Jayne: so from there,the Hess clan was born. is there any particular reason you guys have always been sort of a commune?

Erica: well, you know it just sort of stuck. when we first started out it.it just made sense to share equipment,rides,everything. plus,we kind of wanted that whole "Manson family" vibe...but wholesome and fun.

Jayne: so who would be the charlie of the Hess clan?

Erica:the answer would probably surprise you. you're probably thinking me or erich. but no. its karoliena. its always been karoliena. karoliena is the one who formed the absinthe fiends with erich. before that? he was willy hebmuller: local sex shop worker. shes the one who managed to get through the change the absinthe fiends to atomic war bride. she is the one who suggested we work together. she's always been like our mom or big sister.

Jayne: i have to ask...what was the cause the absinthe fiends becoming atomic war bride?

Erica: *lights blunt and starts smoking* something about a lost bet or something. all i know is a puppet troupe out of Fargo now has the rights to the name. I've seen their act...its fine if Victorian puppet drama is your thing. its not not my thing,but i wouldn't go out of my way to see it again.

Jayne:...that frankly sounds awesome! oh my god...were tickets hard to get?! they would have to be for something like that.

Erica: oh my god,you're so fucking lame,Jayne! it was me and a group of very bored little kids from a summer camp. they did give me a peanut butter sandwich,so i DO recommend the cuisine.

Jayne: *clearing her throat* i see... moving along. so karoliena,huh? i guess it makes sense. she does seem to the one serious and responsible of the group. could you tell us what you know of karoliena's past?



Erica: first off,karoliena is far from serious. she's silly as fuck. *giggles* shes anywhere between 30 and 90 years old. i have no fucking clue and its impossible to find out. see,karoliena is very old money,the kind that buys that sort of anonymity.. some sort of Belgian aristocrats. and not good ones. I've seen pictures of Kissinger at their house. when we mention the castle on twitter,its a real castle. she has a twin sister named karolien who is the exact opposite of karoliena. the classic good twin bad twin thing. karoliena was the bad twin. she was a constant hell raiser from early on. but not good natured hi jinx,more like "sink dad's yacht."

karoliena's voice from off screen: it was insured.

Erica:unlike karoliena's sense of comedic timing,her behavior never improved. in her early teens she found destroying people's lives was far more satisfying than property damage. one of her victims was someone her family liked or something. whatever the case,it was the final straw and that's when karoliena was disinherited from the family and was exiled to Miami beach. dont feel too bad for her. karoliena had a spiffy condo,a rolls,and seemingly always enough money. she still worked at the sex shop with Erich. they both thought working in a place with so many rubber dicks around would be hilarious.

Jayne: what sort of relationship do you have with karoliena?

Erica: you mean,is Wednesday night truly orgy night? i'm not going to answer because i dont want nina finding out one way or the other. *giggles and winks*

Jayne: that isn't what i meant at all.

Erica: yeah...i bet it isn't..i have my eye on you. karoliena is someone who has been there during some of the worst moments in my life. i have the tendency to overreact,or so i am told...karoliena is usually the one who gets me on an even keel again. she is really one of the most caring people i have ever met. if i throw up at night,there's a not zero chance she will be there with a damp towel for my forehead. ...and to kick me in the ass when I've a bit too much of something or another. *cackles merrily.* she is someone i sort of aspire to be more like. she has the most stable life of anyone i know. she is just amazing with her kids. she is literally perfect. sometimes it makes me wanna gag. *makes a retching sound and laughs.*

Jayne:so to get back on track. the Hess clan was formed...but where did the name come from?

Erica: Erich Von Stroheim and the Hess gas station near where Erich worked. we were tripping balls one day and walked down there for some drinks. we both thought the clerk was Erich Von Stroheim. history was made that day. willy became Erich and i took the name Erica, you know, since i guess its the feminine version of Erich. so pretty apt,id say.



Jayne: real quick,is there any truth to the urban legend that you and Erich were actually married at one time?

Erica: yuppers! we actually did get married in Miami on a rainy day in July. the white stripes were huge at the time and there was an urban legend that jack and meg white were siblings that were married or just possibly married.but the thing is ,nobody knew. it wasn't like the Ramones where you just knew they were four dudes using fake names. so yeah.we went a long way for a joke. by the time we were famous enough for anyone to care about our identities,nobody cared about the white stripes anymore and our joke was moot. *shrugs* live an learn.

