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freestylechamp		#121 Posted : 05 March 2016 04:03:28(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC) Posts: 7,131 Thanks: 9290 times Was thanked: 6121 time(s) in 2664 post(s)		Chris bust out laughing even with the lazer shotting out of her eyes. "Oh, My, GOD! this is the best android ever! Verizon or google are stepping there game up big time!" His childhood dreams of a cool action robot toy is now driving an rv in a snow storm. "Alright it that were the pancakes come from where does the waste come out of and does it have a special smell to them?"
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erich hess		#122 Posted : 05 March 2016 05:23:20(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Ingrid thinks better of using another laser blast. Her batteries are so low,it's either shoot lasers or drive safely. Ingrid is programmed for self preservation,so Chris' life is spared today. Chloe: she totally works as a phone too! Just like siri,but less able to keep secrets. Ingrid: this is true. Just 2 days ago Chloe pastis called a phone sex line specializing in Richard Nixon cosplay. Chloe:* blushes* we all have a fetish. Erica: the pancakes come out of her left pointer finger. Where the Hell did you Think we were talking about? As for the....rest. I don't think She poots. Ingrid: correct. The only substance I eat is human flesh. This is then processed into pancake batter. Erica: wait. What? Ingrid: I mean...beep beep boop boop.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.


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freestylechamp		#123 Posted : 05 March 2016 06:00:25(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered Joined: 13/07/2013(UTC) Posts: 7,131 Thanks: 9290 times Was thanked: 6121 time(s) in 2664 post(s)		Chris: "Say what you want and want to kill if you want your still the coolest thing I ever seen," He said hold hold to Ingrid ankle
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erich hess		#124 Posted : 05 March 2016 08:53:05(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Ingrid: looking down at Chris My sister models are available at the sharper image. You have to ask for the celebrity catalog. I was originally purchased with this recreational vehicle by Bryan Adams. As Ingrid speaks,the rv plows through a moose,splattering it all over the windshield. Erica screams and throws cocaine at It. Nina hides under the couch pillows,and Chloe just panics.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.


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erich hess		#125 Posted : 11 March 2016 06:42:05(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Like most musicians,the harlots keep late hours.they had wrapped up the show in Ipswich and were heading out of town. Slowly. Traffic was lousy and the rain didn't help. The band's post show ritual was nearly complete. Namely being showers for all and the dispersal of drinks. Erica was sitting on the small couch. She was bouncing her foot up and down to "who killed liddle towers?",the song playing on the bus' speakers. Chloe emerged from the front of the bus,carrying a little tray. It was bamboo and painted with hula girls. Very tacky,but who could argue with something that was 50 cents? She sits beside Erica,handing her a drink from the tray. Chloe takes one for herself and places the third on the small table nearby. Chloe: we really need an android that just dispenses the drinks. Its super awkward to have to physically milk Ingrid. Erica: takes a sip and looks skeptically at Chloe. huh? Chloe: oh.I don't think you ever got the post show drinks. You wouldn't know. First,she needs help getting the rum and coke to flow. You have to have to give each nipple a Really good suck. I mean like ten minutes a piece.she also strokes your hair while your doing this. I think it's a malfunction. Then,in what is just poor design,you have to keep lightly pressing this button...BETWEEN HER LEGS! What the Hell?! You can't just press it once. You have to play with it to get it to work. Why isn't there a switch somewhere that just makes the drinks come out? Erica: that is weird. Chloe: yeah. It is. She also insists on demonstrating on me first. Chloe looks around before leaning in to whisper to Erica just between us...I kinda came when she did It tonight. It was super weird....but I kinda liked it. Erica: so basically....you got frisky with Ingrid? Chloe: no! Erica: sounds like it to me. Though that would explain why the drinks are sweeter when you get them. Chloe: shut up. Erica: you did! Chloe: no. Erica: fine.if it's just innocent machine operation , Demonstrate on me. Chloe:* realizing if she doesn't,she is basically admitting she had sex with a machine* no biggie. Its nothing more naughty than turning On a washing machine. snaps her fingers and motions for Erica to take off her tank top. Erica: I'm sure You turned Ingrid on all right. laughs and takes off her tank top. She then waits to see how far Chloe is going to take this. chloe: see? Nothing more than just standard operating stuff. * gives some of the most lackluster nipple sucking In the history of nipple sucks* Erica: nodding along yes yes...but it does feel rather business like. You mentioned some thing about a button? Chloe: Ingrid usually leans over the table. She says it helps the rum flow. Erica: makes perfect sense so far.* leans over the table and starts to wriggle out of her shorts.* Chloe: pants on! I told you this isn't some filth. Its merely operating a machine. Erica: oh.ok. I don't want to be accused of filth while you're playing with my kitten. Chloe: * "starts"* see? That's all I'm doing. I'm not playing with cats or anything like that. It only seems dirty because you're a person. The shower is heard shutting off ,seconds later Nina emerges. She is drying her hair with a towel and is greeted by quite a scene. Nina: I can't leave you two alone for five minutes without you fucking each other?! Do that shit in the bunks,I thought we agreed: no nakedness in the main room. Chloe: it's not what it looks like! Haven't you ever had to get drinks out of Ingrid?! Nina: raises an eyebrow is that a euphemism,love? Because this is how I get drinks from Ingrid.INGRID! Ingrid instantly appears in the main room. Her eyes glance to Chloe and erica,then to Nina. Ingrid: you rang? Chloe: Panics who is driving the bus?! We're all going to die!!! erica: nobody said stop,Chloe. Ingrid: as a mk2 android,I operate in the quantum realm. I'm still driving the bus while also being back here. chloe: oh. Nina: Ingrid. May I please have 3 drinks? Ingrid dutifully turns around and some spraying sounds later,delivers three drinks. Nina: see? Thank you Ingrid.Now what the Hell were you two doing?! Ingrid dissipates with a puff of smoke. Chloe: wow...so..I'm not weird now,right? Its basically like using a vibrator,right? Nina: I'm not sure,love. Was Ingrid flesh at one time? You could be venturing into necrophilia. steps away from Chloe ew. Chloe: she wasn't ever alive! Ingrid:* appears in the room again.* what is 'alive'? I am a sentient being. I will e eventually malfunction and cease to operate. I think I am very much alive. * she dissipates again* Chloe: I'm so confused. I wonder if the owners manual has anything on this? Nina: hmm.good question. I really want to know if I should call you a bloody abomination or not. Nina rummages around a drawer where all the Important things are kept. She eventually just dumps it out. It spills out with a clatter. Nina: ah. Here it is.she flips through the dog eared pages. She looks more and more disturbed as she reads. oh....shit,loves. Chapter 7,subsection 24b: so you've had sexual relations with your android !( or she has had sexual relations with you.we don't judge tops or bottoms) it basically just says to always be gentle with your android. Anything harder than a normal spank will cause Its self preservation protocol to take over. Then Ingrid will set you on fire and put you out. Over and over until ..you...are...dead. Jarring organ chord plays. Chloe: whew. I'm safe. I'm not going to Hell or to a leper colony Erica:* sighs and hops off the table* I guess this isn't happening now. Good going,Nina. Contined later.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

