So, I have wrote 1500 words of Chapter Two, and I fear I may have ruined everything. If you would, could you read this and tell me your thoughts. Be as honest as honest is. I want to know everything bad or good about it if there is any. Please, I need help, as I am affraid that this chapter may have messed up even worse that the first. Thanks...




“Who is God?” James asked impatiently, and becoming angry. “James, I am not a mage. God is the spirit that created all beings, including you.” This of course sounded ridiculous to James who had never even heard the concept of God or Heaven. “James, I know I sound crazy, but you must listen. God created Serapnoir. He sent me here to deal with Zaleth. Zaleth is an angel too.” This pushed James over the edge. “So the man who is trying to kills us all is an angel sent by God, who loves all of us? How thick do I look old man?” James stood up quickly and walked towards the door of their velvet covered room. Amborn felt failure in the air; his body trembled in fear of explaining why he broke his promise with God. “James, I am not a fool. Nor do I believe that you are. I cannot prove to you that I am right. But you said yourself that I have exhibited magic beyond the everyday mage.” James agreed with this but thoughts of anger and everything else flooded his mind. “This is all happening way too fast. You expect me to become this fierce warrior of a spirit I have never heard of over night? I am a farmer! My entire family has been farmers! I am from Ailforth; the village of losers!” Amborn stood up and spoke in a more powerful voice, “James of Ailforth you are no loser! I know things that you know not. I have seen your future, and you are no Ailforth loser!” The room grew cold and James sat down on his bed to think. Just a week ago his life was normal. He knew nothing about this God fellow, and had no cared for the man Zaleth. What had this wizard done to him? His head hurt and he could not understand what was going on. “I’m going to sleep, see you in the morning.” he whispered and he fell back to sleep. Amborn silently left the room.

To the people watching Amborn appeared to vanish little by little with each step. In reality, he was going to Mount Gibs to talk to God. Amborn had thought about it the entire trip and decided to tell James against God’s will. Thoughts were now racing through his mind just as they were James’. He appeared atop the windy, snow topped mountain and put his staff into the ground. “Father, I wish to talk.” At first God did not appear which frightened Amborn into thinking that he had disobeyed God to greatly to be forgiven. God’s voice then echoed out over the great hills. “Amborn. You have broken our promise. Why?” His voice was deep, and powerful, yet fragile and soft at the same time. Amborn knelt down in the snow and called out, “Lord, I have indeed betrayed you. But it is James…he is harder to convince that I expected.” Amborn had anticipated James to be hesitant but he did not realize what his challenge was really going to cover. “I need to tell him some things. He needs to know everything. Please, he is the only chance we have! You told me that!” Slowly God’s voice rang out again, “I did indeed. James is the one who will lead the people in the battle. Amborn, you have been my most trust worthy angel. You have obeyed everything I have ever asked of you, and I reward you now…if you feel that this is how it must be. Let it be. Tell him everything. Go now son.” And Amborn knew that God had returned to Heaven. “Thank you.
Amborn had not expected it to be so easy, God usually is very particular about these things, maybe, Amborn thought, God had a plan that he had not told him? Either way, Amborn knew that there was much to tell to James, and he needed to do it right. He stayed up most of the night writing notes and thinking how to explain the tragedy that was planet Earth, and how Zaleth became obsessed with power.

But James was not there when Amborn woke up. His sheets were nicely arranged and a small note was atop his pillow. He scrambled around the hotel and finally returned to read the note.

Amborn,
I have gone to meet with the King, if he will let me in. If he has indeed joined Zaleth, then he will allow me in for the chance at killing me. He will not. I am going to kill the King at noon, meet me in the courtyard.
James

