Bad Ass Bloggy
Hi! First of all...I wasn't going to put a picture at the top of this blog. Buuuuut we stopped for a soda on the way to the airport to pick up Hayden (I'm writing this in the car), and I saw this cute zebra! I had to buy him...his name is
Sidney and I wanted to show him to all you guys. He will be cuddling up to me tonight. lol :)
Anyway, on to the actual blog part of this. The reason why we're all here I guess. Or at least why I'm here :) I'll start with my news first. First up;
Pocket Rocket is out now. If you liked it at all, please request it on the Airplay Chart and I will hug you for like at least a week and half :). But yeah, it is out there on the airwaves now. Nervous to see how it does, and I hope people like it. If it doesn't chart well, then cést la vie, I can move on and make a new song right? It just feels so good to have that track out there now you know?
Second piece of exciting news; I will be going on tour! A lot of you will already have heard of course, if you read Twitter or if you like one of the other artists. But anyway, I am going out on tour through the UK (freeeeeeeeeeeeezzzziiiiiiiiiiing) in November and December :) I'll be out there with
Misery Loves Company and Eric Weedington (Just kidding Eric :P). I am especially excited about touring with MLC. They are like THE band of the moment....so to get the chance to hit the road with them is something beyond my wildest lil dreams. I can't thank them enough. I already have my 17 jackets and various hats and scarves packed up! I heard you Brits like Dr. Who...as do I, so I'm bringing my awesome(!) Tom Baker Dr scarf! It's so long, but soooooo geekily cool too. I also have white Converse like David Tennant, but it'll be so cold I might have to live in ski boots the whole time we're over there. A Cali girl might not survive in such temperatures if I don't! Will my tan fade? I'm really worried about that actually! Anyway, I can't wait to see you guys there. You'll all need to go extra crazy to keep the venue warm. Deal? lol!
Anyhow...on to the main subject of my blog? YAY! I wanted to keep it intra-cranial for a change. If you've read my writing in the past, you'll know that I comment a lot on what I see around me...what other people are doing, saying, tweeting, wearing whatever. Actually, no. Correction; old Cassie did that. I'm not that girl anymore. I wanted to talk to you about what is going on in here, in me lil noggin. (I pointed to my head there..I forgot you guys can't see me :P) So yeah, for the first time in a long time, I feel great today. Something happened last night, or over the weekend as a whole as it happens, which kinda made me sad for a bit. I wasn't angry at anyone, just a lil shocked and saddened. However, I had time to think about it, had myself a lil revelation moment, and realised that I should just not worry about it. So I won't bitch and moan about those two people. Fly free both of you and I hope it all goes good for you. Seriously I do. Have an amazing time. You don't have to worry about me stepping on your toes anymore lol. I gave myself a proper lil telling off about that :P
A main point to the blooog.....a main point? Well, how about we talk about my change? I'm not talking menopause...I mean I am only 18 lol. I mean, I was a well documented bitch for a long long time, so a lot of people might be a lil confused as to why I'm not acting that way, and like lashing out and stuff anymore. Who better to explain it than me? Well....maybe a psychoanalyst, but I don't know one, so you'll have to make do with lil Cass :) It was a hard discovery....but here it is.
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis CarrelAnyway, yeah, my reasons. Well, it was about a month or so ago, maybe more, when I decided to take a look at myself. I was in a hotel room in London after I had been booted from the Big Brother house right? And I stood there for a while, looking at myself in the full length mirror. I ran through everything I've done since I became "famous". At least 100% of the stuff I had done in my career fell into one of the following categories: Idiotic, childish, selfish, wrong, bad, evil, horrid, awful or nasty. As I thought of all these things, I just looked myself right in the eye and asked why? I was acting like some sort of rock star cheerleader...and that was wrong in high school. Why the hell did I think it was cool after high school? Why?
So as I stood there and looked into my own eyes in the mirror, a weird thing happened. I started to cry yeah? I'm not talking just "Oh, I love you...please don't leave me." kinda tears. We've all seen me do that on TV. No no, I'm talking the most God awful sobbing I have ever experienced. I stood there and broke my lil heart for maybe 2 or 3 hours. I can't recall really, it just felt like a stupidly long time.
Why did I cry? I cried for me. I cried for what I had become. I cried for the girl I had left back in my mom and dad's house. The girl who deep down was sweet. The girl who had been spoiled by money and popularity. I cried for everyone I had hurt. Everyone I had punched. Everyone I had kicked. Everyone I had sworn at. Everyone I had spat, snarled, growled and scowled at. I cried for them all.
And then I looked down and saw my bump. I cried for my baby girl harder than I cried at anything else. I cried for her future. I cried for how she'd grow up around anger. How she'd grow up around pain. How she'd grow up around a mom who was always on the offensive in order to be defensive. And that's when it clicked in my head. A realisation and a pledge all at the same time. I realised WHY I was like that. It was obvious when I realised. I've been scared of rejection all my life. When you're popular like I was in high school, you live on the edge of being an outcast. One day with the wrong highlights in your hair, or your rainbow laces in your Converse not being tied the right way, and the top bitch can cast you out of the group to sit with the Gleeks and the kids with those braces that are like on the outside of their head.....I was so scared of that that I became that top bitch. I became "Mean Girls"....yeah...all of them.
When I left school, well it only got worse. I didn't have my girls to fall back on anymore, and so I was fending for myself. The easiest thing to do to avoid feeling rejection, was to MAKE myself a reject. If I became a social outcast through my own actions, then no one could reject me for being me right? Dumb logic I know. But in my head it made sense.
The self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas SzaszWell, before I knew it, I WAS that girl. It wasn't a defence mechanism anymore. It engulfed who I was. The thought made me sick. I ran to the bathroom and right there and then I spewed up. And just at that moment I made a pledge. My baby does not deserve to live around that woman. I don't deserve to live around that woman. And NONE of you guys deserve to live around that woman. I like to think that in that moment where I spewed up...that she left my body. Does that sound both spiritual and ewwww? Lol. Well that's the truth. I waved goodbye to Cassie Bitch that night, and I welcomed in
Cassie Summers.
I'm well aware that not everyone will welcome me with open arms. But I have changed, and if people can accept me then it means so much to me. If not, then of course, I totally get it. It can be hard to forgive someone who treats everyone in such an awful manner.
You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. ~Alan AldaSo let me say right here and now. I am truly sorry to every single person on the planet. But her she is, new Cassie. I open my arms to you all, and if you can accept me, then I thank you.
I was gonna talk about my music here too. But that was heartfelt as hell. So I'll leave it for now. Maybe I'll do the music tomorrow guys. Thank you if you read my rambling this far. Much love to you all. And I'll see you on the road soon. :)
*~*Cass~*~ 