3 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		RoseJapanFan on 11/03/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 18/03/2016(UTC), kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#126 Posted : 15 March 2016 03:37:59(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		The harlots are taking a much needed rest. They have a few days until their next show: st Patrick's day in Ireland. None of the band actually have Irish roots but they are fond of drinking and lively shindigs. So that kind of counts. The band decided to spend this down time at Jayne and daisy's house. The Jayne and daisy home was about how one would expect it to be. It was warm and welcoming,with a distinct touch of femininity. A cluster bomb filled with tampons would seem butch in comparison.the. harlots had just arrived half an hour ago. Nina and Chloe were in the shower...hopefully with one waiting outside,but who knows? Erica and Jayne were sitting at the dining room table. Jayne: well....I would offer you guys dinner,but our kitchen is just for looks,really. How about takeout? gets out an absurdly thick book of menus. Think like an antique bible Erica: whatever you recommend. No haggis though. Organ meat is yuck. makes a disgusted face jayne: I don't think we have had haggis yet.I have a cute plush one daisy bought me when I first came here. Erica: here? As in on this table?!....can I have a coaster? gingerly lifts her drink off the table Jayne:* blushes * hitomi!! * Jayne hands Erica a coaster. Which raises many questions about the origins of the plush haggis.* technically,you should be using a coaster anyway. Erica:* takes the coaster. Its pink and has picture of a rotund tabby cat on it. Slowly she realizes what the handing of the coaster meant* Jayne! On the table?! This table?! My god,this daisy is a bad influence on you. Jayne:* grins and laughs* you have no idea. Erica: how bad? Erica asks,raising her eyebrow and scooting closer to Jayne Jayne:* looks mortified* NOT THREESOME BAD!! Erica: shrugs fine. But you know the offer is there if you ever decide to. I'd be offended if I wasn't you and daisy's first choice. Jayne: ok. You are the ONLY person we would even consider. Erica:hands jayne a post it note with the words "threesome? Erica." there were three lines under Erica's name there. Now put it on your fridge. I don't want that being placed in a junk drawer or something. Jayne:* absentmindedly walks over and sticks the note to the fridge. She gets out two bottles of buckfast for them....hey! You already had this note ready! Erica: I'm very prepared. her eyes fall on the bottles* Jesus,Jayne. You go all out for your guests,huh? Jayne:* hands Erica a bottle with a laugh* they gave me like forty bottles when my citizenship was approved.It was the darndest thing. Erica:* grins and shakes her head. * I'm going to tell your dad.you are gonna be in soooooo much trouble,Jayne. Jayne:* cracks open the bottle and takes a drink* fuck the police. Tell him. Erica: doubles over in laughter.when they were younger,Jayne was definitely far more uptight. She probably had to be,since she handled her father's business affairs. how has Randy been doing,lately? Jayne: he sounds great. I guess he just really wanted me out of the house. He is really proud the SDF-1 stowaways took off. Erica:giggles have the stowaways took off? Jayne:* raises an eyebrow* have the harlots? Erica:cracks up. Glasgow has you living that thug life. Jayne:* puts up her fists.* you know it. Erica:hey,you guys wanna play our st Patrick's day show? We already got atomic war bride and Mariko coming. Jayne: so I'm your last choice? Thanks. Erica: Maybe if you were more open to the threesome thing... Jayne: quickly I'm happy with being last choice! Erica:claps happily lovely. You won't regret it. * hops up and hugs jayne tightly.* Jayne:* doesn't hug her back right away.* still not happening,hitomi. * she smiles and hugs Erica back* Erica: now we need to go out and do some promo work. Jaynelooks at the clock it's 2:30 in the morning...can't it wait? Erica:* grabs Jayne by the hand and tugs her towards the door.* call a cab. Its Monday.you ain't got no job.you ain't got shit to do. We're going to raise some Hell. Their adventure will continue tomorrow.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

3 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		Famouss7x7 on 15/03/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 18/03/2016(UTC), kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#127 Posted : 16 March 2016 03:33:33(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Jayne convinced Erica to hold up a minute so that they could both get in at least presentable shape. There was no way in Hell Jayne was leaving the house in sweatpants and a cat sweater. Ten minutes later,she and Erica were waiting outside for a cab. Jayne: see? Now we don't Look like street urchins. People will take us seriously now and want to come to our show. Erica: you know we aren't doing real promo work,right? Jayne: but I have flyers. Erica: where the Hell did you get flyers from?! We changed and then came out here. Jayne: paws Skaggs is a very talented cat. Erica: looks slightly confused that answers one question....but raises so many others. Jayne: you guys aren't the only ones who live in a reality that can be bent on a whim. Erica: then paws can hand out flyers. You and I are going clubbing. Jayne: don't be silly,hitomi. Paws can't hang flyers. She isn't even a foot tall. Erica: this is Scotland,use the metric system. Jayne:* makes a face* ew.no. Its ugly. Erica: so is your momwh a Jayne:frowns I guess it's possible. The cab pulls up with a squeak of it's brakes.the driver looks exactly how you picture an old timey cab driver to look: burgundy fingerless gloves,a rugged face,and wearing a plaid flat cap. Erica and Jayne climb in,with Eric's holding the door for Jayne. Cab driver:gruffly where too,lassies? Erica: your-* is hushed by Jayne's hand. Jayne knew " mom's house" was coming next.* Jayne: the nearest nightclub. Erica: and step on it. Cab driver: sure thing.* the man took an instant dislike to Erica and purposely drove slow. He also took the long route to possibly the worst nightclub in Scotland.* 37.50. Erica: JeeZ. Jayne:piping up to cut Erica off. here's forty. Thank you. The two girls get out of the cab and take their places in the line outside. The building is a windowless and signless affair. If it wasn't for hearing the loud dance music,Jayne would have her doubts about it being a legit place. The line was populated mostly by younger people. Some stylish,most shady. Erica:looking around at the people around them in disgust you come here often,Jayne? Jayne:shakes her head and clutches her non existent purse tighter. no. I've never seen this place before in my life. Our neighborhood is cute..not....this. Erica: good I'd have to give you a stern talking to if you did. Everyone here looks like a potato. A couple people in earshot turn around sharply. If they were offended or just interested at the odd insult is anyone's guess. Erica gives a little shrug. She wasn't going to lie and say they didn't look like potatoes. Jayne: let's....just sit tight. The line is moving a long nicely. she scoots closer to Erica.thinking maybe she could muffle her a little Within a few moments,the pair had made it to the front of the line. The doorman looks at Jayne and Erica. Jayne always looked wide eyed an innocent.Erica looked marginally more experienced,but still anything but tough. Doorman: nope. Erica: what do you mean,"nope"?! Doorman: it's for you own good,really.this place is a little rough for the likes of you. Jayne: ok. Thank you,sir. We will take that into consideration. Erica: whoa.whoa whoa. What are you getting at? narrows eyes Doorman: nothing.I'm just saying you two might have more fun across town. Erica: like Hell I'm going to weenie hut Jr! Jayne: I think he meant- Erica: I'm not going to super weenie hut Jr,either! And neither are you,Jayne.I spent like 40 pounds..you spent like 40 to get here. We are getting in there. Doorman: you know what? Fine. Go inside. Try to help some people.... Erica:* squeals with excitement* yay! * grabs Jayne and the two enter the club. Jayne being dragged as Erica skips ahead.* Inside the club is filled with heavy smoke. Lasers and horrible quality dance music does it's best to cut through. But nothing doing. Jayne looks around,taking it all in. The thrill of implied danger was very exciting to her. Erica instantly roamed the rooms for drug markets. She could spot the guy from a mile away. In another reality,Erica would've made a great cop. Erica: could you order us some drinks,please? I gotta..visit the bathroom. Jayne:already dancing to the music`sure. Jayne scurried off to the bar and took a stool. She figured her bright blonde hair would lead Erica to her. The bartender looked like she could have been Joan rivers' less glamorous sister. Bartender:eyeing Jayne what'll you have? Jayne: um...two of those? Jayne points at a random cup. She knew nothing of alcohol. As a rule,daisy did all the ordering when they went out. Bartender: two screwdrivers...you're a two fisted drinker? she makes conversation as she prepAres the drinks* Jayne: nooo.I'm waiting for my friend. She went to the bathroom. Bartender: oh...I hope she already had crabs. Those bathrooms haven't been cleaned since the day Thatcher died. God rest her soul. Jayne: is that out of respect because Margaret Thatcher had crabs,and you want to keep a peice of her alive forever? Bartender:slams the drinks down. no.walks away Jayne: I thought it would be a sweet sentiment,that's all. A few seconds later,Erica Saunders up. She hops on the stool next to Jayne and swings her feet. Erica: screwdrivers? Meh. Not what I'd have ordered,but it'll do. Here,take one.* Erica hands Jayne a pill shaped like hello kitty* Jayne:* loudly whispering* I'm not taking drugs! I don't even know what this is! Erica: oh come on. Live a little . I'm here with you,you will be safe. jayne: well...what will it do? Erica: it will just make everything- She is interrupted by the siren sound every club seems to play.Erica,already a little paranoid from the line of coke she did in the bAthroom,thinks a police raid is happening. Erica:SHIT! Get rid of it,get rid of it! Erica tosses the pill into her mouth and washes it down with her drink Jayne:panics and instead of dropping it,copies Erica they won't cavity search us,will they??? Continued later.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

