November 1, 2009 -- At the wise age of 22, PANIC! mastermind Ryan Ross Hernandez has had a handful of bad girlfriends, has suffered from depression, has picked feuds with pop artist through twitter, fell in love (or might still be) in love with his bandmate Ashley Perry, sold over eleven million albums (seven million with his band and another four million as a soloist), accidentally overdosed on a mixture of anxiety and sleeping medication, and attempted suicide a year ago. He's not the most normal of boys.

"I don't think people get me," Hernandez admits. "I'm much more comfortable hanging out with friends at home or behind a pen on a Friday night than going out. I think that can be troubling because whatever problems or flaws I have, I can only deal with them by writing about them and I can't have conversations with people about them. I think that's why I don't have a lot of close relationships with people. I feel more comfortable writing to four million people than I do have an intimate conversation with someone that I'm close to. I really wish that there was somebody that did get me, just for the record."

Hernandez says the massive amount of media attention the band has attracted hasn't helped other views, who see him as a scene icon, “sex” symbol and also a popular Christian role model (yes, apparently they can coexist), understand what's going on under his over-analyzed, misunderstood mind. In fact, as a professed narcissistic, self-pitying, anxiety-ridden, morose soul, Hernandez, who finds time on the road to do therapy exercise, finds the attention troubling because he doesn't feel worthy.

"When I see myself on the cover of magazines, I always feel worse," he explains with an unconvincing half-laugh. "I think people tend to see me as a pretty narcissistic person, like I'm licking my reflection off a TV screen. I'm bothered when I see myself on the front of a magazine! I think they're terrible looking."

So, imagine Hernandez' disdain when he made headlines by overdosing on a mixture of anxiety and sleeping medication.

"I was like, 'Honestly, I don't want to do this any more. My family [PANIC!] don't deserve this.' I called our manager up, a couple of minutes after I regained consciousness in the hospital and told him I didn't want to be in this band anymore," Hernandez recounts. "Like three minutes after I hung up with him, each bandmate one by one called me and talked me over it. Which kind of made me collect myself and I went online and saw that fans were wishing for me to get better and praying for me. That was really uplifting for me."

Hernandez has been trying to just 'live life' and coming to terms with the fact that he can't ask for people to hang on his every word and crave everything he puts out and expect nobody will take it that extra, indecent step.

"People in bands and in public places that expect [people not to pry] don't know what they're talking about," he explains. "They say 'I didn't sign up for this,' but I think the minute you're asking people to drink the Kool-Aid with you, then you are."

Still, the unrequited love dolled out by the scream-full by fans hasn't brought Hernandez out of his self-imposed isolation.

"There's certain compliments they will say, and I think I'm not really worthy of that. That can be troublesome," Hernandez confides. "I'll be sitting in a meet and greet and someone will say 'I love you, Ryan!' and I'm just sitting there, thinking that everyone I've ever truly loved are far away from me or just plain out don't know how much I love them."

As depressing as that sounds, Hernandez's gets inspiration from two simple things, real life experiences (mostly bad ones) and movies.

"I guess I'm just to lazy to read a book. But it's easier to love movies than people," he explains. "A film never lets you down. A film never betrays you. A film can't break your heart."

After recording Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner, Hernandez fell into a deep depression brought on by the anxiety of living up to the expectations, his unyielding self-doubt, and to make things worse his girlfriend at the time and bandmate Ashley Perry ended their relationship of nearly three years, which all came to ahead when he downed a handful of pills and had to have his stomach pumped.

PANIC! star Ryan Ross Hernandez stunned fans by revealing he was once so depressed he tried to kill himself. The rocker has spoken about his ordeal in an effort to encourage students suffering from mental illness to seek out professional help.

Hernandez admits he was paralyzed by insomnia, anxiety and depression just one year ago and he felt so lost and alone he attempted suicide.

During this already revealing interview, Hernandez says, "The darkest moment was when we had to call off our European/United Kingdom tour and two days later, when everyone went back to their homes and I decided to stay in Italy alone, and just felt completely lost and out of control. Being alone, I had so many time to think about so many depressing things that had happen in my past. At that point, I'd seen some doctors and they were Hollywood doctors so they gave me a cocktail (of prescription drugs) but I was kind of the drugstore cowboy, so I took the cocktail the way I wanted to take it."

"It was very early in the morning, I was in my hotel room. I remember I was listening to Joy Division's (song) 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' and sat there and took a bunch of (prescription drug) Ambien, I think I probably took the whole bottle. And I called up Gabriel [Hunter, PANIC! bandmate] because I was, at that point, completely out of my head with Ambien. And I was talking to him and I was slurring my words, but he really couldn't do anything to help me because I was in Italy and he was back in Chicago. But thankfully, this maid came in to fix the room and saw me just completely knocked out. Honestly the last thing I remember was talking to Hunter, then waking up in a hospital bed."

"I came home and we realized that we needed to do more than just keep (my) head above water. It's not really about keeping your head above water, it's about feeling all right and feeling safe in your own skin. It's not about keeping your head above water and barely keep going."

"I don't know if I want to move back to Los Angeles and going back to that place in my head, that makes me feel weird," he admits. "I hope that same thing doesn't happen no matter where I decide to live after touring is over. I feel like I'm in a better place, but, you know what? I think if I was in a worse place, I'd probably say that I'm in a better place because no matter what I'm thankfully to even be alive right now."

Maybe the next album will help the folks at home understand Hernandez a little better or maybe he doesn't want them to or maybe he's just dying to tell you anything you want to hear 'cause that's just who he is. Whatever he is, he admits that he and his bandmates have no plans on recording anything for the foreseeable future.

"We want next year to be a very calm year, we will still be like touring and whatnot but like I don't see us going into studio until 2011, at the earliest. Nor do I see the tours being 100-dates nonstop, we will probably tour for a month or two at a time then take a month off before doing it all over again." Hernandez continued. "We would have to receive some very tempting offers to do a large tour. Honestly, I think 'Broken Down on Memory Lane' can keep fans happy until 2011."

Edited by user 01 November 2009 14:06:41(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified