Exiled
No Shame
Only When I'm Smiling
You Just Lost Your Lover (feat. Ryan Ross Hernandez)
Drive Me Crazy
Dance with Danger
Take Me Down
They Build Us Up To Watch Us Fall (feat. Katie Coyle)
Push
Soldier
As the Angels Carry Me Home
I know that many of you Kittens have been wondering about whether or not I would talk about this album as I'm sure you're all aware, it's not the most favourite time of my life for a multitude of reasons. 14 years on, I still don't believe I'm quite fully healed from this hectic and overwhelming era but a lot of that is due in part to my own avoidance tactics. I haven't ever truly addressed what went down behind the scenes in regards to this album nor have I really acknowledged its existence all that much. It came out, I posted a few tweets about it and then I jumped head first into StarFactory and piecing together ideas for album 3, hehe! I know that 'Exiled' means a lot to people and I've heard numerous times over the years that it holds a lot of hidden gems and some of my best writing according to some of you. Hopefully I can do it some justice in my little write up and also bring myself even just a slither of closure as I express my thoughts and feelings. A little bit of catharsis does the world of good...right?
I'll go on record and say that the material on 'Exiled' does get the short end of the stick. I'll admit, I've even played my part in that as I've probably come across as rather dismissive of the album as a whole. I sort of glossed over it and it is in the unfortunate position of being wedged in between two highly successful, attention-grabbing projects. My debut was a highly anticipated project that benefited from the hype of a 'shiny new artist' while 'Live To Tell' boasted an eye-catching rebrand and the age-old trope of being accompanied by a triumphant comeback story. 'Exiled' just sort of sits
there in the middle. To myself and many others, it's a record that conjures up negative connotations. It suffered delays, it didn't sell as well as 'The Voice of Me', I was ill throughout the era, the promotional campaign was extremely stop-start and patchy. It's just not an album that exudes joy unlike my others but that is all to do with perception, not the material itself. I got to work with some incredible people on this album and I don't wish to seem ungrateful for the incredible opportunities that came my way throughout 2011.
Even prior to what would come in regards to this album's rollout, I was already heading into it on a bit of a back foot. I was bought out of my contract from Junction Records by Studio 60 Records. That is absolutely astounding news, of course. Arguably the biggest record label in the world at the time poaching me to come work under them? Without a doubt one of the biggest achievements of my career and a true pinch-me moment if ever there was one. At the time, however, I was suffering from really bad writers block and the pressures of the 'difficult second album' were already looming over me before switching labels. Add the fact that Studio 60 are now putting their faith in you and your debut album has just been confirmed to be one of the biggest-selling of the year, it was intimidating stuff! I had not long turned 17 at the time, still a baby with this tremendous weight on her shoulders. The move in labels and the fear of a 'sophomore slump' actually inspired the titling of the album. Although I was literally thrown into this fast-pace, all hands on deck environment, I felt like an island. Detached. Exiled. I went from a cosy home at Junction, a place of warmth and security, boasting a confident mindset to the polar opposite. I was a small fish in a big pond. My tail was between my legs. I was the new girl with all eyes on me and I was thrown into the deep end. I had better start swimming, huh?!
My dating life was also a bit of a disaster around this transitional period which did not help matters. Dating as a 17-year-old is a crazy experience in and of itself never mind in the showbiz world with tabloids and the press creepily salivating over it. I don't really wish to go into detail regarding the ins and outs of it all. We've all moved on and grown up. It's all extremely old gossip column fodder that doesn't need to be dug up now and I wish to treat everyone with respect, dignity and privacy. I would just like to inform you all of where my head was at during the conception of this album. A heartbroken 17-year-old girl? Oh there were TEARS, hehe!