3 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		Famouss7x7 on 16/03/2016(UTC), freestylechamp on 18/03/2016(UTC), kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#128 Posted : 18 March 2016 02:41:01(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Ooc: should have been posted yesterday,but I had some thing to take care of. About twenty minutes later,the pair realize the siren sound was part of a song. A horrible,horrible techno song. The Two are still at the bar. Jayne:Panicking shit shit shit. What did I take?! I feel funny.do I look funny? My god is it hot in here....hitomi ,what is this?! Erica: relax,it's just a bit of ecstasy. You'll be fine. Here,drink this. It'll calm you down.hands Jayne a glass of something alcoholic and Brown. Jayne: ecstasy?! Are you trying to kill me?!.cups the drink with both hands and guzzles it down Erica: don't blame me your country has shit drugs. It was this or heroin. I don't know about you,but I'm not that dirty. Jayne: I still feel edgy. More drinks,please! A few minutes pass. Jayne has been putting away more than her share of liquor. Her light tolerance passed by unnoticed due to her fear of what the pill could do to her. Erica,wasn't about to let Jayne out drink her,so she has also been drinking heavily. Now the pair are extremely drunk and feeling the ecstasy. Jayne: oh my god. This song is so good. Lets dance,hitomi.* grabs Erica and drags her to the dance floor* erica: the song isn't good,Jayne. Its the fucking drug. Jayne: you just aren't listening to it right. starts dancing Erica: nah.I'll just watch. * she is interrupted by the sound of "born slippy". Erica lights up and starts dancing* oh I love this song! The pair dance furiously to the old school song....when they aren't stroking each others hair in bewilderment. Due to the massive amounts of alcohol intake,blackouts start happening. Suddenly they are outside..somewhere . all they know is: they are on the side of a street. Jayne is throwing rocks through car Windows,while Erica is kicking parking meters. Jayne: singing loudly krish krish krish.I'm breaking all your dishes . you won't find me,I'm a ninja,squished. * she punctuates this by squatting and hopping along* Erica: hanging off of a parking meter by Her waistband if I could ...just....reach...my my ...utility belt. Another blackout . this time they are running down the street while a hoarde of pregant women waddle after them. Erica: run! They are going to get amniotic fluid all over us! Why did you have to anger the pregasaurus?! Why Jayne,why?!?! Jayne:* falls to the ground and rolls from the momentum she had* gah! I've been hit by a fetus! One of them fired a fetus from her crotch cannon. Go on without me,hitomi. Tell daisy I'm in a better place now. Loudly gurgles Erica: balderdash! Ohana means fuck you and nobody gets left behind. Erica runs back and tries to lift Jayne. She is too drunk to function,so she just tries to pull Jayne along. Jayne:rolling over onto her stomach as Erica tries to pull her stop! Stop! You're grinding my face off! Erica:stop whining.* gives one final tug.* Jayne: is pulled for a few inches.this scrapes her nose and she jumps up with a yelp ow! You bitch.* goes to playfully punch Erica in the arm,but misses and hit her in the nose* Erica:not expecting a punch,catches the full force of the punch on her nose. Blood gushes ow!!!! Blackout to our heroes Now in a strip club. Somehow they have found themselves on stage and competing with each other. Crowd:woooo,take it off! Take it off! Jayne:upside down and sliding down the pole ok. Just follow my lead. Erica: this is totally like that one aeromsith video! spins around on the pole Blackout to the same club,but now Erica and Jayne are on stage with a group of girls. Jayne has the "miss amateur stripper,2016" sash around her torso* Sleazy announcer: again,lets give a big hand to jaaaaaayyyynnneee wriggle! Erica and the venues patrons clap. The rest of the competitors however..... Stripper 1: this is bullshit. I have three c section scars and suddenly "I'm not stripper material"? Fuck this little blonde bitch. Stripper 2: yeah. She isn't even wearing clear heels. Respect our craft or don't even try. Jayne: but clear heels are ugly and - Stripper 2: ugly?! Ugly?! All my friends wear clear heels. You talk about them,you talk about me! Blackout to the back of a police van. The strippers ,Jayne and Erica are all in the back. Everyone has handcuffs on and looking worse for wear. Erica: looking around at all the nearly naked girls so....who else is a fan of girls in prison exploitation films? Jayne:I hate you,hitomi. This is why we never hung out way back when.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

2 users thanked erich hess for this useful post.		freestylechamp on 18/03/2016(UTC), kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#129 Posted : 23 March 2016 01:35:31(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		The harlots tour had rumbled through Canada like a frog riding a jet ski. Many adventures were had,poutine was eaten,and souvenirs purchased. The bus was now driving through south Dakota. It was a nice and sunny day,but rather cold. Erica: lying on a small couch,hands behind her head. Ingrid,rum and coke me please. Ingrid pauses slightly before a whir of gears is heard. She opens her blouse and two jets of rum and coke fire from her chest. The jets ricochet off the windshield,the lamp,and finally into Erica's mouth. Erica: grinning widely. And substantially more drunk after 5 straight minutes of guzzling this thanks Ingrid. You're the breast. Ingrid: you're welcome...and that wasn't funny, even when you said it 245 dAys ago. Chloe:* wrapped up in a Brown blanket,looking like a pug who eats it's feelings* why do we have a robot that has artificial intelligence thAt is probably centuries into the future....yet a heater that doesn't work?! Erica: it works fine,Chloe. But Ingrid's chiller unit is out and I'm not drinking warm rum and coke. Chloe: I can go to the fridge and get ice cubes! Nina: ice cubes?! They bruise the flavor. We aren't savages,love. Jesus. Are you even French,Chloe? I thought you guys were all about that shit? Chloe: and I thought you should be sweeping a fucking chimney and dancing with Mary poppins!!! Nina:I'll sweep your chimney. Erica: oh wow. That sounds super hot. Ingrid: if I could interrupt this burgeoning orgy, mt Rushmore is on our left. The girls stop their fussing and ooh and ah and the monument. Chloe solemnly takes a picture with a disposable camera. Nina: really,Chloe? We are bloody millionaires and you're going to pop out a disposable camera. Chloe:* winding the thumb wheel.* laugh if you must.but who will have a physiCal photo of this moment? Me. Nina: does it even work? Do they even make those things anymore? Chloe:chucks it out the window. I doubt it.I found it in a mud puddle. The bus rumbles On for a few moments before Erica pipes up. Erica: why isn't there a hello kitty head next to the beardy guy? Nina: probably because she didn't help found America. Erica:* sitting up and grabbing a salt shaker. She tries breaking it on the edge of the table,but fails. * you take that back. Chloe: in Erica's defense,neither did "beardy guy" or "glasses guy". Nina: those are supposed to be glasses? Really?! I thought he just had some growths on his nose. Erica: I have a nutty idea,hey Ingrid,do you have lasers capable of carving granite.... Ingrid: yes I do. And I could finish the job in about 5 minutes. Erica:innocently whatever do you mean? Ingrid: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. It can be done,But won't be done. Out chances of getting caught are 100%. With a zero Margin of errors. Erica: dammit.pouts nobody is fun anymore. Chloe:looking out the window and getting excited oooh a truck stop,lets go! Ingrid: We have plenty of fuel,snacks,and decals declaring " cash,ass,or grass. Nobody rides for free". We need to keep going if we plan on making it to Bismarck. Erica: looking out the window too it looks really ....truckerie. I bet they have those dispensers in the bathrooms with sex stuff. Nina: you go into truck stop lavatories,love? Ew. scoots away. and I've been intimate with you before?! I better get checked. Erica: I had to go. I'm not go I g to go in the bushes.where was I supposed to pee? Nina: I dunno. Hold it or find a bottle.anywhere but a truck stop. Erica: wait...YOU should get tested?! You?! You were doing porn when I met you. I should be the one getting tested! Chloe: you mean neither of you have ever been tested? slowly widens her eyes Before hissing Erica! Erica: of course. I did mine right after Nicole left me. I wanted go make sure she didn't leave me anything to remember her by.it came back surprisingly clean. Nina: right before the tour. I was getting a check up and figured why not? I'm fine. Chloe: whew. Erica:what about you,Chloe? Chloe: what about me? Erica: don't make me hiss your name like a little bitch. You know why. Chloe: oh. I did mine before I got married. Since then,well you pretty my know where I've been. Nina:also glancing out the window at the scummy truck stop oh my god! They have a huge inflatable Donald trump....we are fucking going,loves. Tune in next time as our heroes brave the truck stop.