To be invited aboard the duke of Winchester is quite an honor. My invite was certainly up to the job. It arrived by carrier pigeon and looked every part of a golden ticket to Willy wonka's factory. In a way? I guess it kind of was. Many supposed wonderful things had happened on that ship..along with a few tragic ones.I would actually like to get an interview with the ship itself. If walls could talk and all that....but I have an interview with the next best thing,Erich Hess. The self elected captain of this ship. I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't actually have a captains licence ,but did find the hat in a trash can.

The invite said the ship was docked in new orleans. So off I went to the big easy. The town seemed like a place Erich Hess would haunt. Constant state of disrepair,famous for it's debauchery,and as tacky a tourist trap as they come. I eventually found the ship docked in a slip that wouldn't be out of place in any film noir setting. Think every film where some thing shady was going down at "the docks". Except there wasn't fog at this hour of day. There was however a thick haze of mosquitoes. Note to self: Google how many mosquitoes is it safe to inhale.
I looked around and didn't see any sort of door of anyway to enter the ship. Erich has an intense distrust of telephone technology,so I couldn't call him. So I did the only sensible thing I could think of: yell. I spent near five minutes yelling up at the rusted side of the ship to no avail. I did seem to be quite the spectacle to some fishermen.

I had travelled too far to just turn around.So I Sat on a bucket and scrolled through my contacts. There had to be someone I could contact who could in turn get in contact with Erich. As I glanced up at the side of the ship ,I saw "kick here" hand written in the ugliest shade of green I had ever seen.frustrated,I gave the ship a good kick . a dull thud was heard and instantly a rope ladder was tossed down to me.

" well god Damn,it's about time you used the doorbell like a sensible man,instead of yelling like a moron." came a voice from far above me. Hearing Erich speak...it's almost comical. Nobody is really that southern . if you close your eyes,you could picture him on the set of "deliverance" or "2000 maniacs". After an embarrassingly long time climbing the rope ladder,I was standing on the deck and face to face with Erich Hess."I nearly started to cut the rope. Light a fire under your ass. Nothing gets you into high gear like life threatening danger." Erich quips,drinking a large glass of water in a single gulp. " need I remind you,we are nearly 98% water..I could've drowned just like that!" he wildly says,snapping his fingers for punctuation.I give him nervous laughter. Its hard to tell if Erich is Joking of not. It could go either way,and he doesn't seem like one you want to rile up.it doesn't help when he tosses the glass into the pool and shoots it with a small pistol.I take several glances at the rope ladder. Its not too late to escape.

step into my parlor,said the spider.lets talk of other things. Of ships and sealing wax.cabbages and kings! Erich implores,opening a portholed door to the interior of the ship. For several minutes he leads me into the depths of the ship. We pass many gilded rooms and rooms with What looks to highly illegal substances in them. You name it,and it seems to be manufactured here. Erich notices me eying a room with several breakers full of clear liquid."we cut out the middle man and pass the savings on to you" he says in possibly the sleaziest used car salesman voice I've ever heard....before shoving handfulls of little pieces of paper into my hands." onwards and downwards! he sings and keeps on walking.I have to say I'm getting slightly nervous around this point. The already low ceiling in the hall has gotten lower,due to the number of pipes overhead . the low rumble of the engines is also unsettling.any thing could happen down here.ANYTHING. we finally arrive at a large metal door that Erich slides just enough for us to enter.

