the first day after a tour is over is the worst. its like having your wings forcibly clipped and you fall into reality. hard. 13 hours ago i was snorting lines of coke off a ford transit's hood with nina. (or bonnet as she calls. fucking weirdo) everyone wanted to be around me and now? most people dont give me a second look as i walk down the street. for this reason,i arranged for about a week to myself before takara comes back. i need to ease back into reality. the best way to do that is to just continue what i was doing on tour: drink and drugs. i dont know about anyone else,but it is a crutch and fully acknowledge my need for it. being even semi famous as i,there is only a small circle of people who are your actual "friends". everyone else just wants something from you.

its late as hell as i walk down the streets of osaka's entertainment district.a few drunks stumble past me. if not for their periodical bumping into the buildings,they'd fall down. osaka is slightly less lit than las vegas in this area. its the sort of place one could really drink themselves to death,go mad,or commit a crime. i shove my hands in my pockets and keep strolling down the street.i occasionally slip between people. sure,i could keep walking and make them move for me,but its rude and im not that kind of person. plus,its faster to just weave in between people. as i walk i make eye contact with the men standing outside of the loud pachinko parlors. some of the slightly older men acknowledge me back. ever since i had natalya's killer killed,ive become a part of a world that i sometimes appreciate,but most of the times do not. sure,i am safe as can be on this street. if someone so much as bumped into me,those serious looking men outside of the parlor would snap into action. but....one day i will have to tell my daughter exactly why i cant wear a bikini anywhere in japan. for the most part,i am insulated from the activities of the yakuza. but that isnt to say im completely immune. whenever i bring the duke into port,im bringing along a shit ton of drugs with me. its simple to do: i anchor the duke off shore and the people in the small boats pretend to go fishing and bring the drugs in. im sure the organization profits immensely from this. i dont even charge for my service.knowing the man who took natalya from me is dead is payment enough. plus,its always nice to have people like this in your debt.
eventually i come to the building i am looking for. it fits right in with the rest of the garish neon lights of this part of osaka. but unless you are supposed to be there,you arent getting in. i nod my head towards the doorman and wait for him to open the door.

"sorry. we arent looking for new dancers." the man says gruffly and stands in front of the door. he is a younger man and certainly looks like he has had a few fights under his belt. its times like this when i do know i am in way over my head. these arent the kind of people i want to be around,these arent the kinds of people i want to raise my daughter around. my thirst for vengeance brought me here and i have to make the best of it. " i am here to see juro." i tell the man with as much authority as i can muster. i know it should have some effect as only those who should know juro know his name. i can see the man's entire demeanor change after i speak. "forgive me,ma'am. i didnt know" he tells me with a slight hint of fear in his voice. disrespecting a fellow yakuza carries a heavy penalty. but there a few women in this position,so his demeanor is forgivable. at least for me. i have business here and wish to leave as soon as possible. "its ok. you didnt know." i tell him with a friendly smile. he thanks me profusely and opens the door for me.
inside its just a garish as the outside street. loud techno music blares. there are at least 20 strippers doing their thing on the poles.i tuck a couple of 10,000 yen bills into a girl's thong as i pass. i figured she could use it more than me. i make my way into the back office. i end up passing more and more dangerous looking people. the back office door plain aside from the two men standing on either side. the man on the left is bald,whereas the man on the right has a pompadour/mullet thing going on. " please let me through. juro is expecting me."i squeak out. in reality,i outrank these men,but i cannot help but treat them as exactly as they look: people who are far better versed in violence than i ever will be.
the men nod to me and open the door for me. " go right in,miss kobayashi." they say in very respectful tones. i tell them thanks and make my way into the office.

the office is cluttered and disheveled. there is obviously a lot of work done out of this room. juro is sitting at a desk and smiles as he sees me. juro has reason to smile,who knows who many millions of dollars i have brought in for them. "hitomi!" he says warmly and rises to shake my hand. juro i have know since i was a kid. he was the best friend of my brother. my brother,jigen was never a member of the organization,but most of his friends were. juro was always very nice to me when we were kids. i was a good 11 years younger than jigen,but he never treated me as a burden. neither did juro.
"juro." i say with the respect his position now demands. he was friendly to me as a kid,but things have certainly changed now.
"hitomi,there is no need for such formalities here. you are my friend. " he tells me brightly as we embrace. sure. we are friends,but that could quickly change at any time. i never forget that. being jigen's relative can only get me so far. "juro." i say warmly as we part. " the ship is ready for the transfer."

"good good." he tells me as he texts the men whi will pick uo the drugs from the duke. juro does a quick calculation before speaking. " you know this will bring in near 8 million yen. are you sure you dont want anything in return?" he asks in astonishment. in the great scheme of things,i made more than my cut from this shipment from the reckless infinity tour. " not exactly." i tell him carefully. there is something i want,but it isnt money.

"oh?" juro asks with raised eyebrow. if i was into men, juro would be quite the catch. his eyebrows are naturally perfectly sculpted and his facial features would be adorable if he wasnt part of this life. if he worked at a software company or something,he would exactly what people would say is a perfect catch. " i want another favor." i tell juro with the seriousness that suggesting murder should entail.
"who?" juro answers back. his tone changing immediately. this was the business side of juro. the ruthlessness was there. it no longer was just a menace that hung in the air that was unspoken. he knew the sort of favor i asked. i didnt ask for much,but when i did? it was something big. the last favor i asked was the murder of natalya's killer. i still have the shiv that was used to kill him,it was part of the deal. the sharpened toothbrush is behind natalya's picture in my closet. i dont care if everyone thinks i fucked her over,i know i made things right with natalya. she would have wanted me to take revenge for her. she would have wanted her killer killed. she deserved better than to be killed in a house all by herself. she deserved to live. i know i did her wrong.but i didnt want her dead. this favor wasnt for me. no. it was for my sister. i spent many a night trying to drink myself to death when i learned what her marriage entailed. rape and beatings....beatings so bad that she will never be able to have children. her face isnt the face i remember a child....vara. vara left then came back into her life....then left again. i will not let my sister fend for herself again. i will make this right. "vara gallo. i want her killed and i want her to suffer! i want to see it." i tell juro with the most fury i have ever felt. i am so angry that i clench my nails into my palms. i abandoned mariko once. i will never,EVER do that again. "i want vara gallo dead."

OOC: Loving this so far. You set quite the scene and atmosphere with your writing. I like this vengeful side of Erica as well.

Not really wanting to be bothered,I go back to my drink. I just got done trying to plot a murder,the last thing I want is a lap dance from some stripper. I'm not a psycho! I assume she is a stripper. Judging from my greeting by the doorman,I venture I'm one of a handful of female members. I set my empty glass down and instantly there is a New one in it's place. I give the bartender a raised eyebrow. If you want a challenge,old man....you got it! Never underestimate the drinking prowess of Hitomi kobayashi! I should ask his name. He is utterly adorable. He looks like the Pringles guy,but Japanese.

After the smoke clears,I guess the girl gets a better look at me. It doesn't take her long to shout, " oh my god! You're Erica Hess! What are you doing in here....oh my god. " she says in amazement,this time in English. If I had to place her accent,I'd say German. She sounds a lot like Erich's wife did. Well,this just got interesting. Up until now,only my closest friends knew what I've been up to. I have been abstaining from groupie frolick,just to keep my tattoos secret. Its not that the yakuza are shadowy figures in day to day Japanese life,they are easily picked out in a crowd,but I'm Erica Hess. If this got out,it'd be like finding out that izzy once punched someone in the nose and peed on them. Slightly unexpected and rather scandalous.
" no I'm not. You are mistaken" I snap back and turn away,only to be greeted by a fresh drink. Oh,this bartender is good.He gives me a little smirk and goes back to work.

" yes,you are!" she persists,now back to Japanese. Probably a wise choice. Not speaking Japanese in here could be seen as trying to hide something. She isn't going away,so I turn back to her. " why can't you take a hint-" I start,ready to lay into her. I've had a pretty bad day and taking it out on someone would really help. But when I see her,I instantly drop my drink. The glass is faintly heard breaking. To use a. Cliche,it's like seeing a ghost. She could easily be natalya's long lost sister. Her eyes appear to be Brown instead of blue..she has eyes..it's all I can do to keep from reaching out to touch her. There is no way this can be happening right now. My nerves have different plans.
I can feel the slight rumble in my stomach. All that absinthe is coming back up. And I don't think it's going go wait for a break in this conversation. I jump up and run to the bathroom. Being a mostly male establishment,there is no line for the women's room.
Inside,the bathroom doesn't look like it's been used since the 80's...well aside from the countertop. The used condoms say otherwise. Ew. To further add to the grossness,my absinthe isn't waiting for a stall to make its return. I spew vomit all over the mirror and into the sink. I gotta use the wall to brace myself,or risk putting my hand on a condom. Then I would REALLY throw up. Remember how I said good absinthe was heavenly? Its not when it comes back up. Anise plus stomach acid is truely vile. I turn on the sink to wash the fluid down the drain. I hadn't eaten anything,so luckily it was just liquid.

