Erica is sitting at her table,spinning a lemon with her hands.soft music plays in the background and warm light spills through gingham curtains . It gives the set a real homey feel. Erica looks up at the camera and smiles. She holds up the lemon beside her face. It has a scowling face drawn on it with marker. " oh hi! Sorry we didnt hear you come in. Ol' Lemmy and I were having too much fun. Get it,Lemmy? Lemon?" She giggles At her own corniness.
Erica folds her hands and smiles at the camera. Soon a bowl is placed on the table by a pair of large,hairy hands,entering from the left side of the screen. Erica giggles and says " thanks,Gina." Before sliding the bowl closer to her. "Like most new and expectant mothers,I am well aware of those bastards at the Monsanto corporation and their nature fucking orgy of science. So I try to only buy organic and local fruits and vegetables. Meat I don't buy locally on the off chance I once petted said animal at a petting zoo once. Call me crazy,but I don't want THAT on my conscious." Erica giggles and picks up a banana. Unconsciously stroking it in a very dirty way.
" so we organic folks are ok,right? WRONG!" Erica slams her hand on the table,and banana goes everywhere. " ew... " she grimaces,sputtering some banana off her lip. She picks up an apple and shines it on her sleeve. " ok,looks tasty,smells tasty. And a pretty good chance it isn't a mealy apple. God,I hate those. So you bring it to your lips and.....YOU JUST ATE DOO! You see,William,apple picker extrordinaire, had diarrhea that day. But he couldn't take a day off,as farmer jed would have him killed. So? William picks apples and shits all day long. You think he cares about backsplash? Nope. Wash your fruit,people. Thoroughly." Erica looks at the apple,totally disgusted and drops it back in the bowl.
She now picks up a bundle of grapes. " grapes. Innocent looking things,huh. I've heard some moron once payed 17 dollars for a bag of these things!" Erica cracks up,rolling from side to side in her chair and kicking her feet. ",whew..in any case,grapes usually are moist from the mister at the store. So you can get away with not washing these....right? FAT CHANCE! See,what you don't know is frank,the produce guy, is a chronic masturbater. And Wendy the new check out girl has an ass that won't quit. So take a wild guess as to what's all up on your grapes? That's right,sperm.yummy,produce guy sperm. Just what you want on your fruits." Erica makes a face and drops the grapes on the table,which fall with a "splot" sound.
" so there we have it. Folks,wash food before eating it. Unless you like poo and sperm in your food." Erica says brightly while pointing to logo behind her " keep our food sperm and poo free in twenty fourteen!" Screen goes black.....