Erich Hess
Mondays with mike
Mike: howdy! Coming up after the interview,we're going to have a special feature....how to know if your goldfish is depressed. I know I've been wondering.
Erich: my first clue was the tiny noose tied to the sea monkey castle.
Mike: quiet you! I'm still monologing.
Erich: no,you aren't.
Mike: yes,I am!
Erich: nope. You're talking to me. Interview officially started. Fuck those depressed goldfish. They are probably pissed off because guppies get all the chicks. If this bowls a Rocking,right? *erich laughs*
Mike: depressed goldfish are nothing to joke about,sir.
Erich: oh....you were serious about that?! Wow....I really a b lister.
Mike: hey! This is the number one show in the" elderly shut ins who speak to fish " demographic.
Erich: talk about targeted programming...
Mike: *looking at his notes.* so it says here you are planning a tour soon?
Erich: I dunno. You tell me. You and your fancy "notes" and your fancy goldfish program.
Mike: um...I can't.
Erich: because you don't know,sir! Admit it,you do not know! Do you think I wrestled a fucking king cobra in a loin cloth....I was in the loin cloth,not the snake,just to have you spit on my face and call me corn pone? Not at all.
Mike:um...are you ok?
Erich: I am the archduke of slant,I can do what the lizard king can't. Ramses himself stopped beating his wife when I asked him to. My good man,I am better than all right . I've been filing in craters on the moon,why you ask? Because its fucking billions of years old,when are they going to fix it up? Fucking craters everywhere.
Mike: so....yes? No?
Erich: I am appalled! How could you ask such a thing?! You,sir,are filthy! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Mike: tour date? Anything ringing a hell here?
Erich: I will be at the Bowery ballroom next monday,but I'll make sure YOU aren't on the list. Your fancy goldfish might get bumped out of its bowl and stepped on. The. PETA comes down on me. Making me look like the worst thing since airborne aids. You think I need that shit?! I do not. My wife and I care deeply for animals,not enough to quit eating them. But it's their fault really,they shouldn't taste so good when cooked.
Mike: your...wife,Ada Von wannemaker?
Erich: I only have but one. This isn't ancient times,where a man has 3 wives and 32 concubines! If those wives back in the day,took care of things in the bedroom PROPERLY. There would be no need for multiple wives and concubines. I chalk this up to the blow job not being invented until 1973,during a Peter frampton concert. Of course,back then it was done as a sort of greeting. Gene Simmons blew Rodney dangerfield
At game 23 of the World Series,that's when it was discarded as a greeting and enlisted in the bedroom. How it made that transition,I don't know. I am but a Lowly musician.
Mike:ok... So ada gives good blow jobs?
Erich:*fumes for a second before waving a switchblade at mike* my Ada is a saint,you hear me? A fucking saint!
Jesus worships HER , got it? That monolith in 2001? A fucking tribute to Ada. Stonehenge? Spells out "Ada fucking rocks" in ancient Celtic. Why is Mona Lisa smiling? Because she foresaw Ada's existence. Al queda attacking New York? Jealousy over Ada not being in Saudi Arabia. You say her name with respect,god dammit!
Mike: ok ok. Ada doesn't give blow jobs. *erichs shoe hits like in the head.* ow! What the hell??
Erich: she does too! But quit talking about it! She's a saint!
* erich storms off*
Mike:ok...we learned that drugs ARE bad. Possibly an atomic war bride show next week. And Ada Von wannemaker is a saint..till next time folks.
