Chloe powers down the duke's self navigation and docking system. She gives it a satisfied nod and skips down the hall to meet the rest of the harlots. The duke has recently went through it's third renovation since being under the stewardship of the Hess clan. it still looks like early 60's las Vegas,but the neon lights actually function now.

She meets up with the Nina and Erica.they are waiting for the cargo ramp to lower. Chloe sneaks up and slaps them both on the ass simultaneously.

Chloe: morning,bitches!
Nina:*squeaks in surprise and slaps chloe's butt in return.*

Erica: oooh,do it harder. But with a vibrator.

Chloe: ew. I'm trying to be cute and you have to turn it into some dark carnival of the soul.

Erica: I hardly think a little toy action among friends is....well whatever high school goth term you just used.

Nina: do I have to get a water hose after you two? Because I will. Don't you forget it,loves.

Erica and Chloe: no thanks. We're wet enough.

Nina: eww and here I smacked your bum. I think I need some sanitizer.

The ladies step off the ramp and start walking the streets of San Francisco. Its sunny, but still rather cold.


Erica: where are we going anyway? Its freezing and you know how I feel about yuppies and hippies.

Nina: but you blend in so well With them,love. Think we could catch a Dave Matthews show while we are here?

Erica: fuck you! I borrowed this out fit from you.

Chloe: besides,I don't think they are touring out here.

Erica: how do you even know that?!

Nina: I withdraw my smacking of your bum and trade it for your face. * Nina then slightly. Slaps Chloe.*

Chloe: ow! Its cold so that hurt!

Erica: not as much as you've hurt our hearts. Answer the question,Chloe.


Chloe: fine! The guy I buy weed from solely deals out of Dave Matthews band tour parking lots!

Erica: *begins spitting and putting hand sanitizer on her tongue*

Nina:* instantly dumps her purse on the ground.she kicks around the contents until she finds her id and credit card.* fuck the rest,love. It touched the tainted weed. I'll get New cash


Chloe: it's not that big a deal! *Chloe bends down to pick up the money that Nina discarded.*

nina: * steps on chloe's hand with her heel* if you value your hand,you'll let it go. That money is not for the likes of us. Not anymore.

Erica: how could you,Chloe?! Don't you know that weed absorbs jam band rays like a fucking sponge?! We're lucky we aren't playing hackey sack right now!

Nina: my parents saw a grateful dead show in 1970...look how they turned out. I won't have it happen to us,love.I won't.

Chloe: that's well and good...but can I please have my hand back?

Erica: I don't know if you deserve hand privileges.you're playing with fire and almost took us all with you.

Nina: you better throw all that shit away when we get back to the ship.* slowly releases chloe's hand*

Chloe: it was five thousand dollars!!!

Erica: yeah.in Dave Matthews band money. That's like a quarter in real people money.

Chloe: I don't that's how it works.

Erica: that's how your mom doesn't work!

Nina: be gone,Chloe. You've got weed to destroy and we've got places to go.

Chloe: fine...I didn't want to go anyway. It sucks out here. *leaves*

Nina: and don't smoke it!

Vara took the umbrella and turned to walk down the street. " thanks" she said as soon as her back was turned. Mentally adding bitch to the end of that one word sentence. Vara walked slowly down the street,not even bothering to avoid walking in puddles. Her shoes were already ruined,what was the point in trying to save them? The street seemed deserted and far darker than it should be. Osaka was safe,right? At least safe enough that a lone woman can walk down a street at 3 am,right? The further Vara got from Erica's gate, the more frightened she became. Only Mariko and Erica knew she was here. If she was murdered,would Erica or mariko report her missing? Vara walked a little faster,clinging onto the umbrella . she swore that her echoing footsteps belonged to someone else. Rationally,she knew this was unlikely. a quick glance over her shoulder confirmed that. But with the rollercoaster her emotions were on made it seem very possible . finally she dropped the umbrella and started to run at full tilt. She could see the silhouette of someone standing in a lit doorway. Vara redoubled her efforts to escape her fear.

Mariko absent mindedly let her hand lower the phone. Hearing hitomi tell her thAt Vara was here.here in Japan and wanting to see her....it Made her want to vomit. It was such a whirlwind of emotion,the feeling of wanting to vomit was all Mariko could think of. Didn't Mariko make it clear enough when she didn't return Vara's calls? Vera left her. Not the other way around.whatever could she want to discuss? Hitomi asked if she wanted her to send Vara away. But Mariko's lust for vengeAnce welled up. Now She wanted to speak to Vara face to face. She wanted Vara to see she was no longer needed. Mariko was just fine without her and wasn't the timid rabbit she once was. Being with Vara had been vital to Mariko getting her confidence back . being without her had made Mariko find her self worth. She gently opened the door and casually leaned against the door frame. The smell of rain was something Mariko loved. Even with all the concrete,it still managed to cArry a hint of grass scent. If it wasn't so cold,MAriko would have had her Windows open. She would loved to have her house smell like that. She was so lost in her thoughts of rain and how it smelled,she didn't notice that Vara had ran up to her.

"Thank god. I think ..I think someone ..was after me." Vara pants as she catches her breath. Vara wasn't in bad shape,but she wasn't expecting a late night run,either. She bends over,putting her hands on her knees. It seemed counter productive to catching her breath,but it felt better on her stomach. Before setting off on her adventure,she had had quite a heavy dinner.it was horrible,but filled her up. The Japanese take on veal parmesan was less than stellar. But...it did weigh like a ton of bricks.

" in this neighborhood? I seriously doubt it." Mariko said flatly. It was surreal to see Vara standing,well doubled over in front of her. It was like seeing Mickey mouse,but it wasn't a Man in a suit. It was an actual humanoid mouse. Soon though, mariko's anger overwhelmed the shock of seeing Vara. " where did you go?" Mariko shouts at Vara, her hands clenched at her sides. Her voice carries so much that lights start coming on in the neighboring houses. mariko didnt care. let the whole world see. she had loved and trusted this woman. this woman who seemed to have just dropped her like a bad habit.

Vara jumps when Mariko shouts. It was some thing she obviously thought would happen.but expectations and reality rarely cross. "mariko,can we please go inside? its wet out here and i really dont want your neighbors knowing our business." vara says evenly,motioning inside. she really didnt want mariko to be seen as "that woman with the drama" by her neighbors. no matter what happened between them. loud neighbors who fight are rarely forgotten and always made fun of.

"there is no "our" buisness! there is just "your" bullshit!" mariko hisses.even as livid as she was,she had to admit vara had a point. her neighbors were long in bed by now and police being called would just look really bad. like those tvs shows in america with the cops. "fine." mariko snaps,stepping aside for vara to enter her house. "take off your shoes and try not to drip all over everything."

vara couldnt help but raise an eyebrow at mariko. when she first met mariko,she was quiet and shy. at least to vara. the more she got to know mariko,she learned this wasnt exactly the case. she just needed a little coaxing to come out of her shell. now,vara would almost have liked to put mariko back in the shell. long before there was any sort of relationship between the two of them,mariko was her friend. her closest friend actually. this who who vara needed now. not the spurned lover mariko. vara wasnt going to fight mariko. she had done mariko wrong and knew it. it would be stupid to put up a fight about it. so vara timidly stepped into mariko's house after removing her shoes. the house was relatively small. it was very tall,at three stories,but not very deep. but it was tastefully decorated and exactly what one expected when thinking of modern japan. a far cry from the cold and empty house mariko once lived in. aside from peaches and liquor,there wasnt any food in her old house. "may i?" vara asks before motioning to the sofa. she could tell mariko was very territorial over the house.


mariko narrowed her eyes at vara. she didnt want to have her wet ass on the nice furniture. " bathroom is 2 doors down. i have a fresh robe in there. its fuffy and warm." mariko tells vara with slightly less attitude. who knows what vara had to say,or why she was here. but mariko warmed a little bit to the idea of treating her like a human. there was nothing the woman could say that would make her forget that she had just dropped off the face of the earth for months. mariko sat on a pillow on the floor . it was a very comfy pillow that was far better than any chair she owned. it could just be how mariko was raised. she enjoyed sitting the floor far more than on furniture. sadly,most floors were not clean enough for her to do this.

