erich is sitting in the tiki bar of the duke of winchester. aside from him,the ship is empty. erica and nina are at a convention in vegas,and karoliena recently left to prepare for the phil spectres tour.erich pours himself a new glass of absinthe and places the spoon on top.

erich:*patting his pockets and looking under napkins at the bar* shit! outta sugar cubes. hmm,i must have sugar cubes. tradition dictates.

the first 3 chords of "jailhouse rock" sound,and elvis presley appears beside erich.bad ass 50's elvis,not the slightly less bad ass 70's one.

elvis: hey there,boy. long time no see.

erich: *falls off barstool* christ,you scared the shit out of me!....almost literally.

elvis: uh..ok.

erich: loose bowels sink ships,mr presley.

elvis: i thought it was "loose lips sink ships"?

erich:poor,poor elvis. the world has changed a lot since 1977. i am pretty sure "bowels" is the correct word.

elvis: i'll have to get back to you on that.

erich:you do that. hey,you mind hopping on the other side of the bar? i dont like being both bartender and patron.people might see and get the idea i am crazy.

elvis:*dissappears and manifests behind the bar* ok.what'll you have?

erich:*frowns at his glass* sugar cubes and a small pitcher of water?

elvis: *roots around behind the bar* looks like you're fresh out.

erich: couldnt you just use your king magic and poof some up some?

elvis:*wiping the bar top as bartenders like to do* it doesnt work that way.

erich: well why the hell not?!

elvis: i really couldn't say.i missed out on the orientation class.

erich:hell yeah. nobody orients the king anywhere. *drops a few squirts from an eye dropper into his mouth.* not that i dont enjoy your company,but you must have a reason to visit me.

elvis:*pours himself a drink* mainly to save you from yourself.again. if you keep drinking tonight,you'e gonna be singing with me for eternity...and i just aint ready for that.

erich: oh....well much obliged to you.booze is getting dull anyway. laudanum is far more fun.

elvis: get out there and enjoy the world! .....i hear that the earth is hollow,and you can enter it through antartica.

erich: hmm. you're right! an expedition is just what i need! i'll have to swing by and get erica. mr presley,thank you.*finishes off the dropper and throws it out a porthole.*

elvis: thats the spirit! *notices erich leaving* uh,where are you going?

erich: to get my keys,i am not walking to las vegas.

elvis: i really dont think you are in any condition to drive. you've been talking to a hallucination for the past hour.

erich:*pauses briefly* you make a good point..but alas i am not intoxicated enough to listen to said hallucination's concerns for my safety.*resumes twirling keys around his finger and makes his way to the duke's cargo area.*

the ship's cargo hold is home to the hess clan's stable of cars.there are about 150 different cars in there.everything from classic american cars to modern exotics live in the dingy hold.

erich: its hot in vegas,right?

elvis: like a motherfucker.

erich: charming. something with air conditioning is in order.that cuts my choices drastically...hmm lets see...ah yes. spyker it is!

erich gets in a black spyker c8 and starts it up.he revs it a few times,then puts the car in gear.first gear is mistaken for reverse and erich plows into a datsun 510*

erich: *looking at the poor little car's crumpled grill* shit! my datsun! .shit! my overly expensive other car! how can i make up for penile short comings with my c8 smashed?! dammit,elvis.you knew i was too fucked up to drive! why didnt you say something!

elvis has left the building....er,ship.

erich: great. way to flake out on me..no wonder the bastard died on a toilet..naked.* looks around at the cars* hmm,functional a/c isnt to be found here. i guess a convertible will have to do.

erich pops a handful of pills.then hops into an mg midget,dukes of hazzard style ,and roars off into the night.

ooc: thanks!

the mg midget blasts through the traffic surrounding the luxor. it is caked with desert dust,in some places small cacti have been taped to it's body. the car comes to a halt mere feet from the front door of the establishment.

doorman: you cannot park that here!

erich:*turning the car off* it seems i can. the car is in neutral,the handbake is pulled,the engine is off. the layperson would clearly describe this car as "parked".