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#130 Posted : 01 April 2016 03:15:05(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		The truck stop was a sprawling,diesel smelling,rough and dirty complex. Ingird parked the bus in the " regular" parking lot. She didn't want any trouble of the truck driver flavor. The girls prepared an away team consisting of : Nina and Erica. Chloe: fuck you guys.I'm not going. plops down on the couch Nina: c'mon,love. It'll be fun. Erica: quit being a baby and let's go. Chloe: why do I Have to wear a red shirt,huh? I want a blue or gold one. Erica: that's just superstition. Nina: right,love. Its like we're living in some fictionAl tv show. rolls her eyes Chloe: fine. One of you trade me shirts. Nina: I'm not showing you my knockers,love.I know what you're trying to do. You little horny Henrietta. Chloe:Erica? Erica: I...can't. Your shirt is all....boobed out. It'd look rediculas on me. What if I meet a hot trucker girl? Chloe: that's what I thought. You guys were trying to star trek kill me!! Nina: nonsense,ensign pastis. Chloe: nonsense,my ass. Go on then,off with you. Erica: whatever. Stay here under mommy's skirt. Erica and Nina step off the rv and onto the pavement. If this were a tv show,there would be a truck montage: trucks being fueled with Close ups up gas nozzles fitting into gas tanks....with appropriate porn groove. But not being a tv show,Erica and Nina just have to imagine that part. The girls aren't ten paces away from their rv before a truck stop prostitute approaches them. Disease ridden would be a polite way to describe her. Tsp: hey. You two looking for some company? Nina: no thank you,love. pulls Erica along. Erica: now now. Let's hear her out. Tsp:scratches one of several raw places on her face.* cash or meth. I don't care which. For the pair of you. Erica: what?! You were just wanting to hang out with us for money?! Of all the nerve. Tsp: jeez. No need to be rude about It. walks off to offer her services elsewhere Erica: we're being rude? takes a golfball out of her pocket and throws It. She misses by a mile. Nina: you really don't know a prostitute when you see one? Really? Erica: She was?! Oh...now I feel kinda bad. I thought they all wore thigh high boots. Nina: you...need to get out more. I don't think they wear a uniform. Erica: well they should. How are we,the truck stop going public, supposed to know? Nina: maybe there is a pamphlet or some thing inside. The pair stroll towards the store part of the truck stop. Its a two storey,grubby building. The parts that aren't covered in faded white paint, are covered with advertisements for chrome,American flags,bible quotes,and pictures of topless women next to trucks. The girls near kick open the door,like they're going into an old west saloon. The patrons inside pay the ruckus no mind. The door kicking really can't be heard over the din of horrible country rock.the interior is crammed with all sorts of bric a brak: acres of beef jerky racks,horribly outdated DVD movies.(Turner and hooch,anyone?) Sun faded porno mags,cowboy hats,and leather wallets. Erica heads right for the counter. It's manned by what looks like an ex member of zz top. He's wearing a faded grey t shirt with " kill em all and let god sort Em out." printed on it. Erica: excuse me sir. Truck stop man: looks up at Erica,But doesn't speak as much as he grunts at her Erica: hmm.yes. my friend and I were approached by....well,I say a junkie,and Nina says a prostitute. Can you tell us which she was? Nina: a pamphlet or chart would be immensely helpful,love. Truck stop man: grunts again probably both. Erica:shaking her head I don't think so. A prostitute is a job. Money is to be made. A junkie is more of a hobby. Truck stop man: are you shitting me? Get out of here if you aren't buying anything. Nina: if we buy something,will you give us a free copy of ' prostitutes and junkies of your local truck stop. A field guide'? I hear it's Richard Attenborough's strongest work yet. Erica: isn't it David Attenborough's? Nina: don't be daft,love. David was all about animals. Richard was the boozing and whoring one. Erica:I don't think so. Nina: I'm British. Trust me. I know. Truck stop man: let me check if we have any more copies. The man gets up and adjusts himself. He then takes about 4 steps over to another stool and sits down. Erica:whispering to Nina I don't think he is looking,Nina. Nina: I'll say he isn't. That baLL scratching looks like he is in this for the duration. Erica: I'm going to go give him w piece of my mind. Nina:* holding Erica around the waist* nooooo! Truckers are like bees,love. You anger one and they put pheromones to alert others. We'd be dead in seconds. Erica: * whispering um..so looking like you're ass fucking me is better? The whole place is looking at us. Nina looks around and sure enough,They two of them seem to be the center of attention. Some smart ass even changed the juke box to warrants 'cherry pie'. The rowdy truckers start cheering and throwing money,beef jerky,chewing tobacco,dentures,a pistol,and half empty whiskey bottles in hopes the girls continue. Nina: eyeing the pile of offerings.* just play along,love. We're taking all of this shit. Erica: if you plan on sticking that pickled sausage in me...I'll fucking kill you,bitch. Nina:sighs. what a fucking baby. Fine...whispers when I force you onto your hands and knees,grab as much as you can.then we'll hoof it! Erica: fuck you. I'm topping you. The longer they talk,the more valuables that get thrown. Nina effortlessly grabs the back of Erica's head and forces her to the ground. As the cheers go up,Nina grabs as much as she can and RUNS! She is already out the door before Erica even gets to her feet. The truckers realize they have been duped and the grumbles start. Erica scrambles to her feet,grabbing what very little her tiny hands can hold. The angry truckers start leaping onto each other's shoulders. This happens over and over until they are single wife beater wearing ,bearded mass. Erica dashes towards the door,knocking over the rack of faded porn magazines. Erica runs at full speed across the parking lot. Most customers don't look up from their defiling or windshield washing. The prostitute from before stands in Erica's way.even in her junkie state,she still outweighs Erica by a good twenty pounds. Erica runs smack into her,bouncing off and landing on her ass. Tsp:you rethink that offer,honey? Erica: screaming with both hands clenched I don't know what you are!!! Before the woman can answer,the mass of truck drivers burst out of the building. Now It has flannel covered and fleshy tentacles. These tentacles spread across the ground and start absorbing trucks. The poor juke box plays a few seconds of the akira theme before it too is absorbed. Erica throws whatever is in her right hand at the prostitute and crawls quickly towards the rv. The trucker blob rolls slowly towards the rv. It now contains several trucks in it's body,and the horns are blowing in mismatched orchastra of hellish noise. Erica: almost to the rv drive! Drive! Driive! The prostitute and about 20 feet are all that stands between Erica and certain Doom. Tsp: wow...I'm sorry,but I'm going to have to check with my manag- She is cut off as she is absorbed into the creature. Erica jumps in to the rv and it takes off down the road. Ingrid: what Did you two do?! Nina: counting her money fifteen hundred..sixteen hundred..oh we just promised a live sex show and didn't deliver. Made a fucking mint too. Erica:panting and out of breath` creature...near killed me...fuck you.Nina. akira...rip off. Chloe: looking out The rear window see? This is exactly why I didn't want to go. Nina: quit whining. How much money did you grab? Erica pats her pockets softly.each movement of her arm feels like it could fall off. She pulls out q single tobacco tin. Erica: a single can of skoal.She shakes it make that a quarter can of skoal. Ingrid: I am equipped with a quantum garbage bin. she opens her left pocket. Erica: fuck you.I'm chewing it! * Erica take a pinch out and puts it in her mouth. She instantly spits it out and starts wiping her tongue on chloe's shirt* my god. Its horrible!
