Erich Hess. A man out standing in his field.

Can you tell the audience where we are right now?
the duke of winchester. the flagship of the hess clan armada. this particular room is not the famed amber room. it is,in fact,the ship's infirmary.

What were you doing just before I arrived?
*laughs overly casual* NOT looking for narcotics!

How are you feeling about life these days?
i dont know,man. i guess that is the best answer i can give. a court jester can only put so many coats of paint on the technicolor dreamcoat before the paint gets too heavy and slides off. and oops,that coat is a turd.
the metaphor may have gotten away on me there.

How would you describe yourself to the very few people on earth that may not know you?
something you've seen done better,elsewhere.*chuckles.* hmm... an elvis impersonator who masks a supreme lack of talent with sheer hijinks. and somehow,people pay me for it.

What does a typical day look like for you at the moment?
hmm, lets see. wake up around 2pm and fire pistol out of the porthole to let the world know i have risen. by 3:34 pm,its calligraphy class. 5pm,start drinking,johnny paycheck would want it that way. 6pm,start the grills on the duke.7:30,dinner is served. depending on if we're in port or not,its time to also start getting ready for that night's show. 8pm. take lsd. 9pm. do the show. midnight,meet and greets.2 am,board the duke and leave for the next town. shoot the shit with my friends until about 7 am,then go to bed and it starts all over.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
never pet a burning dog.

What’s your favourite thing you’ve ever done so far in your career?
i think it's safe to say through my work,i will always have the final say when it comes to pyschobilly songs about really out of date celebrities.

What’s the one song in the world that brings out the most emotion when you listen to it?
"walk the dinosaur". was (not was). the right people know why.

What’s the last great movie that you watched?
"the good,the bad,and the ugly." it is a classic for a reason. i love everything about the movie. if real life had cinematography and a soundtrack like that...things would be far more rad. that's all i'm saying.

What’s your favourite movie of all time?
"the rocky horror picture show". don't dream it,be it. changed my life.

What is your go-to takeaway order?
chinese. general tso's chicken with lots of crab rangoons. fuck it,ill take just a bucket of the rangoons ,not the piddly little order they try giving me. i'm a grown ass man, i would like a bucket of rangoon,please.

Favourite place you’ve visited?
graceland. it is the nearest thing to actual holy land we have. as time goes on,we lose more and more of the people who were there for elvis mania,so every year it seems more and more detached from reality and more like a surreal landscape of tackiness. oh,and if you're a big enough star,they'll let you fuck on elvis' bed.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?
i already do. living on the duke lets me have that nomadic lifestyle i always wanted.i have no roots and no urge to start growing any. but,i guess it also speaks to that primal thing in all of us. who didnt want to be a pirate and live on a pirate ship when they were a kid?

If you think of yourself as a child, how would you describe that version of you now that you’re older and wiser?
the younger me could mix a tastier mojito. i think my smaller hands could mash the mint better.

When did you first realise what you wanted your career path to be?
*laughs* erica's movie is accurate about that. the moment karoliena told me that musicians get laid.

What was your first job?
ha! what timing of questions! i worked at a sex shop on miami beach. later,karoliena joined me. man,we had some good times. *chuckles warmly* she is so much more fun than people think. oh! not like that. we used to sword fight with the double headers.

What’s the most nervous you’ve been in your career?
every night i go on stage. i have terrible stage fright and its never has gotten easier.

Which one album have you heard that changed your life?
"instant classic" by not sensibles. i've been chasing that high i felt hearing it my entire career.

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
at this point,the taco bell menu. its usually open after our shows get out.so i pretty have lived off mystery meat and cheese conglomerate for months at a time,whats a few years more?

If you were granted a last meal, what would it be?
i demand some fresh vegetable that wasnt in season so i could get extra time. then i would hope they forgot i already had a last request. i would just keep repeating this forever.

What’s been your favourite City to work in?
bonn,germany. for some reason,the germans fucking love us. god,i hope its for something good.