Studio 60 allowed me to work with some tremendously talented folk on this project and it's something I'm incredibly grateful for. I went from being the new kid on the block to creating art with THEE Ryan Ross Hernandez and Katie Coyle within the space of a year. That came with great responsibility, however. A responsibility to prove that I'm worth my salt and that the label hadn't just made a huge financial mistake in signing me. Initial sessions were fruitless and I think I was caving into the pressure. I looked at the height of the imposing mountain and said 'nope!' before even making an attempt at climbing it. Ironically, it was a session I was fearing the most that helped shift my perspective and allow me to forge ahead with the task of making album 2. I developed a friendship with Ryan and found a true confidant there. His constant encouragement and pep talks reminded me of what I told myself a year prior; "I can do this!". While many others around me waxed lyrical about numbers, sales, stakes and everything else that made my knees wobble, Ryan brought it all home to what really mattered - the music. From that point onward, I was actually excited about the album for once! A fire had been lit. Of course, that would soon be rained on once again.
Once I had found my voice again, there was no stopping me. I think the first few singles from the project were actually ones that came from in and around my sessions with Ryan. It's like that meme of someone writing with a feather quill that's on fire. I went from drawing blanks to churning out songs like nobody's business and, actually, I was rather proud of them too! The label had also given me more freedom and wiggle room with my writing too. For my debut, it was all very literal and about lived experiences. I was a 15 year old girl, I had to be one. The title of my first single says it all, really! Under Studio 60, however, they allowed me to experiment a little further. I was getting darker, more introspective, conversational and observational. I was touching on more adult themes. Nothing scandalous, just more so than I would've been allowed to say at 15. The truth of the matter is that I was actually cosplaying as my favourite artists! I still lived a rather sheltered life at that point. I was the epitome of being "a pleasure to teach". A lot of the songs were completely fictitious in an attempt to seem cooler and edgier. For example, the closing track on the album 'As the Angels Carry Me Home' was all about reckless behaviour and getting blackout drunk. I think the most I had done at that point was have a few sips of a Bacardi Breezer, hehe!
When it came to crunch time and things officially kicked off, my team pushed for 'Dance with Danger' to be the first single. Don't get me wrong, I did like the song but I wasn't sure if it was single-worthy let alone the way to kick off an album campaign. I always wanted 'Exiled' to lead things. It was the title track for a reason. Still, they went with 'Dance with Danger'. Reviews were great but with its heavy sound, radio play wasn't very strong. It came in at #8. In 2025, a Top 10 hit sounds fantastic but 14 years ago, I was made to feel as if my career was over. That I had sold three copies and sullied the good name of music. People weren't pleased and I heard the term I had been dreading - "flop!". We dusted ourselves off and forged ahead. As some damage control, it was decided that the next single would be the Ryan Ross Hernandez assisted "You Just Lost Your Lover". Cool. It's the Ryan song. I love this one. People will enjoy it, it'll do well and all will be forgiven. That wasn't the case, sadly. It missed the Top 10, coming in at #11. To be honest, I can't even pinpoint what went wrong. It had a lot of push and promotion behind it, critics and fans seemed to enjoy it but it just didn't take off for whatever reason. It happens. Again, in retrospect, it's not that bad! Still, I was called into the office. The lead single underperformed and the 'sure-fire hit' we had in our arsenal with Ryan just ended up a wasted opportunity. Inevitably, the album was pushed back.
Around this time in limbo, I fell ill. It's not a subject I wish to dwell upon too much as it is still greatly traumatising and triggering. I wasn't feeling great for quite some time and I just chalked it up to the stress and strain that this record and new deal brought my way. Nope. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. My world collapsed. Thankfully, everything was caught and dealt with early enough that I'm still here to this day. I don't wish to sweep a serious issue under the rug so flippantly as it entailed a lot more trauma and tribulations than I feel comfortable sharing. The diagnosis may have been short-lived but the repercussions of it lasted beyond that, some of which I still feel to this day. At the time, I had kept it initially under wraps. I was struggling to process it all and didn't want the entire world and their mum knowing as well. The press were also incredibly intrusive back then too. I just wanted it contained for as long as possible. Albeit not the wisest idea in hindsight, I wanted to forge ahead and act like nothing was happening.
Agreeing to my terms of not wanting an unnatural silence to shroud everything, the label kickstarted the album campaign once more. They had finally chosen to service 'Exiled' as a single. Marvellous. One of my favourite songs on the record and I'm going to be too knackered to really push it and embrace the release. In fairness, we had all bitten off more than we could chew. 'Exiled' became more successful than the previous releases, coming in at #4 but it was a double-edged sword. We couldn't push it further and keep up the charade. While I was booked in for surgery and more or less told that I was going to be "fine" (*knock on wood*), it just wasn't feasible to forge ahead without factoring in recovery time and an explanation behind the constant stop-start campaign. We went public and everything shifted just as expected.