vara followed mariko's directions and stepped into the tiny bathroom. it smelled of something mixed with cucumbers. lilac? vara let her eyes scan the room. it was mostly white with black sinks and toilet. vara assumed the bathtub or shower was in some other room. because there was none here. which kind of made it odd that there would be a robe in here. vara let the straps of her dress fall off her shoulders and soon the dress was on the floor. looking at herself in the mirror,hitomi was right. she did look like hell. her hair was kind of frizzy,yet plastered to her head. ugh. vara took off and crumpled her underthings up in her dress and put the whole business in the sink. she would ask about laundry facitlites later. the robe she found was fluffy. putting it on,vara almost moaned at the pleasure of it. she had been so cold,it was like slipping into hot jello. before wrapping it around her,she held the neck area to her face. it smelled like mariko. a smell she had missed so badly. she was keeping this robe. fuck whatever happens. being slightly shorter and less...blessed in the hips and bust area,this robe ended up being very...scant. "jesus" vara complains while looking in the mirror. any other time,she would have loved to have had this on. "um...mariko? do you have a blanket? your robe doesnt fit so well." vara winces. she really didnt want to have to ask more of mariko than she had to. but she didnt want to look like she was trying to seduce her ex either.


mariko taps her foot at how long vara is taking. she wanted to get this over and done with. she hated the idea of vara in her house. this was her sanctuary. nothing was supposed to upset her here. yet something was upsetting her and it was putting on her robe right now. and probably rummaging through her medicine cabinet.mariko hears vara's call for a blanket so she gets one out of a closet. it was a heavy,yet very warm one. it was actually mariko's favorite. she used it for when she was napping on the sofa or to wrap up in after a shower. she folded it neatly and placed it on the sofa. she couldnt help but notice how small her sofa was compared to the one they had in italy. the one in italy could seat like 6 people and nearly swallowed people up. this one was lucky to fit three and was very low to the ground. " ok,vara. there is a blanket out here." mariko calls to vara. feeling they were going to need it,mariko takes out a bottle of jack daniels for them. she places it and two glasses on the table. she had no idea where vara and been or if she wanted to drink after her. the more mariko thought about it,but more her heart sank. there had to be someone else. someone else that vara was enthralled by and left her for. things were going so well and POOF! vara just left her.

vara comes out of the bathroom and nearly dives into the blanket. never before had vara ever felt conscious about her body. if anything,it was rare for her NOT To show it off. it was a strange feeling indeed. she put the blanket around her and settled into the sofa.it could be a very long night indeed. her eyes linger on the bottle in front of her. she would have loved to have had a drink right now,but she wanted this conversation to be as sober as it could be. vara was silent for a few seconds,pondering how to start,what would be the easiest way to say what she had to say. "mariko. i know you are probably hate me and im not going to say you dont have the right. but..try to understand. i couldnt take you with me,or even tell you where i was going. " vara starts. she knew it sounded horrible,but maybe it would get better as she let it all out. "i had gotten word that trent was a around-"

mariko's eyes,which previously were looking everywhere but vara,suddenly locked on to her. the mention of trent's name sank mariko's heart. trent was vara's ex boyfriend. a boyfriend she loved very much.a boy friend who mariko had assumed vara was going to be with forever. but several years ago,trent had up and left vara. during this time mariko had either been with envy or nina. so it wasnt like vara went right to mariko after the relationship dissolved. mariko had felt special. she felt like she had been wanted vara had wanted. not what she was settling for because trent left her. " you fucking..fucking fuck" mariko yells accusingly,jumping to her feet. she wanted vara gone and gone now.she was so furious,she couldnt even think of what she wanted to call vara.

vara stood up too,not caring how short the robe was. "mariko. would you let me finish! its not what you think. thats not why i left to try and find him. calm your tits and sit down." vara hated having to get stern with mariko,but it was really the only way she would be able to tell what she needed to say. " i was told he was in canada again. i had to see him. i wanted answers. i had to know why he just left me. i wanted him to know how he hurt me and what he left. could i just be like,hey mariko? you wanna go see my ex? no. that would be absurd." vara said while pacing around. her thoughts seemed to flow better when she was standing. plus the motion of walking helped burn off some of the energy she had.

mariko wasnt going to sit down just because vara told her to. she looked around for something to grab. if she clenched her fist any harder,her nails would cut into her palm. she couldnt find anything that wasnt something she could live with breaking,so she settled on standing on the pillow. mariko shook her head at was possibly the stupidest thing she had ever heard. "you could have fucking asked me! but no. you went and did the same thing to me,that trent did to you! all you had to do was tell me. i would have at least tried to understand.you didnt give me that chance." mariko says,gradually losing the fire she had inside her. she wasnt angry anymore. she was hurt.

vara knew mariko was right. she had done the exact same thing trent had done. but in her mind,it wasnt going to be for months,it was just supposed to be a day trip. " i wasnt supposed to be gone that long. i went to one town he was supposed to be in,but wasnt. that lead me to another town and before i knew it.months had passed." vara said in exhaustion,as if all those months of searching had finally caught up with her. "i was obsessed with revenge. im sorry. i just couldnt help it." vara said pathetically. she knew that mariko knew her well and would probably understand. thats just how vara could be. if she didnt like someone,she wanted them to KNOW she didnt like them. in the end,she never found trent. just some guys that were using the shadowmachine name. most likely illegally. she didnt recognize any of them and none of them knew where to find trent.

mariko crosses her arms. she had really heard enough." well, i hope it was worth it." mariko bitterly says,gesturing towards the door. she could figure out the rest. vara obviously didnt find trent,so she came crawling back here. she always knew that vara still held on to something for trent. things in italy had been too good to be true. "i probably could have saved you a trip to japan,if i checked the messages you left." she says with an indifferent shrug. vara knew how mariko felt when people ignored her,yet she treated her just like everyone else did.

vara pursed her lips. she hated spilling her stupidest mistake to anyone. much less someone who then rejects her afterwards. she starts to leave but stops before reaching the door. she travelled all the way to japan. dealt with a cruddy cab,mariko's sister,gotten rained on....there was no way she was going down without a fight. "yes. it was stupid. i know i really hurt you. i had my pride and couldnt tell you what was going on.i couldnt tell anyone i was going to try and find an ex ,and ask why he did what he did . why can everyone give you a second chance,but you wont give ME a second chance?" vara says softly. she knew she was bringing out the big guns for this one,and possibly playing dirty pool. but she loved mariko and knew that mariko loved her. she wasnt going to just fold and go home.


for a split second,mariko is livid. how dare vara bring up her past! mariko had a history of....well,being a terrible girlfriend,asking for a second chance and fucking it up. she hsd done it at least 3 times.her worst being what she had done to nina tarantino. whom mariko was still on pretty good terms with. but yeah. mariko had fucked nina over badly. with vara of all people,and on tv. there were still times when mariko would sit and shake her head at what she had done to nina. nina deserved better than that. she was a good person and really saw the best in mariko. even when mariko was at her most horrible. honestly,mariko probably did play a part in emerald black killing herself. she knew she was stealing nina away from her and saw it as less competition when emerald died. she really couldnt combat what vara had just said. But she couldn't forgive. If she forgave Vara,that meant Vara won. She would know this and continue to want forgiveness. She forgave her ex husband the first time he struck her...and it just got worse. It never ended. She was not going to be anyone's victim again.
"No." Mariko says bitterly.

"No?" Vara asks in surprise. It may have been egotistical,but she fully expected Mariko to cave." how can you just say no like that?! The times we had in prato was the happiest I've ever been. And from how it seemed,the happiest you had been. It was perfect." Vara pleads. It was rare that Vara would nearly beg for anything. Seldom did anyone have some thing she wanted,or that She couldn't easily get from them. She knew how Mariko could be when someone disappointed her. They simply ceased to exist to her.but Vara thought she was different,that she was special.


