Hiiii. The fact that it has been 10 whole years and I STILL can't grow facial hair is a personal attack.
February 17th is a day that always has me out of sorts. It's a poignant one for sure and one I dread each year as I always expect something big/terrible to happen. February 17th 2012. I attended the funeral of my great aunt - the first funeral I had ever attended. I hate the idea of death. I also hate the idea of public speaking. Of course that witch's last dig was to request for me to do a reading at her funeral. That day was filled with panic, fear, a lot of sweating, a horrendous sore stomach and nearly passing out.
February 17th 2014 - aka "the worst day of my life". I'll get straight to the point. That was the day I contemplated taking my own life. My father was dying (thankfully he made a miraculous recovery but at the time it was touch and go), I was failing my last year of school, I was out of my depth and it felt like everyone was too busy to notice. That day, I had an interview for one of the top universities in Scotland (and all of the UK if I remember correctly). This was before I was better acquainted with my city so it was a daunting thing going out to the west end on my own. I was interviewing for a spot in the education programme, in the hope of becoming a teacher. I didn't actually want to do that. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was just thrown into it because I had previous work experience as a teacher and I wanted everyone at my school to shut up about uni placements. I had no idea what I was doing. I was skipping school, hating it while I was there as I couldn't concentrate and was left with all the subjects I didn't want as I had to be a smartass and pass everything else the previous year, my dad was at Death's door, I was way out trying to earn a spot in this big, prestigious university while functioning on no sleep and looking ROUGH. Everything was getting on top of me, I REALLY felt the isolation that day as I was way over on the other side of the city on my own as a fragile teen. I contemplated throwing myself over a bridge that runs through a huge park behind the university.
February 17th 2016, a dear dear family friend passed away. Like I said earlier, I hate the concept of death but in a selfish way as it reminds me of my own mortality. However, this was the first time I really felt the loss. It wasn't about me. It was about her, Adeline. She was my mum's best friend, the mother of my brother's childhood best friend and just a lovely woman. I'm glad I got to know her better as I grew older but I truly think she'd be one of my best friends too if she were still here. The older I became, the more I "got" her. As a kid I used to think she was real whiney and moany. I had a very "you aren't my mum so you can't give me into trouble" approach. I then realised it was out of love. She loved me and my siblings. Adeline was a rather lonely woman. She was a single parent and unlucky in love. She really wanted to find someone and have more children. Unfortunately, she never had the opportunity. I hate cancer.
It is an odd feeling to be slightly looking forward to today due to its track record. However, February 17th 2011 was the day I joined this forum, making today my 10TH ANNIVERSARY! WTF?!?! Where did the decade go?! I can't believe that at around 7pm GMT (about 12 for most of you I think) will mark 10 whole years since I first saw a bunch of your usernames online. When I tell you February 17th is always a MOMENT. How is it going to simultaneously remind me of joining my beloved forum whilst also in the same breath bringing up scarring memories?? The nerve of this bitch.
When I first joined, it wasn't really me. I was there but living through my friend Carmel. She played the main game. When I was with her one night, a link to the forum popped up on the main site and we clicked it. I was blown away. It looked like everything I ever wanted. Be a pop star? Write songs? Design cover art? Damn right I bullied her into making an account. She created the username and the first two or three posts on here. After that, the novelty wore off for her and she let me have the account. Sadly she moved to Ireland not long after that and I haven't seen her much over the last 10 years. We are not as close as we once were and she doesn't even know how important she is to my story. She's living life across the sea as a mum of two now.
Elephant in the room, I assumed her identity for the first 6 years. Yikes! When I joined, I was a self-hating, insecure, God-fearing Catholic schoolboy. I was just 14 years old which is crazy to think of. The stuff I was writing at that age?! Someone better give me a number for a therapist. Long story short, I was scared of being queer. Scared of people finding out. Scared of what it might mean for me when I die. All the religious and social bollocks rolled into one. Being a "girl" and not really having to post any photos of myself meant I could be as campy, queer and lust over all gender of pop stars/entertainers as my heart desires. Teenage girls are "allowed" to do all that. Well, that's how I felt at the time anyway. Being Carmel was my protection. It got harder to keep it up the longer I was on here. I found myself in such a horrible position. I loved you guys but I had told a lot of lies to cover my ass. While a lot of things I told my fellow forum friends were true, I still changed a lot of details and embellished to suit my Carmel story. I was making genuine friends on here and was lying to their faces?? I couldn't do it. I literally cried out of guilt and fear leading up to my announcement. I was expecting backlash and to lose friends but you lot are just the sweetest. You embraced me and allowed me to flourish.
