dr bill
nina sangria
erica hess
dr bill:hello and welcome to the show.today we have two lovely ladies with us,erica and nina of the harlots.
erica:hi bill,it's really good to be here.
dr bill:thanks for agreeing to be on.*holds up a copy of "the harlots in" i have here a copy of your debut album,and i got to say it's....nice.also,after the show everyone in the audience will receive a copy!
the audience claps politely
dr bill:as a dr of the mind,i feel we can learn alot about an artist from their work.now,what about the song "if i had katy perry boobs"? are you insecure about your body,erica?
erica:what? no!
dr bill:i'm here to tell you that your smaller breasts are just fine.
crowd applauds madly
erica:i'll have you know i've never had any complaints.besides,it's supposed to be a funny song about how a fantastic set of knockers could save the world.bring peace to the middle east,feed the children,etc etc.
dr bill:it's ok,erica.you dont have to make excuses here.*trys to hug erica as she squirms away.*
nina:yeah,not everyone is born with great boobs,love.
erica:god dammit! it's not about me! you helped write it,nina.
nina:true,but it's obvious i need no help in that dept.
erica:that's because your's are implants! thats right bitch,every body knows.
nina:*gasps* they are not!!
dr bill:now,now.we arent here to discuss real vs fake.we're here to talk about erica's insecurity.
erica:the song is not about me.*pauses for several seconds,then clamps her arms around her chest* quit staring at them! alot of people like smaller ones.
nina:and i dont have implants!
erica:*sighs* i know.
dr bill:if you just admit it,you'll feel better erica.
erica:look,i said it's just a funny song.lets quit talking about my chest.
dr bill:denial isnt just a river in egypt.but on to the next question.being your first time in a studio,how did the recording process go?
nina:honestly,love.there was so much coke around,nobody can recall.
erica:ALOT of coke.it was like tony *BLEEP*in montana in there.
dr phil:are you talkiing about cocaine?
nina:no,the soda.*smirks*
dr bill:this is no joking matter,nina.have you any idea what cocaine does to you?
nina:i got a pretty good idea,love.*winks* besides,it's part and parcel to the whole "big time recording" process.our producer,erich even bought a clip on pony tail.
erica:and a bmw.
dr bill:*shakes head* you guys may think it's "cool" and "rad"to do drugs.but it's a one way ticket to "squaresville". have either of you had to have sex to procure cocaine?
erica:sex for cocaine? ew,good lord no. we pay cash like any sensible person.
nina:now sex on cocaine? thats another matter entirely.
dr bill:have either of you thought all this drug use and promiscuity hides an underlying issue?
erica:yeah,have you nina? *wags finger*
dr bill:i'm talking to you too,erica.
erica:no you arent.i'm not the ex-porn star here,"love"
nina:only because you have tiny boobs!
erica:*narrows eye and shakes fist*you're on thin ice,missy.
dr bill:how does all that promiscuity make you feel?
nina:....um,sticky?
erica:i take offense to this entire line of questioning.you only have a problem because she is a girl.you mean to tell me,you've never nailed one of these frumpy soccer moms in her own min van?
crowd boos.
dr bill:this isnt about me.i'm here to help you.why are you so angry? the harlot's music is so loud and aggressive.what's got you girls so darned mad?
crowd cheers
nina:it's hard to play happy punk rock,love
dr bill:punk rock?! this sounds like junk rock to me!
crowd murmurs with agreement.
erica:our music is angry? i seriously doubt "there's a ninja in my cheese wedge"is going to incite riots.even in the most volatile of environments.
nina:unless it's played at an anti ninja rally.the people anger at the drop of a hat.
erica:true,you gotta watch those bastards.
dr bill:your song "pedophiles always think of the children" disturbs me frankly.i fail to see the humor in child molesting.
crowd cheers
erica:oh come on.dont be so uptight.your kind of people are always asking "isnt anyone thinking of the children??".well,apparently some people ALWAYS think of the children.
nina:*innocently* dr bill,i tried to get her not to write that song.but she flipped out and forced me to play the bloody song! *dramatically crys* i had no choice!!!
dr bill:is this true,erica?!
nina:she even strangled me with my own bra!
erica:nina,i'm so going to kick your ass!
nina:*cringes and clings to dr bill* oh god,she's at it again,love!!
dr bill:forcing others to participate in your sick humor is wrong,erica.....did someone violate you,erica?
crowd hushes
erica:people like you take the fun out of everything.jesus christ,it's just a song! and for the record,nobody "violated" me.i lost my virginity the way any good america girl does:to some guy named josh while drunk on mozzarella schnapps.
nina:i think her hostility stems from breast envy.
dr bill:is this true,erica?
erica:ok,enough!!! drop it! i love my boobs.*gives them a good squeeze*i love them! if i could,i'd totally make out with a clone of myself.there is nothing wrong with me!!!
dr bill:my work is done.that's all i needed to hear.thanks for letting me help you through this debilitating situation.
erica:you didnt do *BLEEP*!
dr bill:oh didnt i? *winks*thats all the time we have today.join us tomorrow as i tackle the issues with laverne spivey.the chair person of "mothers against anything not fuzzy,furry,soft,rounded or yellow.
nina:oh,she sounds like a blast,love.
