I approached the edge. A expanse of water spilled out in front of me following a curved pathway until it it ended, far, far off in the distance as it merged with the sea. That far horizon called to me shrouded in a haze yet obscenely beautiful. The river looked serene from above, yet it moved with unrelenting certainty. A certainty that came as a blessing now in the form of solitude. A rest from the turbulent life that whisked so many away and left only those who pushed and shoved still standing.

I approached the edge, myself, a twisted wretch, feeling my way forward with curved, trembling toes. I had hoped to be composed, yet now, I felt as though my nerve had gone. It had already jumped. Long ago. I could be sure it was gone though, and now I was alone. Was I there to atone? I suppose I was, but not to the world just myself. To seek and give forgiveness for ruining what I was given by my parents, what I was given by the world, my loves. I had hoped for a sense of thrill but all I felt was fear. I was scared. Absolutely fucking terrified. And I had hoped to of been assured. But I wasn't. Is anyone sure when they get to this point? I ask myself but I know the answer is probably no. Still, I feel as if I have a kind of pre-emptive regret about this. A kind of fear that maybe it wasn't for the best, maybe I shouldn't have jumped. Yet with that pre-emptive regret came a subconcious assertian that I was already dead. People told me day after day my life could be so simple if I wanted it to be. Maybe I didn't? I know Ben didn't. Maybe I was the same.

I reminisced a few happy memories, too few too give credit too, and put a foot out. It felt strange. My body was shocked despite that it was my decision to do it, it seemed my body hadn't been expecting me to really do it. But I had, and I fell forward, much more rapidly than I had expected. I reminisced some more, but the wind was burning on my face. It was as if nature was trying to prevent me from regret, interupt my memories with more pain so I couldn't think what ifs. It demanded I shouldn't be afraid. Though, in truth I was, absolutely fucking terrified.