doorman: no,it cant be parked "here". *gestures to the general area*

erich: you would like that,wouldnt you? you and your valet buddies want to fuck up my ride,well i am on to you.every last god damn one of you.* falls out the car and begins to go inside*

doorman: if you do not move this car,i will have it towed.

erich: you threaten me?! i will call and have YOU towed! yeah,how do you like that? a towtruck will come and tow you away. a tow hook to the rectum and off you will go. now good day to you.

doorman: you really aren't-

erich: i said good day,sir!

erich staggers inside. he pops some pills into his mouth and washes them down with cough syrup.he approaches the front desk. the girl there looks petrified. much like his car,erich is caked in dirt and has small cacti taped to his person.he is also wearing a bomber hat and goggles. he rings the bell,even though the girl is right in front of him.

desk girl: sir,i am right here. please quit with the bell.

erich: very good. sorry,i cant see shit with these goggles. they must remain though.if i wasnt wearing them,the desert sun would burn my eyes right out of their sockets.

desk girl: i know its vegas and all,but i have to ask.....whats with the mad max get up?

erich: i may be high off my ass,ma'am... but i know i'd look silly driving a convertible in the desert whilst wearing an armani suit.

desk girl:...and the cactus taped all over you?

erich: camouflage. rommell,the desert fox,is out there. he is gunning for your's truly and i will be damned if i am going to make it easy for him. yes,we must confuse gerry at every turn.

desk girl: *surprisingly unsurprised at this explanation* you'l find miss hess and miss sangria in room 3002. they are expecting you.

erich: *a look of sheer terror comes over him* how the fuck did you know who i was here for?! right then,out with it! come on.

desk girl: it wasnt hard,trust me.

erich:...ok.hey,is it true prostitution is legal here?

desk girl:in some places,yes.

erich: *raises eyebrow and slides a stack of 100's across the desk.*

desk girl:*slides money back to erich* i turned down twice that from tom jones last week.

erich:really? damn....keep the cash.i dont like the way that shithead,franklin keeps looking at me. *looks pissed off* oh yeah,benny? i dont care how many things you invented,you are still a ugly mother fucker!

guy behind erich,who looks like the bastard offspring of guy fieri and fred durst: hey,asshole! other people need to check in!

erich: you should have gotten here before me,then. fuck it,i am out of here. fucking squaresville,man.

with that,erich makes his way to the elevators.he finishes off his cough syrup bottle and pushes tbe 30th floor button. by some small miracle,erich finds the right room.

erica :*answering the door* erich! you made it! *hugs him tight,then quickly pushes him away* ugh,shower.now. you smell like zombie ass crack.

erich: yeah.being awake for a week straight on trucker grade amphetamines wrecks havoc with one's pheromone balance.

erica i dont care.go get clean and burn those clothes....got any more of that stuff?

erich:*hands her a bag with all sorts of pills,vials,smaller bags with nefarious looking substances inside,and a good helping of sand.* fucking sand,it gets everywhere...rommell! that wiley bastard has been rooting in my stash!

erich runs a hot bath and climbs inside.he promptly passes out in the now black water.

ooc: thank you for reading such nonsense.

the curtain falls,time passes. how much time is anyone's guess.nina,erich,and erica are sitting in the suite's living room. each are clad in the height of fashion,namely luxor bathrobes. they are currently enjoying the electric embrace of an early morning booze session.

erica: these robes are super cushy.i feel like i am wrapped in marshmallow filled baby seal husks.

erich: i feel like i should be yelling at kids to "get off my lawn"!

erica: i do have to say this visit was quite a surprise.

nina:*sighs* yeah..surprise. now we are going to miss the convention,love!

erich: just what sort of convention do you guys go to?

nina: amateur magicians of south east canada. they are some pretty swinging cats.

erich: i dont recall seeing either of you do any tricks...nina's ping pong ball trick notwithstanding.

