Neil walks down the halls, looking for something interesting to do. Suddenly, the click-clack of a typewriter echoes down the hall. Neil walks to the door from which the sound is coming and pushes it open. There is an empty desk with a typewriter on it. He appreaches slowly, to read what is typed:

ALL ISOLATION AND NO ALCOHOL MAKE JEFF A DULL BOY
ALL ISOLATION AND NO ALCOHOL MAKE JEFF A DULL BOY

With an explosive roar, Jeff jumps on Neil from behind, driving him to the dirty floor.

Jeff: I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEBODY IF I DON'T FIND SOME BOOZE!

George and Rory sit outside their tourbus, they write lyrics for a while before they get a football out and kick it to eachother.

Acts of Hate sit in a pub, drinking beers and conversing.

Jeff: I'm just saying, would it kill them to maybe brush their teeth once in a while?
Sam: I don't know, maybe the english haven't invented toothbrushes yet.
Rob: I think it's all the tea they drink. It probably stains the teeth.
Tony: pfftt! This beer is warm! What the fuck!
Sam: They have everything warm here. Warm tea, warm food, warm beer.
Tony: It tastes like piss.

Sam looks outside.

Sam: Well. It's raining again. I can now understand why the Sex Pistols were so pissed off about everything.

erica and erich are lying in a surprisngly nice hotel bed.the sheets and blankets in disarray,the hesses are shirtless and also in disarray.clearly fun of a carnal nature was had.

erica: *putting her hands behind her head and smiling* wow! that was.....ok.*laughs*

erich: you must be speaking for yourself,i was great.

erica: you wish.

erich: [b]you[b/] wish.

erica: i do. i really,really do.

erich: wait...that didnt come out right. *laughs* not right at all.

erica:*rolls over onto erich and kisses him.* dont fret. not everyone can be a high performance sex machine,like me.

erich: mmm,round 2.

erica: no time,we're supposed to meet up with nina in south london in.....*looks at clock beside bed* shit,twenty minutes ago!

erich:*cracking open a fresh bottle of smuggled moonshine* so? fuck her. she knows a hess holds no schedule but their own.

erica: she's at her mom's and her mom really wants to meet us. oh man,miss sangria is a hoot. you ever see that show absolutely fabulous?

erich: nah,but i am familiar with it.

erica: you simply have to meet her. she is just like one of those ladies.always drinking,always smoking. she got thrown out of a pub in ireland! the bitch was too drunk for ireland! fucking ireland!!!

erich: damn.let's go!

erica:*takes a hearty swig from the bottle* hold up,let me call nina. i want to see how pissed she is first.* phones nina*.....hello?.....um,still in leeds....*giggles* what do you think?........ the entire leeds football team,who do you think?! erich.........oh yeah.......i dunno,45 minutes?......no! i need a shower,you horndog.....ew,no! i am not going out all love juiced up.........EEEEEEW! NO!.......because it's fucking demeaning........i dont care if its good for your skin,i can buy proper face lotion.....ok,see you in a bit......love ya too. *hangs up* ugh,she can be sooo foul sometimes.

erich: to save time,we should shower together.*smirks* there is a war going on. we must cut expenses where ever we can.

erica: *returns his smirk* well played,old bean.we certainly do not want to be accused of not doing our part for the war effort.


exactly one frisky shower and a leeds to south london train trip later erica and erich find themselves walking london's streets towards nina's mother's pad. they are pretty plastered after polishing off the moonshine on the train.

erica: * sighs* remember when i said how awesome nina's mom is?

erich: yeah.i cant wait.

erica: she is actually the most horrid woman i have ever met. she is a most bitter ex hippie who is pissed off that her movement failed and is now a prudish old shrew.

erich:....well played,old girl. well played....and we are going to her house,why?

erica: she really does like seeing nina..even if it doesnt seem like it...and nina enjoys pestering her. we are here for support and an excuse for nina to leave.say nothing,and do nothing.

erica and erich eventually arrive at nina's mother's home. with great relunctance,erica rings the bell.a few seconds later a rather pleasant lady,who resembles a middle aged and female john lennon answers the door.

miss sangria: oh you must be erica,my little nina's lesbian lover. that make you...um,erich. the pimp that introduced nina to such a sordid lifestyle.

