He handled a therapy session much like an interview. It was a push and pull. An attempt to be funny and witty before any true feelings came about. Dr. Hudson had been his therapist for over 14 years now, often joking that she was the longest standing relationship he has ever maintained. When the world paused due to the pandemic last year, Ryan gave the whole virtual Zoom sessions a try but quickly figured it wasn't for him. It took away the interpersonal aspect. Given the longstanding professional relationship between the two, they would check in on each other ever so often as friends do, never treating those interactions as a session. This was the first time in over 16 months that he was back at his shrink's office. The decor had slightly changed over the years but it was still a space that was familiar and brought him a sense of security.

"It's been quite a long time, Ryan. How have you been? You look well." Her statement rang true now more than it did in a long time. Ryan looked rejuvenated and like most in his comment section on Instagram would say as of late, his appearance may have hit a new peak. His pitch black hair was longer. He was well rested. His attire was as immaculate as one would expect from a man who took pride in his looks. "I'm good, doc. I'm happy. There's nothing other than happiness in every aspect of my life at the moment." The bright smile on his face was further proof that he was in a good place. For a man with plenty of demons and dangerous levels of overthinking and self-awareness, all of which were amplified due to the limelight he was under, it was a rare state to be in a positive state of mind.

"That's because of Ellie-Grace Summers, right?" Ah, the name of his musical collaborator and ex-girlfriend-turned-current-girlfriend. The mystery girl that the internet was trying to figure out ever since tabloids hinted at some secretive relationship he was having. It was true that very few people in their respective lives knew that they were giving love a second chance, almost 10 years after they broke up. And yes, his therapist was one of those closes to him that knew about it. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he remarked teasingly, getting more comfortable on the couch he was sitting on.

"You know, I don't like to talk much about the past. The past is typically the apex of loneliness," he began, folding his arms over his chest, a regular occurrence to Dr. Hudson and those around him. He loved to talk and would often let his thoughts flow out. "I've caught myself thinking of the past in the last few months since EG and I got back together." Ryan was an analyzer. He needed to break things down in his mind and study every little thing in order to wrap his head around each outcome in his life. It didn't matter whether it was a positive or a negative, he had to understand the cause behind it. "Looking back, she was always it. We may have not met at the right time when we first connected given everything around us at that time... However, that fire between us, that never died out."

For someone who was responsible for a good share of his problematic past, one instance that sticks out to the public and has resurfaced recently given the renewed association between two, is the fact that once upon a time he was 33 years old dating an 18 year old. He was called every negative name under the sun for that entirely consensual adult relationship that had no hidden agenda behind it. Ryan had mentally prepared himself for that from the moment the two reconnected and started working together on an album. "I don't believe you ever stopped loving her," Dr. Hudson speaks up confidently which brings a confused expression upon Ryan's face. "In 2010 you were sitting right where you are now trying to convince yourself that you were not interested in her and how terrible it would be for your career to date her. So what did you do? You were dating her within a week in typical Ryan Ross Hernandez fashion."

Ryan chuckled at the last statement. Back then, despite every mess he would get into, he considered himself untouchable. He got 'canceled' several times before cancel culture was even a thing, yet when he dropped a song or album, everyone would come out of the woodworks to listen. Hudson knew him long enough to be direct and understand well how to tackle things that were on his mind. They were way beyond your conventional, tip-toeing therapy session. "What can I say? It was magnetic between EG and I. It still is. The amount of sex we've had the last two months? Woo. You have no idea, doc. We're hitting new peaks of orgasms. We tried this thing on the kitchen counter last night, her legs wer-" his comment was cut-off by Katherine interrupting him as she cleared her throat. "Thank you, Ryan. I don't think I need the visual there." A small smirk cracked at her lips, still not entirely immune from the open discussions he could have about his sex life.

"Going back to my point," she stated, tapping her pen against the notepad that rested on her lap. "When you two first dated, you told me time and time again that when it was just the two of you, it worked. You two loved each other. There was nothing like it. The issues came about when the opinions of everyone else were factored in." The words she spoke resonated with Ryan and made logical sense. He never stopped loving her. He fucked up plenty of times in past relationships but his worst crime when he first dated Ellie-Grace was being influenced by all the outside noise. The disapproval of her family, the concerns folks on his side had about the age gap between them, the ridiculously loud opinions of the public condemning them from the start. It weighed on both of them and Ryan gave in thinking it was for the best. That only rang true for everyone else aside from the two.

"Her and I have spoken a bit about that. It's been 10 years. She is about to be a 29 year old woman. She's no longer 18 or 19. I've done a lot of growing up in that time span. We know what to expect once her family and all our friends and the public learns about it. It may sound cliche but the love we have for each other, that has to outweigh everything else." He sounded sure in what he said, thinking that the more he heard himself say that, the stronger the sentiment behind it became. "Right now, we have been in this nice little bubble. Nobody but our close friends know about us being together. That will change. Ellie will tell her parents and siblings about us. We'll start sharing it more to people around us. For fuck sakes, we're about to release an album and tour the world together next year. Somebody is going to catch a picture of us holding hands or kissing and the public will know too. I can't let that deter me again from being happy."