"How can I say that? How can you ask that is a better question." Mariko sneers. " much less bring up the past. No. I know how this works. You dangle the good times in front of my face,I forgive you and hope those times come back,then you just do it again." Mariko says while clenching her eyes shut. She felt she would burst into tears if she had to look at Vara.

Vara could tell that apologies were not going to work with Mariko,at least not now. She was paying for someone else's mistakes as well. Mariko could be exceptionally hard, but was very brittle. The slightest little crack in her exterior persona,and it all came crashing down. " you're right Mari. I'm sorry.I wasn't trying to bribe you or anything. So what do you want us to do?" Vara asked softly. She decided to change her tactics. Letting Mariko take control over things could be the best way to go about this. Vara had learned quickly that Mariko hated feeling like she was being managed or steered in any direction.it would instantly take her back to the days she fought to forget.She knew there was still some thing inside Mariko that cared for her. If she didn't,Mariko wouldn't have allowed her to be here.

Mariko moved her mouth to the side. This was New. No one had really ever asked her how she wanted to solve a disagreement. She felt her body become less tense and her breathing slow. "Well...um..I want to live here in Japan." Mariko starts.she had really started to like living here since moving back. She also figured there was no way Vara would agree to it.

Vara gave the slightest hint of a smile. She knew Her Mariko. All she needed was a tiny chance.nobody got a second chance from Mariko,so Vara knew she was in territory that hadn't been used in a long time. " done." Vara said simply at the request to live in Japan. She could deal without the constant tension between her sisters and Mariko. They pretty much hated each other. And Osaka could be pretty ,with the right company.Vara felt like things could be normal again. There was most likely lots of eggshell walking in her future,but it was better than the alternative.


Mariko was taken aback when Vara so readily agreed. She was expecting some sort of resistance. Vara loved her home country. Osaka was probably seen a big step down. Especially mariko's house.it was tiny by comparison and not near as lavish. "We TALK about things,everything. Nothing is to be off limits. I would rather know the truth about how you feel than having to guess." Mariko says softly while looking outside . the Sun was already coming up and the street lamps were shutting off. So many of mariko's problems with relationships could be solved by talking. This went for both parties in the relationship. She and Nina have a good laugh about it now. But it's truly what was the downfAll of their relationship.

Vara nodded. It was stupid to run off and leave Mariko.but she had to know about Trent. Her want of answers had become all consuming. " yes. I was really afraid you would try to talk me out of it." Vara admits.

Mariko lets out a small laugh. " you didn't want me for back up?" she had been very disappointed in Trent,and wanted to know why he did what he did. Vara was her friend before she was her girlfriend. She felt like she deserved answers too. "I'm tired and I'm sure you are too. Let's talk about this later." Mariko yawns while stretching.

Until Mariko mentioned it,Vara didn't realise It was now daylight. She was so intent on Mariko,she didn't realize she had been awake for near 30 hours." good idea. Jet lag is kicking my ass." Vara says in a tone that hints that she has no where to go. Vara sits back down on the couch. Which now feels like a cloud to her aching body.

" I'll get you a pillow from upstairs.the couch folds out." Mariko says tiredly. She was willing to give Vara a chance. Not pretend like nothing had happened. Mariko started the walk up stairs to her room. If anyone had told her this Is how her day was going to go ,she would have laughed in their face. Mariko enters her bedroom and looks at her pillows. She wasn't sure which one she wanted to part with.even for a few hours.

Vara stood in mariko's living room for a few moments after she left.that was close. She really had thought that Mariko wasn't going to take her back. Vara had no idea what she would have done then. Mariko was all she had in life,really. For better or worse,Vara expressed herself physically. She untied her robe and walked up the stairs too. She quietly walked into the room where Mariko was Apperantly really intent on keeping the best pillow for herself. Vara comes to stand behind Mariko and kisses her on the neck.

The contact of lips on her neck startles Mariko. She looks over to see a familiar head of black hair. Soon the pair of hands cup her chest. " I know what you're doing Vara." Mariko says quietly,still not Letting go of the pillow she is bolding .

Vara knew she was taking a chance by trying this with Mariko.Mariko knew how Vara could be . one of the first times they really interacted was a three some with Trent. Vara wanted to show her gratitude towards Mariko,so she had made the offer . now was similar. But Vara wanted Mariko to know how she missed her,how sorry she was,how grateful she was for this chance. Mere words weren't going to suffice as far as Vara was concerned . " then shut up and let me do it " ,Vara whispers in mariko's ear.

" this doesn't mean we are back together"

Being aboard the Duke is fucking fantabulous. That may not be the kind of thing You wish to say aloud. As people may get the idea you're talking about John Wayne. John Wayne always struck me as a selfish lover that I certainly wouldn't want to be aboard. Yeah,i know not wanting to fuck the Duke is like saying you won't fuck America. Im sorry,if im fucking any america. It's going to be america Ferrara. Hey,i had to look for some saving grace in the sisterhood of the traveling pants. Travel over this way,am I right?

With life being as it is,i needed a break. Open water and salty spray im my face. I'm talking ocean voyage and not pirate porn. Not that life was getting bad,but I like a good buffer zone between myself and reality. Punching up the coordinates for Elvis' secret island in the Bermuda triangle. The duke's autopilot computer seemed modern enough. Given the sleek keyboard and flat screen, but the real computer power was in the very bottom of the ship. It has about 30 UNIVAC computers Surrounding an old commodore 64. The UNIVAC units are useless,but help balance the ship. I've also pilfered all their vacuum tubes for my amps over the years. Much like grand theft auto and the taxis ,i can either take the normal speed,quick speed,or instant travel.i choose instant today. It's nice to really get out there and put the Duke through its paces. Plus,it helps blow the carbon out of the engines. The Duke IS a high performance cruise ship after all. Putting about just dirties the engine internals.
Instantly traveling thousands of miles is quite a rush. It flaps your dick against your balls at phenomenal frequency. I have theories that if you could slow the sound of this down,its the collected work of Lovecraft in Morse code. But I don't want to be a weirdo and record it,so the world may never know.

In a blink,i was at Elvis island. Balls in pain and probably bruised. Elvis island is a sight to behold,the entire place has sand that is comprised of tiny rhinestones. There is a dense jungle surrounding a replica of grace land....which Since Elvis lives here,maybe the one in Tennessee is the replica.i hop out onto the beach and stride toward the King's front door. The rhinestone sand crunches underfoot to the tune of "suspicious minds". The sand determines which is your favorite Elvis song and make that sound. Rumors persist that if you don't like Elvis songs,the sand swallows you up and you are reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator. All will love Elvis,like it or not. I am suspicious ...ha ha. Suspicious. When I reach the front door,its swinging open in the tropical breeze. The smell of peanut butter is gently carried on the breeze.
" Elvis!" I call out,cupping my hands to my mouth. " Elvis! It's your ol pal,stinky whizzleteat. Im here to teach your grandmother to suck eggs." I follow up. Elvis loved the Ren and stimpy show..so it was our greeting to eatch other. Plus,it alerted him in case he had Marilyn Monroe over again. Walking in on them was very awkward. Mainly because I didn't leave and tried taking notes. Elvis was a bastard and tore up mu notebook. Marilyn was super creeped out and banned me from pinup island. So no afterlife romps with Betty page, Mamie van doren, or Jayne Mansfield for me.

" Get in here,you fucking jerk." I hear Elvis' voice weakly sound from inside the house. " I've fallen and i can't get up!" Which of course sends me into laugher. I know it's Elvis and he's hurt,but......c'mon. that shits funny.

I make way into the house and notice something is off...it's slightly more tacky.there is a lot more gold trim on things. There is less pink and black and more orange and brown. "Elvis! Where are you?" I yell Panicked. This was my closest supernatural friend. I don't know what I'd do if he was injured.

