Psychoville
Erich hess
Aboard the Duke of Winchester. E deck lounge.
Psychoville: hello and welcome to our sit down interview with Erich Hess. He's invited us to his lovely home: the Duke of Winchester. We're currently sitting off the coast of California and it's bitter cold.
Erich: shhh. You'll give my fireplace a complex. *Pats fireplace lovingly* it's ok little fella,i know youre trying your best. That's all anyone ever can ask. You want some nice hickory? Daddy will get you some hickory.
Psychoville:o...k.
Erich: a bond between a man and his ship is a sacred thing. Don't you scoff,dont you dare scoff!
Psychoville: I'm not...on to the questions?
Erich: yeah.i think that's for the best. We ain't going all Crispin Glover here.
Psychoville: this year,atomic war bride actually delivered on their promise of a Halloween ep. What happened last year?
Erich. We released one. But a lot of people think we didn't. It's like that Mandela effect thing. It was released. It was based on....um...that movie. You know the one. It has that guy with the hair?
Psychoville: Friday the thirteenth?
Erich: nah...the other one.
Psychoville: nightmare on elm Street?
Erich: sure. Why not.
Psychoville: both those films have bald killers.
Erich: I've about had with your gotcha journalism. Im not sarah Palin. And maybe we didn't actually release an ep last year. But we did this year and it was glorious.
Psychoville: previous years Halloween EPs have been based on: cannibal Holocaust, house of a thousand corpses,motel hell..... so why willy Wonka and the chocolate factory? It's not exactly a horror film.
Erich: it always scared me as a kid. Everything about it was unsettling. The colours used in the factory. Wonka's complete disinterest in the fate of the children,the GOD DAMNED TUNNEL SCENE.... seriously. This movie is very bit as fucked up as a slasher film. Yet wonka himself is charming as fuck. That's who I wanted to be when I grew up. Willy Wonka or Caesar Romero's joker from the old Batman tv show.
Psychoville: i guess. I always found it odd,but not exceptionally scary. Say....you kinda look like the guy from the remake.
Erich: fuck you,i do not.
Psychoville: a little. Awb is arguably the biggest rock band kn the world right now....so why a limited production of about 600,000? All were sold within 48 hours.
Erich: if only limited amount is produced,and we sell them all? It makes us look successful. That means money. Money to cover our naked asses with! Plus,it makes it all the more spooky when the backwards messages cause people to wear cardigans and punt oranges. And please don't use an acronym. Just say the fucking words.
Psychoville: wait,what?
Erich:what?
Psychoville: you said something about backwards messages.
Erich: no I didn't.
Psychoville: yes you did.
Erich: no. That's ludicrous. Want an orange?
Psychoville: see? You're offering me an orange.
Erich: I'm from Florida. That's our custom,you uncultured swine
Psychoville:.momma told me there'd be days like this.... anyways take me through the recording process of this.
Erich: the engineer pressed record. We played out instruments? That's about it. Then we repeated that process 3 more times.
Psychoville: you know what I mean. Like in the press release for it,it seems the sound direction of atomic war bride is all karoliena Summers
Erich: oh yes. Karoliena is very much the musician. I'm just the entertainer. as a rule,i write some lyrics and she comes up in with the best way to present them. We're like a dog in heat. Shes the head and im the haunches that arecthrust into the air.
Atomic war bride is all about the thrusting haunches.
Psychoville: speaking of karoliena,is her family life the reason the war bride has drastically cut their touring schedule?
Erich: meh. I don't think so. There just isn't anyone to tour with these days. Is atomic war bride going to tour with. At last not fun people. Nothing against Lincoln or cristina lake,but am I going to snort coke and steal construction equipment with them?! Fat fucking chance. I need to tour with someone who's going to stick their dick into a can of Campbell's tomato soup and use it to write Shakespearean sonnets on burger King windows. Without that,whats the use of touring?
Psychoville: people do that?
Erich: how do you think I write the lyrics for atomic war bride songs? Pen and paper? Fucking laptop? I'm not a savage. I use penis and condensed soup like any sane person does. Jeez.
Psychoville: how do you avoid indecent exposure charges?
