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The following video stream was posted on the Thick Chewy Crust website...
Our scene opens with a shot of a pale-skinned Caucasian male, who can’t be older than twenty-seven years of age, seated on a cream-colored leather sofa. The man has long black hair, prominent sideburns and a five o’clock shadow. He is wearing a black leather jacket, black shirt, blue jeans and black boots. In his hand he is holding a glass filled with what appears to be bourbon. The man slowly draws a sip from the glass, takes a deep breath and then exhales. His deep blue eyes look straight ahead, as if peering into your soul.
Man: My name is Bobby Cairo and I am an American.
The man, Bobby Cairo, speaks with a slight accent, hinting of New England by way of Long Island, though his accent does not inhibit the clarity of his speech.
Bobby Cairo: The year was 1983. A pagan named Reagan was sacrificing virgins in the name of his great global empire. I was born.
Cairo draws another sip from his bourbon.
Bobby Cairo: Upon emerging from my mother’s nether regions I quickly learned that much of the world consists of uninformed baboons that spew their hate-filled rhetoric at each other in a vain attempt to feel superior and important. I was perceptive from a very early age.
Cairo studies his glass as if he were a pirate studying a treasure map, before taking a final sip that empties the glass of its contents. He places the glass down on the solid mahogany table in front of him, making sure to use a coaster in order to avoid leaving a stain on the beautiful, polished wood.
Bobby Cairo: My parents were rock and rollers, hippies even, products of the 60’s, flower power and all that jazz. Some of it rubbed off on me, at least the rock and roll part. I liked Van Halen and The Zep, paid tribute to Jerry Lee Lewis, and I could certainly dig peace, love and understanding. Never could get into the smell of patchouli though. I thought it smelled like shit then and I still think it smells like shit nearly three decades later.
Cairo shakes his head.
Bobby Cairo: That’s right. I’m almost thirty and I can hardly believe it. Where have the years gone? I’ve been a fighter and a lover. A gentleman and a jackass. I’ve experienced the heights of euphoria and I’ve been tortured by my demons.
Cairo taps the empty glass that sits in front of him with his finger.
Bobby Cairo: This magical nectar has seen me through it all.
Cairo sighs.
Bobby Cairo: I would like to think that I’ve been productive with my time in this world, because I’m not someone who believes in life after death, Heaven and Hell. I believe that we each get one chance at life and it’s up to us to make the best of it, regardless of the hand that we’re dealt. I was fortunate enough to be born into a working class family with roots that extend all the way back to Europa, the motherland. Many people, far too many people, wish that they were born into a rich family. Not me. I certainly don’t have any regrets about learning the value of hard work and the importance of being earnest from an early age. Those values have shaped me into the man that I am today.
Cairo casually runs his hand through his long, slicked-back hair.
Bobby Cairo: My family is, was, and will forever remain the greatest influence in my life, along with my beautiful bride, Suenaga Birch. Ahh…sweet Suenaga.
A loving smile spreads across Cairo’s face.
Bobby Cairo: I met Sue when she was eleven and I was twelve. We were married one year later. Ours was the epitome of love at first sight, to borrow an old cliché. That woman, then just a girl, changed my life inexorably. Before we met I was having my fun, hanging out with anarchists, rebelling against all things that I labeled “establishment”, doing the things that young boys do. Unfortunately there was a price to pay for all of that tomfoolery…I became addicted to prescription cough syrup.
Cairo breathes a heavy sigh.
Bobby Cairo: This was long before the days of Lil Wayne. Nowadays purple drank is all the rage, but back then it was an underground phenomenon and the shit was ka-razy. I used to get into fights with people on the street while I was tripping on Codeine. If I stumbled into a stranger on the sidewalk and they said so much as a word to me, I would flip out. I got my ass beat on more than one occasion. That’s how I learned to fight. I would get my ass beat, learn what not to do during a fight, and apply the opposite technique, the technique that was being used on me. It came in handy during my later career as a professional wrestler.
Cairo rubs his not-so-smooth chin with his hand, a serious expression plastered on his face.
Bobby Cairo: One thing that people quickly learn about me is that I don’t bullshit. I don’t like bullshit and I don’t have time for bullshit. I tell you exactly what’s on my hand. I am not Lady Gaga. I will not show you my poker face. I will however show you my cold cut of American steel before I introduce hot lead up your yin-yang. Worse than that? My hands and feet are lethal weapons in their own right and they act faster than my itchy trigger finger. Don’t worry, I only lash out if you get in my face and start a ruckus.
Cairo nods his head.
Bobby Cairo: I apologize if I came across as brusque just now. Like I said, I don’t bullshit and I don’t like bullshit. As long as you understand that, then we’re cool. I don’t claim to be the toughest dude walking this earth, not for one moment. I wrestled professionally for several years, reigning as a champion in the northeast United States until I was defeated by a Canadian woman, a true hardcore wrestling legend, in a loser leaves town match. Rather than continuing my wrestling career elsewhere I decided that there was more to life than fighting, even in a regulated sporting environment.
Cairo chuckles.
Bobby Cairo: It was my wife who encouraged me to pursue my lifelong dream of playing doom metal for a living. Suenaga is the most gifted vocalist and songwriter that I have ever met. Can you imagine what it would sound like if Kate Bush, Björk and Fiona Apple were wrapped inside a riddle and punctuated by an enigma? That is my sweet Suenaga, my partner in music and in life. I worship the ground that she treads upon with her dainty peds. Before I met Sue, I was lost like a satellite floating aimlessly in space. Sue gave me a purpose for existence, like the apple that conked Sir Isaac Newton on his noggin.
Cairo sighs lovingly as he slides into a reclined position on the sofa.
Bobby Cairo: Fifteen glorious years ago, Sue and I shared our vows on the banks of a river in the Tropics. A Zen master presided over the ceremony. It was a wholly unconventional affair, but it could not have been more beautiful. Suenaga was barefoot and wearing a sundress. I was wearing only the protective layer of fur that has coated my body since I was a young lad, and a pair of cutoff jean shorts. It was in that moment, the moment when Suenaga and I each said “I do”, that I overcame my life-threatening addiction to prescription cough syrup. I overcame all of my fears and insecurities. Even though I was just a boy, I became a man reborn thanks to the love of a good woman.
Cairo pauses for a moment to reflect.
Bobby Cairo: Life hasn’t been all peaches and cream, I’ve lost loved ones through the years and I’ve had my share of disappointments, but Sue has kept me steady. Now we are united in music, our bond stronger than ever, as we embark upon this new journey in our lives together. I must confess that it was I who came up with the delightfully whimsical moniker for our band. How does one settle upon a name such as Thick Chewy Crust? All I can say is that I was high as fuck one night and munching on a deep dish pizza when inspiration struck. I told Sue about the name when she woke up that morning and she thought it was a riot, silly but fun, like Strawberry Alarm Clock and Vanilla Fudge, two bands that our parents exposed us to when we were younger.
Cairo smiles.
Bobby Cairo: Suenaga is ethereal in her approach to music. I am menacing and abrasive. Together we make it work. It is our kinship, our unbreakable bond that has made us soul mates, and we now share that same wonderful chemistry as band mates. At the present time Sue and I are touring South America, after having established a modest yet loyal following in our homeland, the United States. Soon we will begin work on our debut album. As we explore new territory both sonically and geographically, we invite you to join us. Please, take a bite of our Crust.
Cairo once again stares into your soul with his baby blues, a reassuring smile spread across his face. The scene fades to black.
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