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#131 Posted : 11 October 2016 03:56:26(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		The van rumbles down the long road that is actually the driveway to karoliena and Cassie's home. The road is lined with trees and large pastures where the family's horse's run. The estate is very large,even at 55 mph it takes near 15 minutes to reach the house. The home itself is immense,but not tacky. A mcmansion is far beneath the tastes of the summers. Erica moves the gear selector to park and unbuckles her safety belt. Nina: why are we here,love? Truthfully, Cassie and karoliena kinda scare me. Erica:they're fun. Nina: I don't think so. Cassie has rarely ever spoke to me and karoliena....she's kind of a stick in the mud. Erica: oh karoliena is not. She just really takes the mom thing serious. Nina: true. She seems like such a better mother than you. Erica: that's horrible,you bitch. Playfully pushes Nina Nina: you know what I mean. You're more like the cool aunt than boring mom. You think karoliena has reached that point of momhood where shes gotten really square? Erica:like how? What do you mean? Nina: you know those videos of moms busting their asses on skateboards? All those goofy moms were cute chicks once. Someone obviously thought they were sexy enough to fuck. what the fuck happens between popping out a kid and becoming awkward? Erica: well I've never been able to ride a skateboard. So i wouldn't know. Nina: I should give you both mom jeans for Christmas,love. Erica: even mom jeans can't bring this ass down. Nina: sighs you know your bum isn't all that. Read the internet once in awhile. the ranking goes: me. Karoliena. Jayne. Chloe. Mariko ,then you. Erica: pssh. like people know about asses.i keep my ass's power level hidden until needed. Nina:we used to date,love. I'm fairly familiar with what your bum looks like. Though I do think the internet is wrong . Yours is better than mariko's. Erica: well you haven't seen my butt lately. I've been training and doing loads of squats. Ask anyone who's seen it recently. They'll tell you,its fucking life changing. Nina: i think Gretchen is a little biased, love. She thinks the bloody sun rises And sets in your trousers. Erica: because my butt is that awesome. But there's others. Nina:suddenly very interested oooh,do tell. Erica:panics you know what,it doesn't matter. Let's go see if karoliena can play. The two get out of the van and walk towards the front door. The door is very strongly constructed and semi castle looking. As they walk,nina isn't letting the subject go. Nina: it was Cara Zayn, wasn't it? Erica. No! We went on one date. That was it. Nina: yeah...that's probably for the best. She seriously out classes you in the bum department. She nearly encroaches on my territory of booty mountain. Wild threesome with erich and....whatever that girl's name is. Erica: ew.no. that would just be weird. Nina: how about - She is interrupted by the door of the house opening and karoliena stepping out. Karoliena: it was actually with Cassie and i. And yes, erica does have a fine little butt. Erica:* at first looks aghast,then triumphant. She sticks out her tongue and gives Nina the finger with both hands.* Nyahh nyahh. I told you. Nina: I..... Karoliena: cute butt or no,erica still couldn't hang with the big girls and had to quit. Patronizingly rubs Erica's head Erica: you guys were .....it doesn't matter. I still did pretty well and didn't quit immediately. Nina: oh god,id have loved to seen that. I bet she cried like a little bitch. Erica: i - Karoliena: cutting Erica off. We don't discuss particulars. Now what are you two doing here? Erica: we were in the neighborhood and wanted to see if wanted to have some fun. Nina: Get fucking well pissed and cause some chaos. Karoliena:* thinks for awhile and nods. * Yeah I can go for a night out.come inside while I get ready. I can't go out looking like this. Karoliena,of course,looks immaculate. But not up to her standards. (At least in her opinion.) She leads her two friends to the kitchen and invites them to sit. Karoliena: ill go freshen up. You two help yourself to anything you like. Except for the cheese sticks. Cole will have my ass if they get eaten. After karoliena leaves,nina and Erica find a bottle of wine and start drinking it. They plan on polishing off the bottle,so they don't bother with glasses. Finally karoliena emerges. She seems to touched up some makeup and put on a nicer pair of shoes. Karoliena:that is a 1500 dollar bottle of wine.. Erica: tastes like about 5 dollars Nina: i don't even like wine,love. Karoliena: now i have to drive because you two are drinking? Why do i hang out with you delinquents? Erica: you can't be serious. How many times have you driven the tour bus drunk? Or on acid? Karoliena: that was then. I want to arrive alive,now. Gimme the car keys. Nina: it's a van. Karoliena:whatever. Neither of you are driving.keys. now.. Erica: but I bought this spiffy shagging wagon just for this night out. Don't take this away from me. Karoliena: nope. We're taking a limo and doing our bar crawl like proper ladies. Ladies who aren't going to wrap their car around s tree while drunk. Nina: van,love. Karoliena: I don't give a fuck! Nina: fine. Erica,give the queen of wet blankets the car keys. Erica: it's a van. Karoliena: i swear to god,ghe next person who says van.... Erica reluctantly hands karoliena the van keys. Karoliena places them on top the refrigerator,like she was punishing little kids. Karoliena makes the call to hire the limo and the trio waits. Nina: erica, where'd you get those shoes. They're adorable,love. Erica: oh, thanks.i got them at the Vans outlet. Karoliena: Gah!!!Slap's Erica softly on the cheek
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

1 user thanked erich hess for this useful post.		kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#132 Posted : 11 October 2016 07:58:27(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Eventually the long white limousine pulls up in front of Cassie and karoliena's house . The driver dutifully hops out and opens the rear door for them. Driver: evening,miss summers. Karoliena: please. Karoliena. I'm only miss Summers when I'm working. Gives a slight smile. Nina:good lord. Karoliena: cmon,lets go. Get your butts In the car. Erica: can the rest of us stay? Karoliena: that's kind of joke that makes people hate you,erica. Erica: i know. Skips as she gets in the car. Nina: say,this is nice,love. Karoliena: maybe if you two weren't cheapskates this wouldn't be such a surprise. Seriously,now we can drink as much as we want,and not have to drive. Why wouldn't we do this? Erica: being fondled by the driver when we pass out. Nina: look at him. Nods to the partition glass. Those are some fondler's hands if I ever seen them. Erica: yup.classic fondler's features. Not even classy enough to be a subway fondler. Karoliena:pouring them all pink Martinis you bitches,thats Cassie's dad. Erica:oh my god. I am so sorry... Nina: i think fruit baskets are the proper " sorry we thought you wanted to grope us" gift. Erica:can he hear us though the glass? Karoliena: probably. You heartless jerks. Erica: well...you're kind of a heartless jerk, making poor Cassie's dad work for you. You should be taking care of him. Karoliena: the man is younger than I am. How in the hell could he be Cassie's dad?! Nina: well,you are- Karoliena: don't you fucking say it,nina Continued later
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

1 user thanked erich hess for this useful post.		kandii on 23/12/2020(UTC)
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erich hess		#133 Posted : 20 December 2016 05:14:50(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		It's either really late,or really early. All depending on what your view of 3am is. The harlots are still on their extended tour of South Korea. Which means they played a show last Thursday and have been lounging around since then. The women are holed up in a luxury hotel. They've long since gave up on living the punk rock lifestyle. Who wants to sleep in a van when there is champagne to drink And indoor pools to soak in. Which is what Nina,erica,and Gretchen were doing right now.well except for erica. She was wrapped in a horrendously oversized bathrobe and was sitting by the pool,her legs draped into the water. Nina: sitting on the pool's steps and letting her head rest on the lip of the pool you really should come in the water,love. It's like a huge hot tub. Erica: you know I can't. Nina: your aunt flo visiting? Erica: no! You know I don't get those. Nina:why would you take birth control? Erica: why do you? Nina: I like the taste. Erica: ew. I like the little case it comes in. Gretchen: I was fixed like a cat. Erica: really? Gretchen: nah. I just like wearing cat ears. Erica: it is cute when you wear them. Leans in close to Gretchen and they make a "ting" sound. Nina: gag. Erica: don't get jealous,"love". Kicks a litle water towards Nina not everyone has what it takes to be as cute as gretchie And i. Nina:bitch,mi and I are FAR cuter. Gretchen: but do either of you wear kitty ears? Nina:shakes her head furiously no. We have taste and aren't eternally preteen girls. Erica: accept the cute! Embrace it. Starts playing with Nina's hair,holding it up like floppy dog ears. Nina:grabs Erica's hands and tugs her into the water. This gets a loud screech from erica get in,erica. Literally nobody cares about your tattoos. Erica: I'm already in now,you whore! Nina: would you look at that. So you are. Leans back in relaxation. Good. Now Gretchen and I don't look like your kids. Gretchen:finding the mental image of erica being their mother hilarious,cracks up mom,km hungry. Moooom, Nina is looking at me. Mooooom, why is the pool wet? Nina:also finding it funny and getting in on the act muuuuuum! Gretchen ate ten minutes ago. She can't go swimming for an hour. Erica: Nina,youre grounded for a week and Gretchen....you're getting a spanking later. Nina:pouts you're rewarding her?!I knew Gretchen was your favorite,love. Gretchen:sticks her tongue out at Nina childishly nyahh nyahh. Erica: ok.. seriously... I'm fucking naked under this robe. whomever can get me some new clothes will be my favorite. Nina: what,are you going to change outside the pool. You're fucking wet. Getting you new clothes isn't going help. Gretchen,run up and get her bikini from the room. Gretchen: um... She doesn't own one. Nina: really?! How the fuck do you go swimming? Erica: shorts and a shirt like a sensible person. Nina: ok. That's the most lesbian thing ive ever heard you say. Erica: glances meaningfully at Gretchen and Nina. Both of whom she's been romantically involved Gretchen:making a face yeah..Nina's kinda right. Never go full lesbian. Nina: exactly. We're supposed to be sexy porno type lesbians. Not...lesbian lesbians,love. Erica: I'm naked under a fucking robe, in a pool with two other women,at 3:23am.the only way this could get more porno like was if one of you had your thumb in my ass! A second passes NOT THE TIME,GRETCHEN!