" Upstairs,hurry!" Elvis screams. There is real fear in his voice,so I run. Which becomes increasingly difficult the further I climb the stairs. The carpet goes from normal to foot deep shag before I am to the top. The deep carpet is hard to walk in. In short order,i smell smoke. Is Elvis spontaneously combusting?! I now rush as fast as I can. The shag carpet is now starting to crackle with electricity. Just what the fuck is going on here? I didn't sign up for weirdness when I dropped that acid this morning. It's like the laws of physics are being renewed and I'm the waitress named Tammy. The friction of shoes on carpet finally sets mh shoes on fire. I can't see through the smoke and carpet,but I feel the flames licking my knees. The crackle of electricity has become deafening. The burning shoes are the least of my worries.... the friction has also caused static electricity build up. This is bad. Im going to get struck by lightning and shit myself. Possibly even the walls too. Who knows the force of which lightning exits the human colon? The shag carpeting is now waist deep. I'm stuck like a snow plow. With one final burst of strength,i leap.
I leap like I've never lept before. Little jack horner hasn't got shit on me. I sail through the air,the shag carpet now nearly reaches for me with fuzzy tentacles. This frightens me greatly. Years of dating erica has taught me exactly where those tentacles go and why I should fear them.i close my eyes, expecting the worst when I land.

But I land safely in a bathroom. safely being relative. i'm staring face to face with the unclothed groin of elvis. "holy hell,man! you could have warned me i'd be so close to the little king!" i yell,rolling over. its not the first bare penis i've seen,and probably wont be the last. i never knew elvis was European,i hear uncircumcised is all the rage there. im not sure as to why,it just looks weird and cumbersome to me. who wants to wear a turtleneck several sizes too large? not me. give me streamlined any day of the week.

"quit bullshitting and help me up!" elvis creeches. he was lying there naked on the bathroom floor. the bathroom was normal bathoomish,aside from a carpeted floor and nothing on the counter. what kind of howard hughes weirdo doesnt keep all sorts of things on the counter? i know mine has a razor,toothpaste,light,bong,soap,spare roll of tp...you know,the essentials. his? nothing. its a shock to see my patron saint this way. to most people,seeing elvis alive and in the flesh would be startling,but not for me.i've met him several times. but this time,it's the 70's elvis. portly,bloated and a near parody of himself. when elvis appears to me,its always the sleek and sexy 50's one. i honestly do not know what to do.

"elvis! jesus christ,what happened to you?! your hair...its...its not greasy!" i stammer,running my fingers through his hair. this is horrible. usually you cant run fingers through a greasers hair without some effort and much residue on your hands. my hands emerge from his hair....bone dry. i dont know what what i should do. for a brief second,i feel a wrenching in my very being. but it was a good waffle breakfast,and i dont wish to lose. i clamp my mouth shut and will the food back into my stomach.

"erich...erich..." elvis weakly says with his tongue lolling to the side of his mouth. " people dont believe in me in anymore. they think i am dead...and that god damned michael jackson stole my thunder. first he marries my daughter and then has the nerve to die! people think he is still alive instead of me." elvis pleads. its heart breaking to see the king of rock and roll this way. i know he is still alive and not this...this...person i see in front of me. he is immortal,shaking his god damned pelvis like his dick was on fire. thats the elvis i know and i love.

i lean down and grab his face with both hands. "as you as my witness,elvis. i will MAKE the world believe you are the true meaning of christmas! i will make them believe so fucking hard that blood comes out their collective noses.this isnt right,elvis. i know...i know." its all i can do to keep my wits about me and not bawl like a baby.i glance of my shoulder at the the forest of shag carpeting and static electricity. i will brave that again for my lord and savior. its the least i can do.

It'd been a few days since anyone heard from Erich. As his unofficial caretaker,it was up to karoliena to find him. Atomic war bride had a show coming up,so it was imperative he be found.Her first guess was with Selene cassadine. But that was a bust. She and Erich didn't really have the sort of close relationship normal people have. They'd go weeks without checking in on each other. It was weird,but it worked for them. Karoliena checked with Erica next. This was possibly the worst place for Erich to be. Erich and Erica weren't so much yin and yang,but more like yin and yin. The two usually encouraged each other's self destructive tendencies. But nope. Erica was with Gretchen in the mountains of Austria. So karoliena tracked down the GPS of the Duke of Winchester. The ship was currently sitting in the middle of the Baltic sea. In short order,karoliena had hired a helicopter and was soon standing on the deck.

It's amazing what 4 years of disregard could do to an object. At one time,Erich had the entire ship repainted and restored. But now I was looking worse than ever. Karoliena made her way to the bow,kicking the empty bottles of various liquors out of her way. The bow was always erichs favorite spot,so she knew she would find him there. Which he was. Looking worse for wear than she'd seen him in a long time. He was unshaven, shirtless and probably hadn't changed his pants in days.

Karoliena: you're a hard man to find.

Erich: it's not proper for a married woman to be around a hard man.


Karoliena: please. We both know I'd bend you over that railing before you knew what was happening. *Laughs*


Erich: probably. You've bested the infamous Cassie Summers. What's an Erich Hess in comparison? * Crushes some pills and snorts it off the arm of the deck chair he's sitting on.* Seems anyone can best me these days.

Karoliena: you aren't that old yet.

Erich: I don't know. The king sounds like he's calling me home. *Snorts more of whatever he's been snorting all day*

Karoliena: it's only 2017. You have 60 .more years. Quit being dramatic.

Erich tuns towards karoliena and offers her some of his pills. The arm he extends is misshapen and probably very painful without the copius amounts of Vicodin he is ingesting.

Erich: c'mon. Don't make me look like a druggie. Jojn me,there's no kids here to see.

Karoliena:* shrugs and takes a line or two.* Oh...this isn't coke. Anyways,you're going to make me ask,aren't you?

Erich: ask and thy shall receive. Unless the mail doesn't ship that day.

Karoliena: fine. Erich,what happened?

Erich: it doesn't really matter and I don't wish to elaborate.

Karoliena:* looking at things closer and it doesn't look good.its bruised a deep purple an green all the way into erichs chest area* well did you at least get it looked at?

Erich: fuck no. Nobody is seeing me like this . I'll vanish and become a gnome. Then I'll spend all day riding pugs and living in mushrooms. I'll also take tiny shits in everyone's leftovers.

Karoliena: Erich, seriously. It's going to turn gangrenous.

Erich: good. Let it fall off. I'll get a hook and be a god damned pirate gnome.

Karoliena: you're worse than eris. C'mon,im taking you to the doctor.

Erich: * jumping up and throwing his one good arm up in a fighting stance* the fuck you will. I'm staying right here for the rest of my life. After I'm dead,spread a story that I'm one eyed Willie from the Goonies.

Karoliena:* unimpressed,but laughs* don't be rediculous. As if you have a choice when I tell you to do something.

Erich: I'm not going and you can't make me. I'm sitting right here until the end. * Crosses his arms and gets settled in his chair*

Karoliena: *sighs* there is no dealing with you when you're like this. So... You got any drinks around this tub?

She knew something was up,but Erich wasn't talking. So she changed her approach. Getting Erich drunk makes his far more pliable...and honest. Karoliena was one of the few people who could out drink Erich. Her tolerance for most chemicals was far higher than most people. Not because of any reason other than sheer Will. Being sloppy drunk was unbecoming,and karoliena was always becoming.

The curtain fall and time passes. 35 hours to be exact. The pair had been knocking back absinthe and laudanum all day and night. Every time they felt drowsy,it was a few bumps of cocaine and off they'd go again. They had spent the time talking about past good times,past bad times. Everything but the issue at hand. Feeling Erich was appropriately drained,karoliena started to get to the bottom of this.

Erich: so that's when I booted the fuck out of that orange. I mean,like how dare it think it's a grapefruit, merely because it's bigger than normal?! Did John Holmes become a different species just because he had a big dick? No. No he did not. Mother fucker probably didn't even plant a victory garden during world war two. I don't get it,karoliena. It's like he wanted the axis to win. There waz....there was,.....Wait...what were we talking about?

Karoliena: so.you were telling me about your arm?

