My mind wanders off into places so deep and left of center that nobody else can reach and thus, if I should ever find myself trapped or in serious danger, it is all on me to bring myself back from that terrifying and chaotic brink. If I wish to return to the "normal" grid that everyone lives and plays on, it is all on me...and even I have very little control of my own mind. Like your favorite sci-fi heroes, I can travel light years and see things within this world that nobody else can - in my head, of course. These trips either fill me with a bursting lust for life and send me up and beyond this very atmosphere or they truly wreck me and I am left with hundreds of questions about this world, the people, our emotions, love, death...everything. At one extreme or the other, sat in the middle and just waiting, constantly ticking over, I just cannot control this mind of mine. Emotions, questions, theories, nonsensical words; they all churn together and amalgamate into one big final boss inside my head. A boss that can never be defeated and if you DARE challenge it...well, more fool you.

When I am manic, it is the best feeling in the world for the most part. Granted, I may annoy the shit out of those around me but for myself, it is an utterly joyous experience. I am KING of the fucking world. I can make the sunshine. I can make it disappear. I can live forever. I have all the answers and hold the key to changing and running an entire nation successfully. I'm one big know-it-all and I'm off to conquer the world for the greater good. The villains? They do not scare me for I am indestructible. They are the ones who should be cowering in fear for I am Joshua Orlando Grimmie and I am not one to be fucked with. Hear me roar...etc. While I may appear a tad preachy and have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to the bad guys in life, do not let that confuse you. I am filled with so much love and compassion. I love YOU. I love our planet. I just want everyone to be happy and bask in the beauty of this life. Nothing can touch or shake me.

Then I go and fucking crash, don't I? We are just not the same anymore. Best friend five minutes ago? I really don't give a shit any more. Get out my life and leave me alone. Total asshole, right? I see the other side of the world. The dirty, rotting and decaying underbelly. We are truly fucked. All the negativity seeps into my pours and consumes my very being. Everything is coming to an end and this dystopian world we have to wade through every single day is our punishment. Seriously, just turn the key and through it away. Leave me in this darkened place to curl up and slowly die for this no hope. No hope for me. No hope for you. No hope for this world and our future generations. Fuck it all. If you wish to go out and enjoy yourself then that is up to you but leave me out of it. Go and live your life if that is what you really wish to do. Forget about me. I don't matter. I don't see the point in anything. The things that once brought me pleasure, changed my life and basically defined me at one point can now just fritter away as embers. Nothing fucking matters. I am sorry for being so sad and bringing you down. You do not deserve someone like me in your life so just...go.

What is worst of all is that I no longer control these hands...these legs...this body. I find myself walking out barefoot in the rain and it takes a few moments for me to realize what I am doing. It was a great idea at first, wanting to "get out" and "feel alive" but then I come to and see just how fucking crazy I look and that I better head back before I catch a severe cold or something worse. These hands are the worst, though. I am counting my lucky stars that I have not struck anyone but that does not mean I have not caused damage. The rages are the worst. Living room slightly messy? THIS IS WAR. I am NOT one to be irritated and fucked with. I'll show this pile of garbage who is boss. Half an hour later, the living room is 10 times as messy as it originally was, my knuckles are bleeding and I need to buy a new coffee table after kicking one of the legs off. I feel GREAT for about five seconds and then the guilt kicks in. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, JOSHUA?! The remorse I feel usually sends me into another depressive state.

This is not a phase. This won't be solved with having an early night and popping some paracetamol. My boyfriend can't fly in like a superhero and tell me it will all be OK. It won't. I know it. Doctors know it. Everyone else should now know it too. I do not want it to be kissed better. That is not what I need. What I need is for people to understand. What I need is for people to be strong enough to stay and ride out the storms with me. What I need is a strong support system and consistency. I do NOT need you wrapping me up in cotton wool 24/7. I just want to know that you will still be next to me or pick up the phone the next morning. That is what I need.