"Are you ok? I didn't mean to upset you. Trust me,if I couldn't keep secrets ,I wouldn't be working here." she says kindly. As she speaks,she walks towards me. This isn't helping my nerves at all. Under the normal lights of the bathroom ,she doesn't look all that much like natalya. She is Caucasian,blonde and has obviously fake breasts . her face is far less angular than natalya. "I...didn't come in until I heard the water run.so,I didn't see anything. I really was just Trying to offer a private dance...not here,obviously." she explains with a nervous little giggle .

Before she spoke,I was ready to grab her and demand she explain what her problem was. How dare she follow a person into a bathroom when they were obviously going to puke?! But she seemed genuine enough and I'm not sure if I could really keep a hold on her. That's All my day needed: getting beat up by a stripper who looked a little like my ex wife,in a puke and used condom encrusted bathroom,in a yakuza strip club. Yeah,that would a stellar way to end the day." it's fine. I just thought...I mean,the sugar wasn't stirred into my drink enough and got caught in my throat." I explain with a wave of my hand.

"Ok. Well,your secret is safe with me. If you want a private dance or a "private" dance,you know where to find me." She says before going back out to the noise of the club. The pulsing bass of that song Payton did about the teacher makes my empty stomach rattle. Fucking little weirdo. She just saw my vomit on this counter and still offering lap dances and...? Ew. How could she think about fucking after that? Its probably her kink . I guess juro did Mean my tab for anything. She's trying to make that money. I straighten my hair a pop some gum in my mouth. Juicy fruit. This little pack of gum was bought in new Jersey,and now will end it's life on the other side of the world.

I make my way back to the bar where ,sure enough,a new glass is waiting for me. The broken glass was also cleaned up. I take my place and keep drinking. New absinthe meet old absinthe! Luckily the pseudo natalya is no where to be seen. Was she even real? Its possible something stronger got in my stash of weed. It's not like I don't have hallucinogens by the truck load. " excuse me,what's your name?" I ask the bartender.

"Joe" he answers back,sliding a drink my way. He gives me a look that says it was a nice try,but distracting him by talking isn't going to work.

I give him a nod of appreciation of his craft. I try to race him and down the drinks as quickly as possible,but he is always there with a new glass. Soon the drinks of 85% alcohol start to really affect me. "Joe..." I hear myself slur heavily." You work here long?" if I am accurate with my count,this is my 23rd glass. With the weight of my head and the world spinning around me...Joe may win this battle.

"Since about 1988,miss kobayashi " Joe answers back. That's a long time to be a bartender in a strip club. My drinking skills are no match for such dispensing skills. I am about to compliment him on his experience when the world flings to one side and my face is on the ground.the floor of this bar is amazingly clean. I caress the floor and laugh loudly. " you keep a fine bar" I compliment Joe. But what my ears hear isn't what I'm saying. What I hear is an unitelligAble mess of words. Trying to stand is totally out of the question,my arms are limp and it's like my head is nailed to this very clean floor. Soon I see juro standing over me with w wide grin on his face.

" see? This is just what you needed,right!" he sAys in a joviAl tone. It must be really early morning as the club is near empty. How long was I drinking for? Juro laughs heartily and motions for the two men who earlier were standing in his office. "Make sure she gets home safely.if anything happens to her,its your asses." he warns them.

"You're a good man,juro. Thank you for a wonderful evening,thank you for your time. And thank Joe. Give That man a raise" I slur out. To make sure Joe gets a raise,I dump my wallet out on the ground.there is several hundred thousand yen in it. I don't carry a purse. Purses aren't cute.well,they kind of are,but I'd forget mine if I carried one. Wallet on chain for me.

Juro stoops down and shakes his head. He probably didn't understand a word I said." sleep it off,Hitomi." he says,kissing me on the forehead. Its then the sensation of being lifted from the floor and whisked outside. ....yup.it's morning.the Sun isn't being kind to my eyes. Fuck it's bright.

Crack! The feeling of something hard hitting my bead wakes me up. "The fuck?! " I shout,throwing the covers off of me. These covers are from my bed at home,not the duke. After dropping that girl off at Juro's for her shift,I came to my house house to sleep,not the duke. I paw around the folds of my blanket to locate what had hit me.

" will you please call Mariko,for the love of god? She's been ringing me until my bleeding ears are about to fall off" the familiar,and not at all soothung cockney gilded words of Nina greet me. Nina lives with me here in Japan. She says it's to help out,but we all know the real reason,it's a lot closer to Korea than England...and the duke is creepy with just two people living on it. Erich spends months at a time alone on it.I honestly don't know how he does it.

"Keep your hair on,grandad." I mock nina's accent back to her. She sticks her tongue out and leans against my doorway,probably to make sure I actually call mariko and not go back to sleep. I dramatIcally dial Mariko's number and equally dramatically Greet her when she answers,why hello Mariko. How are you today,our good friend Nina requires me to call you." Nina gives me the finger and walks off. You can tell we are best friends since 95% of the time we act like total bitches to each other. If Chloe would give us the same treatment back,maybe we would like her more.

"Don't." Mariko says sternly to me,which is a big damper on the fun Nina and I were having.

"Too late,I already called you." I giggle before laying in the bed,swinging my feet in the air. Ugh.I need to paint my toenails,the aqua paint is starting to chip." now what's so important?"

I can hear Mariko breathe sharply out of her nose before speaking, "juro called me. I swear to god if she is not ok,I will never forgive you." she hisses. Mariko has three settings: timid,putting on a brave face,and call a coroner. Her tone implies it's the third..and it's not even the final form.

"So she just gets away with it,and we're just supposed to take it?" I ask. I can't believe that we have the means to make sure Mariko Is never hurt without repercussions ever agsin,and she isn't going to take it?! Bullshit.

" there is no WE,Hitomi. There is ME. Vara didn't leave you. She left ME. And you know what?! I'm fucking fine with it. I move on like an adult. Juro told me he refused you.what? Are you going to do it?! " Mariko says loudly,causing the phone's audio to clip. I hate when she talks to me like she knows better than I. Can't she realize I am only trying to help?

"Mariko." I start patiently, "yes I would. " I leave it at that. Nothing more needs to be said. She is my sister and she is where my loyalty lies. Even if She can't see it.

Mariko is silent for a moment on the phone. "Why is this so personal to you?" it was a genuine question. There was no other inflection in her voice. She just wanted to know...how could she not know?! She should be blaming me every day for what hAppened to her and I was no where to be seen.

" because I wasn't there for you when you needed me! When You were getting the shit kicked out of you,where was I?" I cry in to the phone. Man I wish there were still land lines,I'd really like to play with the cord now.

Mariko sniffles a little before replying. I know its a touchy subject,one Mariko and I have never really spoken of. " Hitomi...you didn't know. Nobody knew."

"I should have known! I am your sister. What kind of sister abandons the other in her time of need? A piss poor one!" I interrupt her. I know she blames me,she is juSt too kind to say It.

"Are our parents piss poor? Is jigen? The only piss poor one was Tim. He was the one that kept me from everyone. He was the one hitting me. Nothing can change what happened. " Mariko states calmly. I can't believe it, I am the one crying and she is the one calming me down. Why am I So fucking weak! I silently fume at her refusal to accept what I'm willing to do,and I fume at my weakness. Why am I not more like Mariko? When I am still silent,Mariko continues. " Hitomi. Vara and I had some really wonderful times. What hAppened cant change that. What you want to do ,it won't change what hAppened. Think about it,do you feel any more closure about what hAppened to natalya? Did it bring her back?" Mariko says with near infuriating calm.

But...she is right. Nothing was better afterwards. The murder didn't bring me any justice. It didn't bring natalya back. It didn't even absolve me of guilt."...you are right,Mariko." I say quietly and wipe my eyes with my free hand.

" we are millionaires and the toast of Osaka,why are you so grumpy?! In a few days,you'll have a taki Chan with you. Jesus Christ." Mariko says with a laugh. I love Mariko's laugh,her real and unguarded laugh is something to behold.it is loud and infectious. Its also really high pitched,so she is extremely self conscious about it.it was also deadly effective at changing subjects.