Erich: right. So like I was saying: next time I see that bastard? I'm fucking killing him.* Erich pulls a large revolver out of his pocket and places it on the table* I couldn't protect dustyn AND he made me look bad? I demand satisfaction. We're dueling like true southern gentlemen. But he'll have to provide his own gun. I'm not going let someone borrow one of my guns,just to kill them. 40 paces,then..*Erich picks up the pistol and fires it*

Karoliena: *nods along and doesn't flinch when Erich mentions murder. Erich attempting to settle things through duels wasn't exactly new. But he seemed far more serious this time. But it gave karoliena leverage to get him to a doctor* you have one arm. And not even your shooting arm. You simply cannot duel like that. Listen,I know a doctor. He's very discreet. We'll get you into dueling shape in no time.

Erich: my God...you're right! I can't hit the broadside of a barn like this! I need both arms. What if duel devolves into swords? I'm not fencing like a swim team reject! I'm dueling like a man.

Karoliena: we'll leave as soon as my helicopter arrives. So why were you and dustyn fighting someone? No offense,but dustyn doesn't exactly seem like someone who can fight.

Erich: Billy was being a god damned asshole. Like ,handle your liquor better,man. He was acting real brand new. Basically implying dusty was a....a.... whatever a male whore is..a more? I took exception to that. He pushed me,I popped him in the nose. He whacks me with a candleabra. Damn dusty for being slightly less fabulous than Liberace. Who has candelabras?!

Karoliena: we have like a hundred.

Erich: you live in a castle. Dusty has an apartment. So then Billy headbutts me in the fucking head.i come to and the mother fucker is crying because he beat the fuck out of dusty with the candle thing. Naturally Dusty's well being took precedent over revenge. So here I am.

Karoliena: so...how's Dusty?

Erich: stable. I guess. I phoned the ambulance but couldn't stay. Not a relative and all that.

Karoliena: that is.... something.

Erich: see? A duel is the only way to solve this.

Karoliena:* sighs and holds out her hand for Erich to hold.*

Erich: fuck you, you aren't talking me out of this.

Karoliena: take my hand. Don't make me kick your ass too.

Erich:* there were few people Erich wouldn't stand up to. Karoliena was all of those people. So Erich did as she said.* Fine. What?

Karoliena: Erich...I know you're hurt and ashamed.

Erich: it's not just that. If I wasn't a hot head, Dusty would be fine now.

Karoliena: I'm not one of the unwashed masses. I know you. I know the real you. You are anything but a hot head. If you swung on Billy,I'm sure he more than deserved it. Hell,I'm sure if it got out you punched Billy,you'd have free drinks for life at a lot of bars. Billy could have easily turned on dustyn even if you weren't there.

Erich: no . He knows how to handle Billy. I made it worse And Dusty paid for it. *He sighs heavily and takes another drink of absinthe straight from the bottle* I couldn't protect dusty. I couldn't even protect myself. How can I ever show my anywhere again?

Karoliena: Erich,the man is a fucking nut,everyone knows that. You did your best.

Erich: karoliena, I'm not one of your kids where you can make everything ok with a "you did your best." Dustyn is in a hospital because of me. My best wasn't near good enough. I'm god damned useless.

Karoliena: if you were one of my kids,you'd have sense and we wouldn't be having This conversation. Here's what's going to happen. We're going to a doctor. Then You're coming to stay with Cassie and I. We have a tower where you can mope to your self indulgent heart's content.

Erich, karoliena,and Cassie were sitting on a hotel bed playing cards. It was midday and they had a long time to wait until they had to get ready for their show tonight. By this time,they had seen and done everything in Branson. It wasn't worth going out ,so they sat inside and played cards.

Cassie: any twos?

Karoliena: go fish.

Cassie:* tossing the cards on the bed.* I hate go fish. We're fucking adults. Let's play a real card game.

Erich: I don't know anything else.

Cassie: I thought all men knew how to play poker.

Erich: oh,I know how to play-

Karoliena: *interrupting Erich * nope. Nobody needs that bad of a joke at 11am. Nobody

Cassie: well,I'm not playing strip go fish. I have standards.

Erich: I'm not playing that !

Cassie: oh fuck off,like either of us would tell on you.

There is a rapid knock on the door. The frequency and height of the knocks divulges the fact Erica is on the other side.

Karoliena: go away. No short bitches allowed... other than Cassie.

Cassie: fuck you.

Karoliena: I'm planning to.  *Karoliena's eyes light up and she hops off the bed, grabbing erichs arm.she tugs him to the door and shoves him outside.*  Hi Erica,bye Erica. Take this and be scarce for a couple hours. *Karoliena shoves a fistful of money at Erica, briefly hugs her and pops back in the room. The door locks can be heard locking.*

Erich: I have my own money,I'm not a god damned invalid! *Shouted at the door.*

Erica: I don't.  *She gleefully stuffs the money in her pockets.*

Erich: so what brings you here? Harlots annual clue game fall through?

Erica; nah, Nina's got tummy issues. I told her: "bitch,don't eat the seafood omelette from IHOP." But did she listen to me? Nooooooo. Looks like I'm vindicated as hell.

Erich: oh..it's not everyday you get to hear about the IHOP shits.

Erica: IHOP is great though.

Erich: no. It most certainly isn't. Waffle house. Now that is the affordable breakfast dining experience that makes men men.

Erica: but I'm not a ma-

Erich; not with that attitude,you aren't. C'mon. There's a bar in the lobby.

Erica: ew. That place looks like an old TV Western. I've seen less leather in bars catering to leather daddies.

They both start walking towards the elevator. Erich kicks the button. He doesn't want to touch the thing. It's much like touching the flush handle of a public toilet. It's gross.

Erich: wait...what have you been doing at a leather daddy bar?

Erica: Gretchen makes a surprising amount of deliveries to them. I was expecting waaaay more hot and lonely socialites with her line of work. But,nope. It's leather daddies.

Erich: hmm. Learn something new each day.

Erica:  yeah,the amount of large hot pants she's had to measure...the sack is always like resting on her hand. Ugh.

Erich: she must really go through the hand sanitizer.

Erica:like you wouldn't believe.

The elevator arrives and the two step inside. It's early morning so most other hotel dwellers are at the breakfast table. Our heroes are looking for strong drink and good times.Once inside, Erica hits the button for the lobby.

Erich: you would think karoliena would know better than to send us out,alone.

Erica: right? She does realize the likelihood of us being incarcerated before the day is out is.....well,it's pretty likely.

Erich; she gave us money.that means she condones whatever we get into.

Erica: you...um...got anything?

Erich: *digs in his pockets, producing 4 sheets of acid, several
peyote slices,and a bottle of ether from his jacket pocket.* You?

Erica:*nods her approval and does the same. She produces a comically large bag of weed,several packets of powder in several shades of white, and her own sheets of acid.*  WONDER TWINS,FORM OF CHAOS!

Erich and Erica rapidly race to ingest all the acid and peyote they can before the elevator doors open. They each end up with a massive dose of each drug. This was mk ultra levels of chemicals. they would either have the time of their lives.....or become the next unibombers.

The elevator opens into the lobby where several middle Americans are checking in or out. They had pasty skin,so one could see they never saw the sun. They all looked like extras from any 1980's summer camp movie. The bar was over to the right. Much like Erica's assessment,it did look very Western. Loads of plastic cow heads mounted on the wall. Orange walls with cowboy and saguaro silouttes everywhere. Erica and Erich take some cow printed stools and prepare for drinks and the inevitable start to their trip.

Bartender: she has to go. We can't serve her.

Erica: *pissed* oh really?! Why is that?  *She folds her arms and waits expectantly*

Bartender: you have to be 21 to drink. Even in wild Branson.

Erica:*instantly starts giggling* oh stop,you sweetie. *Erica slaps her ID on the counter* I've been over 21 for at least 6 years.

Bartender: 6?! More like-

Erica: *interrupting* I'll take a rum and coke.

The bartender nods and raises his eyebrows to erich.

Erich: make it two.

Bartender: *working on the drinks* a bit early to be drinking ,isn't it?

Erich: not for two rough and tumble people like us. Add two mojitos,my good man.

Erica:* looking at the flyers for shows in town* this jim Stafford show...it any good? Oh ,add 4 shots of tequila to this order.

Bartender: his humor can be a bit Racey. 

Erich: 4 beers, please. Stella,none of that Budweiser stuff. *also now eyeing the flyer* three dog night?!  I thought they were dead!

