minimum rock and roll
erich
mmr: mr hess,a moment of your time?
erich: what? what have you heard about me?! out with it. cmon,out with it,man!
mmr:nothing,i havent heard anything about you.
erich: *eying the man up and down* likely story. so what do you want? i'm busier than a baker at the urinal cake factory.
mmr: busy? you? in this music industry?
erich: music? fuck no. i've been using the death of the industry to pursue new hobbies. i'm selling magazine subscriptions for these rad prizes. *shoves crumpled brocure into the interviewer's hand* i'm aiming for that keen tent.
mmr: *awkwardly and automatically puts the brochure into his pocket* nobody ever gets those prizes.
erich:they dont have gumption,my good sir. why,i'll be camping in the Himalayas this time next month.
mmr: you'll be killed.
erich: i gotta be out there. what if the kaiser tries sneaking across? i'll wallop him one,but good!
mmr:wait...why did this turn into a 1920's newsie bit?
erich: fuck if i know. i honestly dont know why you indulged me .
mmr: all right, so lets down to business.
erich:are...are you going to make a man out of me?
mmr: cute. what do you think killed the industry?
erich: that doesnt sound like something about defeating the huns.
mmr: i am not singing.
erich: too right, you arent. i'm the singer here. if you started singing,i'd have to interview you. i am a lousy interviewer. once i was on carson back in ...whew. it must have been like 81? 83? anyways before the show went live,ed machmahon and i are in the green room just fucking pounding shots of whisky. we're cracking up and having the time of our lives. i even got to tell old ed "you,sir,are correct!" i thought he would think me using his catchphrase was cute. instead? his face is just slate gray and he tells me "you get the fuck out of here right now you greasy son of a bitch!" just as well,it was time for me to go onstage and talk to johnny carson. wait...thats is actually still just me being interviewed. maybe i would be a great interviewer. oh shit... did i just say that out loud. sorry if i bored you
mmr: bored me? you terrified me!
erich:with all due respect,i think you should let me answer your question before you fire off your rebuttal.
you had that one all ready in the chamber before i even spoke. maybe people are doing what we at the hess clan do. just focus on touring and the road. we're out there playing over 365 days a year.
mmr: how many days a year?
erich: oh,i'd say about 404 days a year.
mmr: erich,there are only 365 days a year. stay in school kids.
erich: yes yes. stay in school,respect your vegetables and eat your parents.
mmr: so nothing new in the works for you?
erich: the date line.
mmr: excuse me?
erich: you arent factoring in the international date line. by crossing that i can play more than 365 days a year. *looks very pleased with his intellect.*
mmr: but are you factoring in when you cross the other way over the date line?
erich:*narrows eyes* you get the fuck outta here right now,you greasy son of a bitch!
*finger guns* ha! a call back!
mmr: *flatly* sometimes i get the feeling you arent taking this seriously.
erich: hey,thats showbiz.
mmr: so...um there you have it. strong words from a strange man.