"Oooh,how is my little chunky monkey ?" I ask,wishing I had her with me. It probably wasn't healthy,but I needed takara with me. The responsibility of being a mother left little time for anything else. Things like murder schemes. Could I have really gone through with that? The scary truth Is: probably.

Mariko laughs again before answering," it's very late, so she is sleeping. But she isn't ready to come home. You know aunt Mariko spoils her taki." Mariko was right. People only think I treat that child like a princess. Mariko takes it to tlc reality show territory. "Hitomi.I love you.but please. No more stupid shit. You are...well,a few minutes older than I am. Too old for playing righteous vengeance."

I sigh and pull the covers around me,trying to block out the world. "I love you too,Mariko.no more." I promise my sister.

Mariko yawns and I hear a soda can open. "Goodnight,Hitomi " she says warmly. I don't know why Mariko opens sodas and never drinks them before bed. I guess she thinks that signs movie is real,and aliens will be warded off by soda.

I hang up and turn over on my back and look at my ceiling.why couldn't I just let things roll off my back like Mariko? Why did I have this overwhelming feeling that I could and should save the world. I couldn't even visit Japan for years because felt responsible for my parent's deaths. They died in the big Tsunami many years ago.I felt responsible for Mariko's abuse.I felt (and still know I am) responsible for natalya's death. Only jigen do I Not feel guilty of. Maybe it's because I was young when it happened? Why is there so much death in my life?

Nina walks back in and sits on my bed. She picks up one of my feet and starts tapping the toes with her nails. Its weird,but it's what She does. " so what was that about,love? It sounded intense."

I look out my window and ponder telling Nina. Telling her everything. The only one who knew the extent I would go for revenge was Mariko. Its not that I didn't trust Nina,it's just Mariko was my sister. "Nothing. Just sister stuff.you know how sibling rivalry is." I lie. The whole story of that time in my life was for another time. I'd tell Nina when the time was right.

After a good showr and some orange juice,I made the drive over to the house.I say the house rather than my house,Nina lives there too. We've lived together for so long,it just seems normal to keep doing it. Hopefully she says nothing about what she saw earlier,but ....we all know Nina.
About 20 minutes later,I pull into the driveway. When I call the house a palace,I mean it. It is fucking huge,even by american standards. I wanted takara to have space to play,and this place doesn't disappoint. Inside,it's just as traditional looking as the outside. I think the realtor said the house was built in 1860,then slightly remodeled after the war. But I love all the dark wood and stone inside. It feels secure,it feels safe. I sleep ok here. I still have the same nightmares I always have in Japan: walking along the beach and finding my parents bodies. Sometimes natalya is with them,sometimes its just her eyes. I am a bit better about living in Japan now.I am up to being able to stay for about 3months at a time. Then the nightmares become too frequent and I have to leave.

I walk up the very worn wooden steps and try my key in the door. Its unlocked,so Nina is probably here. Sure enough,she Is. She's waiting in the kitchen,bottle of vodka in hand. She lights up when she spots me. I love Nina. She is so animated and hilarious.sometimes I really miss when we were lovers. But in reality,I think we both knew we were just friends who really liked to have sex with each other. " dish" she orders,patting the counter next to her. I guess she didn't forget about earlier. " love,it's been along time since I've seen that side of you." she adds with a chortle.

"What were you doing on the duke,you bitch?!" I ask her be for sitting beside her on the counter. I give her leg a playful smack.

Nina leans over as if she wants me to smack her ass and grins over at me. " well,love. I came for my phone charger,but stayed for the live sex show." she gives me the shame hand gesture.

" you did not!" I say in surprise and almost aghast. I remember closing my eyes and assuming Nina left....I didn't know for sure! "You could have joined ,you know. We'd never tell mikki " I tell her with a long and slow wink. We both know that would never happen. Much like with erich,Nina and I tried being together after her marriage failed. It was just as awkward and we never spoke of It again.

"Good god no,I didn't stay. I have no urge to see amateurs." Nina says in her miss haughty tone. Being British,it sounds exceptionally snobby...even in her cockney accent.

"I got paid for big brother,so I AM a professional." I giggle back to her. It took time,but I'm finally ok with what happened on that show. I can hold my head up knowing that people saw me on there. Not a put on of an act,or playing to a persona. That was me. Nina laughs and motions like she knows I'm avoiding her initial question. " she's just some groupie." I tell Nina and pour myself a screwdriver. "Just some fun for a few weeks until takara comes back." I'm pretty excited about this and am really looking forward to having her again. I may not be a great mom,but I enjoy doing it.

Nina smirks and holds up her phone. " GGeist,I presume?" she asks this in the best posh Dr Livingston,I presume voice...or it's just her natural voice. Its hard to tell with Nina. She floats between chimney sweep and duchess levels of refinement.

I nod slowly. "Her name is Gretchen geist" I explain. I really wished Gretchen would have taken that bit about my house up with me privately. Fucking young people,everything had to be public.

Nina take a a long drink of my drink. Bitch. " you don't even bring her to your own bed?! Erica I'm disappointed in you. That's kind of cold." she says this almost accusingly,but I know she isn't serious.

" you're drinking after me? you have a good idea what I was just doing." I tell Nina with a smirk.

Nina shrugs and keeps drinking. "Alcohol kills most germs,love. Science 101." She tells me this and hands the drink back to me. " seriously,love. A groupie wouldn't be hurt that you haven't brought her to your house. " Nina continues. I really don't want to have this conversation. I don't need Nina In my business.

" you've been monogamous for too long,my friend." I laugh and get up to clean the house. There really isn't anymore to say. Nina doesn't remember What it's like. People like the idea of you,they have no interest in the you that cleans the house,washes dishes and checks the mail. People like Gretchen want rock and roll fantasy. Which I'm happy to provide for a few hours at a time.

It was strange being back in the old apartment ada and Erich lived in. Did they fight a lot in here? Did ada use the kitchen knives to cut herself? I do wonder what ever became of her.I know she isn't dead,because I've seen pics of her with some guy named Jimmy. I may be biased towards Erich,but what the Fuck ada?! This jimmy guy looks like the dad from rug rats. Stu? Oh well.if she was going to leave Erich,she may as well had one fling with me. ...maybe i do have some sort of fetish for girls with big breasts. Or just girls period. Honor is very modest in the chest area,but I'm just saying: if there ever was a drunken moment of fooling around with her,I wouldn't complain.

I've tucked takara into bed an hour or so ago and have the house to myself. Its a weird sort of place. It looks like an Ikea fucked captain Spaulding's chicken place. Simple Scandinavian design,with loads of tacky nicnaks everywhere. Bored,I pick up an ewok and and start playing with them. " why.are.you.looking at me..like that? You want a.piece of.me?" I make captain Kirk say in my best William Shatner voice. " don't..think.because you.are...covered in hair...I won't Fuck. You like.a Klingon." I say with a giggle. I'm really the most entertaining person I know.if you can't entertain yourself,who can you entertain? My phone vibrates against the finest Swedish Formica countertop.it moves across the counter and knocks over my ewok. I think this means I have seven years bad luck or something. Looking at the scree n,its the same number that has been calling me all day. It has to be a wrong number,only about 7 people have my number. I let it ring,I have no interest in telemarketing. I don't care if I will help out by participating in an important survey...unless its about hello kitty. We can all use more hello kitty in these trying times. Soon my text message thing goes off. I have it set to black lace's 'agadoo'. Mainly because it drives Nina nuts. Really,she throws something at me each time it goes plAys. I actually really like the song. I think she hates it because she said one time that she lost her virginity to that song....weird choice,but whatever. Mine was 'rock you like a hurricane' by the scorpions. Now THATS a proper song to become a woman to.
I peek at the phone and see the message,its from that number. It just reads: "its Gretchen. Please pick up.I really need to talk to you."

Ugh.this bitch. Who does she think she is? She has some nerve poking around after that sailor moon picture. Why would she do such a thing?? I'll also have to find out how she got my number.sure enough,the phone rings again. I let it ring a few times before I really decide to answer it. Curiosity is driving this more than anything else. " how'd you get this number?" I answer as bitchy as I can. Which for this hour of day,is pretty bitchy.

" um...hi..its me." she starts. She sounds rather timid and weak. This Will be a short conversation,so I cut her off.

"The number,Gretchen. How did you get it?" I answer back in the same way biff says 'hello,mcfly.'.

I hear her take a small breath before speaking. "Erich gave it to me." she says with a newly displayed defiant streak. Maybe she wasn't just going to roll over.I don't doubt this is true. Erich probably assumed he was doing me a favor by giving Gretchen my number. Note to self,change number.