I was terrified dealing with this as it happened to me but with the world press speculating about my health and future, it was an emotionally crippling and crushing time. I just wanted everything to go away. I'd close my eyes and wish it all to dissipate but when I opened them back up, it was still the same noise and chaos. For a few weeks, I was mad at the world. I wasn't focusing on the well wishes or other positives like the awareness being raised about such an illness. I just wanted to be left alone, truth be told. It was a little while post-surgery during my recovery time that I started to smell the roses. I was feeling so blessed to be alive and completely embracing everyone who was visiting, sending messages of love and support, and just generally clutching onto them for dear life. I realised that I was in an incredibly privileged position. I had survived this ordeal, have this massive platform and even though I can't change the world, I can sure enough lend a helping hand.
I had decided to become an ambassador for Macmillan Cancer Support. They were omnipresent around the hospital and all the spaces I visited. Their nurses and volunteers work tirelessly to help those living with such a destructive diagnosis. People forget that it's not just about the cancer and the treatment, it has a ripple effect on everything from finances to mental health and it also impacts the loved ones of the patient. I wanted to help out such a brilliant charity in any way I could and I'm proud to say we are still working together to this day. While I was recovering, we serviced the song "Soldier" as a single with proceeds going towards Macmillan. It was a simple affair; a montage clip music video, a basic black background with white text for the cover art. The money we saved on art direction, we donated to the charity. I couldn't really promote the track outside of a few tweets as I couldn't even use the bathroom unassisted for a while let alone do a press tour. It was the goodwill of the people who supported the track and Macmillan. It came in at #2 and raised a lot of money for the charity. It was such a simple gesture but the thing I'm most proud of in my career.
After a month off, the album eventually came out. It was a rather bittersweet moment. I was happy that the record was finally seeing the light of day but by that point, it had already been marred by a plethora of things. The lukewarm reception of the first few singles, the pushbacks, the diagnosis leading myself and some nasty critics to believe that any units sold would be "sympathy sales"...just not a great time. 'The Voice of Me' was launched with a huge album release party. 'Exiled' came out while I was resting up at home drinking lots of fluids. I vividly remember it was also released the same week as Misery Loves Company's debut album and was seen to be engaged in a 'chart battle', if you like. The boys got the #1 slot and 'Exiled' came in at #2. Again, nothing disastrous but it was yet another hurdle that the album was just shy of clearing. That was a recurring theme throughout the campaign. It always got so close to becoming something and finally getting back on its feet before something else came along and pulled the rug from under.
A few months later, we decided to have one last stab at it and released the fifth and final single. "Take Me Down" had the full video and promotional treatment. Its release coincided with my debut as a judge on StarFactory. We were aware by that point that the album had very little steam left in it but wanted to grasp one last opportunity while we could and end the era on a much more positive note. Five singles deep and I could eventually enjoy and embrace a release. I was pulling out all the stops for the choreography in the video, I got to perform it on the StarFactory stage and I was once again in the Top 5 on Chart Heat. The line was finally being drawn under the 'Exiled' era and while we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, we were still grateful that we managed to pull it back at the eleventh hour.
Studio 60 and I soon parted ways once the album campaign was over. It was an emotional but amicable decision. Everyone involved was more than aware of how mentally and physically exhausting our partnership was. If you believe in that sort of stuff, you could even say that the whole thing was cursed! There was absolutely no bad blood between anyone involved. We all collectively knew that we all needed to move on to a brand new chapter in our stories. I dread to think how things would've been handled had I not been with such a considerate and understanding label. While it may coincide with such a rocky personal and professional time, I'm forever grateful and indebted to the folk at Studio 60.
While I doubt I'll be rushing to spin 'Exiled' any time soon on account of me just not being quite there yet in terms of grieving and acceptance, I can now say that I'm still incredibly proud of what I managed to achieve and overcome with this record. It may not be the happiest of chapters but an incredibly important one in my story.