What’s your favourite drink?
see,you would think i would say something alcoholic here,but surprise surprise surprise! i'm pulling a sneaky. the answer is yoohoo. i could just suck the hose the is on the yoohoo truck. i'll make eye contact,i dont give a fuck.

If you could work with one artist who would it be and why?
dustyn blue connors. on the surface most people would assume we have little in common,especially musically. i'd dare not actually work with him though. i dont want that pressure! if i fuck up my own shit,who cares?

Who did you look up to the most when you were younger?
most people. i was a kid and short. *studio audience laughter off screen*

If you could pick three dinner guests, living or dead who would they be and why?
george washingtonj,martin luther king jr,and jesus. i'll use this wish in hopes of never having to hear the "what would so and so think about this?!" then,depending on if jesus and martin luther king jr are cool,we'll go get ice cream. george aint invited. i fuckin know that rat bastard wasn't cool. he couldn't lie about chopping down a cherry tree,but he damned sure could have martha take their slaves across state lines periodically to bypass maryland's law about freeing slaves after something like 90 days in the state. so yeah. fuck that guy in particular. i am not paying for his ice cream!

What’s the secret to your success?
as long as you aren't a selfish lover,you can overcome any issue.

Sunrise or Sunset?
sunset. if you catch it at the right time and at the right place on the earth,it'll look like orange and blue sherbet.

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
the duke. you'd be surprised how valuable it was even as scrap. then i had to get the reactor out of an old soviet sub to power it. i tell ya,buying quasi legal coldwar tech....you run across some shady fucking people. but i literlly couldn't say no when he offered to throw in 4 kalashnikovs.

If you could be doing anything you wanted to be doing right now, what would it be?
i'd rather be fishing! *laughs far harder than he has the right to*

What’s your favourite book?
"on the road" by jack kerouac. chilling,seeing america,doing drugs with friends...

What’s the one thing somebody has created that you wish you had created?
toenail clippers. its been my dream to be the very unknown creator of something so ubiquitous.

What was your yearbook quote?
"i am gentleman death in silk and lace,come to put out the candles."
i was really into anne rice,ok?

What’s the one thing you wish you had known before you got into this career?
the extent to which the Illuminati are not involved. i was pretty disappointmented. would i participate in human sacrifice? of course not. i'm not a ghoul. but would i watch? well....

Who’s the most famous contact that you have saved in your phone?
until blocked me,richard gere. so there i was,doing blow with kathy bates. she was saying how dick,dick is what she called richard in those days,had this new iphone that he was really proud of. me,being ripped on coke,asked for his number and then sent him a picture of the pool at Cesar's palace that kat, kat is what i called her in those days,kat had thrown a baby ruth into . he was cool about it at first but then got super pissed when i kept sending him the same picture with an accompanying quote from the hildebrandt brothers classic,urshurak every day.

If you could start over again, what would you do differently?
i would go back and tell hinckley to use a bigger gun....oh,not that far back!hmmm i dont know if i would do anything differently. at this point in my life,changing anything would most likely erase one or more of my offspring.

When was the last time you were truly terrified?
i accidentally cornered a rat in the bathroom at the....fuck..its that place in san francisco..there's rhar guy with the hair...fuck. anyway,it doesn't matter. i was staring down at rat in it's own domicile with naught but my dick in my hand. i slowly backed out and zipped up. by sheer presence alone the rat had let it be known who was in charge.

What is the biggest misconception about you?
am i important enough for people to even have misconceptions about me? perhaps that off stage i'm "fun" as well? i'm the most miserable fuck you'd ever want to meet.

What’s one private story about yourself that you’re willing to share today?
whew,lord...well,the one good one erica has already told. i guess i'll share a cute kid story. i thought there were little people in the tv. but that isnt what i found mind blowing. it's that they could change clothes as fast as you could change the channel. later in life i re visited this thought while expanding my mind..fuckers must have had one HELL of a union.

How happy would you say your on a scale of 1 to 10 in this moment?
*shrugs* bout a 4.