I'll say some things that I don't mean. I'll say some things that I do. I'll struggle to say anything at all at times. I apologize if you find me cold and heartless. I am ever so sorry if I am too clingy and rather over the top with my presence. You never know which Joshua you are going to get. Want to know something funny? Neither do I! I wake up and look in the mirror every morning. Sometimes I love who I see. Three cheers for this young dude who is living his dreams, bagged himself the most beautiful and loving boyfriend, brought his career back from the dead and spreads so much joy to his young fans! Let's shower him with Fan Choice Awards! The next morning I fucking despise the face staring back at me. Let's all point and laugh and this huge fuck up who constantly puts his foot in his mouth, never knows when to hit that stop button and my God look at all his imperfections! That HIDEOUS scar on his cheek. That lazy eye?? If looks could kill, you could kill around corners, boy! Mess. Cut yourself. Yeah...it's pretty much a personality lottery every single day.

I am fighting bipolar disorder. I have only recently been diagnosed and am working with a great team who are helping me find the treatments that will work best. I am scared. I am nervous. I don't know what to think most of the time. One thing I am not is ashamed. It is why I decided to share it with you all. I am not the only person going through this and I am going to help break the stigma surrounding bipolar and mental health. I want those with the condition to not let it define and outcast them. I want those who identify with my letter to get themselves checked out and receive the help that they may have been needing all along.

Bipolar doesn't like to be forgotten. He's one big fucking attention seeking asshole. Rather than using his life of the party mentality in a negative way, I wish to spin it and use his spotlight to shine on a more positive outlook. I struggle finding the right words. I stumble and mess up when I try to do the right thing. I am here to help, to spread love and awareness. I am trying the only way that I can.

Artist: Joshua Grimmie
Title: Crawl
Length: 3:39
Genre: Traditional Pop
Written By: J.Grimmie
Produced By: Jimmy Robbins
Label: Five Pesky Kids
From The Album: GOLDENHEART

"The re-release of PORCELAINHEART, now titled GOLDENHEART, is on its way to you. I can't wait to share all these new songs with you on my upcoming tour which is just TWELVE days away! Before I release a new official single, I wanted to share a cut from the album to tide you over. Crawl is one of my favorites on the new record and definitely one of my most personal records to date. I don't want to explain it all that much as I hope the lyrics will but in a nutshell, this song is a response to everyone looking for the answers as to why I went missing in the summer and just where my mind goes during a depressive bipolar state. You can get the song as an instant-grat track when you pre-order "GOLDENHEART" now!"





This mind of mine is turning like the Big Wheel
I, I just never really know how I should feel
These carnival games look so inviting with their lights
Knock me sideways with the spins, let go for the night
I'm in la la land and you're stuck in way back when
Catch me if you can, I'm running around the bend
You want me back home, down on my feet again
My head is gone, one-way on that runaway train

Flicker in my eyes, I still can't see your way
Lay it all out but I'm not hearing what you say
Wreck every piece if I go, kill it all if I stay

You can try to play it cool but my blood still boils
You can try to pin me down but my skin still crawls
Send the search parties, call out into the night
Find me in the dark but I'll still be lost by your side
I know it ain't right, I know this ain't fair
But I'm not the one controlling this carousel
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls

I miss the days when ignorance really was bliss
Wrapped in cotton wool, all could be fixed with a kiss
Now my eyes are opened and I feel the world spin
It stops for no one and in the end, nobody ever wins
How can I stand for love when I easily turn to stone?
How can I fight for us with a crumbling backbone?
I'd come running back, over fields of gold with open arms
But I can't hear your calls over these deafening alarms

Flicker in my eyes, I still can't see your way
Lay it all out but I'm not hearing what you say
Wreck every piece if I go, kill it all if I stay

You can try to play it cool but my blood still boils
You can try to pin me down but my skin still crawls
Send the search parties, call out into the night
Find me in the dark but I'll still be lost by your side
I know it ain't right, I know this ain't fair
But I'm not the one controlling this carousel
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls

Yearning for liberation, drowning in darkness and sin
I need to get out of here, I just want to shed this skin
Take me apart, let this blood and spirit drift with the wind
I want to feel all the love that's shown
I want to forget all the pain I've ever known
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls

You can try to play it cool but my blood still boils
You can try to pin me down but my skin still crawls
Send the search parties, call out into the night
Find me in the dark but I'll still be lost by your side
I know it ain't right, I know this ain't fair
But I'm not the one controlling this carousel
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls
My blood still boils, my skin still crawls


My blood still boils, my skin still crawls

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