I get up and walk out onto the balcony. This could get loud and I don't want to wake takara. I leave the glass door's curtains open so she can see me if she wakes up. The New York night is rather muggy. Like real muggy. I take the rubber band off my wrist and put my hair up into a pony tail. The breeze feels good on my neck. " ok....what do you want? I thought you made it abundantly clear how you felt. Good job on the sailor moon costume. My parents died in a tsunami,you want to dress up as a bloated and drowned corpse?" I snap at her. If she wanted to play, I will play.

" Erica,that's part of why I'm calling you. I really took things too far.like...waay too far. I'm sorry. Its just you hurt me so badly." she says in what sounds like a sincere voice. There were several times I wanted to cut her off,Ridicule her,hopefully make her cry....but no. Oddly enough a throw away comment by queen Alexis came to mind and I don't even remember the exact wording. But it was something to the effect of :why are You so mean? What happened to the sweet Erica?

Queen Alexis of all people ,is right.I've let this world turn me into some one who is just awful. I can be an adult and accept an apology. I mean,it's not like she had to seek me out and verbally apologize. " you know what,Gretchen? Its fine. Water under a bridge.I accept your apology. Now how do you think I hurt you? Because honestly? I don't see how I did." there. It doesn't feel as good as cutting someone else down,but I feel more productive.

"Oh!" Gretchen says in surprise. I guess She didn't expect it to go that easy. i didnt either,i was super pissed when i first found out about it.i had at least a dozen truly evil things i wanted to say to gretchen,but after she apologized...i just dont have the urge to. maybe this is how i can redeem myself to an imaginary natalya. maybe its time i stop being such a selfish little bitch. "well..when i learned you had a house and you never took me there. i felt used and,well more than a little cheap." gretchen's voice too seems almost disarmed. she was obviously expecting a fight too.

a simple question with many facets to the answer. none of which are going to be pleasant to say or to hear. so i choose the most simple and easy to explain answer. "i dont know you,gretchen. im sorry,but i am not going to take strangers to my house. my daughter sleeps there." i tell her carefully,at this point im walking around the balcony while i speak to her. i never could just SIT and talk on the phone.

gretchen is quiet for a little while on the other end of the phone. like i said,i know it wasnt the best thing to tell someone. "you never even tried to get to know me." she says this very quietly and very sadly. ouch,that was hard to hear. but what was her deal? im pretty sure she enjoyed just being sex partners as much as i did.

"not to sound mean,but i can say the same about you.i was under the impression that...THAT was what you wanted." i say in the most non confrontational voice i can muster. which is hard when you are basically saying that you thought someone wanted to be your groupie. i should really go back inside,its hot and im starting to sweat out here. and that isnt cute.


"how could i not know you? you're only the most famous musician in japan." she says as if this is perfectly logical. i can see where she is coming from,a lot of people seem to feel they know a celebrity ,but truthfully,they know a character. yes,im an open book for the most part,but there is still very much an erica hess and a hitomi kobayashi." that first morning was such a mistake." gretchen says and i can almost picture her shaking her head. "that set the tone for everything afterward. trust me,that wasnt my plan at all! i was merely staying there overnight to make sure you were ok. you know,you had a...bit to drink the night before.i've had a crush on you since,forever. there you were and...i just went for it." she says the last part very fast,i guess like anyone would do when confessing a crush in such a situation as this

i sigh,and i know its very audible. "you dont know me. you know things about me,yes. but you dont know me." i try to explain without sounding mean. god,i dont want to sound meaner than i've already acted to this poor girl. resemblance to natalya aside.which is basically just she is caucasion,blonde and has breast implants, i did really like her. she was funny and seemingly very kind. "yeah...i kind of got caught up in the moment too." i say,now playing with my ponytail. it did take two to tango,and we had a perfect storm of misunderstanding brewing.

gretchen thinks for a little while before agreeing. "yeah,i guess you are right. i really dont know you." its like saying this takes all the energy out of gretchen and she falls silent. there we were,on phones on opposite ends of the planet,silent. it was really awkward. someone should break the silence,i would give anything for some huge worldwide fart or something to break this weird silence. should i just hang up? quickly make up the excuse my battery is dying (which it kind is. pokemon go is a batter slayer.)

nope. fantastic sex aside,i really enjoyed gretchen's company. lets face it,im not getting any younger,and my days of being attractive are dwindling...yeah right,i'll be hot until at least 60.i still get carded in the usa for buying booze! i give a loud smack of my lips and take the first step. "gretchen,my name is hitomi kobayashi,and im pleased to meet you.".

"what?" i hear gretchen say quietly on her end of the phone. then she realizes what it is im trying to say. "very pleased to meet you ,miss kobayshi. gretchen allin,at your service.". jeez,her name really is gg allin. ill have to find this story out later. but for now? i'll settle for a do over of this relationship.

Ooc: that conversation won't be continued.it was basically just pointless exposition to Nina. Off screen we'll just assume Nina knows all about everything. Evntually Nina agreed with Erica,even if she has reservations about Gretchen.




Things have been going swimmingly with Gretchen. I think...I think I love her. Yeah,I know I fall in love quickly. But I really don't think I've been wrong yet. Well,not in the big picture at least. I don't think love at first sight is reAl. That's lust. ( we have our share of that too. I think the sex has really gotten better since our making this a real relationship.) but you can tell pretty quickly if you love someone or not.at least I can. I haven't told Gretchen that I love her. I don't want to seem like a nut.

Tonight we went out for steaks and some drinks. The place we went to was perfect.it was the sort of that older people went to and was very quiet. It was sort of the anti Osaka that Gretchen and I knew. We had a few drinks,so we took a taxi home.back to the lust thing I mentioned earlier,we were all over each other in thAt taxi...tastefully though.we weren't going at it,but it was clear what was going to happen when we got out of that taxi. Its a small wonder that we didn't,we both seem to be exhibitionists. We had the taxi drop us off at Gretchen's apartment.

Her building was typicAl of many apartment buildings. This particular one wasn't too tall ,painted a non descript cream color and was probably built in the 1980s. We managed to get in the elevator with about 5 other people. The elevator was one of those tacky ones with mirrors everywhere.I managed to squeeze myself into a corner while Gretchen stood beside me. As we stood and waited for her floor,I felt her pinkie link with mine. She looks over at smiles at me. Gretchen was very quiet when she was around more than a couple of people. The rest of the people in the elevator spoke of mundane things. Work,school,the weather. Well one guy did seem to be having an affair. He told someone on the phone that he was still at work.lies! It was pretty funny how everyone glared at him.
Eventually we got to Gretchen's house. Second floor from the top . apartment C.

" ok.you'll have to excuse the mess. I hate putting things away." Gretchen explains while fiddling with the lock. The way She says this over her shoulder and her tone implies take It or or leave it, this is how she lives. I couldn't care less. Well,as long as she isn't a hoarder or the mess is biological. I don't mind stuff being everywhere. But that "stuff" I uneaten food or animal poop? I am out of there.

" please. I have a child. Its been almost 3 years since I've had a clean house." I reply to her,smacking her butt playfully. With a final key fiddle and a creak,the door was open. I like to think my butt smack helped things along. I know it helped me! I love butt smacking. They are just so....touchable.

Inside,Gretchen's house is indeed messy. But not like in a slob sort of way. She just had A LOT of Shit packed into this tiny apartment. her house looked like a comic store jizzed in a closet. There were action figures,manga books,Rolled up posters, bits of model...things(?) plushes of all sorts of creatures,and at least 6 different video game systems on a tiny,free standing , shelf. " home sweet home. " she announces loudly and pulling me inside. Ok,I really thought the names of akira characters were as deep as her nerdhood went....oh I was wrong. " you want a drink,hitomi?" she offers,opening her refrigerator.

I loved hearing my name from her mouth. It sounded slightly softer than every other word she spoke." no thanks,I'm not really thirsty." I reply to her and pick up some manga book and flip through it....oh! Its one of THOSE kinds!

Gretchen lets out a little sigh of relief. " thank god you didn't want anything. I Just have a single can of Pepsi.I really need to go shopping." Gretchen laughs and opens the drink.it makes a little hiss sound and she takes a drink. Her eyes bug out and She dives over to take the book from my hand. " THATS NOT MINE!! I was just...holding it for someone" she giggles in embarrassment.

I dance around,trying to keep it from her,but can't. Her arms are s bit longer than mine,So keep away isn't an option. " you don't have tentacle moNsters in here,do you?! " I tease her loudly as she finally snatches her book back.

