Erich Hess:as the host.
Marilyn von Mansfield.:as bikini clad assistant extraordinaire.
with special guest........
Mariko kobayashi 
Coming to you live from the D Deck lounge,aboard the luxurious Ocean liner: the duke of Winchester.
The show 's theme song plays and the camera pans over the stylish lounge. Several people are not so casually milling around.most of them awkwardly glance at the camera. As the camera pan continues,a boom Mic clearly knocks a man off his barstool. The pan slows as it reaches Erich Hess.
Erich is seated behind the bar. He's dressed in an
Fashionable,if very outdated suit. There is a martini glass in front of him,and a cigarette holder in his hand. Marilyn is sitting on top of the bar,clad in the pictured red bikini. She yawns as she spins a drink tray with her finger.
Erich: *trying not to move his mouth.* Marilyn,we're on.
Marilyn: hm?
Erich:we're on. Start passing out drinks.
Marilyn: no! You do it.
Erich: I'm the host. I don't get up from behind the desk. If the viewers see me out of my natural habitat,they will lose all respect for me. I have to assert my dominance over them....besides,I'm not wearing pants.
Marilyn:*grimaces* ew. Fine.drinks. lemme just grab the vermouth.
Marilyn leans across the bar and then shrieks.
Erich: what? did you think I was lying?
Marilyn: I get that....but why is it...you know..hard?
Erich: I snorted viagra before the show.
Marilyn: um...do you need it? I thought you were still relatively young.
Erich: no. I was seeing if you could get high off it.
Marilyn: that's not how that works. That not how it works at all.
Erich: well pardon me for thinking outside the box. Someone had to be the first person to try eating weird little cacti. Huey Lewis wanted a New drug. Why Not me?
Marilyn: I...whatever. Could you just hand me a bottle of vermouth. Preferably one your penis isn't touching.
Erich: sorry. our vermouth shelf is right at genital height. *hands her a bottle*
Marilyn: *starts making some martinis* that's a perfect segue into the news of the week: weekend dick sizes.
Erich: true. The fact of the matter is: if you're in a band long enough,you WILL see your bandmates naked bodies. Its just a thing. Much like the Sun rising. Or fat kids liking cake. Luckily,I'm the only male in my band. So I know I have the biggest dragon in the kingdom.
Marilyn walks around and starts handing out drinks. If you don't want a martini,too bad. You're getting a martini. The camera follows Marilyn,as she's way prettier than Erich.
Marilyn : isn't your drummer male? Because if you're the biggest....yikes. Sorry for that guy.
Studio audience: oooooooooh.
Erich: I don't know. The bastard is antisocial or some thing.
Marilyn : at least he still has hope. *hops back up on the bar and swings her feet.*
Erich: forgetting someone? *glances at empty glass*
Marilyn : *glances at clock* sorry. I'm on break. I'll get back to you in 15.
Erich:oh....well, I guess I can pour my own. Its a bit unorthodox,but I can manage.
Marilyn: *smacks erich's hand*
Erich:*howls in pain and clutches his hand* the fuck is wrong with you?! Your rings hurt!
Marilyn: are you an owner of a bartending license?
Erich: um...no. Does it really matter?
MArilyn: yes it kind of does. Aboard this ship.at this bar. A license is required.you'll have to wait until my break is over.
Erich:* sighs heavily.* fine. I guess we'll move on to....
readers' rides. ...wait. Readers rides?! We're a tv show. Who's reading anything? Who writes this shit?!
Marilyn:you do,Mr H.
Erich: oh boy...I'm going to need more drinks to get though this. Anyways, on...ugh *rolls eyes*
reader's rides we will look at the spiffiest cars from our spiffiest fans. This weeks ride is:.....really?
Marilyn: that was the only submission we got.
Erich: shit...do you have a car?
Marilyn: no. I pretty much exist for the purpose of this show.
Erich: Damn. Ok. Our first readers' ride comes from Cornwall,UK. It's Arthur Sinclair's 1971 reliant robin. Arthur says the key to his robin's good health is never actually driving it and weekly rub downs with his mothers used support hose.
Marilyn: lets hear it for Arthur! * jumps up and down,testing the tensile strength of her bikini top*
Studio audience: *having none of it.everyone is on their phones or asleep. One or two may actually be dead.*
Marilyn: ...or not. Up next? Our special guest.....
Mariko Kobayashi!!!!!
Studio audience: yay..whatever.
Mariko comes out to the part of the 1812 overture that everyone knows. She's wearing what she is wearing in the picture. She uses her hands to hold the shirt far enough down to cover her ass. She uses her finger tips to wave to the crowd. Erich claps and gestures to the stool in front of the bar. Mariko sits and makes sure the shirt covers as much as it can.
Erich: you snort viagra too?
Mariko:*looks down at her bare legs and laughs* you can do that?
Erich: can and should are two different things.
Mariko: oh.
Erich: so tell us,Mariko...how did you become trouserless?
Mariko: well,funny story. Someone stole my jeans out of my dressing room.
Erich: thieves?! On my ship?! If I had some pearls,they would be sooooooo clutched right now.
