she would believe that since she knew he hated to do exercise. Although he wasn't too skinny or too fat he was average. Not a muscular guy like Patrick.
She stepped inside, Ryan shutting the door behind them.
The first thing she noticed what that his house was a mess. Which shocked her since Ryan was the cleanest guy she knew.
"Ryan, something is wrong. Tell me already. What you don't trust me anymore?" Ashley asked, which Ryan thought about for a couple of seconds since he really wasn't sure.
"I do..... I've just been a little messy lately..." He said in a firm voice.
"A little? Ryan, this is a pig hole!"
He shook his head. "Why are you here Ashley?"
"I just wanted to check on you. And I'm glad I did. What's wrong Ryan?" Ashley asked once again as she patted him on the arm.
"Nothing. I promise." Ryan said and gave a weak smirk at her.
"Okay. At least let me help you fix this place up."
He nod his head in agreement.
Although he hadn't seen her in three weeks she still looks at stunning as she did before.
Ashley picked up a couple of things off the floor and arranged them on counters and tables. She did this for a couple of more times until she saw something that caught her attention.
It was an empty pill bottle with a 'Ativan' sticker across it. She placed it in her pocket and went back to the living room where Ryan was.
Ashley continued fixing up the place, like everything was fine.
"So, what have you been up to?" Ashley said in the sweetest voice she could.
If Ryan was in his right state of mind he would have caught on right away that it was faked.
"Nothing much. Just been writing a little." Ryan said rubbing his eyes that were still bloodshot.
Ashley sat next to him on the couch. "Really? Nothing exciting? Nothing to get your blood pumping?"
Ryan shook his head. "No. Nothing. Just been figuring myself out."
She all of a sudden stood up and took out the bottle tossing it across his chest.
"Really, Ryan?! You been figuring yourself out by taking drugs?! What happen to our straightedge agreement as a band? What happen to not wanting to turnout like other musicians?" Ashley not only asked but shouted at him.
Ryan put his head down in shame. "I'm... I'm... I'm sorry." He said in a soft, quiet tone.
Ashley quickly noticed that something was seriously wrong and he wasn't just taking them for his own pleasure. She picked up the bottle from his knees and tossed it to the side.
She sat next to him once more, he didn't even notice as his hands were covering his face. Not just for the shame but for the tears that were threatening to fall out. Ashley slowly removed them from his face keeping one of her hands on his.
"I just want to know why? What's so bad that you had to take drugs?" Ashley asked him in a soft, gentle tune.
Ryan looked into Ashley's eyes. "Because I lost.... the best thing that happened.... in my life." He said in a whisper.
Ashley had a confused look upon her face. "What was that Ryan?" She said not even noticing the way he was looking at her.
"You....." Ryan said with a single tear falling from his eye which he quickly cleaned off.
Ashley stood up confused. She ran her fingers through her hair not sure what he meant.
"What... What are you talking about Ryan? You broke up with me...."
Ryan looked up at her with the sades eyes she had ever seen.
"But... I didn't do it willing. I... I still..." Ryan tried to say those last two words but they just didn't come out.
Ashley's eyes began to tear up as she forced under her breath. "You.. still what?"
Ryan let out in a tune that wasn't even a whisper, it was lower. "I still love you."
Ashley was now even more confused than before. "I don't understand Ryan. What do you mean, by that you didn't do it willing?"
"'Cause I.... didn't want to break up with. I never did.... I had to.... Because the guys said. If we continued our relationship, they would have left the band."
She was even more confused now, she didn't understand anything. At this point she didn't want to.
"I... I gotta go." Ashley said picking up her purse and stepping over the last few items that still lied on the floor. She opened the door and stopped for a seconds before shutting the door behind her.
Ryan was left once again alone in his home. His bloodshot eyes were rolling to the back of his head, with a few tears falling out. He reached over for his phone on the coffee table in front of him and dialed #3. Apparently that was a speed dial to someone.
He placed it on his ear as he laid back on the couch. He vision was soon blurry and he started to sweat more and more. The phone rang in his ears a couple of time before someone picked up the phone.
"Hello..." Someone familiar said from the other line. He had called bandmate Gabriel.
Ryan attempted his best to try and respond after a couple of tries he finally did but with his speech slurred.
"He...He...llooo...." Gabriel had no idea what Ryan just told him.
"Hello. Dude what's wrong?" He said in a considered voice but didn't receive a response.
That was until he heard a lot thud. When Ryan attempted to stand up but his phone fell and he collapsed on the floor.
"Hello. Ryan what was that?!" When he still got no response he hung up. He called someone else to see if someone could get a hold of him since he was in Chicago.

Ryan laid on the floor, after losing consciousness from the pills he had taken before. Was someone going to get a hold of him on time?

to be continued...