What are you currently obsessed with these days?
those little kei trucks. i'll hop a bandwagon,i dont care. the fuckers are cool.

What was your New Year’s Resolution and have you stuck to it?
i make the same one every year and have ever since that one night.....*pauses and nothing happens.*....hmmm.it should have faded into a flashback there. in any case i peeled myself up off that gas station floor with all the dignity a man in my position could muster ,i took the advice of the faded sticker on the mirror. i WAS going to keep om trucking.

Do you prefer Saturday Nights or Sunday Mornings?
sunday mornings. we usually travel a long way after a saturday show. so its just relax and let the bus person do their thing.

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
.38 bullet to the calf. ricocheted and got me pretty good. it had slowed down a lot so it could've been worse. booze and firearms dont mix. now i know and knowing is half the battle.

What was your first pet?
a scrappy little dog i named "dozer" because that was the name of the bulldog on the mr t cartoon i liked.

What one item could you not live without?
a genuine sweatband once owned by richard simmons. ever since the fateful day he gave it to me in exchange for a coke i was drinking. he was very sweaty and had just finished sweatin to the oldies II. he gave the sweatband to me with "here,kid" nod of his head. i've been alive ever since that day. i see no way the two facts are not related.

What’s your most cherished memory so far?
the moment i held marlena for the first time. it's cliche,i know. but yeah, holding her and knowing i wasn't going to make the same mistakes my father did. nope, i was going to make new ones!

What’s your favourite sports team?
i dont follow sports. too punk rock for that shit. the jock is my natural enemy.

Who’s your favourite actor or actress?
Steve buscemi is probably my favorite actor. He's just fucking awesome in everything. If I wasn't a cool ass rockstar, I'd probably base my being off his character in "ghost world". For actresses? Kathy Bates. She's always great. I'm still scared of her from "misery"!

What advice would you give anybody trying to break into your industry?
Don't ask Erich Hess for advice. That's my advice. But...i dunno. Do what makes you happy? Yes,this is our "job", but the audience can tell when you're just going through the motions. If you're going to get on stage: commit to the bit. Whatever your "bit" is.

What’s your favourite TV Show?
Mystery science theater 3000. Please don't watch it,you'll notice just how much I rip it off! My favorite episodes are "warrior of the Lost world",and "Godzilla vs megalon". Joel is my favorite host,but I enjoy them all. Oh,and watch out for snakes.

What’s your favourite App in your phone right now?
The guitar tuner? I actually don't really use a phone all that much. It used to because of my fear of robot overlords,but now people take that shit seriously and I don't want to lumped in with Blake Williams.

If you could take one moment back in your life and not have it happen, what would it be?
I wouldn't have went to this certain party I was at. Something REALLY fucked up happened. If I said anything,it wouldn't change anything and just make things worse.

What is a simple pleasure that you couldn’t live without?
Danish sugar cookies.

What is one thing you are surprisingly good at?
I can beat the original Contra without the thirty lives code.

What’s something you do that you probably shouldn’t?
Pay attention to the news. I'd be so much happier if I didn't.

What’s one thing about yourself that nobody else knows?
Once I thought I thought I could drink a gallon of winn Dixie chocolate milk on my own,in one sitting. The choco charm was too much for little old me.

What’s your most prized possession?
A stretch Armstrong doll that I found in an Alley near the grassy knoll. I like to think he knows who killed JFK. Personally.

What’s the most trouble you ever got into as a teenager?
We were throwing water balloons at people from a car. We soaked these two women walking out of a club and then high tailed it over a hill to a gas station. Two minutes later,7 cop cars swarm us. The two women we nailed with water balloons? Undercover cops. They were there and PISSED. I think I'm still working off the community service for that one.

How do you hope your parents would describe this version of you right now?
"We should have gotten that abortion, honey."

What do you predict for yourself in the next ten years?
Playing State fairs and using my star power to scam free hotdogs and possibly carny love.