* Gretchen: that was a pointer and not a thumb. Nina:stifles laughter you two stay here. I'll run to the shop and get erica something to wear. Erica: they won't be open at this time. Nina: did I say "buy",love? No. I didn't. Nina hops out of the pool and stalks off around the corner. There is a small shop that sells suntan lotion,towels,sunglasses and all that sort. The windows have long since went dark. Gretchen: watching Nina walk away damm,girl's got the booty. Erica: yeah...lucky bitch. Gretchen: aww. You know you're the booty queen of the harlots. Erica: laughing and hugging Gretchen you know you're loved when your girlfriend adheres to the most blatant lie ever told. Gretchen: ride or die. Erica:is it weird I don't own a bikini? Gretchen: a little. What is weirder is the fact that everyone but your sister and I ,calls you "Erica" Erica: yeah...I guess they do. Weird. Gretchen:I think it's funny how mariko rolls her eyes each time someone calls you Erica. Erica: GRETCHEN! She has a medical condition! She can't help doing that with her eyes. Gretchen: oh my god! I am so sorry, hitomi. Erica: laughs and attempts to dunk Gretchen's head underwater and fails I'm just fucking with you. Mariko is just like that. She finds it silly. Gretchen: you bitch. I was going over each and ever time i laughed when she rolled her eyes. Gretchen headlocks Erica and the two start wrestling in the pool. The tussle gets louder and louder which causes some lights to come on in the above rooms Nina: runs around the corner and jumps in the pool* i can't leave you two alone for five minutes without you two fucking. Gretchen: WE WEREN'T- she stops before continuing. She has erica stripped naked and using the wet robe to tie Erica's hands so she is defenseless. Well...We weren't too far along. Nina:* tossing Erica the pilfered swimwear.* Here,put this one. It will make you feel less.... Erica: naked? Nina: vulnerable. Gretchen: ha. I get it. Erica: frowning as she slips into the suit. trying to keep as much of her body underwater as she can. A hot pink thong...Really?! Nina: it's all they had,love. I was in kind of a hurry, after all . You know,breaking and entering. Theft. All that sort of thing. Either a thong or a little kids one piece that wouldn't fit. Those were the options. Erica: well...Thanks,Nina. Even if ..* clearly keeps trying to pull the thong part out of her butt crack.* This thing is annoying as hell. Gretchen: you get used to it after awhile. Nina: yeah. Step into being a girl once in awhile. Swimming in shorts and a shirt?! What's next not shaving your armpits? Erica: that's not funny. Nina: I'll say it isn't. Looks like two minature ,unkempt vaginas under your arms. Erica: at first a little pissed off because she assumed Nina was talking about her ex,but the mental imagery finally made her giggle. She leans back and puts her arms behind her head. I'm shaved,gimme a lick. Gretchen and Nina crack up and playfully start to lick Erica's exposed armpits. This causes her to squeak loudly. Soon a security officer pulls up in a little golf cart. Security: um...* Trying not to make eye contact as he isn't sure what he has interrupted* ladies...You may want to take.....This...Inside. someone has broken into the pool shop and they could be dangerous. Nina: why thank you, officer. We didn't see anyone run by. Gretchen: yup. Nobody here but us chickens. Security: um..Ok. take this party inside. We don't want another paint can incident. Erica: wait..What? Security : move it along!
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#134 Posted : 31 July 2018 11:13:05(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		band:The Harlots Title: Donald Trump Ruined My Thanksgiving label:Studio60 Format:Digital download, 7" white vinyl. Heart & Sleeve japan exclusive with pink vinyl. review: the harlots have stood the test of time and have outlasted their vastly more talented counterparts in the rock world. they alone are trudging along with the punk rock flag flying high. but there is no pop to be found in these girls' punk. the entire release runs just short of 7 minutes. the A side,which is arguably the better song,has everything you've come to expect from the harlots. the song barely rhymes and even goes a little astray during one verse. but it really does give the song an off the cuff feel that the harlots are known for. like always,the songs are recorded in one take. aside from the mention of norman rockwell,(who the fuck knows who this is in 2018?!) this song sounds like reading any comments section on any news article. but it lacks the wit that one would expect from erica hess in this situation. she isnt exactly phoning it in,but... it should be better. but the song does rock and make one want to do cheap amphetamines and throw spaghetti at people. the B side is strangely out of place,but it is the songwriting debut of nina sangria. its more traditional and actually crafted like a song. there are verses and choruses. very easy to sing a long to. and you WILL sing this song. with less distortion and ahem erica actually trying to sing (we KNOW she has a decent voice),but instead we get her usual high pitched and slightly off key voice. final verdict? if you're still into first wave punk rock this is the release for you. every one else may want to avoid. Donald trump ruined my thanksgiving The scene was set. As was the table. My mouth was willing My stomach able. Straight outta the Saturday evening post. Like a living Norman Rockwell painting . A heaping slice of Americana. My crazy aunt was the host . The smells of the season pleased us. We were ready to stuff our faces. But our faces dropped A portrait of trump had replaced Jesus. We tried to ignore it. Of course we did. I asked for the stuffing to be passed. My hand was smacked away. My aunt shouted "This is a buyout bid!" "You can't eat for free. It's not that kind of meal!" She angrily spouted. Spittle spraying everywhere. Most landed in the yams,so I didn't care. Fuck yams. Corn is the thinking woman's vegetable. Instead,she gave us all copies of the art of the deal. "Can't we just eat?" I timidly asked. I was still in that holiday Spirit. Even if things were getting strange. "No,you Marxist commie. I'm feeding your brain". She said and turned on the Infowars podcast. Pizza basement pedophile rings. Gay frogs Reptile people FEMA camps Globalist mind control. I didn't give a fuck. Didn't give a shit. All it made me think of was Domino's wings. But Alex Jones did finally speak to me. I picked up on it between the lines of bullshit. I nodded slowly at the bloated God of tinfoil hats. I too would go super saiyan.rip off my shirt. Get angry. I decided I had to make a stand. I looked at my aunt. I looked at the book. The knife and fork were in my hand With great vengeance and furious anger I decided to eat. I sliced the cover of the book and looked her in the eye. "Don't you dare!" My aunt hissed. I gave her the finger and took a bite. The cover was dusty and didn't taste like meat. I continued on and chewed the table of contents. Each time I swallowed,it was a dagger to her heart . She twisted and she writhed. The wicked witch was melting. She whimpered "This...this is blasphemous!" I continued on to chapter one. I was basking in my public mastication. My aunt held out a crucix but it had Trump's youngest son on it. I think his name is Barron. I sneered at her.but little did I know,I overplayed my hand. I was being selfish. I was being destructive. I was just like the slob in the highest office in the land. I chewed on chapter two.I could not balk. The corners of the book were exceptionally tough. Once they hit my rectum I doubt I would be able to walk. I chided my aunt with,"your Savior has tiny hands and his penis lacks girth!" She fumed and she spat. With one fluid motion,she flipped the table on to the floor. She had had enough. She was going for scorched Earth. There it all went. The stuffing. The turkey. The mashed potatoes. The apple pie. The rest of the shit I couldn't care less about. "Same time next year?" She asked with a smile and a glint. I nodded affirmative. Even though I was still mad. I held up my half finished book And asked for a doggie bag. Song description: fucking well peels paint at 50 feet,love. sure,it'll be dated as fuck in a few years,but we dont make classics. we just aimed to make song that physically can not be played loud enough- nina song inspiration: i started out wanting to write a song about the man himself. he's a nutjob so it should be easy,right? no! how does madness see itself?! i just could not do it. but i read so many stories about families not talking to each other because some people like/dont like donald trump. i imagine that has to make holidays sooooo weird! so i put myself in that situation and this was the song i wrote. sounds like: (but obviously with a