erica:thats the beauty of it.being a roomful of amateur magicians,EVERYONE is a terrible magician....or children's birthday party clowns.

nina:it's bonkers,love. you havent lived until a drunken,poor imitation of emmit kelly tries to "accidently" bump your boob with his red clown nose.

erich:*already putting his clothes on* lame magicians? red clown noses? boobs? why the fuck are we sitting around here?! this i must see!

nina: *stirring her drink* still got a couple hours before the doors open. *smirks* however will we kill all that time?

erica: hit the casino and go all rainman on their asses!

nina: wha?!

erich: yes. we will need matching suits,and wayfarers.

erica: i am not wearing a suit. i want my butt to look cute. suits are too....annie lennox.

erich: you are right. matching suits are just what those bastards will be expecting.confuse gerry at every turn.

nina:*mouths to erica* gerry?

erica:*shrugs and gestures like she is smoking joint*

erich:you two get dressed and meet me in the lobby. we're gonna tear vegas a new asshole.

erica and nina rummage through the dresser for clothes

erich:*chomping on peyote* erica,might i see you for a moment?

erica: sure,what's up? *helps herself to some funny cactus.*

erich:*whispering* we gotta ditch nina.i drove out here in an mg. we cannot fit three people in it. no matter how creative we get with lap sitting.

erica:*whisper yelling* I AM NOT DITCHING NINA! SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

erich: adventure beckons. antarctica is our destination,the earth is hollow......we simply do not have room in the car.nina must go.

nina: what are you two whispering about? i looove secrets. what is it,what is it,what is it? * bouncing up and down.*

erich and erica: nothing!

nina: you guys arent planning on having your way with me,are you? i dont know what you've heard,loves... but i am not into that.*giggles* but i am easily persuaded.

erich: stifle,good natured trollop. i must go retrieve the car....which can totally fit all 3 of us..yes,all 3 of us.

nina:trollop?! dont call me a trollop,you.....you.....cad!

erica: wow. way to dust off the 19th century insults.

nina: a car is near useless on the strip anyway. why dont we just walk?

erich: this is america, god dammit. we have men dying and killing for the right to drive cars,and i'll be damned if i am not going to excercise that right.
*straps his goggles and bomber hat on and walks out the door*

erica:nothing says "i'm fucked up,seach me for drugs" like going out in a bathrobe and a bomber hat.

nina:*slipping into a t shirt* dont forget the goggles,love....i desperately want a pair. i dont want my eyes being burned out of their sockets.

…meanwhile in the lobby. erich walks up to the doorman,a different man than the one he previously met

erich:good god man! what happened to you?! *removes goggles,wipes the lenses and puts them back on* you must have grew 6 inches and gained 20 pounds. just what the fuck are they feeding you?

doorman: what?

erich: when i last saw you,you were much shorter,thinner....and black?

doorman: oh,that's gary. he doesnt work on the weekend.

erich:*looks skeptical for a few moments.* good show. confuse gerry at every turn.

doorman: gary.

erich: listen,my good man..i paid "*air quotes and winks* "gary" to watch my car.i need it,quickly.

doorman: i dont deal wth valet. talk to the guys over there .*points to tbe valet booth.*

erich: valet? sir,do i strike you as some sort of upper crust,jp morgan executive? i park my own car. now where is it? did you put some sort of cloaking device on it?....*gasps* did rommel commandeer it?

doorman:*under his breath* fucking drunks....sir,why dont you return to your room,sleep it off and try to find your valey stub?

erich: "sleep it off"?! i am a respected neurosugeon! ....wait,i get it. you think i am with gerry,right? you are trying to mislead me! look,i parked a 1968 mg midget right in this very spot. no valet,nothing. i parked it right here! it was blue,covered in dirt and cacti.a fucking prime example of the wonders of british engineering!

doorman:THAT was your car? oh,it was towed 3 days ago.

erich:*glaring* no cooperation,no cooperation at all.