“That…idiot!” Amborn hurried out the door and down to the road. He had to make it to the tower before noon or James would surely die. But as he reached the steps the clock tower rang out and he knew that he was too late. Twelve times it rang and as it rang to a silence, God’s voice spoke to Amborn, “The tower window.” And the wind blew strongly toward the rising stone tower. From the window a body fell, James was going to die. Closer and closer it got to the ground and finally Amborn put his staff to the ground and whispered something in an unknown language. James was floating in mid air and slowly was heading toward Amborn and a host of other towns people. But as the body got closer, Amborn got a quick shock down his spine. The man he saved was not James; it was Thomas, the Kings servant. “Thank you, sir. I am not worthy.” Thomas spoke quickly and began to babble unintelligibly. “Shut up and tell me what’s going on in the tower!” Amborn shouted with great power, “Oh…its horrible it is…the King has been slain! Zaleth was here, he came to the tower and the King ordered me to let him in. When he left I went in to talk to him, but he was dead. Your young friend came in and tossed me out the window thinking I was King Laos.” Amborn shook his head in anger, but he could not help but find humor in the situation. “I have to go, will you be alright?” to which Thomas shook his head.

When Amborn arrived in the tower he found James sitting on the floor holding his head, crying. “Do you realize what you’ve done? You almost killed Thomas, a mere servant! One night you done believe a word I say, the next you go to do my every command? What is wrong with you?” James had already felt bad about this but Amborn’s anger only made him sob harder. “It doesn’t matter; the King has already been killed.” “What do you mean? Who killed him?” James asked, “Zaleth came here this morning. He got by without even one person questioning him. This city will cause its own doom.” This somehow made James feel better about what he had done. At least now he would be King and Amborn could carry out the rest of the plan. “So…I am King now?” James asked stupidly. “King? No, these people of Palamoore will never allow you to be King without reason! I am afraid you have truly mistaken our place in this land.” It was true, James had never even taken second thought to the people of the city, he had only focused on killing King Laos. “Damn it Amborn! What must I do that will put things right? I have done what you asked of me, or at least tried, without question…what else is there?” Amborn paused; he was beginning to think he had chosen the wrong man to aid him, “Are you honestly that stupid boy? You thought this would be easy? Perhaps I explained to softly when I spoke of battlefields and war?” The look upon Amborn’s face was one of deep sorrow, and it made James feel ashamed of himself, “No…I suppose not.” He replied as he shook his head. “Then what must I do that can prove these people that I deserve to be King? I have already told you, these people want politicians, or a member of the council’s to be King, not some farmer from Ailforth.” “Right you are James and that is precisely why you must become a soldier.” Out of politicians and council men, he did not say soldier, and James wondered where this might fit in. “Come now, guards will soon want to patrol the area, and we should not be here when they come.”

The night at the lakeshore was a troubled one for Amborn. Everything he had expected to happen, had not, but everything that could have went wrong, did. He sat at the fire and pondered the entire thing. His plan was for James to become a soldier, fight his way through the ranks, as Zaleth would soon be attacking. Only then would he attack the King and attempt to take rule over Palamoore, only then would he have respect enough for the people to accept him. Instead, before he could explain better, James took the small grain of information and blew the entire plan out of possibility. “Father, what have I done?” he whispered as he went to sleep, “What have I done…”

Yes, I know...is it worth keeping at all, or should I just go for a total re-write? I am having a lot of "internal debate" myself right now. Lol.

Thanks, I figured it would be good to get some comments, and it has.

I was afraid you would say that, but I knew it was coming, because that was what I figured I should do. I think i may have attacked something I wasnt prepared enough to take on, but I think I will start again and give it another go. Thanks Rince, again you have saved my crap. ;)

Hmm....I think you may be right, and after reading your comments on chapter one, I think I was trying to add more, but was still fighting myself with telling myself "your putting too much, its getting boring." and things like that... Its like Im split down the middle. I did make chapter one 15 pages long, on a 6x9 page size.

Holy shi* Rince! I dont know why you are doing this for me, but I thank you deeply. This has given me a new perspective on my own idea, and the fact that you took the time to do this is amazing. Also, its really good, you should consider writing more often and posting it. Thanks again.

fantastic... i think its a lot lot better... the descriptions help you picture it... i love the idea of having him sense his fall...
personally i would be tempted to keep Amborn from knowing his powers and having him discover new ones as he goes along.. that way you can introduce them to the reader via Amborn redisocvering his gifts...

i would also be tempted to introduce James by having him discover Amborn while out sheperding / cutting wood / working in a field... seeing that he needs help, taking him in and nursing him back to strength etc etc thus showing amborn what a true and good person this James is and giving Amborn a believable reason for reaching out t him and asking him to help him on his journey possibly as a guide seeing as Amborn knows nothing of this strange new place! (obviously just idea's though)....