With an audible clunk,numerous florescent lights flicker to life. Flicker being the key word here,as over half do not emit a constant light. If I was with most other celebrities,I'd say we were among their car collection.being Erich Hess, it looks more like a small junkyard.out of about 45 cars,3 actually have shiny paint. We weave in and out of many tetanus shot inducing heaps before Erich hops on the roof of one. "this 55 Chevy was once owned by ed Roth! You can just make out the lettering on the door." Erich proudly says, assuming that this should impress me. Who the Hell is ed Roth? I'd also barely call what Erich is sitting on a "car". Its basically a windshield and some seats. The rest of it could be somewhere in the junk collection though."this is my thinking car.it's where I do all my interviews.at least starting today.yes! Yes! Feel the ideas flow into my head." Erich says in a half spooky,half erotic tone. His rubbing His forehead against the vehicle doesn't help to calm me. Erich is just as strange as he is rumoured to be.I causally look at my phone as if I'm checking for the time. I'm not of course,I'm checking for a signal. I'm clearly with a mad man I know is carrying a firearm.....help. But there is no signal in the depths of the ship. "200 tons of steel and lead paint play hell with the signal. I can't get reception either." he shrugs when he spots me. I take a chance and ask him why a man who doesn't use a phone would care about reception.
" I likes my porn.I especially like it on the go. I watch in the moat.I watch it on a boat .....fuck it. Its too early to talk like Dr suess." Erich laughs a little and takes a drink from a flask. Its contents could be alcohol,but I wager its got some thing else for a kick.

We had the man,we had the setting.it was time to start the interview proper.I took up a seat on the fender of some vehicle that probably hadn't moved since Margaret Thatcher was in office.
The first thought I had was to ask just what atomic war bride had been up to. It had been a very long time since they released anything or even toured.
Erich runs a comb though his hair and lights...some thing. It doesn't smell like tobacco and it doesn't smell exactly like marijuana . you wouldn't believe me if I told you.it's not every day a man plays golf with Sam Sneed and boxes with buddy Hackett. All whilst cavorting about in a lacklustre way.THATS what I've been doing" he answers in an accusing,almost indignant tone. You ever watch those interviews when Charles Manson seems REALLY off his rocker? Yeah. That's what this feels like.

I tentatively ask him to specify,namely music wise, as to what he's been doing with his time."not a god damned thing!I got the son of a bitch gauls on one side of me,and the mutherfucking Huns on the other. And here I am In the middle with my dick in my hand,wandering what do I do next? Its a jungle out there and I've forgot my mosquito net." this is said in such a matter of fact way,i catch myself looking around to see this mystery invaders. if anything,just to take my eyes off erich. lord knows he isnt above whipping it out.


I honestly don't know what to make of his answer. Its not exactly gibberish , there is a definite thought pattern to his answer.I decide to let it be. Remeber what I said about Erich being dangerous to rile? It goes triple when he gets all worked up like now.I've never heard of him hurting anyone,but he can be rather imposing. Maybe business isn't the best thing to talk about right now. So I change the subject to Karoliena summers' pregnancy."danged fool went and got herself knocked up. I told her,I TOLD her to use protection. But did she listen? Nooooo. Kids these days. Buy Em books and send Em to school. What do they do but eat the fucking covers? its madness i tells ya,madness.

did erich just insinuate that karoliena's child was conceived the old fashioned way?! this could be the scoop of the century....in as far as minor celebrities are concerned.i had to ask this carefully. erich has many things,but a filter on what he says is not one of them. so i casually ask about how the child was conceived. " how the fuck should i know?! this band is a democracy,yes! not some cult of personality. i am not all up in the girl's kool aide. i dont know the flavor. for all i know some divine being came down and willed her pregnant. maybe the myth about eating peach seeds is true and there is a fucking peach tree growing inside of her as we speak. in several years,we will finally have karoliena brand peaches....at least before god damned monsanto tries to patent her. but i wont let them. as god as my witness,i WILL NEVER let those bastards get their clutches on her.its the least i can do,you know. she put the war bride on the map and continues to be our goodwill ambassador. poor dear has like...what? 40 mouths to feed now? i wouldnt be able to call myself her friend if i didnt try to protect her from monsanto."

now is when i start backing away slowly.its obvious erich believes his own bullshit and is probably inches away from cracking completely. still,i have questions to ask...and i need to get on his good side or else i will never find my way out of this ship.i smile and nod slowly while trying to regain my thought train.i try to calm him by telling him he is doing a good job. this throws him into a....i dunno what you would call it. he leaps off the roof of the car and swats wildly. " dont you patronize me! you think its easy doing what i do? by gum,it isnt .you could churn fucking butter with the acts i do. i dont mean that margarine shit either.i mean good old fashioned american butter. the kind of butter that won the war. the kind of butter you would be PROUD to use for lube. you best believe these acts are butter. cause they DAMN sure believe in you." erich puffs angrily on the ...whatever he is smoking. at this point it wouldnt surprise me if it was crack or meth. whatever it is,is NOT mellowing him down.i take anouther few steps backwards and trip over a discarded bumper. my only thought is to try to guide us back to the sorta serene erich hess. i ask him about his wife,semi forgotten star,ada von wannemaker. this causes erich pause for a moment. he stuffs his hands into his ever present leather jacket, and begins chewing on something small and green that he retrieved.

"to answer that..to answer that you would have to have picked the sphinx's nose. and by the look of you,you have not. the members of the sphinx nose pickers can spot each other right off. you dont have the look. you dont look like a man who has grabbed the six nipples of a mythical creature and yanked as hard as you could, yanked until there were but four!" erich shoves his hands in his pockets and pulls out 4 little green circle..things. he glares at me and shoves them in his mouth. he chews with the determination usually reserved for bomb squad members. this is the first time he seems like he is actively avoiding a question...which is odd seeing as his previous answers make just about as much sense.

i slowly get to my feet and rack my brain for some other questions. this fellow could probably throw walter kronkite off his game. the first thing i blurt out is :how about them braves?

erich takes another few chews of whatever he is eating,putting his finger up to signify he is still chewing. he swallows and nods. "well,i think they are going to do pretty good this year. but i dont see them going past round 2 of the world cup. the fucking heat in dubai is a killer and i dont think even the georgia boys will be able to handle it. my pick? the mets."


im pretty sure there is a lot wrong with what he just said. i know little about sports,i just saw the phrase on a t shirt once.he seems more jovial now,so i settle back on to the car fender to continue. karoliena has mentioned the war bride will be playing a show soon over twitter.she naturally seemed to have some concern about performing while pregnant,so this is my next question.

"i honestly cant tell you when,what,or where it is. all i know is we are going to perform. we are going to perform like a barrel of monkeys. we are going to perform like the best vibrator money can buy! we are going to perform like the highest rated socks on amazon. we are going to knock that shat out of the park. you know why? because not only is karoliena eating for two,shes going to be fucking bassing for two! the amniotic power will be flowing through her hands like the proverbial masked vole. boom! booom! boom! is what her hands will be doing on that bass. dont you worry one bit about her being too delicate to play. havent you seen a wildlife special before? a pregnant guppy will gnaw your fucking balls off if you try swimming with it. that is the untapped power of pregnant people. i say we put more of them on stage. fuck it,start a whole god damned choir of the knocked up. picture it....bellies as far as you can see,belting out "la fortuna" like its going out of style. its majestic,really. there really isnt another word for it. erich rants for a little while. his motions cause flakes of rust to fall from the car he is sitting on. its almost touching to see the passion he has...at least until your brain processes what he is actually saying.

i see my chance. erich is showing a rather tender side and could be opening up. for as much as we have seen erich on tv and stage,his personal affairs are almost a mystery. so i ask him for a personal story. one that really made him the man he is today.

"well..."erich starts.he stares off into the distance,like ceasar looking over conquered territories.i can see the gears turning in his head.i just know this is going to be great. this is where i finally get through to him. "im not going to lie...he says with sincerity and then.....nothing. he doesnt say a word.he just stares at me until i finally get uncomfortable. wordlessly,he pushes a button and the grimy wall and the loading doors open,spewing light into the room. the light of day does the room no favors. it looked better in the dark. erich's expression hasnt changed. he looks like one of those kiddie rides when the quarter runs out. i...take this as my cue to leave and gently walk towards the opening to new orleans. this is one assignment i am glad i did. but never want to do again. erich hess' antics are fun to read about and watch. but to be in the same room as them? no.