erich angrily returns to nina and erica's room.all the time muttering about rommel and the theft of his car.in the room,erica and nina have taken full advantage of the chemicals left in their care.

erica: we were supposed to meet you in the lobby. how nice of you to bring the lobby here.

nina: yes,quite. we were about to play a game of bridge,love. fancy joining us?

erich: that god damn rommel! he is paying these people to cover for him.i wonder how many reichmarks that doorman took to sell me out?

erica: crafty that desert fox. crafty indeed.

nina: we playing bridge or what?

erica: no way. that is an old person's game. we'll sprout wrinkles with every card we play.

nina: then comes gray hair...down there. eew...i cannot take that thought! * throws deck of cards in the toilet and attempts to flush it..it doesnt work.*

erica:great,nina! now when we check out,housekeeping is going to see those cards and think," oh my god. those crazy bitches ate an entire deck of cards and didnt flush. gross".

erica: the convention doesnt open for 4 hours. we are carless-

erich: thanks to fucking rommel.

erica: so the casino is out. we need to kill some time.

nina:this is a pyramid,right?

erica: right.

nina: then there must be a room for human sacrifices,love. i say we catch those bastards in the act.

erica: brilliant...maybe join in. human sacrifices are bound to be catered...with an open bar,i'll wager.

erich: smashing. that rommel will never expect us to meet him on his home turf.

*written in a small notebook that sits on the tv of the hess clan's hotel room*

rommel was on to us. of that, we had no doubt. i would go as far as to say the bmw itself informed on us. perhaps in some ill placed and ill understood form of teutonic solidairity. the car had to go. the hess clan can put up with a lot from machinery that transports us. but selling us out to long dead field marshalls is not one of them. no sense of loyalty what so ever... i wont have it. ..not to mention,it was probably reported stolen. we found a tiny used car lot in the middle of nowhere. there was more dirt and scum on the walls than on the cars . i dont know if this was due to poor housekeeping or semi obsessive car cleaning.the whole effect was sinister and unclean. with weapons grade acid running through one's body,this could be dangerous.

the proprietor was a mountain of a man. more fit for security at an indian casino than selling cars. judging by the state of the salesman,the venue,and the products. our stolen bmw was probably more legit than any vehicle on the lot.front for the mafia? investigate later…

the salesmen sized us up. one crazed reject from a "rebel without a cause" remake, one short japanese girl with a pistol clearly tucked into her trousers,and another girl with extremely tight shorts and a low cut shirt. all three on enough acid to fuel an entire phish show. he had us pegged for outlaws,hippies,or some weird ass offshoot of the mormon church....possibly a pimp with a tiny stagble of hoes. erica must be the pimp. she was dressed the nicest and had the visible firearm.

we could smell the gears turning in his head without a neck. he was contemplating calling the man in the back office. they always keep the muscle in the back office... so if this guy was the brains,i'd hate to see the muscle of this operation. with his hand mere inches from the phone,and our doom,he asked "what can i do for you today?"

"we need a 4 wheel drive. a real proper desert car,love. " nina said. i've always admired nina's voice. her accent and inflection makes everything sound like she is saying "fuck me".

the salesman must have heard the same thing,as he sorta stammered and cleared his throat before telling her, "we only got two four wheel drives. a nissan pathfinder and a jeep."

before nina could voice her acceptance or denial,i slam a hand down on his desk and exclaim, " sir, do we strike you as communists?! we will take the jeep. "

"you all right,buddy" he asked. seemingly concerned for my well being.

i mumble something about the desert air being too thick for my lungs,and stick my hands in my pockets.

ten minutes later we are a two car convoy into the heart of the nevada desert. the indian casino security guard/cat dealer/ mafia chap gave us a good price on the jeep... nearly free,providing we purchased a quantity of heroin off him. he had us pegged for drug people from the moment he saw us. we had no want for heroin,but figured it could be used to distract rommel. so we bought a larger than anyone felt comfortable purchasing amount of his powder,and got a free jeep out of the deal.