Bartender: no. They just perform like it.

Erica and Erich crack up laughing and start drinking their ample supply of drinks.

Erica: *reading* dolly Parton's Dixie land stampede? Dude,we have GOT to go.can you imagine the freaks that go to that thing!?

Erich: shit yeah, we need to get there as soon as this peaks. I dont want to miss a single moment. It'll be like riding inside the enema of America. And by God, we're riding that colon cleanse as far as it'll take us.

The bartender leaves soon after. The drinks are charged to their room,so there is no need to sit and listen to these two weirdos.

Erica: Dolly could still get it.

Erich: of course,we aren't Communists.

The next few hours are spent drinking and talking about the show schedule,life in general,and the proper care of pet weasels. It was then the drugs started to make their presence known,like a drunken brother in law at a bris.

Erica: ...so you want to really turn the music up for the weasels. They have tiny ears so that can't really absorb the sound all that well . Barry manilow is the champ's choice for maximum weasel growth.

Erich: then we'll dethrone the champ,by God. Hess brand weasels will become the premier choice for Mustela enthusiasts.

Erica: *wiping her brow* it's fucking sweltering in here. We need to get some air before we die.

Erich: I think the bartender is too scared to tell us to leave,so he just opened the top of the building to let the sun bake us.

Erica: convertible building? No doubt this was a Mormon open air brothel at one time. * Shakes her head sadly*

Erich: well ,the Osmonds spent a disproportionate amount of time here.

The pair slide off their stools and make their way to the door. The alcohol made the act hard enough. The hallucinogens kicked things up to ghost n goblins levels of difficulty by turning the patterned carpet into  a void of teeth and tentacles.

Erich: mind the gaping maw, it'll consume you as Soon as look at you.

Erica: *she starts throwing sticks of gum from her pocket to the floor* here,chew on this! I'm all stringy and don't freshen breath.

Erich and Erica awkwardly tip toe out the bar and into the lobby. they try to keep their feet on the white baseboard that frames the room. Even stone sober this would be akin to competing in Olympic gymnastics. So the pair look like idiots who occasionally jump on the walls..

Little kid walking with his mom to check-in: people still play "the floor is lava"?!

Kid's mom: shhh. They are probably foreigners with was different than our own .

Erich: * easily overhearing this* this isn't the junior chamber of commerce!

Erica and Erich make a leap of faith from the walls to a luggage cart. Miraculously,they both make it. The momentum causes the cart to lurch forward and roll towards the street.
The doorman dutifully opens the door so the cart can roll out .

Doorman: very good,sirs.

Erica: *throwing money at him* we're the best sirs!

Erich: very good. Keep them buttered up with tips. We'll have this whole damn town on the payroll by nights end .

Erica: then dolly will see we are the real movers and shakers around here. maybe we'll even be put in the Dixieland stampede. You,me,and a horse that does the high dive.

Erich: that act is too good for Branson. That is Vegas all the way.

Erica:*narrowing her eyes as the cart sloooooowly rolls pass some disinterested looking pensioners* that's right,you guys don't deserve our highdiving horse

Old guy: what? High diving whores? I saw the Ziegfeld Follies,I'll have you know . I've seen a whore or two in my time .

Erica:aww,I like him. Lasso him, Erich! We need a wise elder statesman on our team .

Erich: im on it! *Erich removes a shoe and fashions a tiny lasso with the lace . He throws it but it's far too small to reach it's target.* We're too far into bedrock. This lasso will never reach. God damn Barney rubble saw to that . *Erich shakes his fist at the sky in anger* fuck you, Barney!!!

The cart comes to an abrupt stop when the wheel strikes a pebble (hahahaha,get it. Bedrock? Pebble?) Erich and Erica are thrown from the luggage cart and into a small duck pond .

Erica:*screaming because the water is a surprise for her and she thinks she is drowning* I'M SORRY,MR RUBBLE! MY FRIEND KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. WITHDRAW YOUR NEPTUNIAN VENGEANCE, PLEASE......*she splashes madly in the water.

Erich:*spitting out duck flavored water that probably has flesh eating bacteria all in it.* That's why the show was called the Flintstones and not the rubbles. Barney is a son of a bitch.

The pair slip and slide trying to extract themselves from the small body of water....and the layer of slimy duck poop that has sank to the bottom.

Inside Walmart our heroes are dazzled by the sheer scope of good ol American commerce. Through their skewed perspective,the building looked to be miles wide and filled to the brim with Wal Martians. Each one more horrid than the next and each filled with the hunger for human flesh...at least in the hess' mind. In reality these were pretty normal people buying supplies for their vacations.

The motorized wheel chair chugged down an aisle. Either it was tremendously slow,or the battery was dying. As they moved through the store,erich put his hands to his eyes in the shape of binoculars.

Erich: captain,nothing to report from the starboard bow . Just frozen fish sticks and flip flops for toddlers.

Erica: they've probably hidden all the clothes. They want us to strip naked.

Erich: nothing doing, pals! * Shouted up at the security cameras.*

Erica: this thing doesn't steer worth shit. It's not cooperating with me at all!

Erich: dammit. conspiracy. Conspiracy at every turn! These sons of bitches are TRYING to hinder our progress.

Erica: *shouts into her phone* find clothes! Gps,find clothes!

As the cart rolls through the store,it keeps clipping the edges of displays and soon they're dragging an entire mannequin behind them. Erica notices this and freaks out.

Erica:FUCK! Naked and faceless CIA agents are latched on! They're coming for us,I'll be deported. You,you'll be executed at dawn! Abandon ship!!!

Erica dramatically leaps from the slow moving cart and rolls to safety. This actually looks very smooth and deliberate. The Olympic commission should come calling any day. Erich on the other hand remains in the cart,which has now slowed to a stop.

Erich: god damn rat bastards! They've disabled our transport..

Erica: GET OUT OF THERE,ITS GOING TO BLOW!!

Erica throws a volleyball that's still in it's packaging at Erich. The corner of the box catches him in the forehead and soon he is gushing blood.
But fortune has smiled on our two musicians. They were in the sporting goods section and were surrounded by all sorts of camoflauge clothing . Not noticing the blood pouring down his face,Erich just grabs arm fulls of clothing. They were tripping too hard to worry about something as trivial as sizing.

Erich:  I found this garb. we'll blend into the plethora of woodland creatures until this all blows over.

Erica:  *leans down to smell the clothing* this smells like store! There is no way we'll be able to blend in. The woodchucks will spot us and rat us out to the police.

Erich: that's horribly racist to say the woodchucks would "rat" us out. They have feelings,you know....do you taste blood? * Erich puts his hand go his head and sees the blood on it.

Erica: that Uber driver shot you!

Erich; I'll kill that son of a bitch! He didn't even give me the courtesy of a quick draw contest.

Erica: and to think we PAID him for that service?!

The two stumbled their way to the front of the store and gawk around. They could go the easy route and use the self checkout. It would avoid most human contact and get them through this quickly...but our heroes have a strong moral opposition to automation and the elimination of jobs for corporate profit. So they stand in line. Erich bleeding profusely and Erica staring at her hands and wiggling her fingers.

Erica: wow. Think how vile it is that I just have my fingers out like this. That'd be like you walking around with no pants.

Erich: we should have picked you up a pair of gloves.

Erica: gloves?! What am I?! A damned Nazi?? No normal person wears gloves.

The line moves quickly and nobody has paid Erich or erica much mind. They're in Walmart.  Weirdness was practically required just to enter the door. Several unruly kids are running around yelling,much to Erica's dismay.

Erica: someone should clothesline these little fuckers.

Erich: who? *He's rather oblivious to children. Much like playing fallout,they pretty much are just background decorations to him*

Erica: these kids. I swear if taki ever acted like this,I'd ...I dunno ...glare at her or something. She's pretty well behaved,so the subject has never came up.

Erich: I don't know. I kinda like the free spiritedness of kids yelling and not giving a fuck.

Erica: bleh. Ooh, we're next. Act normal. This man looks like he takes no shit.