Jayne: with things moving along,it was time to put music to tape. how was recording the first single?

Erica: pssssht. nobody cares. nobody is watching this thinking "ooh,i sure hope Erica gets into the weeds about the recording process of sisters of Eris." *waves hand dismissively*

Jayne:....um that isn't anywhere near your first single.

Erica: i don't remember the shit,i just write it.

Jayne: so the curtain falls and time passes. the Hess clan builds a passionate underground following and are inexplicably signed to Studio60 records. success finds the young Erica and her friends. Erica and her friends find life on the road. quickly the harlots became notorious for the offstage antics and none of the seven deadly sins were left untouched. life was good for the Hesses. it was around this time that Erica and Erich purchased the duke of Winchester. a cruise ship from the late 1950's that was on its way to the scrapyard. but there were dark clouds on the horizon.



Erica: dramatic much?

Jayne: great,now i look like an asshole if i continue with this question.

Erica: go on..i had to get that joke out of my system. i know where this is going.

Jayne: on the 11th of march 2011 the harlots and atomic war bride were playing 924 Gilman st.a venue in California...

Erica:this was the day of the tsunami..i was out playing rockstar. hell,i might even have been on stage when it happened. after my sister and i moved out,our parents retired and left Osaka for a cute little place in Ishinomaki. they fucking loved it there.then..after the tsunami.. there was nothing. bare ground was all that remained of their home. they were never found. i don't know...if i was there maybe i could have done something and helped? i don't know.its just a guilt I've carried for a long time. its stupid,but whatever. i never claimed to be bright. they had so much more life to give. *sighs* fuck. my brother never saw me perform and my parents never got to see how far i could take writing stupid shit and jumping around on stage with my friends. *laughs as she cries softly* maybe that is for the best,right? I've done some real stellar shit,right?

Jayne: it was years before you returned to japan after this.it wasn't until your marriage to Natalya Dobros.

Erica: *a long deep sigh* yeah...the place is just one big graveyard as far as I'm concerned. this is the real fucking messy part of the story. yeah,i hated japan. for the longest time,i had nightmares that i would find my parents bodies. it was always so realistic too..ugh..*drinks from her bottle of tea*. Natalya...someone who deserved a fuck of a lot better than me,that's for sure. aside from...."the thing",most people will remember her as a member of the short lived girl group,lashes. the group itself being most famous for having Gemma Kane in it. a lot of people don't realize how big a deal it was for myself and Gemma to be as close as we were on big brother. she and i used to fight all the time. she and nattycakes didn't get along,so i had to get involved....and,well...how Natalya saw things wasn't exactly the truth. *shrugs* just some fun history that like 3 people might care about. but anyway, i met Natalya through twitter. she...er...offered a threesome to Erich and i.

Jayne: oh my god,Erica.

Erica: what? I'm sorry you're life is super boring.

Jayne:that's my brother you're talking about.

Erica: oh,you never "help me,stepbrother. I'm stuck in the dryer"?

Jayne: ew,stop. get back to what will probably be graphic descriptions of things i don't want to hear about.

Erica:cmon,i could give the people what they want.. *giggles and starts in her sleaziest voice* so there i was,just slippery as hell with lube ...* cackles with joy and returns to telling her real story.* at the time,Erich and i were a couple. but sex was sex and love was love. we were never physically exclusive.obviously,because i think Micah was a kid when this was happening. ok..so...i kind of have a thing for large breasted blonde women. so,of course,i took Natalya up on her offer. probably being publicly gross about it,if i remember right. Erich ended up not being all that interested and didn't join. i met Natalya and..well,one thing lead to another and we were married shortly after. she wanted to live in japan...so i agreed. Christ,if i would have just said no...she'd still be alive today. but i didn't and...japan had a new corpse.



Jayne: could you tell us about your relationship with Natalya?

Erica: *lets out a long sigh and looks out the window at Osaka* well...i would be lying if i didnt answer with "rocky". she is no longer here to give her side,so I'll be pretty general. we argued a lot. like...a LOT. but we had oodles of good times too. so i guess like any couple,really. for the most part when things were good,they were amazing.