erich:*looks apalled*

erica: yup,thats us. pimps up,hoes down.

behind her mother's back,nina is trying to stifle a laugh*

miss sangria: do come in.i dont have any spirts to drink,but it smells like you two have had quite a bit already.

erich and erica enter the flat.it looks like a shrine to beatlemania,even the carpet has tiny yellow submarines in the pattern.nina embraces erica and gives her a kiss,she then kisses erich.

nina: tea,loves? *before getting an answer,she is already pouring 5 little cups*

the group sits at the dining room table and the awkward silence hangs like a persistant broccoli inspired fart.

erich:* stirring his tea to (poorly) hide how drunk he really is...a good doily is ruined,along with the table cloth* so....the beatles huh?

miss sangria: oh yes. i do love those boys from liverpool.i dont know why nina refuses to play that sort of music.

nina: uh,it's the twenty first century and that shit sucks,mum.

miss sangria: language,dear! no wonder you run around with degenerates such as these two. if you spoke the young lady you are,you would attract a proper man.

nina: oh,erich is a proper man all right. speaking of which,can i use my old room for a bit? *grabs erich and erica's hands*

miss sangria: certainly not! you know that's the mcartney collection resides.

nina: you use my room for paul stuff?! he is the worst beatle!

miss sangria: that is quite enough,young lady! he could very well be your father!

erica: you were a groupie,miss sangria?!

miss sangria: never! but we did share one magical night *sighs and drinks thoughtfully from her tea.*

nina: mum! no!

miss sangria: oh stop,nina. i am sure your little friends would love to hear the story.

erich and erica *thoroughly enjoying nina's panic*: yes!

miss sangria: see? i was about sixteen. you may not see it now,but i had a pair of breasts that could-

nina:ok,mum! we really must go! we have a long train ride ahead of us,love. plus a show tomorrow. we really do need to be on our way. *shudders* ugh.

miss sangria: awww,i do enjoy your visits,dear. try to come see me more often.

nina and her mother exchange hugs and kisses. miss sangria gives the trio money for the train,plus extra for snacks. she ensures that nina divides the money equally and sees them out the door. the trio starts walking back to the train station.


erica: your mom does know we are pretty sucessful musicians,right?

nina: she should,love.

erica: aww.i think its cute how she still takes care of you.

nina: fuck off.

erich: language! *laughs*

nina: dont be mad that my mum loves me......you test tube baby!

erica: why are you all cockney and ill tempered,but your mom is all proper englishy?

nina:*sighs* "my fair lady" was a hell of an influence on her,love. she tried that shit on me, but i like the way i talk.it's dead sexy.

they hit the train station and make their way back to leeds .

rear admiral erich's report from home shores.

the duke of winchester floats of the cost of texas. the poor bastards have no idea what is about to hit them.they say everything is bigger in texas.well,i've looked down my trousers and everything is normal.so fuck you,texas.i am well within your waters,so what gives? engerland was fun...too much fun,actually. in the words of mr williams the third,"i've been awake for 8 days straight,well it musta been those pills i took". it's been 9 days,actually. erica,nina and i tore england a new one. we guzzled all their beer,smoked all their shitty weed,and had a helluva time with their women folk. i feel it was our duty as americans,you know...just in case they didnt get the message back in 1776. what message that is.....hell if i know. the brits gave the world the meteors,the damned,the clash.so i think they might have won...then again,america had elvis,gene vincent and buddy holly. ...i lost what i really was aiming to say there......england killed eddie cochran,so i guess they really mean business. lesson learned? dont fuck with england. they will fucking kill you. i thank my lucky stars i will remain b-lister for the rest of my life. nobody will ever be out to get me.

future texas setlist,because i am so drunk i can see through metal

1. fighting and fucking all round this world.
2.i'm well hungover,but not well hung.\
3. two one one.
4.hurricane's a comin.
5.megan
6. wax the hearse for me.
7.road kill toads and toll roads.
8. pistol packing papa- jimmie rodgers cover
9.some drunken words to you.
10 lost highway-hank williams cover.

inside the hess van erich is turning a new page in "desolation angels". the crash of a window breaking startles him. he lets out an annoyed sigh before marking his place with a rolling paper,and calmly laying the book down. he then opens the van door.

erich: hey! knock that shit off! i am trying to read in here. *spots a group of sweater vested fundies running from acts of hate's bus* you kids leave that bus alone! *shakes a rusty golf club* i'm warning you.

head fundy: take your canadian friends back to socialist europe,devil worshipper. leave our children be.

erich: *puzzled as what to respond with,so he opens a bottle of beer and starts drinking it*.....ok.i am glad we had this talk.i guess.