" I'll thank you to leave my sex toy drawer out of this,thank you very much. "Gretchen giggles and smacks my butt with the book. I shriek with surprise as she smacked me pretty hard.

I try to find my own weapon to smack her back,but only action figures are within reach. I like Gretchen,so I'm not going to give her a plastic goku upside the head.so I do the next best thing,I snatch her Pepsi and quickly drink over half of it,finishing with a smack of my lips. " it's so refreshing. Yum yum yum! " I say with all the subtlety of a Michael bay film.

Gretchen looks genuinely shocked that I drank her drink. She looks at the book in her hand and back to the now near empty Pepsi. " you little bitch. I am sooo thumbing you in the ass!" she counters,giving me a little shove into her bedroom.

The apArtment was small,so it was easy to shove someone Anywhere you wanted theme kitchen,bathroom,bedroom,balcony. All within easy each. Gretchen's bedroom looked the same as the rest of the dwelling. The theme seemed to be more legend of Zelda than anime in here though. But the arrangement of things made it seem more coincidence than anything else. Her bed was a small one,but looked very soft and inviting. I expected character sheets,but there were just blue and white plaid ones.as soon as we're down on The bed,her hands are in my shirt. I love it. As you may notice,I'm very self conscious about my chest. Not enough to have surgery though. Mainly because I'm scared of getting a bad boob job like Suzie. But to have someone like Gretchen,who lets face it,has a great boob job pay attention to what I have?! Take me fucking now!

Well,you can guess where things went From here. It was hot,it was passionate,but also very sweet. And no,she didn't really thumb me in the ass! She used her middle finger,it was longer. I kid ! I kid! It was about 10 minutes after all the wild stuff and we are just lying on her bed. Gretchen is on her back and I'm sort of curled beside her,my head resting close to her neck. Which is good,as its in optimal kissing range. "I..." I nearly tell her that I love her.I honestly feel so close to her right now. But I don't say it,I'm too scared. " gretchy,you know if you want a bigger place," I start and before I can finish,Gretchen cuts me off.

"I'm not a pet,hitomi. I don't need taken care of." she says simply,now turning on her side and facing me. This takes me by surprise as I really don't know where it's coming from. I thought we were having a nice time.

" I...never said you were. " I answer her,now turning on my side to face her.this gives about 2 inches of bed between us.

" You kind of treat me like one sometimes. I don't like when you offer to buy things or try to get me to stay home from work." Gretchen speaks,sounding very hurt.

" I'm...sorry. I just want the best for you.I was just trying to help." I tell her softly. I never thought of it like how she is saying. I thought I was helping. Really,is it so wrong to want to use the good luck you've had and help other people?

Gretchen furrows her brow and looks downward. " well it doesn't help. It makes me feel like Shit. I don't want a car from you ,I don't want a bigger place from you,I want you. That's it.I told you the first time,I want to be equals in this relationship." she says this while almost glaring at me.I don't know why she is So pissed off at me.

" but there is literally no reason for you to work!" I say in amazement. Why would anyone want to work?! I can easily support about 40 people in quite extravagant lifestyles.

Gretchen sighs angrily and turns over,now facing away from me. " ugh. You aren't getting it! I.do.not.want.to.be.dependant.on.you.or.anyone. I moved here from Austria with nothing.I don't have much,but what I have is mine." she says in frustration. Her back heaves with the breaths she is taking. " you can stay the night if you wish. If my fuckin hovel doesn't offend you,that is." she says this with finality and pulls the covers over her naked body. Did I mention this argument was taking place while we were naked?

I lay on my back,trying desperately not to touch Gretchen. Its hard,because this is a twin sized bed. I am silent as I listen to the occasional tick of her ceiling fan. I go over what Gretchen said In my head. I guess I never considered how fiercely independent she was. It took balls to move all the way across the world to a place where you knew no-one. She did that and has thrived. Japan is not a cheap place to live,nor are all these collectibles she owns. I really wasn't trying to insult her. It really hurts knowing that I did. Its starting again...every time I try to help,I just hurt people. " I'm sorry,Gretchen." I tell the back her body. I turn and face her,attempting to put my arm around her waist. At first,I didn't think Gretchen was going to let me. She keeps her arm clenched tightly to her side. Eventually She loosens up and lets my arm wrap around her. Her breathing still feels very upset. " I am sorry. I didn't mean to insinuate that I think you NEED my help.or that you want anything from me. " I tell her softly.

I feel Gretchen sigh before turning over to face me. Her eyes weren't exactly wet. But they looked like they could be at any moment. She looks into my eyes and then to where my tattoos just start. "I guess this makes us even?" she asks with a small laugh. At first,I really don't know what she is talking about,but then I remember: the sailor moon incident. I guess we still have some boundaries to work out.

I nod and lean in to kiss her cheek.she turns her face at the last moment and I get her lips. " kiss me on the mouth. We aren't just friends." she laughs warmly.we hold each other close and enjoy the moment. Another tiff has came and went. This could really work.
"I still owe you a Thumb in the ass." she whispers into my ear.

I hate this. The only sound on the bus is the drone of the diesel engine. Ingrid hates having the radio on while she drives. I thjnk the radio waves fuck with her sensors or something. Nobody is saying anything since the sour mood hanging in the air is almost able to be grabbed. I'd imagine it would feel slightly more firm than Jell-O but not as firm as play dough. It would definitely smell like Jell-O.

I pop another Vicodin in my mouth and swallow it dry. I've done this enough where i dont need a drink. Shortly afterward,i hear a judgmental sigh come from the direction of Gretchen. I just turn and look out the window. Her grumpiness has really made this tour a chore. The foul mood grows in palpability. I'd say it's went to near tennis ball material.and pulsating.
" Pulling over for lunch. This little cafe looks adorable. They claim to have the best food in town.i can't see an establishment just saying that for the hell of it." Ingrid announces before slowing the bus and turning into the parking lot.

Ingrid is right,its a cute little place. The sort of place where the tea will be super sweet and perfect. The building is white painted wood and sits right on the beach. The signs are garish,as most thjngs in Korea tend to be,but in a really cute way. So i give it a pass.

"Thank God." Nina says before gathering her things. Nina's purse....I find it a true sign of where we are in life,the thing must have cost her thousands. When I first met Nina,if something didn't fit in her pockets,she didn't carry it. It's possible mikki bought it for her. It certainly fit her...."style". Nina ,Chloe and Ingrid get off the bus,while all three give me a look that says: "fix this,or we're burying you on this beach." They didn't even bother asking if we wanted anything. I almost join them,mainly to hear Nina order food in Korean. Its hilarious because she's really good at it...I assume. I don't speak it,but everyone seems to understand her. She has even won an argument in Korean. That's when you know you can speak a language well....now I wonder if she speaks Korean when she's fucking mikki.

Now alone on the bus, Gretchen and I sit on opposite sides of the small sitting area of the bus. If things weren't so tense right now,it would be cute how we both are sitting with our arms crossed.
Gretchen looks me in the eyes and waits for me to speak first. Fat chance of that. I can do this all day. I stare her right back in the eyes. Still,she doesn't flinch. The longer I stare at her,the more awkward this feels. Finally I have to speak. Not because she outwilled me,but because we're wasting time.i have better things to do than stare at people. " What?" I ask her,breakjng the silence and eye contact.

"What." She repeats.she uses a tone that implies I just said the stupidest thjng ever uttered by a person. " Are we just going to forget about last night? " She asks calmly and crosses her legs. Her voice is calm,but her actions aren't.

" I already have." I say nonchalantly. I draw my knees up under me and pick at the material of the small couch. these pills are taking too long go take effect. I think I was sold Percocets instead. Fuck. those things are basically useless.

Gretchen is quiet for probably a good two minutes or so. Her eyes move from my eyes down to my shoulders and back again. " What is wrong with you?" She finally asks. " Like ,seriously. What is wrong with you?" She asks in almost an offhanded way.

" What's wrong with me?" I ask,this time being my turn to repeat a question. " Nothing is wrong with me. I like to have fun when it presents itself. Don't be a stick in the mud, Gretchen." I reply with a little chuckle. If people would just let go once in while,the world would be a happier place. I'm just trying to help Gretchen out.

Her eyebrows instantly dart down and bounces her left foot in the air. " Are you not happy unless someone hates you? This is an ugly sside of you,hitomi,and I don't like it." She shakes her head and crosses her arms a little tighter around herself. before I can reply,she speaks again. " And what the hell was that last night? A test? Are you really trying to see how far you can push me?? Trust me,its not as far as you think."