Jayne: soon you two were married and Takara Svetlana Kobayashi was on her way.

Erica: nattycakes was so happy. we were so happy.. but Natalya...she never looked so happy as when the test was positive. she dived fully into the motherhood role. she picked out the name takara. it means "treasure"....*shakes her head sadly and holds back tears.

Jayne: so,who is the father of Takara?

Erica: some people probably assume it's Erich. but that is not the case. though for the fact collectors at home,erich and i would have had a baby in about 2004. anywho. the father of Takara is a man named Sam Fischer. he used to front a Canadian metal band called "acts of hate". Sam was a super cool and funny guy. Erich and i used to have some crazy adventures with him. usually centered around inebriated operation of an RV,poutine,and Tim Hortons. *groans* we have to talk about her,don't we?



Jayne:yes...so how did you know Sam Fischer?

Erica: the harlots tour with lots of bands,we just toured with acts of hate a lot...*sighs and grimaces* fine...Sam was the boyfriend of my friend at the time: Nichole shade. friend isn't really accurate. more like crush..i had a huge crush on Nichole.

Jayne: she has long since fallen out of the spotlight. so could you tell us a little about her?

Erica: Nichole shade and castor drake used to have a band called vile hour. they played piano driven stuff...very cabaret *Erica does jazz hands*. loved their stuff. Nichole was either really punk rock or a psychopath, *tilts head* maybe both.



Jayne: how did you meet Nichole shade?

Erica: *laughs and shrugs* its another horny part. now I'm sure the harlots and vile hour played shows together before,but i know everyone is here for it...i met her on big brother. not the most recent time i was on there..i was on a season many years back. one of the crazy seasons. for some reason,the show always seemed to follow a pattern. there would be an insane season,followed by a cute and calm one. karoliena's wife,Cassie Summers,was on the first season...her first child was probably conceived on the show. Erich was on the season after that. it was pretty wholesome. much to his dismay. my season was after that.if i can remember, there was me,Nichole,billy khan,serenity Scott,Suzie? Andros, some British rapper guy,possible name of Matt?,and some guy billy was going to fight over insulin. there was more,but i cant remember. when i met Nichole by the big brother pool,it was just an instant crush. the entire show was spent either fucking or fighting Nichole. just vicious fights. nothing physical,but there were times where it could have been.

Jayne: and for the record,did you win the season?

Erica: *seething* no. billy khan did. speaking of,did you know that that season, billy turned down a threesome with Nichole and i in the pool?! big brother did nothing for my ego *laughs* dodged a fucking bullet or herpes there.

Jayne: what happened after the show,in regards to Nichole and you?

Erica: we still fought all the time. only this time there was no fucking. she had met Sam Fischer on one of our tours together and i guess fell in love. in spite of having had a crush on Nichole,even then i knew he was too good for her. i cant say enough good about Sam. cool dude. it's very possible my jealousy helped fuel some of the fights with Nichole. i would say its likely. i met Natalya and sort of veered away from Nichole for awhile. this is also around the time where the Hess clan sort of split.

Jayne: split?

Erica: yeah. usually our romantic interests were with each other. but around this time, i had found Natalya. and through Nichole, Erich had met her friend,Ada Von Wannemaker.Nina had met Nichole's band mate,Castor Drake. i think karoliena was dating someone from Sam's band. love was in the air. *laughs*

Jayne:what a tangled web indeed. so how did Nichole's boyfriend father your daughter?

Erica:baby fever was sweeping the nation! eventually Sam and Nichole became pregnant....erich and ada were pregnant. nattycakes and i were left out. Ada was extremely territorial over erich,so that option was out. like i said before,Sam was just an awesome guy. we couldn't ask for a better choice. so my daughter has three half siblings from Nichole. i think Nichole had 2 girls and a boy. I'm not sure. we'll probably hear about them again one day in a true crime story where they kill their mother.

Jayne:that is dark. for completion,could you tell us about Ada and castor?

Erica:i cant really say much about castor. he was a drummer,so who fucking cares? all i can say is,he was very possessive over Nina. he hated her showing off her body. which he didn't seem to mind when they first met.... i don't think he could ever really get over Nina being an ex porn actress.