Erich: first step is having a decent willy. The second step is finding a closed burger King. This isn't really all that difficult. Since this mainly occurs at night, bringing some deep woods OFF! is wise. Unless you can train mosquitoes to bite your willy in all the right places. Sure,youll be itchy..but you'll gain inches in both length and girth.
Psychoville: you are a strange man.
Erich: you see and do it all on the road.
Psychoville: you're rather notoriously private whem it comes to your personal life. So let's pry. Recently there was a spicy interview with rum from run and coke fame...
Erich: yeah.i had heard something about that.
Psychoville: so any truth to it? She makeZ it seem like there was something there.
Erich: *is quiet for a few moments before lighting a dog turd sized blunt* that event is a rather complicated subject. how could anyone not like rum? She's got a magnetic personality and is a real hoot to be around. And yeah,shes a beautiful woman,im not fucking blind. It's damned shame th song we did was never released. Hell,i don't even know where a copy of it exists. But it was really good. Rum does deserve all the praise she gets in this business and more. She wrote the entire song. Damn,i wish I knew where it was. But anyways, after a recording session we took a break in the casino. The one right down the hall from here. Nothing inappropriate went on,but my ex wife may have caught part of a sentence out of context and flipped her shit. *Takes a long drag from his blunt* things were ugly between her and rum ever since that day. Like,i was embarrassed at some of the stuff she would say to rum. Yeah,i knew I was pushing things towards toward the edge of being inappropriate. You know how taxing it is being married to a mentally ill person? It's nearly always 100% about them. Walking on eggshells gets really god damned old. So subconsciously,i probably did want to piss my ex wife off.
Psychoville:so you wanted out of your marriage?
Erich: hmm...nah.i think I was more about playing to her inherent insecurity. Ada and I were awful together. Amazing what you can see when you step away from something. I later found out that our friends had already made plans on which of them would get our daughter when the marriage failed in spectacular fashion. so o guess it was obvious to everyone but us.
Psychoville: what did become of your daughter?
Erich: fuck it I know. I know her name was changed and Ada doesn't seem to have her anymore. So good. I guess Marlena will finally have a chance now.
Psychoville: so you do-
Erich: that's all I have to say about the subject. Long story short,rum is hot. Ex wife crazy. Im not much better,life moves on.
Psychoville:o....k. semi related subject.. after the Halloween ep release you gota pretty sweet tweet from a certain head honcho of permanent reminder....one you've long referred to as your "friend"...
Erich: speaking of hot latinas... yeah, miss Selene is more than a friend. Calling her a "friend" was more a joke attempt to protect her reputation . We all know the Erich hess brand has a certain .....perception among the public. But yeah that's all you get from me on her. She's not an entertainer,so her life isn't public.
Psychoville:winding up here,whats something about you that most people don't know?
Erich: you ever pour glue on your hands and peel it of after it dries? Well I bought a vat of glue from the Elmer's factory. Which in spite of the phrase,i saw no old horses out front waiting to be made into glue. So I waded into the vat until i was neck deep in glue. And naked. The idea being I was going to wait for the glue to dry and then peel it off in one big piece. THEN, I would travel the world in a seedy circus as "snake boy! The only human who could shed his skin" I'd be the toast of London.i t get to meet the Queen. Possibly be given the keys to the city. The world was going to be my rocky mountain oyster. So I found a circus to hire me. It was a dodgy one. The ringmaster cooked meth using elephant dung for fuel. So there I was in the office/train car. Naked,but covered in glue. Needless to say,i was a little nervous. Which resulted in shrinkage. Let me tell you,that is not what you want while naked, covered in dried a d kn front of circus folk. I closed my eyes and strained.i strained harder than I ever did before. Using sheer will power ,I caused a massive erection. Straining harder,the blood filled penis cracked the dried glue and I was ready to shed my "skin".
With about 10 minutes and some help from the bearded lady,i was out of my "skin". I was hired on the spot and at a handsome sum too. Sadly,i only got to do on performance. Unbeknownst to me,the shady ringmaster took my discarded skin and deep fried it! He sold it as "snake boys famous people rinds". Like thirty people got sick from glue ingestion and the jig was up.
Psychoville.......