Erica was right. The cashier looked miserable and rather lizard like. His thick square glasses were rather smudged,but he couldn't care less.

Cashier: this is a lot of camoflauge. You two going hunting? We sell licences in the back.

Erich: nah. We're avid pacifists. The wildlife out there would kill us and pick our bones clean within an hour.

Erica: we're part of Dolly Parton's Dixieland stampede. We play two trees in the finishing dance number. A quick change of plans left us without a proper costume.

Erich: oh yeah. Is this camo convincing enough to dogs? We kinda need a dog to pee on us. This is imperative. The whole god damn show pivots on this point. If the dog isn't convinced we are real trees....dolly will have our heads.

Erica: and not in the way you want dolly to have your head,either.

Cashier: *not really sure if he should take these two serious. Mainly because their pupils are the size of dinner plates and Erica keeps looking at the skylight in fear* um...I guess. The pattern is called realtree.

Erich: smashing. Ring us up,my good man. Adventure awaits.

The man rings Erica and Erich up. Erich doesn't trust himself to give the man anything resembling the proper amount of cash,plus he's scared to reach in his pockets. There could be duck shit in the bottoms. So he hands the man a credit card and soon Erica and Erich are on their way. They change into the camo clothes in the Walmart bathroom. There was no way the walmartians deserved to see their naked bodies. This change of clothes took near an hour. they tried to wash themselves off in the bathroom sinks. Through some artful arranging of their bodies,it eventually was done.

They both emerge simultaneously. Both looking rather insane. Erica had sense to put her hair up into a semi well done ponytail. Erich on the other hand...his once elegant pompadour now ran wild on his head. Looking much like a pre gray hair Rick.

Erica: ugh,I'm starting to feel a bit tired...a pick me up,Mr Hess?

Erich: *nods* yeah.i think that is exactly what we need

The cow slowly trots down the road with Erich and Erica on it's back. Tourists slow their cars down to take pictures while locals just drive by. A cow,with or without someone riding it,just isn't that impressive to them..

Erica: hold on,I'm shifting Susan in to high gear. *Erica scratches the cow behind the ear,which really seems to please the cow. So much so that it stops*

Erich:that farm guy is going to catch up with us! This is a horrible spot to have a cow break down.

Erica: she's not broken down! She's preparing herself for a burst of speed.

Erich: I don't think so. I think she is preparing to go to sleep.

Erica:*patting the cow's head softly* shhh,don't you listen to him,Susan. I know you are preparing the warp drive. It's like he's never watched Star trek or something.

Erich: ok,Susan. Engage warp drive! We have an escape to make and a dolly Parton to meet.

Suddenly the cow starts to walk again. The pair really have no control over the animal,it's really just aimlessly wandering around.. the cow ends up walking back to the farm where a Stern looking policeman is talking to the farmer.

Erica:*aghast* Susan! You're a narc?!? I can't believe you! After everything we've been through? After Erich did...that to you?! You're just going to turn us in like that?!

Erich:  Susan...I'm having a big ass steak tonight and I'm naming it after you!

As if the cow could understand what Erich was saying,the cow starts running. The bouncing of the animal nearly throws Erica and Erich off,but they cling on tightly.

Erica: lean down like motorcycle people do! We can't afford the wind resistance.

Erich tucks his head behind Erica's and notices the cop car following them.

Erich: oh shit,run Susan,run!!!!!

Erica: if we could just get up to 88mph...

Erich: dammit,why didn't either of us think to put a carrot on a stick?

Erica: carrots are nasty. Would you touch one?

Erich: good point.

The police car catches up to the cow in no time. The cop rolls his window down and points to the side of the road.

Cop: pull the cow to the side of the road immediately.

Erica and Erich glance at each other and silently ponder their options. The cow could possibly sprout rockets and fly away ,but the likelihood is very slim. Defeated,they stop the cow and get off. Briefly, they consider running for it,but they are too high and a taser to the ass doesn't sound fun.

Erich: all right, gumshoe. You got us. * Puts his hands up.*

Erica: *also puts her hands up* Bengoshi ga hoshī.

Cop: what's she saying?

Erich: I...really don't know. I don't speak Japanese.

Cop: so you guys have been running around all day and stole a cow...but you haven't been speaking? I find that hard to believe.

Erich: *shrugs* we manage.

Cop: * handcuffs them both and makes them sit on the curb* I'm placing you both under arrest for cattle rustling and beastiality.

Erica: beastiality?! The fuck?!

Erich: whoa whoa whoa. We were just riding on it's back.

Cop: the cow's owner reported hearing loud moaning coming from the area the cow was stolen from....and I thought she only spoke Japanese?

Erica: you'll be surprised how quickly you learn English when accused of beastiality.

Cop: we take a strong stand against such deviant behavior in this state. You two had better have a good lawyer.

Erich:* sighs* Jesus Christ. This is going to look fantastic on the news.

Erica: oh my God...the news.

Cop: before I search you,do you want to come clean with any illegal substances you may be carrying.

Erich and Erica glance at each other. They have enough drugs between them to ensure about twenty felonies. ....on top of the already crazy charges.

Erica: we get a phone call,right?

Erich:  you're going to need more evidence bags....trust me.

Curtain falls and time passes. Our heroes are sitting in the booking area and waiting to use their phone call. Erica goes first.


Erica:*calling Gretchen* c'mon c'mon ,pick up.

Gretchen: Yello. Summers time black and blues.

Erica: oh my God,it's you! Thank goodness. Listen,gretchie. I'm in jail in Missouri

Gretchen: um... why?

Erica: karoliena wanted to have sex,so she sent Erich and I out together.

Gretchen: alone?

Erica: yeah.

Gretchen: jeez. Even I know how bad that would turn out. How bad is it?

Erica: .... Bad.

Gretchen: hang tight . I'm coming . Don't become anyone's prison bitch...at least until I get there. *Laughs

Erica: oh I'm totally going to be your bitch. When you get me out of here,I'm going to tongue your as-

Erica is cut off when the officer Yanks the phone from her.

Officer: no phone sex! *Officer pulls erica to her feet and takes her away. Presumably to processing and the female section of the jail.*

Another officer: *hands Erich the phone* you're up... pervert.

Erich:*eyes the phone with contempt. He hates using phones because of evil robot overlords. He dials studio 60's legal department and patiently waits.*

Receptionist: studio 60 legal department.

Erich: hey. Erich and erica hess. Branson Missouri. 20 felonies. Mostly drug related. One count cattle rustling. One count...um...beastality. we took the cow for a joyride. That's it.

Receptionist: Mr Brown is leaving immediately. He'll be there in six hours. Try not to incriminate yourself further.

Erich: thanks a million.

Receptionist:Mr Brown is estimating a million and half. We'll shoot you the final invoice.

With that Erich is also taken away to be processed and locked away until Mr Brown arrives.
Rockstars don't go to jail. Of course Mr Brown frees them.

End.

Not worth starting a new topic for. So ita going here. The Duke only appears in Erich's heart for this part.


Erich arrived at the car dealership about 12 martinis in and ready for action. He was still feeling the effects of last night's fun and was floating somewhere between the planes of reality. Squashed like a bug in between a beer can and a tacky glass table. The dealership was typical and the sharks were circling. They could smell a mark a mile away.

Salesman: good morning. What can i do today to put you behind the wheel of this excellent Dodge ram. It's got and extended cab and-

Erich: *combative and interrupting*  hold on there,bucko. Are you trying to say i have a tiny penis? Because I will whip the fucker out right here and now.


Salesman:* clearing his throat* ok...what about this ford explor-

Erich: i look like a soccer mom to you? You trying to fuck me in the parking lot while little Dakota and skyler practice dribbling the ball? Lord knows we have the time because both kids are dumb as bricks. Their hand eye coordination is also way off because that time uncle James dropped them as babies but didn't tell anyone. Also,their father and i may be related. So there is that against them too. Thank god They are good looking kids. That's all the little bastards have going. Is that what kind of person you think you're dealing with?

Salesman: ok. Im done wasting my time with you. Go have a few more.