I roll my eyes at Gretchen. " Yes.i just love when people hate me,gretchen. That's why I brought you along on this tour. I wanted you to hate me and make things really awkward for everyone." I tell her sarcastically. I can't stand when people assume they know the reason why I do things. " Last night was supposed to be a bit of fun. That's all it was. You read too much into things" I explain and turn slightly away from Gretchen.

" I honestly don't know which is worse,the bullshit you say,or the fact you seem to believe it." She snaps at me. At this point she stands up and paces the aisle of the bus. "You don't even realize what you do. How many times have I told you to be nice? If you don't have enemies,you make them. now you're trying to make me dislke you?" Gretchen asks, flinging her arms out.

I turn and glare at Gretchen. I really want to fire back with a good zinger,but nothing comes to mind. I merely sit and glare are her, then towards the ground. I feel like I will cry if i look at Gretchen. I can feel the heat starting to spread from my ears. Im going to start crying at any minute and I will look weak.

Gretchen stops her pacing and stands slightly in front of me,but not directly. Its like she is purposely not boxing me in. " The truth hurts, doesn't it?" She asks gently,and not in the triumphant way she could. She sighs softly and sits on the far end of my couch. " Hitomi,you are both the best and worst person i have ever met. " She stops and just lets this statement hang in the air.

I feel myself nod slightly. The heat from my ears is now in my cheeks..I can see my vision getting blurry. Its going to start and I can't stop it,so I just keep focused on the floor. If i dont see her,she can't see me. Right? I don't know why I do what I do. Is this my defense mechanism? Fuck things up and then I don't have to worry how it turns out? I couldn't even tell you why i did what I did last night. I did want to see just how much Gretchen would take before she said no more. In a weird and twisted way....I enjoyed knowing I was pushing too far. I am an awful person. I know I wouldn't have done anything if people were in that hotel room. It was merely to prove a point to Gretchen. With every bit of my being holding back tears,i apologize to Gretchen. " I'm sorry. I ....really don't even know why i treated you so. " I tell her, wincing when I hear my voice crack.

gretchen shakes her head before looking up at the bus' ceiling. i dont know if she is being polite and not looking at me,disgusted and cant look at me,or really thinking what she is going to say next. "no. you dont get to do this. this is exactly what you wanted. you push push and push,then when you hit the slightest resistance? you instantly back down and everything is supposed to be ok? fuck you. we're discussing this,or we arent. there is no half assing this." gretchen states. states is the best word for her style of doing verbal battle. she doesnt really raise her voice or even sound angry. it always seems to be such a maddening calm of pure logic. which is really odd,since she is usually a ball of energy. "just be honest. tell me why. saying i dont know isnt an answer. you're a mother. you know this as well as any." she says with a half smile and picks up one of the pillows. she places it on her lap and wraps her arms around it.

confused,i sit there and look at gretchen. i dont even want to cry anymore. im too busy trying to find an answer to her question. it really feels like i am back in school and the teacher has called on me when i wasnt paying attention. "well..." i start slowly. "at first i really wanted you to feel the absolute freedom that touring gives. then when you seemed to want no part in it..i felt kind of ashamed and didnt use the most constructive way of letting you know." i say,in a surprisingly calm voice. i am not religious,but sometimes i think this woman could be the Buddha.

"see? was that so frickin hard?" gretchen asks,kicking my foot. "listen,i agreed to the first time just to experience it. it was weird,i hated it. i am never,ever doing it again. i felt dirty and nasty afterwards. i tried telling you,but you wouldnt listen. i dont know if it is because of the..,or what." she makes a little gesture like i should know what fills in the blank. we're on the harlots tour bus,i dont think anyone is going to care if she says drugs. this is the first time gretchen has mentioned my intake of chemicals. its not like this a big surprise to her. she certainly has partook of her share on this tour,so i know she isnt a prude. "that life. it isnt for me. if its what you want? fine.i will go home and leave you to it. but dont expect me to wait for you." gretchen says with finality.

it was odd how she could go from almost joking to basically telling me to choose between her and touring hijinks. it wasnt much of a choice. i've given it up before and would gladly give it up again.i give a little shrug and nod slowly. " of course i am going to say no to all that. i invited you along on the tour because i want you with me. i thought maybe you would like the decadence part of road life." i explain to her.

"fair enough.in the future? no more of ....that. you,me. that is it." gretchen states,waving her arms. "you are still avoiding the issue of still barging ahead after i made it clear i wasnt going to join you last night. i know for a fact you didnt do anything,i met the girls in the hotel bar. i spent a good bit of time playing air hockey with them,and waiting for you to come down that elevator. but you never did. did you really sit in an empty hotel room just to prove a point? god,hitomi. you are so fucking childish and desperate for negative attention." gretchen laughs when she says the last bit. and again,she isnt mean when she says this. its stated as mere observation.i turn beet red as its embarrassing. and true.

"well...i did clean out the mini bar." i offer up pathetically. the jig was up and i felt foolish. possibly the most foolish i have ever felt,and god knows i have made a career out of being foolish.

"ooh,watch out. we got a bad ass over here." gretchen says while mimicking the meme. granted,its not as funny when she does it,but she does make a pretty good neil degrasse tyson face. in spite of being female and not mustached. "seriously,hitomi. what the fuck? you arent a bad ass. you arent a bitch. you are a scared little girl hiding behind a facade. let it go." gretchen says while grabbing my hands. "let it gooooooo" she starts singing like the frozen girl.sometimes she really reminds me of honor. she is someone else who really understands me,and i mean the ugly little core of me that even i dont want to admit exists.

i furrow my brow and try to take my hands back from gretchen,but she has a pretty firm grasp on them.i give two more tugs,but she isnt letting go. in spite of previously singing to let it go. i finally just give up and let her hold my hands.

"you cant change how nicole treated you by becoming her." gretchen says with a small shake of her head. its a small sentence and a a small gesture,but if this was mortal kombat? FINISH HER would have previously flashed on the screen. if there was one thing we never spoke about,it was nicole. we had a few conversations about natalya. it was a given since she was takara's actual mother and i was married to her. hell,gretchen even insinuated she knew what happened in osaka prison. its possible,who knows what she overhears in juro's club. i forget a lot of times that that entire first...thing with nicole was very public knowledge. our battles were usually done in public forums and rarely behind closed doors.

i think i audibly gasped when she said this. i dont want to absolve myself of any blame,sure i can see my own actions through rose colored glasses. and probably have in this very account of my life,but...nicole set me on the course to be what i am. i gave so much of myself to her,only to be rejected, that i had to refill it somehow. bitterness is cheap and plentiful,so i chose that. use people before they use me and i will never look like an idiot again. i make several noises and glance from gretchen to the floor and back again. i cant even form words i am so flabbergasted she went there.
gretchen's eyes widen slightly. she knows she has went further than she should have. but her expression says she doesnt exactly regret it. it was something she felt had to be done. it wasnt right that this was falling on gretchen. i should have my shit together by now,but i dont. everything happened so fast. nicole,natalya being killed,becoming a mother,trying to kill myself,becoming a good mother,nicole leaving me....i never had time to process everything. "why are you here?" i finally ask her.at this point i couldnt help but assume she is a glutton for punishment and i am never going to be right again.

gretchen sighs and looks out the bus window. it feels like ages,but its only been about 20 minutes or so. a couple playing with a small pug on the beach catches her eye and she watches it for a bit before answering. " well...its going to sound super creepy. but:i loved you before we ever met.you need someone who at least knows what youve been through. i am willing to work with you if you work with me. in time,i think i could be a good step mom to your daughter. if it doesnt work between us,so be it. i will at least know i tried." she says with a small shrug. in a way,she is right. it does sound really creepy and more than a little weird. but...on the other hand? is she really wrong?

Gretchen's gasps become further apart and she loosens her death grip on my hair. Another successful kitty kissing by Hitomi kobayashii. Thank you,cum again. I really hope my kitty is half as pretty as Gretchen's. Is that weird to think? Her's looks so perfect that it could be a mass produced sex toy and we would make millions. It is just soooo kissable.I give it one final and long lick before Gretchen squeezes my head with her thighs before pushing me away.
" Fucking stop! It tickles!" she giggles loudly.

" you like it,dirty girl". I tease her,now kissing her inner thighs and then her belly button. It's exhausting work being the best kitty kisser in osska,so I lay my head on Gretchen's stomach,giving it occasional kisses.

"Don't kiss my moles! You'll catch cancer or something." she shrieks,wrapping her legs around my back and squeezing.