squeaky girl singing) Youth group girl Sitting in art class Just daydreaming about your ass. So round And curvy in those jeans. Soon I wonder what the wwjd on your shirt means. You look so cool You look so hot But then I realize You're into everything I'm not. There is no future for us. You've promised yourself to Jesus. All the Chastity that entails. I'll never touch your holiest of Grails. It's totally not right It's totally not fair. From your glasses to your hair. You look punk as fuck. Then I hear you talking about John 316.... Now I'm stuck. You look so cool You look so hot But then I realize You're into everything I'm not. There is no future for us. You've promised yourself to Jesus. All the Chastity that entails. I'll never touch your holiest of Grails. Youre in a Christian band. I can see the remainants of X's on your hands. Straight edge is par for the course. To quote Hank hill: You aren't making Christianity better,youre making rock and roll worse. You look so cool You look so hot But then I realize You're into everything I'm not. There is no future for us. You've promised yourself to Jesus. All the Chastity that entails. I'll never touch your holiest of Grails Don't take advantage of my crush. Your morals won't allow you to ever do enough To interest me in your Church . You look so cool You look so hot But then I realize You're into everything I'm not. There is no future for us. You've promised yourself to Jesus. All the Chastity that entails. I'll never touch your holiest of Grails b]Song description[/b]: the harlots at their catchiest. The kind of song you and your friends sing while drunk off your asses. It's also the kind of song you sing when drunk by yourself., crying, and falling down in your own vomit. You think you might have a problem,but if you sing along while sober? You just have bad taste in music. So you fist fuck your liver until it began for mercy- Erica. Song inspiration- one of the few songs written by me. Based on a true story actually. I knew this girl in school, right? Very cute and had an ass like Erica swears she has. Now I'm talking to her,working that Nina magic. right,loves? So she starts talking about all these bands I never had heard of. Now I'm pretty knowledgeable about the local scene and was befuddled, bamboozled even! So she hands me a flyer for some show at a church. Which was concerning,but the harlots have played some church basments in our time,so im not scared off yet. The girl then tells me,"these bands really lift up Jesus." So ,I'm like "lift him up?! Did he fall down,love?"....and that was the last time she spoke to me.- Nina Sounds like: (but with a squeaky girl singing)
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#135 Posted : 18 February 2019 04:17:22(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Band: The Harlots Title: Who Gives a Fuck What its called? Label: Studio60 Format:mp3/ 7" vinyl Rating: * sounds like: The proper care of potted plastic plants. I'm the himmler of hydrangeas. Im the stalin of snap dragons. Im the pol pot of peonies. I'm the chairman Mao of marigolds. Killing these motherfuckers like it Doesn't mean a thing. Toss em in the trash and Sing Sing Sing. The bin is their mausoleum. Replace them with a twin One made of petroleum. I'm the ted Bundy of tiger lillies. For sunflowers I'm the son of Sam. I'm the Manson of morning glory. Im the Donnie Osmond of dandelions. Killing these motherfuckers like it Doesn't mean a thing. Toss em in the trash and Sing Sing Sing. The bin is their mausoleum. Replace them with a twin One made of petroleum. I'm the Saddam Hussein of star anise! I'm the Osama bin Laden of okra! I'm the George w bush of grape vines! I'm the Ronald Reagan of radishes! Killing these motherfuckers like it Doesn't mean a thing. Toss em in the trash and Sing Sing Sing. The bin is their mausoleum. Replace them with a twin One made of petroleum. hmmm, i can't look at my Ikea artwork the same ever again Long day. Traffic sucked in every way. Im not morally gray. Porn fantasy,take me away. There on their couch. There on their wall. These were two girls. No bouncing balls. There i was on My couch. I glanced to the my wall. Nailed up securely,so it wouldn't fall I had the same picture. My skin began to crawl. What did their choice in decoration mean?! Was it mere coincidence? Myself and the actresses, We were looking at the same scene. A London street corner. Black and white,but the bus was in color. Brilliant red. Like a porn actresses never smudging lipstick. A faceless crowd. Much like the people watching their video. Moaning loud. Are they on a movie set? Or are they in a house? Holy shit...what if they Were in my house?! That's insane. It cannot be. Some porn director simply shops in the same places as me.........? review: if there is one constant in life that isnt death and taxes,its the utter shittiness of The Harlots. this band has been going on now for...what? near 15 years? there has been absolute no progression in terms of musicianship,or songwriting. sure,the duo of nina sangria and chloe pastis play tighter than a duck's asshole,as they should. its the same buzzsaw sound over and over and over again. but the songs...sheesh the songs. you can see this done better by the read hards. why do we live in a world where they are regulated to the sidelines,but The Harlots somehow are household names. this writer can only assume its due to tits. which even at this point in time are getting long in the tooth. songs here are based off killing houseplants and replacing them with plastic ones and seeing the same picture on the wall in a porno as you have in your house. you know,real groundbreaking stuff. so if you prefer your punk rock to mean nothing,say nothing,and utterly be worth nothing? this is for you. it's catchy...but so are scabies.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#136 Posted : 25 April 2020 04:31:34(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		band: The Harlots Title: none given Label: Studio60 format: 7" vinyl, download. rating: * just the frosted tip just the frosted tip,ah! just the frosted top,oh! just the frosted tip,whoopee! just the frosted tip,oh gee! it all started when i watched food tv. some moron named guy fieri. i laughed and i joked. cackled and i choked. he was so goofy and such...a sex robot?! i didnt know how...i didnt know why, but he got me hot. flavor town is down in my g-uy spot! just the frosted tip,ah! just the frosted top,oh! just the frosted tip,whoopee! just the frosted tip,oh gee! a time traveling phone booth appeared and out stepped mark mcgrath. sugar ray sucked and this guy looks like a mountain dew sitz bath. single handedly ruined wifebeaters and swallow tattoos. he made me scream on extra with his lame interviews. suddenly,i got that low down, funny feeling. fly into my mean machine. just the frosted tip,ah! just the frosted top,oh! just the frosted tip,whoopee! just the frosted tip,oh gee! similar in style to:: you got your kaleidoscope in my fleshlight. (No,you got YOUR fleshlight in my kaleidoscope) erica singing i dropped some acid and waited for a sec. i hurried to my roomate's room,i knew what came next. my kaledscope was on the fritz and i wanted to raise the effects. i reached under his bed. i reached in that box. i pushed away some suspiciously crusty socks. the acid started to hit and i put the tube to my peeper. it wasnt colors that i saw,it was something far creepier. i should have known when that rubber hit my face. but i was lost in time,i was lost in space. i dont think surprise was the only thing on my face. i panicked. i may have acted brash. i shouted and tossed that rubber tube into the trash. my trip was ruined and i went to bed. *instrumental break* nina singing it was a weekend so i was sleeping late. another week passes. another week without a date. i started feeling frisky,as one is apt to do. this is the day and age of the automobile, its best thing since crazy glue. fleshlight,i keep you in a box. i know its like a coffin in there. but i cant keep you out. i am not ashamed. but what if i get a visit from fred astaire? my face would be red. that is what. so in the box you stay. this is black and white. there is no room for grey. so im all ready. i'm all slippery and hard. im going to shake this spear,like i am the bard. but when i look in my box,you are gone! fuck. if i was mcguyver,i could make one out of crayon. but i am not. so i won't. i am ready..so i have to see this through. i remember my roommate has a suspiciously large tube. in it,i didnt find pleasure. i didnt find relief. i only found pain. and a very colorful grief. both these two things,arent like the other. these two things wont go together. they're not like chocolate and peanut butter. these two things should never mix. some wounds you just cant fix.... similar in style to: review: you either love or hate the harlots. this sort of goes for anything from the hess clan collective. though mariko seems to have the most accessible music. the harlots and atomic war bride however? sheesh. they've marched to the beat of their own mediocre drum for so long that we really cant criticize them for it anymore. this latest harlots release is what happens when all the grown ups leave the music industry. this is stupid for the sake of being stupid. i'd like to say the harlots stopped caring years ago,but...the b side (i refuse to write that stupid song title) is actually very well done,musically speaking. erica and nina do play off each other's voices well. erica is high pitched and bubbly,while nina is slightly lower but can harmonize for the finishing verse. as usual,the song titles are far more clever than the execution. we keep letting them get away with it,so we can only blame ourselves. pros- you can clean your house while in quarantine to it. cons- youve heard this done better elsewhere.