Marilyn: wow. Can't trust anyone these days. *hops back on the bar.now wearing some short jeans that look suspiciously Mariko sized.*
Mariko: hey! Those are mine!
Marilyn: I'll give them to you later. *Places her hand on Mariko's*
Mariko: oh!
Erich:*clears throat* moving along....so Mariko,what's with the new look? I can't help but notice that you look different.
Mariko: I really took the "new year. New me" to heart!
Erich: it's near may...
Mariko: I slept in on New year's day.
Erich: nice. Don't let a punk ass calendar boss you around. I take it the whole school girl and sword show is out to pasture?
Mariko: you assume wrong. Partially. The school girl outfits are being put away.
Studio audience: * collectively groans*
Mariko: I know. I know. But I'm over that whole thing,you know? I want New costumes. Who knows,I may still use the school one for special shows. *winks*
Erich: I don't know, Mariko. I see this going about as well as KISS without the makeup.
Mariko: oh I'm still going to use the sword and be drenched in blood every show. I can't survive off musical merit alone!
Erich:preaching to the choir. If I wasn't entertaining off stage,I sure as hell wouldn't have a career.
Marilyn: I don't find you all that entertaining off stage.
Erich: keep it up,marilyn and you'll find yourself unemployed.
Marilyn: I don't care. The bikini clad eye candy union has great benefits.
Mariko: I've heard that.
Erich: so what has been going on career wise?
Mariko: lots of stuff. I started and ended a project with vara Gallo. I did some work with mister b,which I believe has been shelved or something. Currently, I'm working on two new songs which should be out before summer. I don't like to rush myself *giggles*
Erich: mister b?! You were really looking to get an award,huh? That mother fucker makes everything turn to gold.
Mariko: *whistles innocently* he was very fun to work with and very talented. If the song ever does surface,all I did was sing what he told me.
Erich: and vara? That project has the makings of greatness. I really enjoyed you two working together on that Alice in wonderland song.
Mariko: I'm lucky in that I choose really talented people as ex lovers. Yes,vara did come back Into my life. Briefly. I thought I could use my bitterness toward her for the greatest music I ever would release.....but instead we just sort of stared at each other in silence. The magic was gone and never will come back. We never recorded a note.
Erich: what do you think of the current influx of k pop? Fucking shit is everywhere. I went to pee this morning,and had to shoo like 30 singing and dancing girls out of my bathroom.
Mariko: I need a bathroom like yours! *cracks up.* I actually don't like k pop at all, Or even our home grown Japanese flavor.
It just isn't my thing. But it is nice seeing people that look similar to me in the mainstream.
Erich: that leads us more into the more fun and gossipy part of the interview.
Mariko: the interview started?! I thought we were just chit chatting until the show was on the air..
Erich: I get that a lot on this show.
Marilyn: it's only the second episode.
Erich: quiet,you.
Marilyn makes her rounds and refills drinks to ensure proper amounts of jovial for the next segment. A few minutes of furious drinking are shown. In an ideal world,there would be a commercial break. But nobody wants to sponsor erich's show.
Erich: Mimi,CMDB,9 lives....which one for a night of wild passion?
Mariko: I think chaelin is really beautiful ....but the ambitious part of me has to go with 9 lives. It would be like a video game. *makes a deep voice* can Mariko take on 9 lovers at once....
Erich: why do you seem to hate Payton?
Mariko: ugh *shivers* why doesn't every one is a better question. He seems like a real life advertisement for axe body spray. I can't even lust after Andrea anymore. He took that away from me.
Erich: would there ever be a chance of you getting back with Nina Tarantino?
Mariko: none. I don't trust myself to committ to anyone again. Besides,I want to make it awkward and get with the mom of aire.
Erich:* clears throat* I'm a taken man,so I will let that lay idle.
Marilyn: Erich had a total crush on miss Smith.
Erich: Marilyn !
Marilyn: *sips her drink* I said had. You're safe,Mr h.
Erich: my show,or cara's show?
Mariko: cara.hands down. Then Ezra,then Mr suspicious,then your show.
Erich: Mr suspicious?! You would rather be on a show that only exists in an alternate universe than my show?!
Mariko: yes.
Marilyn: truth be told,this is kinda a poor rip off of his show.
Erich: I haven't done "suspicious disease of the week"! * crumbles paper and throws it under the desk* moving along, who would you most want to have a crazy ,non sexual night out with?
Mariko: Billy Kahn. I'm very competitive with my sister.I think he needs a night out with the best kobayashi sister. I can drink waaaay more than hitomi. I also have better weed.
Erich: well,that's it. * gulps down his martini* any closing words,Mariko?
Mariko: I'd really like my pants back. Its really cold in here.
MaRilyn : sorry. Bikini clad co-host union rules.
Erich: co host is a bit strong of a word. Ok. Thanks all for making episode one,season two a success! Nilla wafers all around.
Marilyn: if you or a friend would like to be a guest: write your name,address,credit card number (with expiration date and three number code on the back),and a recipe for homemade danishes on a 3x5 card. Crumple it up and throw it away. You'll be glad you did.
