Just recently, as in rather recently, the reprobates from The Infidels! in Tomi, Jenny Donkeypunch, Habib and Guadalupe were invited into the studios of cult radio station 666.6 FM, which is so underground that the heat from the magma in the subduction zones of the crust can be felt coming through the heating system. It’s radio host Johnny ‘Suicide Party are a bunch of walking AIDS infested pedophiles’ McCracken asked shit questions, in which the band delighted in replying with shittier answers.
…the sounds of Hellspawn’s latest album, ‘Thousand Era’s of Death’ and the song ‘Leviathan’ play out into silence..
Johnny McCracken: Holy shit what was that shit?! Oh, Hellspawn with ‘Leviathan’. Fucking terrible or something. Well, we have an interview tonight and it’s a great fucking painful delight to be having two fifths of fuck all from The Infidels! in the studio…that means Tomi and Habib. Welcome! … …please put your pants back on Habib, this isn’t a brothel…
Tomi Kosari: Thanks.
Habib: What pants? I didn’t wear any here…did I Tomi?
TK: No.
JM: Ok, just stay sitting behind the desk…no shrivelled six week old bratwurst on display please. So what has been happening in the world of the world’s most favourite retro doom funk band?
TK: Nothing…just chillin’, killin’..
H: I love that movie!
TK: Ok, seriously man…nothing.
JM: Nothing? Riveting stuff. How is Weston Super Mare?
TK: Super really. You know how places with beaches are…wet and cold. The people suck though; they hate us for some reason.
JM: Wet beaches eh? There’s one for the ages. God knows why they hate you?
TK: God knows but I don’t…we are lovely folk really. We come from our castle nearby, buy stuff in town and leave quickly and quietly. Our music isn’t too loud; we try and keep the hookers on the premises and all that. We try hard but there is just no pleasing some people. We tried to play a gig down by the pier but were pelted by frozen pilchards.
H. Yeah that was not fully sick…but those pilchards were fully sick on my pizzas later eh?
TK: Oh fuck yeah…pilchards and hash pizza’s…
JM: Right, it’s all about the drugs… …you have mentioned several times over the past year about this new album. Where the fuck is it?
TK: Somewhere in the studio.
H: The mixed tapes are lost.
JM: How did that happen? No wait, I can only guess how…
TK: It’s ready actually and about to be released like a deadly new strain of mutant AIDS crossed with dystentry…devastating stuff that will waste your braincells to nothing and make you shit through the eye of a needle.
JM: Gotta give you credit for such a flowery description…going to have to remember that one.
TK: You gotta thank my mom for that.
JM: Will do…no-one has heard anything of it so on this dark, doomy eve of release, tell us a little about it.
TK: Well, it’s our most diverse record to date. It has guitars.
H: Yeah, six stringers and four stringers. Usually it’s all about evil keyboards and other instruments but we have gone back in time to actually have some guitars. Sounds fully sick.
JM: One can only imagine what Dean Keller thinks of this..
TK: Who?
JM: … Dean Keller?
TK: Still not getting you…
JM: Ahhh, ok…the guy on the album title…”Dean Keller and His Sandy Vagina”. Are you two fucking stupid? He is threatening a fucking lawsuit against you!!
H: So that’s what the album is called!
TK: Well, you wrote most of the songs…
H: I remember now, it’s all coming back in flood of repressed memories of bombed houses and burning pizza shops…*sniff*
TK: Seriously…Dean Keller is some tool from this horrendous soft cock rock band called Live Youth or Gay Youth or whatever. Dunno…it had something to do with Dean insinuating that we cannot read. It was a long time ago and we have ripped many bongs since then.
JM: Really? It’s not obvious at all…so has that whole horrible incident in the Turkish penal system affected the band and its output? I mean, you used to release albums in rapid succession and since then all that’s come out is that album about Brian Griffin.
TK: Hahaha, penal. Ahh yeah sure…it was a mentally debilitating time of my life, full of sodomy, anal beads and Turkish priests. Guadelope loved it however. We haven’t been able to hit the heights and greatness of the past. It’s scarred us forever and ever amen.
JM: Habib?
H: Yeah, what he said…it was awful, I mean I seen some pretty fucked up shit in Beirut but those Turks are fucking weird and perverted.
JM: Terrible, just terrible. Who around the rock star world do you admire?
TK: Well, I admire Murder and Co from Suicide Party for just been so utterly shit and not giving a damn. Truly fucking woeful but happy as a crack head hoovering cock for her next hit.
JM: Wow, Suicide Party…are they still around?
TK: Yeah, I think they have just released an EP or something…I never hear from them these days. Fuckheads.
JM: Ok, just for controversy…everyone likes a bit of a spat…who do you dislike?
TK: well, I hate a lot of people. Dean Keller? Is that news worthy?
JM: Sure. If he comes out of his hiding hole…
TK: You mean vagina…
JM: You know it. Describe the current state of Shiny Metal Ass Records.
TK: It’s still there…just things are a little quiet from the poof bags that are on the label. I think I am going to fuck some of them off. You know…those bands whose name’s I forget.
JM: Does the label still have a future?
TK: Yeah, sure…gotta release our stuff somewhere and we gotta uphold the mantle of Coolest Label in History.
H: I hope so…I need somewhere to sleep. I use the broom closet.
JM: So then each morning you can say you’re coming out of the closet.
TK: Oh BURN!
H: Fuck you…I hope you get raped in your sleep by a rogue Turkish preist or whatever.
JM: Yeah I look forward to the day, I’ll have the lube waiting bedside.
H: Lube is for pussies.
TK: Pussies have their own lube…arseholes don’t.
JM: There you go folks. Pure genius at work…looks at the producer; **how much longer do I have to do this?** What are you bright sparks going to be doing following the release of the album?
TK: Tell the entire world what a fucking DOUCHE BAG you are…ahahaha, nah I’m just kidding, your alright. CUNT FACE! Good night, this interview is over…I hope you get fired. Tomi stands up, drags Habib by the shirt and walks out swearing and cursing.
JM: Thanks for coming in Tomi, I’ll be sure to ask for a reference if ever your wishes play out in reality. Fuck me, ok, well here is the first EVER glimpse of the new Infidels! album …this song is called, ahh, ‘Jimmy Him is an Embarrasment to Finland’
A squealing guitar layed over the top of traditional Finnish humppa music played at a break neck speed with Tomi blurting lyrics in his native Finnish tongue.