"Great,now my boobs are wet,thanks to you." I laugh. She responds by squeezing me harder and grinding on my chest harder. I try to wriggle free,but she has me secured pretty well. I use a free hand to pinch her ass. She squeals in surprise and lets her legs loosen. I slide upwards on her body until we are face to face.

"Maybe you are just a messy eater. You need a bib?" Gretchen smiles,wiping my cheek with her finger. She kisses my arms which are on either side of her head before tasting her own finger. "It DOES taste like chicken." she says thoughtfully looking off into the distance.

Sex with Gretchen is always like this. We laugh as much as do anything else. Oh it's passionate as all get out. But we are always making each other laugh with something or the other.before I know what I'm doing,I look into Gretchen's eyes and whisper,"I love you." I've known it for awhile,but never wanted to be the first to say it. But I do. I Fucking love her like I've never loved anyone before. Yeah I know the inherent humor in that phrase. But I feel so connected with her. its really the closest i have ever came to the love i have for erich. most people would never understand the connection i have with him. the best way to describe it is: you meet your soulmate,but you really dont want to fuck them. closer than a sibling,but not quite a lover. i always found it hilarious that erich's ex wife thought i was the one to worry about,but paid no mind to karoliena. please,karoliena would have fucked erich again just to prove a point to ada. that point being there is nothing ada could have which karoliena couldnt take. like ive said before,karoliena is possibly the most beautiful person i have ever met. she knows she is hard to resist.

"I know." Gretchen says Cooley. But I can see the change in her eyes when I speak. They grow slightly larger and turn a slightly lighter green.* it really wouldnt be our style if she instantly got all weepy and touched over this. but the tiny changes in her face tells me all i need to know. she feels the same,but also didnt want to say it first.if i've learned anything in my life,its time can be absurdly short. get everything in while you can.

"Fuck you,star wars sucks." I quip back. Gretchen instantly rolls me over and is on top of me,her hands grasping the sides of my head. she leans down to kiss me, and what a kiss it is! it is soft but long.if it were at kitty level,i'd be climbing the walls right about now.

"get the fuck outta here with your star trek bullshit." gretchen replies looking into my eyes. i give her a little kiss on the chin and fold my arms behind my head. now it is her turn to lay her head on my stomach. when she does,i stroke her hair with my hands. i know it is a little wrong,but i cant help but think a little about natalya now. blonde hair between my fingers takes me back to those times.i do enjoy the sensation of gretchen lying on me. it displays being utterly comfortable with me. deep down,i know she has no reason to trust me. but i am glad she does.

"please. star wars is like the good fellas to star trek's godfather." i tell gretchen and let her blond locks fall from my fingers. she looks back up at me and kisses my belly button softly.

"i am not going to go into how wrong you are,hitomi." gretchen says,tracing the sinewy dragon that is tattooed on my chest. it takes up most of the skin of the front part of my body,with a samurai taking up most of my back. there is a certain intimacy that comes with this. only my closest friends have ever seen this dragon,only gretchen has ever touched it. in retrospect,i wish i never would have gotten my near full body tattoo. but i had to get my revenge on natalya's killer.i just had to. there is no reason he should get to live out the rest of his days while she didnt. im back to being just a figurehead of the yakuza,but i do agree with juro. it was not my calling in life. but im still marked as such,so what do i do? deal with it i guess. gretchen lightly circles my left nipple with her finger and all is forgotten. this moment is all that matters. "i love you too,hitomi." gretchen finally says.

this is all i wanted to hear. i have to fight back to hold in the tears. its the hardest thing ive ever done since lying about not having anything to do with the murder of natalya's killer. even if i really didnt have much to do with it. i mean,its not like i killed him,i just told someone else i would like him dead. that isnt so bad,right? it feels sooooo good to hear someone tell me that they love me. i dont even care about the sex part,this is what i crave.i just want someone to love me. someone to accept me,flaws and all. someone who wont give up on me and love me no matter what. this makes the whole gretchen and i thing seem so much more valid. i wrap my arms around gretchen and hold her close. this moment is perfect and i just want to hold her forever."i love you,gretchen." i repeat. its one of those things i just cannot say enough.

gretchen laughs and gives me a playful twist of both nipples.i give a slight yelp of pain. im not like our friends cassie and karoliena. my nips are NOT made of steel. in fact,i cant stand even a moderate bite on them. im a delicate fucking snowflake. for the most part,gretchen treats me as such. but she does like giving me the occasional nipple twist or hard bite. i welcome both sensations,of course. i like gentle,but do not care as long as its gretchen with me. "i would like to finally be given the chance to meet takara." gretchen says boldy. the tone she uses implies this is something she has wanted to ask for awhile. she was waiting for the right moment to ask,and this was her moment. i dont answer her right away. i make no illusions that i do not compartmentalize my life. takara.....takara is the final barrier of the wall i have i built around myself. to let gretchen in here is to accept her 100%. i really do not want bring people into my daughter's life to only have them vanish the next month. who can say what will happen years from now? what if gretchen and i are no longer together? i dont wantto have to explain that to takara. shes not a baby anymore,she WILL know.

it takes every bit of effort i have,every fiber of me wants to protect that one kernel of my life that nobody has access to.but i finally speak. "next time we are back in japan." i answer to gretchen. i dont know if she will ever realize the effort it takes of me to agree to this. i could give fuck all what happens to me. but to open up takara to possibly being hurt...that is a huge chance of my part. yes,getchen is a sweet person,a loving person...to me. is she ready to deal with the demands of a child?

i feel gretchen's hands slide under me,in the form of a hug around my waist. i dont know if she can feel my tension due to earlier question,or she just wants to hug me. but in any case,its greatly appreciated. "hitomi." she starts,looking me back in the eyes. "i wouldnt ask this if i wasnt ready,or if i thought you werent ready. we can do this." gretchen says brightly. i wish her optimism was contagious,but this is the one thing that i have that is all mine. for the most part,i keep takara away from most everything. she knows erich,nina,and mariko. but that is only because these are the three people i trust 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000%. is there really room for one more in the exclusive club?







* if they are different in pictures,it's because Gretchen is wearing contacts. She has green eyes here.
Back to top

"thank fuck!" I exclaim and fall heavily on the floor. The bare wood feels cool against my back. So I whip off my shirt and throw it in the corner of the room. Now the cool floor can really work it's magic on my sweaty back. I've been helping Gretchen move house all day long. She now lives about a 10 minute walk from my house. She actually lives next door to mariko now. I don't know what karoliena pays Gretchen,but it must be substantial. The entire summers time black and blues custom line is hand crafted by Gretchen. (The waiting list is months long!)The website seems to imply if you have to ask about cost,you can't afford it. craftsmanship and confidentiality have their prices,i guess. Even I haven't seen the client list, AND I'M DATING THEIR MANUFACTURER!!

Gretchen will now live nearby,but still a comfortable distance. We are in NO rush fo live together. I think I learned my lesson the last two times.nope. no more whirlwind romances for hitomi. Gretchen's new house is a newly built one. It looks very traditional Japanese....if somewhat streamlined. It must have been built by the same people who did mariko's. Three levels,very narrow,and lots of exposed wood kn the interior. Gretchen and I are in the top floor bedroom at the moment.the walls are a sort of beige with bamboo flooring. We have the windows open because the power isn't turned on yet. It's not exactly hot out,but without the windows open,it gets stuffy.


Gretchen follows suit and also lays on the floor. Though she takes up a position above my head. "Thank you so much for helping me move,hitomi. You're a lifesaver." Gretchen says. From the echo,it sounds like she must be face down on the floor. I look as far up as I can without Moving my head,but i can't see her.

"You're welcome...though you know,they have these guys that you pay money...and they will move all your shit!" I laugh to her. It's absurd that here I am: biggest music star in Japan, multimillionaire, tiny woman...and im spending my day moving big ass boxes and furniture.

I hear Gretchen snort like my suggestion is absurd. " I'll be damned if anyone is handling my stuff. They won't use love and gentle hands like we Do." She says with a hint of longing in her voice. Gretchen does love her stuff. 13 boxes. 13 boxes of just action figures! 2 boxes of stuffed toys, 4 boxes of shirts she never intends to wear. And God knows how many boxes of video game shit.

"I didn't handle the boxes with love...I faked it" i giggle up at her. The jiggling motion causes the skin of my back to rapidly stick and unstick to the floor. the sound is hilarious and we both start laughing.


" You whore! How could you??!" She says in mock horror. " My box of Thunderbirds figures thought you meant every step from the van to my front door. Lies!!!" She cracks up and playfully smacks the top of my head.