Jayne: how did that not come up earlier when we were talking about Nina?!

erica: its a job. i wouldn't tell you every job i worked at..if i had a job before becoming a musician. *laughs*. castor never really seemed to treat Nina as an equal. even though she was older,the bigger star,and generally a better person. one day castor just up and left. Nina never heard from him or is daughter again.

jayne: and ada?

erics: *laughs* i better be careful with my words,eh jayne?

jayne: *laughs warmly and smiles* full disclosure,I've been romantically involved with ada for over a year.

erica: the music business is one big incestuous orgy when you get right down to it.

jayne: yeah...don't remind me.



Erica: anyway, Ada was a friend of Nichole's. her past is her own,and i wont really get into it because she asked me no to. so this is what she okayed. we all met ada shortly after this man she was dating committed suicide. she had tagged along with nichole to some little party we were having aboard the the duke. ada had a pretty good career going in....i dunno what you'd call it. like...soft stuff that people in volvos who frequent farmers markets like. i think she had a few number one songs and some awards. she wasn't small potatoes like a lot of people think now. in the wee small hours of the morning she saw erich dancing to tom jones' "whats new,pussycat?" while he was wearing a skirt made from the crystals of an old chandelier. love bloomed and the second most toxic relationship in the hess clan was born. *chuckles* personally, i think the problem was on her. we all know what erich is about. he has little problem being loyal,so it wasn't that. but i think she expected sober erich....*laughs so hard she turns red* cmon. that just isnt going to happen. it didn't help that ada has terrible anxiety. it's so bad she had to give up performing. she works for a big gallery in new york these days.she seems happy in that life ,so we're all happy for her..*giggles* and you ,jayne.

jayne: back to living in japan with natalya.



*cuts to erica walking in a lush park on a bright sunny day. the park is in a rural japanese countryside. she pauses at a fountain.*

Erica: this is where it happened. the absolute worst and best day of my life...and i wasnt even here for it. this is where natalya was murdered. she was nine months pregnant and i had been carrying on a 6 months long affair with nichole. nichole and i had our own little apartment in prague and everything. that is where i was on that day. our neighbor,who's name i refuse to say, was a disturbed man who live with his mother. do what you gotta do,its rough out there. im not slagging his living situation. but i think if he had other people in His life,they'd have seen his obsession with sailor moon was unhealthy. natalya...had blonde hair and blue eyes... so that day he came over and started talking to her. being kind,nattycakes invite him in for tea and..when she didn't treat him as he thought sailor moon should treat him..he threw the teapot at her head..she fell to the floor. the intensity of the situation sent her into labor as she was dying. its possible she never heard takara's first cry. the murderer took baby takara with him when he returned home..and yes,the myth is true. he took and ate natalya's eyes. so every person with a god damned youtube channel making "documentaries" about this can stop. there's no mystery anymore. it fucking happened. the man's mother called the police and soon after,i got the call...so while my wife was being brutally murdered and our daughter being brutally born...i was fucking a woman who i eventually would loathe. so i honestly don't know why anyone likes me. I'm the worst piece of shit in this business. that is the sort of thing i am capable of. so i get the call and leave for osaka immediately.i..identified the body..and was later holding our child. takara looked a lot like natalya...*sighs* I'm not sure if the affair with nichole continued after this. for months after things were sort of a blur.

jayne: the murderer would never see a courtroom though. he would be stabbed multiple times while awaiting trial.

erica:there is some absurd urban legend that i have ties to the yakuza. *laughs* cmon? seriously? using Occam's razor,which is more likely:
i have yakuza ties to the level of getting someone killed in prison?
or
a guy with a sailor moon obsession is going to have a bad time in jail?

*erica turns to you,the reader of this post and pauses the interview* this is actually true. my brother's childhood friend had this done for me.