we drove till midnight and pulled over to the side of the road. no headlights for miles and miles. we poured a Bottle of tequila into the bimmer,and set her ablaze. i can think of no other use for the substance,other than as an accelerant. as the poor car burned,we danced like primitives around it. hoping ,perhaps to please some long forgotten god of vehicular destruction. i think his name would be something like "fiero corvair",or some other terribly shitty car's namesake.

fiero corvair smiled on us indeed,by 4 am we were in the snug of a hotel. by 4:30 we were washed,sleepy,and in bed.

the small boat departs from the duke. erich has his trusty bomber hat and goggles on and strikes a "washington crossing the delaware" pose as the boat skims over the icy water . the tiny craft slides ashore and erich hops out.

erich:*taking a big drink of his flask and stuff his hands back in his pockets.* good god its fucking freezing out here! talk about shrinkage,i'm soaking in it! ......or i just lost my wang to frost bite.

erich makes his way to what must be the front door of the megalithic structure. all around the entrance are piles of snow covered skeletons. erich pulls his revolver from his jacket and rings the doorbell with it's barrel. the door slowly opens and adolf hitler opens the door.

hitler: ja?

erich:GADZOOKS!!! *quickly pistol whips hitler*

hitler: *holding his bleeding nose* what the hell?!

(editor's note: hitler shouldnt be speaking english,but my german is terrible. it would be hilarious if erich traveled the globe,met hitler,and couldnt understand a word he said. so instead,you get this story.)

erich: you're an asshole!.....wait,shouldnt you be dead,or at the very least extremely old?

hitler: i am actually a clone of the original hitler. this is an entire of hitler clones.

erich: how have you survived all these years?

hitler: the new clones eat the old clones.

erich: ew. you are almost as depraved as the original hitler.

hitler: he ate clones too.only meat of the fuehrer was fit to be eaten by the fuehrer. ..who are you anyway?

erich: tv's erich hess from tv's atomic war bride.

hitler: hess?! you arent related to rudy are you?

erich: doubt it i took the name from a gas station i used to drink in front of.

hitler: say,you wouldnt be interested in becoming head of the ss,would you?

erich: no way! are you insane?! wait....nevermind.

hitler: you sure? we have plenty of openings. you can get in on the ground floor of something special.

erich:i'll pass. you guys had pretty snazzy outfits,but mass killings arent my thing. now if you could just point me to doorway to the hollow earth,i'll be on my way.i got hollow earth chicks to chat up.

hitler: you refuse me?! how dare you! i cant let you go,you know our secret.*snaps fingers and a hundred hitlers surround them*

erich:....Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

unphased,the clones keep advancing on erich.

erich: i said Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! get it?

hitler: what? that makes no sense. take him to the camp.

other hitler: no. you do it. i am the leader.

other other hitler: i will not be ordered around!

the clones start fist fighting.soon several are knocked out or bloody. one clone pulls a pistol and then they ALL start firing at each other. erich slips out the front door and runs back to his boat. kicking several penguins out of his way,he hops on the boat and heads for the duke. the penguins,now very pissed off at being treated so roughly,swarm the boat. in groups of twenty,the attempt to capsize erich's boat. after numerous brushes with nearly falling into the instant death of the antarctic water,erich is close enough to grab the rope ladder hanging of the duke's stern. he scurries up the ladder,now tailed by penguins. these were no ordinairy penguins. clearly they were nazi bloodlust penguins. they aimed to murder erich,and lay their eggs in his empty eye sockets. gasping against the cold and sheer exhaustion,erich tumbles over the rail and onto the deck.

erich: * opening his trusty switchblade and cutting the nazi bloodlust penguin filled rope ladder loose from the duke* see you in hell,penguins! *lights a blunt and looks back at the building* wow.... that was weird.

erich starts the duke's engines and sets course for chile.in the distance a small mushroom cloud rises over what used to be the hitler compound. the resulting shockwave rocks the duke slightly,while hundreds of penguins shake their flippers angrily at the departing duke of winchester.