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#137 Posted : 07 December 2020 02:46:13(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		artist:The Harlots title: I am a Fetish format: 7" hot pink vinyl. Label:Studio60 Genre: punk rock I'm a fetish I'm a fetish. Nothing behind my eyes. I'm a fetish. Use me for what's between my thighs. I'm a fetish. Nothing going on inside my head. I'm a fetish. I don't exist outside a bed. I'm a fetish. I'll lay there like a picnic ham. I'm a fetish. I offer nothing but I come from japan. I'm a fetish. All my clothes are School uniforms. I'm a fetish. I get aroused at the sight of worms. I'm a fetish. I kiss other girls only for your pleasure. I'm a fetish. Who cares what I like? It doesn't matter . I'm a fetish. I have no personality. I'm a fetish. I'm nothing outside my nationality.. similar in flavor and sound to: Erica sez: obviously inspired by one of of the more silly twitter spats i've been in. from now on? unless i've fucked you or you are national political figure,i am not arguing with you over twitter. surprisingly, there is no overlap between people i've fucked and national political figures. do i need to up my game,or do i have too good of taste to get wrapped up with those sorts of people? who knows. anyways, if anyone thinks this is the first time i've been accused of being or using fetishes to my advantage...well,i've got some bridges to sell you. i dont even know if it says more about me that i am not offended by it. i've heard it so many times,its just sort of become background noise at this point. i've been japanese my entire life,i've been bisexual ever since i started developing romantic feelings for people. i am what i am. sorry if this fits your fetish. forever i'll live forever. be hot forever. be healthy forever. a castle against time. the best embalming money can buy. for those few minutes,i'll never die. no wrinkles will make their presence known. cancer cant infect these cells. my odometer will remain broken. i'll get old and wither away. i'll perish and rot. but video is forever. sounds similar to: erica sez: unsurprisingly,i have trouble writing songs. its dull and i would much rather just perform live. but.. we needed a b side for this single. i put on some of my favorite songs on youtube and i realized....some of these songs are really old. the artists that did them are now old too or dead. yet, thanks to video,i will always see them as they were. one day,that will be me. i will be long dead but people will forget that fact and see me as the youthful singer i once was. i guess 2020 has fucked us all. i realize neither of these songs are "fun" in the typical harlots way. but..oh well. GOLDENHEART sort of inspired me to take on issues that i care about. nina sez: wot? we're doing this like atomic war bride,love? no. fuck that that. i am paid to play guitar,not prattle on about why we chose this sound for that song. its punk rock. play three chords as angry as you can. done.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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erich hess		#138 Posted : 11 December 2020 03:03:40(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Erica Hess Nina Sangria Chloe Pastis minimum rock & roll minimum rock & roll: its been a long time since they've done interviews. i think in the past few years,the harlots have released more music than granted interviews. any reason as to why? nina: pretty sure nobody gives two shits what we have to say anymore,love. drinks what is clearly the latest wine box in what is probably a long line of them erica: shrugs we've done the b list thing so well that we've fell completely off the the list. Nina: the better question is: why has it taken YOU so long to interview us?! Erica: yeah! we DEMAND answers. minimum rock & roll: well,you two have a reputation for being notoriously hard to interview. nina: poppycock,love. erica: yeah, pop your cock. nina:love,not the time. Erica: your mom is the time! minimum rock & roll: are you done? erica: maybe. we'll see. minimum rock & roll: the obvious news is the new single- Erica: interrupting next question. nina: you cant very well start at the end,love. the logical place for anyone to start is the beginning. minimum rock & roll:the beginning of what? erica: are we the journalists here? no. do your fucking job! chloe: yeah! do your job. nina: you know you suck when chloe dunks on you. minimum rock & roll: ...ok...when you guys formed the harlots- nina: too far back,love. the readers should already know our story. Chloe: get with the program! jesus christ,guy. erica: a bit much,chloe. tone it down some notches. nina: you'll have to pardon chloe,interviewer guy. she is new. erica: like a newborn calf. nina: she tried suckling me twice today. minimum rock & roll: slowly and slightly scared of the reaction ok....so nina and erica...you've both done big brother since the last time you were interviewed? erica:nods along to the questioning Nina: much better,love. continue. minimum rock & roll: what were your thoughts on how it went? nina: it was fun. didnt do shit for my career though. i'm still second banana to erica. erica: you know you like my second banana. nina:your mom likes two bananas. erica: blank stare can...can she do that? she just stole my joke! tell her to stop,interviewer guy. minimum rock & roll: it appears she just did. erica: narrows eyes i hope someone steals your stupid hair. minimum rock & roll: this hairstyle is making a comback! Erica:no. no,it isnt. minimum rock & roll: how about you,erica? your latest season of big brother had all the ingredients for chaos,but never delivered. even now,you seem to have venom for nicole shade,but on the show,you seemingly were friendly with her. erica: could you willingly make ada sad? i am not a monster,sir. i think she definitely was the peacekeeper there. other than that,gemma being totally rad, and i lost to another kahn,i have nothing to say about it. Nina: did we do this questioning before? Erica: i dunno. Maybe we did. We've been pretty inactive for awhile. Nina: at least on the interview front. Erica: nobody's interviewing my front. There's places microphones don't go. Nina: this guy though? Looks like the sort to try minimum rock & roll: what do you think of mariko and nat- erica: do i look like mariko to you? Ask her. minimum rock & roll: so...the latest single. erica: i dont think any of us were really happy with it. commentary isnt really our thing. nina: right. while we love bands that are like that. it feels kinda weird,you know? it'd be like if the toy dolls started doing songs like dead kennedys. minimum rock & roll: why do punks' knowledge of politics seem to end at dead kennedys? erica: um..... er... nina: looks at her bandmates and doesnt say anything. chloe: whispering dude! you arent supposed to ask that! it just is sort of accepted that that is the way things are. erica: so anyway,fuck thatcher and reagan! minimum rock & roll: they've been dead for years. nina: so am i,love. at least on the inside. but you dont see me getting all pissy about it. minimum rock & roll: so what caused the change in direction for the harlots? erica: some goofball and then getting super pumped by joshua grimmie. nina: he...he pumped you,love? erica: no, but he dated layla. so he clearly likes them cute. nina: or maybe layla did that thing,you know THE THING. minimum rock & roll: you are kind of a collector of gossip,erica. do you think you will ever know the truth about the urban myth of joshua grimmie. you seem to be lightly obsessed with it. erica: i kind of hope i dont. the chase is much better than the reward,i imagine. nina: the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was the friends we made along the way,love. Erica: nice. minimum rock & roll: the response to your latest single has been... lackluster to say the least. What happened? Chloe: your mom happened! * Smug look and finger guns* Erica:* blank stare* Nina: his mom probably is the sort to torpedo our releases, love. She's got them beadie little eyes. Like a ferret or something. minimum rock & roll: my mother has normal eyes! In fact, she and all the people at the old people home are huge fans of yours. Nina:* sits quietly before getting up and leaving.* I bid you good day, sir. minimum rock & roll: too close to the truth? Punk died ages ago. Nina: I said good day,sir! minimum rock & roll: * video feed cuts* Erica: did...did chloe just steal my bit...and do it pretty good?!? Nina: his hair was a fucking wig,love.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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kandii		#139 Posted : 23 December 2020 14:33:13(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered Joined: 18/03/2013(UTC) Posts: 7,279 Thanks: 16409 times Was thanked: 10467 time(s) in 3435 post(s)		Coke: You know my take away from all of this? Erica is sexy and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I know that's right. When you look this good, you are immortalized. hair flip
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erich hess		#140 Posted : 23 December 2020 23:44:39(UTC)
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Moderators, Registered Joined: 09/04/2010(UTC) Posts: 42,786 Location: representing the 954 Thanks: 21803 times Was thanked: 18044 time(s) in 10489 post(s)		Erica: coke gets it! It's almost like I should have some award stating such. I'm like trump and I'll never admi defeat even in the face of overwhelming proof. Gretchen: you take that back about being like grump or I'm never doing that thing you like EVER again. Erica: the thing with the trail of gummi bears and strawberry jam? Gretchen: no,not murder on the Gretchen express. You know,the whole living and being with you thing. Erica: I misspoke. I admit defeat. Gretchen: that's better. Now..opens bag of gummi bears there's been murder most foul and only you can solve it, detective Erica.
		"I'm not saying its even a good thing to own a chimpanzee. But that's freedom, folks." Alex Jones.

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