*interview resumes*

jayne: that was weird. i had like a really long blink or something.

erica:i hear its going around. better get back to the interview. *winks at the camera.*

jayne: in those blur months after the murder...times were not good for you.

erica:*laughs mirthlessly and sighs* no. not at all. in fact..i couldn't take care of takara. i don't know if it was also guilt,possibly because technically takara was a half sibling,or out of cruel symbolism...nichole shade and sam fischer took care of takara while i could not. i may have performed shows during this time..i don't know. all i can say it ended up with me on the floor of a prague service station. i had a bit too much vicodin and vodka on purpose. everything was too much and i was done. but,depending on your opinion of me,the universe had other plans. or perhaps i was reincarnated to the same body? in any case,i did a voluntary stint in a hospital. during this time i refused all visitors except one. which is wild to think since i haven't spoken to honor wynter in fucking years.

Jayne: a few days after you checked yourself out of the hospital,the house you shared with natalya burned down. eventually becoming this park.

erica: there's a rumor i burned the house down myself out of guilt and to keep people from taking souvenirs. the house was built in like 1867 and had wiring from the 1940's or so. i'm just glad no one was in it when the fire happened. i couldn't bring myself to sell the property,so i asked some students at the osaka university of art design a park. i think they did an excellent job.

jayne: with the gift of being in the future,we know you and takara were reunited. how is having erica hess as a mother?

erica: you'd have to ask takara. *chuckles* i think she was 3 months old when i took over mom duties from nichole. i'll always hate nichole for many things,but i cant deny she really helped me out with takara. probably for all the wrong reasons,but...whatever. i may be somewhat of an icon in drug culture,but i knock all of that shit off when i am home with taki. i don't even so much as drink wine when i am not touring. i think i became pretty good at the mom thing. it took trial and error and MANY impromptu classes in newborn mothering from karoliena, but i got there. but if not,there were back up plans. i know both nichole and sam, and nina and castor were planning to take takara if i couldn't...or possibly as some people thought,wouldn't.

jayne: ada told me something similar regarding herself and erich.

erica: yea,i remember hearing that as well. ada had a few times in the same sort of hospital i was in. she had a self harm problem and erich...was erich. so when marlena was born ,i guess people were concerned. *jokes flatly* at least people seemed more confident in my abilities over either of theirs.

Jayne: that is it for part 2. join us in part 3 where its "erica and erich reunited?! the wilderness years"

erica: your father has the film talent,doesnt he?

Erica: so really from here on out,i just kinda chill for awhile.do a lot of touring and that sort of thing. i never would have the level of infamy i once had again. i ,for lack of a better term,became safe. i was like milton berle...only not as sexual assalt-ie. erica hess was welcome at everyone's dinner table. i was the world's kooky aunt. i guess i matured? like,there was this big brother reunion show or something. and nichole was on there with me. finally i could let that little bitch have it! and....nothing. i didn't do shit,man. i didn't do shit. sure, ada was on there as well and certainly played peacemaker between everyone in the house. i think she even came between blake and i. *snickers at the sound of what she just said*. but still. i didn't so much as look at nichole funny. the me of a few years back would have stabbed her ass with a paring knife. i am talking literally stabbed in the ass. *makes a stabbing motion to her own hip*

Jayne:and for the record,did you win that season ?

Erica:*pouts* next question.

Jayne:*leans in close to erica* i am sorry,we didn't catch that.

Erica: *under her breath* you're about to catch these fists.

Jayne: Maybe there is a reason you never win these these things.

Erica: *mockingly* maybe there is a reason you never win these things. that's you.

Jayne: yet again,Erica failed to achieve her dream of winning a reality show. while we are on the subject of you not winning,you are also famous for never winning sexiest female at the fan's choice awards. you have certainly directed your share of bile at the winners. why? it seems petty. even by your standards.

Erica:it's just a bit that i do. i figure people expect it of me and *jazzhands* that's showbiz,baby. i think my ship has sailed for that. i mean,let's face it. the girls aren't getting any perkier.*giggles* plus,i'm a punk rock singer.there is less competition in that area.,so... i m an EASY 9 on the punk rock scale.so im hot there. just remember though.... sexy is fleeting,but cute is forever. *winks*

Jayne:something that came up around this time was the joke about Erich having many kids. could you give us any insight on that?