After a few minutes of just lying here,i know I don't want to get up. My muscles are getting stiff. So i guess I'll just lie here forever and Gretchen will just have to live around me. " May have been carrying Thunderbirds figures, but I was thinking about star trek figures" i say as catty as one can get when talking about the corny subject we are. it's times like this when I really realize how much I love Gretchen. We just click.

Before I know what's happening, Gretchen's face is staring into mine, upside down,but staring all the same. She makes this expression where her eyes look really wild and buggy,its the funniest thing. I giggle and wrap my arms around her neck. She kisses my forehead lightly before scowling, "wait..dont try To cute your way out of this!" " She tells me while wagging her finger.

I pout my lip out and look up at her. " But surely I can make it up to you, gretchie" i say in my Best I'm a bad girl voice. We need to christen this house after all. And there really is no time like the present.

"Oh I bet you can make it up to me.." Gretchen says, insinuating exactly what I'm hoping for. In seconds I feel her hands cup my breasts. Oh yes! Dirty floor sex...well not that the floor is dirty, it's actually rather clean. She gives my nipples a good pinch and then smiles down at me. " All this and more after food and a shower." She says with a smirk. She knows exactly what she does to me.

" Aw...can't it Wait?" I whine. I'm nearly always frisky,at least around Gretchen. Also, being told to wait does nothing for my ego. Am I not attractive enough to be more interesting than food? I must be losing my touch in my old age.

Gretchen hops to her feet. She must be in far better shape than I. I still feel like I'm dead from All the exercise. Glancing up at Gretchen,its obvious she is in far better shape than I....and it's obvious she's wearing pink striped undies. I can totally see up the leg of her shorts, since she is standing over me now. "Nope" she says brightly,shaking her head. This causes her ever present pig tails to smack her in the face. " There is no way I'm doing any fucking unless I'm clean as a whistle." She pulls her shirt over her Head and tosses it on me. it is a bit sweaty,but still smells like her perfume. " And I'm soooo hungry." Gretchen whines. Her whine voice is nearly as good as mine. We can be some whiney people. she is Gretchen geist allin, and I'm hitomi Kobayashi. Together we are wyny pyeople ...that's a reference nobody will get. Wait? How would anyone hear this reference...unless they are reading my mind.

" Enjoy that cold shower." I tell Gretchen,slowly pulling myself to my feet. The cracks and pops from my body try to kill the mood and tell how horribly out of shape I am. Maybe I should take up stripping. Sliding down a pole has to be good for ones back.

Im on my hands and knees when i feel Gretchen sit on my back. She puts her Bra around my face and starts giggling," giddy up!" When i just laugh, she smacks my ass. Hard. " Giddy up,pony." This only makes me laugh harder. But I bounce up and down as much as I can. Lord,wbat Gretchen's neighbors will think of us...also,im starting to think karoliena is a bad influence on gretchie. " Whos a good pony? Yes you are." She starts saying in baby talk. "Oh yeah....no power means no hot water.
I guess you're coming too. We'll keep each other warm. Body heat and all that."

" Or we could go to my house.or even mariko's house. "I offer up. Im all for shower Time with Gretchen. But I hate cold water. Teeth chattering isn't sexy. It makes me think of those aliens. You know,the hr Geiger ones? Those teeth look all chattery to me.

"Nope. I'm already naked and placing the pizza order now." Gretchen says dismissively. I laugh hard at the mental picture of naked Gretchen riding me like a horse and ordering a pizza. It's absurd and probably only something that would happen to me. we make our way to the bathroom that is right outside the bedroom door. its a stark white room and since it hasnt been properly decorated yet,so nothing breaks up the monotony of white. it looks like it should smell heavily of bleach,but nope. it smells of lemon. i dont mind lemon too much. this cold ass shower should be really fun. theres no shower curtain and no towels. "ok. off with the clothes." gretchen chirps,turning the water on.

i'm shivering like a chihuahua. it isnt even that cold inside the house. its just sheer anticipation of the shower. " seriously,mariko is like right next door. we could stay there tonight and not have to bathe in ice water." i tell gretchen firmly.

"but i want to stay in my house. its the first night i own it and i dont want to miss that." gretchen whines at me. her whine is strong,like i've said before. before i know what's happening,gretchen pantses me (undies and all.) and shoves me in the shower. she probably was planning this. at least judging from her maniacal laughter.

"its fucking freezing!" i screech,trying to back away from the icy water hitting me. gretchen,just walks right in as if everything is fine. i cling to her in hopes of using her body to block the water. it wasnt even love at this point,it was self preservation.

gretchen gently hums as she washes herself. clearly,paying no attention to my ploy to avoid the water. "cold showers are good for you. it tightens up the pores. im not saying you need that,hitomi....but " she trails off before laughing. she then grabs me and turns me so the water is hitting me.

"you are soooo getting it after this! i am going to open the package of every action figure you have!" i scream at her. in its way,this is fun though. it reminds me a little bit of the time with cassie and karoliena. maybe i do kind of like that sort of thing? just playing around like we are, gretchen could easily overpower me. in the midst of our playing,we are doing some actual showering. its too cold to pretend other wise. suddenly,the soap drops and we both look down at it ominously. "you dropped the soap." i smirk at her.

grethen laughs and shakes her head. " no i didnt. that is all you. pick up the soap. i still need to wash my belly." who the hell doesnt wash their belly like first thing? i think this woman is pulling my leg.

"use the soap from my belly,gretchie." i suggest,pressing myself against her belly. needless to say,we both seem to find this water extremely cold. if not for the fun,id be very concerned nipples can get too hard and fall off. boy,that would be an awful thing to happen. hitomi,the girl with no nips. fuck that,i'd draw some one if i had to.

"yeah...this is fun and all. but i dont like used soap. quit being a pussy and grab the soap." gretchen smirks at me. she still doesnt let me go. so the warmth of being held next to her feels pretty good. even if she is trying to get me to pick up the soap. i've seen enough movies to know how this ends.

being clever,i stoop down in front of gretchen and retrieve the soap. im not saying i didnt take advantage of the posistion i was in. but im not about to give those kind of details. besides,it was only for a few seconds. "here you go."i tell gretchen cheerfully and plop the soap into her hand.

she looks at the soap and looks at me,then back to the soap again. "thanks." she says with a shake of her head and turns off the shower. we have no towels,so use our old clothes to dry ourselves off with. we probably have some clothes in a box,we'll just have to search for them. we make our way to the living room and try to find the box with the clothes in it. of course,we cant. because SOMEBODY has so much god damned stuff. 5 boxes we open. 5 boxes of nothing we can wear. and of course,this is when the door is knocked. we both panic because we cannot answer the door naked.

"shit!" gretchen whispers and peaks out the window. it is the pizza guy. we cannot answer the door like this. it's just too porno cliche.

"shit!" i repeat. " just open the door slightly and throw the money at him." i suggest.

"no!"i dont want to get the reputation for being the weird shut in." gretchen protests. her eyes roam the room and then light up. "here! ill hold this in front of you,then you hand him the money." she says,as if she just discovered time travel or something. she holds up a fairly large hello kitty plush. its a cute one that ive never seen before. its just a normal one,but its rather long haired. weird.

"my ass! you do it! i am not being covered up just a tiny stuffed toy." i whisper in protest. the knocks on the door are getting more impatient and angry. i guess maybe he can hear our discussion. or at least knows someone is right behind the door.

gretchen looks down and holds the toy to her chest. she spills out from around the edge of it. "yeah,thats going to fucking work. i dont want the pizza for free because he got a look at my tits. just do it hitomi.please!" gretchen gives a little hop when she says please. i hate when she knows how irresistable she is. but she brings a good point,the toy covers up a lot more of me than it does her.

"fine. but this had better be the best pizza ever." i spat out. i arrange myself by the door,so only the bare minimum will be exposed. gretchen aligns the hello kitty over my chest and we both nod. this is going to work.

gretchen looks down and sadly says,"i doubt it. its pizza hut and they didnt have stuffed crust." fuck. it just keeps getting worse.i open the door and greet the man with the pizza. he looks like a smaller and balder version of bette midler. yeah,hes weird as hell looking. i hand him the money and try to wrangle myself and the pizza back in the door. "thank you!!!" i call out after him.

before i can get all the way back inside,gretchen yells, "here's miss soapy finger!!!" and well...you can guess what she does. i scream bloody murder and drop the pizza on the floor. it makes a satisfying smack as it flops on the floor.

"you're going to get miss pizza greasy finger after dinner." i threaten gretchen and pick the pizza box up off the floor.

"ew." gretchen replies with a sour face. she finally finds the right box for clothes and hands me a pair of pajama bottoms and a t shirt.