ACTS OF HATE - LIVE IN TEXAS (or, The Tale of how Acts of Hate were intimidated by the "morally upright messengers of god" to stop their show early)

Ever since the beginning of time it seems that rock and roll has been at war with organized (and sometimes even unorganized) religion. In the 90's, Marilyn Manson scared parents so much that they picketed outside his concerts and blamed him for school shootings and juvenile delinquency. We thought that these dark ages were over, but they weren't in Texas. A little more than halfway through Acts of Hate's setlist on the Texas date of the Carnival of Sounds; the stage was literally bombarded by holy paraphernalia: crosses, bibles, a paint-by-the-numbers Jesus, and even vials of holy water. This is the work of a pseudo-terrorist religious organization known as the "Warriors of Christ", who were waiting in the audience wearing sweater vests and sporting backpacks filled with religious simulacra. They state that their reasoning behind this attack was to "save the minds of the younger children in the audience from being polluted by this secular filth", even going to quote lyrics from a song by AoH called "Faith Illusions" -

Over time in a world where religion has dispersed
Modern times have shown these connections to slowly deteriorate
With empires alleging their holy books to have absolutely no flaws
All accepting everything in its deceitful print
-Faith Illusion by Acts of Hate

The setlist was stopped after the incident and vocalist/lyricist Sam Fischer has this to say:

"These 'warriors' can fight us all they want, nothing is going to stop me from expressing myself. Marilyn Manson said that one day he might be the man to topple christianity: well, he didn't, they're still here, and they're the same old bigots that they've always been."

enclosed here is the setlist performed

1. Revelations
2. Deceitful Simulacra
3. Knee Deep In The Dead
4. Sentenced to Hang
5. Deluge to Cleanse the Sinners (interrupted near the end; the band ended the set prematurely after)

Acts of Hate were ecstatic. They were soon to play in their own country for the first time on the Carnival of Sounds - and they were going to see a thousand faces - and rock them all, bon jovi style. Despite AoH's mutual distaste for Bon Jovi (according to Jeff, Glam Metal was just an abbreviation for Gay L.A. Metal) the band was extremely excited about how undoubtedly huge their reception was going to be in their homeland. They were already at the venue, parked in their patented Acts of Hate Tour Van, drinking heavily (all except Sam, who recently converted to a Straight-Edge lifestyle....but that's another story)

Tony: I'm so fuckin' stoked man, - we get to play in Canada, then we get to record our debut - with ERICH FREAKIN' HESS as the producer. This record is gonna be so sick.
Neil: Erich is nice. He gave me candy before the flight.
Sam: Is that why you thought there was a gremlin on the wing of the plane.
Neil: It wouldn't stop staring at me....THE EYES! THE EYES!
Jeff: Shut up, Neil. This record is gonna be the balls. In a good way.
Rob: Hey....wasn't our van just here?
Sam: What?

The boys get up from their lawn chairs and turn around. The parking lot is empty.

Sam: Well fuck.

bruised,battered,and heavily medicated. being the victims of a recent mugging,erich and karoliena looked a bit worse for wear. both of karoliena's eyes were blackened and her bare arms had several more bruises. erich's lip was split along with similar injuries as karoliena.to add insult to injury, someone had informed the draft dodgers that erich was pulling out of the rest of the tour to recover. the band of hired guns quickly went their seperate ways ,so the toronto fans were treated to just an erich and karoliena set. the pair put on one hell of a psychobilly show...in spite of not having a drumer.



setlist
rave on-buddy holly
i'm that kind of girl- karoliena
crazy razor days and wacky tobacky weeks.
supercharged shed of baphomet.
hulk hogan was hiding in my bathroom.
i want to dirty your halo.
an erotic retelling of the story of america.
pleasant valley high.
cremation station variation.