Erica: you want gossip?*in her dishiest voice* ooh,i like that. so. as we all know,Erich and Ada Begat Marlena. she is like 10 or so. now,erich had met a saucy label exec named Selene Cassadine. who,for legal reasons we won't discuss much. it isn't anything bad. it's just she isn't an entertainer,so her life isn't public. i really couldn't even tell you what label she was from. but she and erich did love each other very much. It was very cute while it lasted. this union produced a son,Dean Cassadine. who is maybe 5? 7? fuck if i know. *uses her best billy mays voice* and i know what you're thinking,but no! act now and i will throw in... erich having a 20 something year old son! *jarring organ chord*. that would be none other than, Micah Delisle! who is also a private citizen,so i won't say much about him either. but i will say, YES,he IS dating the drummer of the harlots,Chloe Pastis. Which isn't at ALL weird. *giggles* Micah's mother was named Eloise. *laughs with a smirk* and since erich was ripping off the damned with his band the absinthe fiends,...it only made sense,right? Eloise was a backup singer in some band we used to tour with a lot. so its just urban legend that micah's mother was a groupie.in reality she was a big tiddy goth girl in an industrial band.was she and Erich exclusive ? Of course not. Nobody was in those days .*laughs and takes a drink* Eloise has is no more,so I won't say much more about her. Plus,none of the stories are appropriate for her son to hear! she was super fun though.
fun fact,2 out of erich's 3 kids are jewish. with only micah really practicing. If he gets a third Jewish lover I'm calling it a fetish! *looks around and motions to the camera to come closer before whispering.* there is biologically a fourth. karoliena and cassie's daughter ,Eris. *giggles and shakes her head* not like that,you horn dogs. he was merely the donor. *lets out an exhausted sigh and drops her shoulders.*and THAT is the extent of erich's kids. *Guzzles the rest of her drink.*



Jayne: speaking of children...you carried a baby for Dustyn and Dallas Connors. you never seemed particularly close to either of them before. yet,you did this huge favor for them. it's always been kind of a mystery as to why you'd do such a thing.

Erica: well,if you got the chance to boink Dustyn,wouldn't you? it had be done the old fashioned way,back then. *giggles* seriously though...it was almost a whim. pregnancy is something i always wanted to experience,but i also did not want anymore kids. i have Taki,that is enough...but i also kind of wanted the bigger boobs that come with pregnancy. all the fun of implants with none of the commitment. *giggles* so when i heard Dustyn and Dallas were looking for someone to be a surrogate,i offered. dustyn and erich are very close. so close that i think sometimes there is some almost "sibling rivalry" between Dustyn and Micah. so i thought if anyone should carry a baby for them,it should be me. erich sort of adopted dustyn,i was married to erich at one time... it makes sense to me. i had one condition though: i did not want to be blood related to the baby. yes,i know Takara is my daughter,but....i wasn't going to carry the only baby that was half me for someone else. i won't say who the egg was from,other than it was one of the women in the hess clan. so when i did this,i went into hiding for the entire nine months. just gone. i was not going to chance being seen like that! i stayed in a little place in london. the doctors came to me.i wanted no possible photographic evidence of this pregnancy thing. oh,i was a super cute pregnant woman until like 7 months. then it was like fuck this,i am done! *shrugs* all in all? i don't want to ever do it again.*laughs* i only gained a single cup size! one!!!! i am glad i could do such a favor for one of my friends though i mean,someone did a similar favor for Natalya and i. maybe this was my way trying to repay that debt? plus,that makes like three people i can guilt into giving me a kidney or liver at a future date. you never know,am i right?


Erica: *winking at the camera* that is like four reasons why i carried the baby for dustyn and dallas....but i'm an unreliable as fuck narrator. it's up to you to choose which one you think. *sticks her tongue out*

Jayne:what?

Erica: nothing,just a little something for the people at home. *winks*

Jayne: you're being weird. it is now we get to the final piece of the modern harlots. Lydia SantAngelo. she plays bass. until now we haven't mentioned a bass player in the harlots.