I owe so much to this forum and you guys. Not only has it nurtured my writing/creative skills and passions but it has done wonders for my mental health. While I still think I'm far from the best looking guy on the planet, I can now post pics of myself on here, on a personal Twitter and Instagram account all because of the support I had on here. You all got to know the bulk of my personality before attaching a face to it. It was like I was accepted in two stages. Once I realised that it didn't matter what I looked like, it gave me the confidence to actually be myself. Didn't have to hide behind pop star profile pics on Twitter any more. I could just be me.
I look back over the time here and it has been such a JOURNEY. The friendships I have made, the characters we've all created, the stories!!? My God! We truly are a talented bunch. The fact that we write entire albums all on our own while the biggest stars in the word have 45 co-writers on ONE track?? Where the hell are OUR record deals and GRAMMYS? I love the fictional world we have created here. While it is rich in lore and history, it is also a very private, special connection we have. So much goes into it for just a few select people in the world to read it and care. I love that. It's OUR thing. Like a family secret or inside joke among friends. I truly cherish it. It really tickles me in real life sometimes. Like every time I meet Shawn Mendes, while I'm still excited as I'm a huge fan, there's the part of me that has to bite my lip and stifle a giggle as he approaches because I keep thinking, "that's Joshua Grimmie!".
Hope I don't run over the character limit but I just HAVE to highlight you all individually. You've been part of my journey and you all hold a special place in my heart. If I miss anyone out, believe me it is not intentional and I still love you. My brain is just functioning at high speed right now with so many ideas and things I want to touch on.
FiveT/Daniele - My first forum friend. We really DO go back 10 years. You were the first person I ever told about my identity. I believe I told you within the first year and you respected my privacy and kept it to yourself. Truly indebted to you forever. We have such a similar taste in music with a love for pop bands, especially our beloved Spice Girls! I'm so glad that you are still here all these years later. You'll always have a special place in my heart, my first internet friend.
mebeme101/John - I know you are no longer on the forum but there was a time you and I were inseparable. It was super intense. We lived in each other's pockets for quite some time in 2012/13. Messaging what felt like every hour of every day, creating all these stories that still have an impact today. Dustyn and Blake? Billy and Andrea? Whew! I think working with you really cemented my staying here. Also, I told you about my identity pretty early on too and you also respected my wishes and helped me through so much. I miss you.
genocidalking/Scott - My fellow Scottish pal (who lives in Engl*nd but we won't dwell on that). You have been a rock to me. Being a few years older, your words always seemed to drip with wisdom. When life got tough for me and my dad and all the fluffy teenage bullshit seemed less important, you were there to listen and be a sounding block. A real solid pal. Forever grateful for the fucking PARAGRAPHS of messages we would send back and forth and even to this day, even though you aren't as active, you still often pop up and ask how things are going. It's always just like picking up where we left off. You're amazing.
erichhess/Josh - Josh. I don't think people know just how close we are. Practically message every single day on Instagram. I'm even confident enough to send you voice notes (even though I sound like Shrek), drunken photos and...well, things that shall remain our secret. Outside of my earlier friends, you were probably the first to really embrace me when I came out. I always loved you and your RP style but for the last 4/5 years, we've formed a real bond. We nurture each others whacky natures, have a bunch of our own FOUL inside jokes and are always there for one another. A day isn't right unless I've messaged you. Genuinely wouldn't know what to do without you. My best friend from across the pond. I love you.
Famouss7x7/Jaime - Likewise with Josh, I think people underestimate our friendship. We talk a LOT and you were also quick to embrace me. I remember being scared to tell you because we had grown a lot closer in the year leading up to it due to our Lincoln and Aaron story. You were so chill though. Weird to think I used to be intimidated by you when I first joined. I was an insecure teen and you seemed so sure of yourself and were doing what I wanted to do - firing out really sleek, well done pop records and juggling a plethora of well-rounded acts. I really envied you. You're a great writer and it's always an honour to work with you.