Erich: don't blow me off! Im not some dingbat who just got off the train from palookaville. I'm here to buy! And buy i shall!  *lifts his shirt to display a fannypack filled with cash*

Salesman: * eyes glaze over in greed and seeing a potential victim* oh ,Pardon me. Let's check out our Mercedes collection.

Erich: Mercedes? Im not a Nazi.

Salesman:  *sighs* well,we have a Bentley.

Erich: fuck no. I want something that will take a pounding. I'm buying something to abuse here. If a machine can't take it,it can't stay. I want a convertible Cadillac.

Salesman: sir, those haven't been made since the 1970s.

Erich: i must have a convertible for this trip,man. I need nothing blocking my head from the Lord. Those god damned cosmic rays must bounce off my skull . how else am I to link in to the great magnet?

Salesman: *looking around ,not wanting this easy money to get away From him*  convertible... convertible... We have several BMW's.

Erich: I've been fucked by a German before. I'm not looking for the experience in car form. I require something that screams baby boomer who reaped the best part of America and left everyone with the scraps.

Salesman: oh. Come this way. We have lots of corvettes to choose from.


Erich:* ponders this. The gears clearly turning in his head.*  can you throw in a mix cd of CCR,Jimmy buffet,and pink Floyd?

Salesman: ill do you one better, We have a whole heap of the cars soundtrack.

Erich: SOLD! But i still say lightning McQueen was a dick.

Salesman: let's talk extended warranty.

Erich: there Is no warranty in the world that's going to cover what's in this vehicle's future.


After much paperwork and dull formalities, Erich Hess was the proud owner of a brand new blue corvette.  Within minutes he was tearing down the road at excessive speed and tire wear. He slid the car sideways into a Denny's parking lot and hopped up on the trunk to use his phone. While he had no problem driving drunk and dealing with hallucinations, he didn't use the phone while driving. Driving was to be done for its own joy. Talking on the phone distracted from that joy. Erich spoke to previous few people on the phone.  So It was one of three people he was calling.

phone conversation
Erica: yellow.

Erich: you're on the mic with Mike.

Erica: what's up,Erich?

Erich: i need your company. I need to go across America and see If there is still good left. Manifest destiny of cool,you know. Stay at cheap hotels,eat greasy food with cowboys,copious amounts of drugs. High speed. High people. That sort of thing. I'm at Denny's. C'mon.

Erica: I'd love to! But I'm pregnant with Dustyn's love child. So It's like I am a nun over here. No fun at all. I can't even have coffee!!!

Erich: Jesus.

Erica:  nuns are Catholic. They're all about the Mary.

Erich: fuck yeah. Mary jane

Erica: oooooh, i miss that sooooooo much. Why not selene? Shouldn't she have been your first choice?! Oh my god,are you guys ok?! I'm too preggo to kick her ass now, but ill put her on my list after I pop this kid out.

Erich: this isn't her bag,Erica. She has no urge to sleep in dingy hotels or drink warm beer under the stars. How's the baby cooking going?

Erica: fucking terrible. I hate it. The experience,not the baby. He seems to be a decent tenant in my womb. His little ass is still being evicted soon.

Erich: he?

Erica: i don't really know.  But my mind says it's a boy. So hopefully that's what dustyn wants.

Erich: damn. First he fucks up by not taking care of the Billy thing...and now he's fucking up my journey? I swear, if dustyn wasnt my son....*laughs* shit...nina available?

Erica: the harlots are touring. So no.

Erich: is Karoliena around?

Erica: you aren't taking my nurse! She literally does everything for me. It's super cute actually.

Erich: everything?! Do go on. And be as descriptive as possible.

Erica: not when Cassie and Gretchen aren't around!

Erich: so Gretchen isn't available either? Shit. This could have been a real bonding moment for us. I assume she's cool, we've never hung out.

Erica: Mariko is here, she loves travelling.

Erich: *groans* mariko? She suuuuucks.

Mariko: I'm on speaker,you dick.

Erich: i thought we were talking about a different Mariko.

Mariko: really? How many other marikos do you know?

Erich: 3. One of them I knew in a biblical sense.

Mariko: that ....thing when we were 19 didn't count.

Erich: i know.

Erica: wait...what?!

Mariko: ill tell you later,hitomi. It's a funny story actually.

Erica: you'll tell me now! I was dating Erich at the time! Like,seriously. I find this shit out now?!

Mariko:oh it wasn't anything like that!! i may have been in your room trying on a sweater

Erich: in the dark...you two are sort of the same height and build..i may have touched Mariko's butt crack with my penis.

Mariko:  it scared me so much I jumped and elbowed Erich's nose.

Erica: oh my god..is THAT why i couldn't get you two in a room together for months?! I spent ages thinking you two didn't get along...wait...why were you wearing my sweater in the dark and without pants?

Mariko: yumi and i used to fuck in your room.a lot. My room was always too messy .

Erica: oh this is some bullshit.

Erich: thanks,erica. Now this trip is going to be awkward. I literally have no one else to join me and you made us remember THAT.

Erica: yumi...really? Really!? In my bed?! I hated her.

Mariko: i know. We read your diary .

Some angry yelling in Japanese is heard.the phone clatters to the floor and it's quiet for a while....then the yelling starts up again. The sisters argue more before calming and speaking in agreeable tones.

Mariko: meet me in LaGuardia in about 5 hours.

Erich:*groans* but I'm....you know what,beggars can't be choosers. See you then.

Mariko: later.

Erich: so what finally smoothed things over?

Erica: yumi ended up being a bitch we both hated.*sarcastically* Try not touching my sister's butt with your penis this trip,ok? She's like a foot shorter than selene. I know that can really be confusing.

Erich: *does a mocking stupid sounding laugh* it's not like she and Mariko ARE FUCKING TWINS OR SOMETHING.

Erica: we aren't twins and you know it.

Erich: now i do. I didn't back then.

Erica:*starts sobbing.* im sorry. It's just this pregnancy has me all screwed up. I feel so cut off from everyone. I can't go out. Ugh....i HATE it. I can't see my toes. I look fat as hell. But i have great tits...but I cant enjoy them because I'm too damned delicate. Erich, I desperately crave coffee.i hate coffee. But I crave it and can't have it because of the caffine. I just want to fucking god damn SCREAM!!! * long sigh* Fuck it. There is a cheesecake with my name on it in the fridge. I want souvenirs from every place you stop. And they had better be tacky.
*hangs up*



Erich: *shoves phone into his pocket.* get in there,you bastard. Ooh,grand slam breakfast special. Lemme see what that's about.

Erich strolls/staggers into the restaurant to kill a few hours before he has to race over to the airport to retrieve his future partner in crime. This had potential. Mariko was a wild child once she got started.

as was his way,erich had drifted off somewhere without a promise to return. he also seemed to have taken the car,or it was stolen. one of the two.who could really know? mariko did what any resourceful person would do: she dialed up the duke of winchester so it could come pick her up. sleepy little coastal towns did have their advantages and in mere hours the duke was waiting offshore for her. a chartered dinghy later and she was on board the ship. she sat sail for sorrento. it was a beautiful place that needed an eyesore such as a the duke.

in sorrento,mariko carried on her previous mission: day drinking. she sat on the lido deck with a bottle of wild turkey in one hand and an umbrella in the other. it was hot and all the awnings of the ship had blown away during the last storm.

mariko uncorked her bottle with a satisfying POP each time she needed a drink. she didnt want to leave it open as flys or worse could get in and that would be gross. she took another swig and contemplated putting some music on when she heard a voice. "son of a bitch." she hissed. "damned jehovah's witnesses just dont give up!" she sighs before staggering over to the rail to look down,ready to chuck the bottle at the person if need be. seeing vara,it took mariko back and she rubbed her eyes cartoonishly before coming to the conclusion that indeed vara gallo was looking up at her. too much time had passed for mariko to really be bitter about how they split. plus,in a very real sense that whole ordeal made mariko who she was today. " granted!" mariko squeaks and takes off running down the stairs of the ship,through the hallways and out to the door. she pushes the button and the stairs groan and eventually stretch out to the ground so vara can climb up them . "mind the gap." mariko says with a grin.