Erica: the original bass player was a woman with the stage name of "jen Antonic" get it? gin and tonic? nina SANGRIA,Chloe PASTIS? it seemed like a clever naming scheme at the time,so bite me. *laughs* other than saying jen antonic was american,that's all i can say. she found jesus one day and wanted nothing more to do with "sinners". all the bass parts on harlots records have been rerecorded,any official mp3's..everything. this was a jen decision. she didn't want to profit from her pre jesus life and she didn't want to be on our records anymore.*shrugs.* i guess she is a true believer. for our tours,karoliena would usually pull double duty. she would fill in for bass for us before going on with her own band. so,yet again the hess clan mom saved the day! but this couldn't last forever. playing bass in a psychobilly band is basically like being the frontperson too. so nina and i held auditions occasionally and hoping to find the right person,but...*makes a face*
there IS more to being in the harlots other than being a drunk fuck up,but thats what most of our auditions were. We were playing Memphis Tennessee and before the show nina and i were subjecting ourselves to more auditions. i know it sounds totally mean,but...you can only see someone drunkenly fumble your songs in front of you so many times. *giggles*. lydia was the only one who arrived with an instrument,so we just picked her and went with it. *cracks up* i am joking. we love our lidders!! we just knew from the moment she plugged her bass in that she was the one.

Jayne: you know how this goes,whats the backstory of lydia?



Erica:Lydia SantAngelo is the youngest harlot at 31 years of age.....well,aside from me. i'm 18. *winks cutely,but not at all convincingly.*. She was born in Memphis Tennessee to one john and irene santangelo. her southern accent is indeed real. lydia's dad something with trucks...and her mom did something with truckers. i don't know. the whole thing sounded skeezy to me. *makes a morally disgusted face.*

Lydia: *Cackling from off screen* my parents ran a truck stop! they-

Jayne: *interrupting* shhhh! say any more and we may have to pay you as an official part of this film.

Erica: Lydia has a sister named Penelope. we got the fun sister. Trust me, i've met Penelope and she was kind of super mean to me. lydia's parents were nice,so i dont know what's Penelope's deal. wow,these names penelope and lydia....it all sounds tim burton-y.*giggles* which is sort of apt,because lydia was a spooky little girl growing up. she told me she used to throw her barbies into a ceiling fan and pretend they were car accident victims. she also seemed to had a bubbly personality to go along with...that,though. Lydia was very active in girlscouts. i think she sold enough cookies to be the number 7 cookie seller of all time. it is something insanely weird like that. and to prove we all are not born punk rock...she was totally in color guard! which from what she describes sounds like when someone isn't good enough to be a cheerleader. the two things sound very similar to me. in a perfect world,i think lydia would rather be in atomic war bride. she LOVES all things rockabilly. i think she has a lifelong pass to graceland. until joining the harlots,lydia was actually living her dream: she was working as tour guide at sun studio in memphis. she loved getting paid to hang out there all day and we snatched her away from it for rockstardom..

Jayne:so with Lydia now in the band,we are at the modern day.

Erica: yuppers. then i was asked to do this movie thing with you. which you know,i totally don't have better things to do than. *shrugs*


Jayne: i don't see anything else on your schedule until sometime......next year? which brings us to our next and final segment. i think it is safe to say that your career has peaked. you are closer to being in obscurity than you are from obscurity. until you actually do fade into obscurity,what do you hope people will say when the name "erica hess" is mentioned.

Erica: *cackles* getting deep there,jayne. but...i guess i'd answer: "Erica Hess? her ass is amazing!" Seriously though: someone who made life a little more fun for everyone. *shrugs* i dunno,maybe there's more to it. maybe there isn't. *giggles* it doesnt really matter what i hope though,does it?

jayne: would you want takara to follow in your footsteps?

erica: oh fuck no! *laughs* look how many people,in this movie alone,are mentioned...then followed with "and then they died". so many would still be here if not for circumstances directly related to this industry. myself? i must have a good luck charm somewhere..or i dont and i'm the one that has to watch as everything falls apart. *shrugs* takara has the insulation of being a nepo baby when the time comes. she wont have to make the choices i have.

jayne: isnt that very unpunk?

erica:*laughs* its hypocrisy. and what are humans,but hypocrites?




Jayne: finally, The harlots have played thousands of shows,sold millions of albums,wrote tens of songs,your solo work was surprisingly popular, you've done tv and movies,and Erica Hess is a household name...did you achieve everything what you wanted?

Erica: *sighs and thinks for moment. she looks out as the waves crash on the rocky beach.* yeah. i think about all the shitty songs i've been part of creating...i think jiigen would have bobbed his head to at least a few of them. that is all i set out to do. *erica smiles and winks screen goes black and closing credits song plays.*