Happiness and love were the two things that mattered most to him right now. Ellie-Grace was a source of both those feelings reentering his life in copious amounts. "I know there's no third chance here. I can hang my hat on the factor that I've been in love with her from almost the first moment I saw her. I can say that outside sources triggered our break up then. That's all vapid. At the end of the day, I'm the asshole who broke her heart. I hurt her terribly and I will always hate myself for my actions thereafter. I know I can't fuck it up again." Ryan paused, sighing out and running a hand through his hair. Underneath his newly positive demeanor, there were still layers of doubt and guilt that he had to deal with. They were not going to disappear instantly just because he has the girl of his dreams back.

"Are you worried that you might?" Dr. Hudson asked him, trying to pry into the inner battle that she recognized was a concerning aspect of his complexities. "I am me after all. I find a way of losing every good thing I've ever had eventually. I'm pretty sure that's the Hernandez family motto." He scoffed sarcastically, shaking his foot lightly. "You have to let go of all that, Ryan. You have to both forgive yourself and trust yourself to not make those mistakes again. Clearly she loves you and is willing to take the world on with you if she's giving this another try. You need to forget everything else and focus on Ellie and being happy together. You deserve happiness." She attempted to reassure him. The self-loathing was not beneficial for himself or those around him. Dr. Hudson has spent a long time trying to ease him into understanding that he was not a bad person, he's just made mistakes like everyone does.

"Ellie-Grace is it for me," Ryan started speaking up, rubbing his hands against his dark colored jeans as a way of keeping his composure. "Despite popular belief, I have no desire to be a bachelor for my entire life. I don't want to be seen leaving some West Hollywood restaurant with a 22 year old model when I'm 55. I had the last 20 years of my life to sleep around and live the freewheeling lifestyle of a successful single man. It was fun. It's done now." His reputation was not the greatest when it came to his love life. He has had sex with many women and the list of popstars he has dated is extensive. From that people have drawn conclusions over the years that he is a manipulative gaslighter who treats women like pawns in a game of chess.

"I can clearly see a life with EG and that is different because you know me. You know every single relationship I've been in for almost 15 years now. I've never been that person who thinks up of a future with someone. I'm thinking about that with Ellie. Actually, it's not even just thinking about it. I want that with her." The purity of loving someone and being loved with no ulterior motive was often something that he desired but did not allow himself to experience. This time he was doing his best to make a conscious effort to not overthink it which was easier said than done. "I love her so much. I need to do everything in my power to show her that I'm committed to her, that I can potentially be her husband down the line, and even one day be a dad to our children. I know I'm not the ideal man that anyone would visualize for any of that but I'm fucking trying."

It was refreshing for Katherine to hear him speak so boldly about a possible future with a girlfriend of his. He typically navigated those waters with caution and the desire a few of his exes had for that stability ended up being the death blow to said relationships. "There's no such thing as perfection, Ryan. It's fantastic that you are opening yourself up for love and possibly a future with Ellie-Grace. You deserve that as much as anybody else in this world. Don't be so hard on yourself. Continue building this relationship and whatever battle comes next, you'll have each other to lean on." Ryan nodded his head softly, accepting the affirmations that Dr. Hudson was putting out there for him to grasp.

"Have you spoken to her about your mom?" It was not uncommon for their session to achieve a breakthrough then have her turn the page onto another issue that was being overlooked. "No, I haven't. I will." Ryan stated calmly, knowing that the ugly fallout after her death in 2017 and the wounds he has kept open from that were aspects of him she deserved to know. "That's fine. There's no rush. Just remember to be real and honest with her." He nodded his head, smirking over at her. "I'm happy for you, Ryan. We're just about done here. Shall I expect you back next week?" Ryan stood up and shook his head at the question. "Nope. You won't be seeing me here, Dr. Hudson. It's Ellie's birthday next week and I plan on fucking her brains out for most of the week, so my schedule is pretty booked." A sly grin appeared on his lips as his therapist sighed out in response.

"That poor girl. Tell her I wish her a happy birthday," she said subtly, wondering if he had opened up to her that he went to therapy in the first place. In the past it was something that she knew he would hide from his partner. "Will do, doc. She knows all about you. I think she might be slightly jealous you've had me for almost 15 years. She may need some tips from you." She put down her notepad and stood up, patting Ryan on the arm as a small gesture to lead him out of her office. "I'm sure. How lucky have I been."

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(OOC: Maybe some of you will vaguely remember the therapy sessions I shared in 2012 surrounding RRH to provide a deeper dive into his state of mind and grow the character. Here they are again nine years later!)