RoseJapanFan/Tequila - Again, I was really intimidated by you when I first joined! It's a me thing, though. You just seemed so confident and you were the first person whose real name I learned. Made me feel like you were so comfortable with yourself, which is what I wanted to be. When I joined, you were the IT girl. You posted a lot and all your RPs got so much traction and you stacked up those #1s with Izzy! I wanted to get in with you but feared we'd clash lol. Now, I'm so grateful to call you a friend. You're so sweet and I've noticed that you and I have similar opinions on a lot of things. You just have the guts to execute things while I go back in forth in my head lmao.
kandii/Semeria - My girl. When you first joined I lowkey thought you'd be trouble, coming for us mods like that! lmao. You came out swinging with a solid act like Rum & Coke and an RP full of gifs which wasn't done before. Very visual. I was like "who IS she?!". You also seemed very sure of yourself back in the day and I was shocked to realise that you too were claiming something that wasn't true. Can't believe you were just 5 years old omg! Seriously though, I've watched you grow into a wonderful young women and soon-to-be mother. You have wisdom beyond your years and a heart way bigger than that petite stature of yours. You're an absolute queen and don't you forget that.
stephaniewazhere/Daniel - When I talk about intimidation, you take the cake. Stephanie Fierce was THEE character when I first joined. I found your RPs so polished. She really did feel like music royalty, even though at the end of the day it's all make believe and a game. I still viewed her as like the pinnacle. When we reconnected years later, I was taken aback by how similar our stories were. I feel like you and I can relate on a more personal level when it comes to struggle with identity. So glad to see you flourishing with your relationship and being yourself. I'm now thankfully on that path too!
2001clay/Clay - We haven't known one another very long but you seem very kind and sweet. In a way, you sort of remind me of myself back when I joined. You just seem to want positive vibes, keep to yourself and focus on the art. It's clear you have a passion for this and have a love for music. Judging from a lot of soundalikes we use, I've noticed we have a similar taste in music too. You're the first "new" user in years who has actually stuck around and I love that so much. Hope to see you expand and flourish on here for the next however many years :)
PANIC!/Gabriel - There's a recurring theme of me being scared of people here haha. Back in the day, I will admit that I never "understood" you. I felt as if you didn't like me. You were another great RPer who I wanted to be like but I remember the first comment I got from you (IC, of course) was one that mocked my beloved boy band. 15 year old me took that to heart lmao. It has only been in the last year that we have gotten to know one another. We seem to be on a similar wavelength when it comes to creating and just opinions in general. I know we could chat whole paragraphs for ages in pm haha. Really glad we finally grew closer and I can't wait to keep working with you.
AtonicRecords/Axel - You're like a baby brother at this rate. I just want to protect you from everything and everyone. That might just be the queer boy wanting to protect another LGBT baby because I know you can handle yourself lol. You're very instrumental in me becoming far more confident in interacting with people. I often think about the group chat you added me to with Seme and Tequila. That wasn't long after I came out and was still nervous about how I was perceived. Forever grateful for that. Was taken under your wing and just fully embraced. You're such a lovely person and extremely talented. Your photoshop skills are wonderful and you write some amazing pop tunes. Jealous xoxo
freestylechamp/Jonathan - I just want to commend you for everything you do on here. You write some of the best raps I've ever laid eyes upon, you have a long-running show and within that, you always try to make everyone feel included by either reviewing their work or mentioning their stories on the show. Can't believe you do all that whilst also writing and being creative away from here. I just know I would burn up and out. Kudos to you for sticking around here despite being so busy. I really admire you for your ethic. I think you are a lovely, talented person. Never been any drama. You've been nothing but accepting of me and just an all round joy to RP with. Hope we can do even more in the future!
C4AJoh/Andrew - You really inspired me to step my writing game up. I always loved writing and English was my favourite subject in school. I always took pride in my work but after reading your stuff, I was left red in the face. So polished and refined. It's clear that you have a real talent and passion for this. Your words are of the highest calibre and I feel they are vastly underrated. What I admire so much about you is the high standard you've kept throughout the years. You are also very focused on the art and none of the drama that can come with being a mod on here. You just write masterpieces and go, also keeping a level head. I get too in my feelings over stuff haha.
GirlSpice/Stacy - You're the main reason I stepped my game up with RP. Your graphics made me want to learn how to edit. Your writing made me want to refine my words and expand my vocabulary. You're like a ready-made pop star and songwriter. I have always been in awe of your talent. Was absolutely floored when you returned and it seemed like you had never left. Although we aren't really close friends, I still smile whenever I see you online. Not only do I appreciate your stellar RPs but you are just such a lovely person that radiates a warmth.
Even though this is my story, one that I've felt every single raw emotion of over the years, it wouldn't be complete without you guys. You've all been instrumental and impacted my life in one way or another. Whether it was offering to RP, being a shoulder to cry on, giving me a compliment regarding my work, the butterfly effect is that I am still here and feeling stronger than the 14 year old boy who joined on this day in 2011. I can't thank you enough. I love you all. Here's to 10 more years!