giving Amborn a connection to the real world as well is very very good, i like how he was raised from heaven to become an angel.. May sound a bit blastphomas for some of you, but i would be tempted to throw something in there about how Amborn is Yahweh's vessel in this world in the same way that Jesus was in our world... with the twist that no one knew he was coming, prepared his way, had the religion etc etc Maybe have a bit about even thoug Amborn has left Pintera and the presence of his God he can still feel the light inside of him etc etc, and maybe this is where he gets his powers from? whereas maybe mages in the world who he will probably meet at some point gain their powers from the blood (ie their life source)... and every bit of magic they use ages them a bit, unless they use the blood of another etc etc? thus giving you an easily identifiable evil in the world to combat..

no worries with having to credit me with anything man... all i did was re-word what i thought you were trying to say and adding a few bits i thought it needed).

I wrote a few more paragraphs and its amazing how your ideas are what I used before you posted them.

CHAPTER ONE CONTINUED
He finally reached the bottom of the great mountain, nearly three hours after his arrival at Serapnoir. Past the fields he could see many different lands and rivers. There was a vast lake, with a river heading north. Through a mere whim he decided to follow it, and began his journey to wherever he could find people. The river was long, and narrow, but its water was crystal blue. In it, he could see an assortment of fish and frogs as they swam around and flopped above the water. After a while Amborn was wondering if there was any intelligent life on this new planet until finally he saw something drinking from the river in front of him. It appeared to be a great horse, larger than any he had ever seen. As he approached he noticed something very strange about this creature; it had the head of a great ape! Amborn stopped dead in his tracks about thirty feet away in hopes of not being noticed. The strange creature finally looked up and stared right at him. Amborn’s knees shook and he fell to the ground as it met him face to face.

“Hello human. I am Derek, who may I ask are you?” Did this horse creature just speak to me? Surely not! But the ape face continued to look at him with wondering eyes, and Amborn built up the courage to answer. “My name…I’m Amborn.” The creature backed up a bit and shook his head, “Never heard of you. Where are you from, Amborn?” To this Amborn did not know how to reply, he could not speak of Heaven, or God or surely he would be punished. “I am from very far away….what, if you don’t mind my asking, are you?” This for some reason or another caused the creature to laugh. “That’s a good one, “What am I?” ha, very funny.” “I’m sorry mister, but I honestly have not a clue what you are.” Slowly the creature stopped laughing and began to stare at Amborn blankly, “You don’t?” “Sorry, but no I don’t.” This made the creature frown a bit, “Very odd, most humans know very much about us Grogans.” “Grogans?” “Yes, that is what we are called. We mostly live in a place called the White Oak Forrest, but surely you know of the great white wood?” Again Amborn was embarrassed to admit that he knew nothing of these creatures or places.

“Surely you are not of Lamerith, if you truly know so little.” Derek calmly stated with a chuckle. “Uh… no I’m not.” This finally calmed the creature and the two began conversing about their day, apparently Derek was ordered by the other Grogans to come and find a man who was sent by another man, whose name was Yahweh. “You know of Yahweh?” Amborn asked quickly, not realizing he had interrupted Derek. “No, but I know that he sent you. Who is the fellow?” “Oh…I cannot say. Will you take me to your people then, if they know him I must talk to them.” The large ape head shook in agreement and after drinking a little longer, they headed towards the White Oak Forrest.

- I am planning on having the Grogans to explain the world a bit more to him, and he wont learn of his powers to much until he needs them and they are "used" without his effort, and he must learn to control them.

They dont, God appeared to them as an average man and told them of Amborn. They know nothing of his...Godliness.

Derek just seemed to fit the character and personality I was planning for him.

I agree, Im still working out the kinks, but I did feel this to be a moment of under-description too, so I will see what i can do with it.

You have just ruined my plan...thanks for pointing that out though. Perhaps, a dream of him would work better? I really dont know what to do now.

Okay, I think I will just go with the, "you seem to know the area" approach.

I dont know of any other name that would work.... Torek? Darish? Lol.